Day 33 - Saying Goodbye With Love

June 2nd - Day 33
Do You Know How Much I Love You

When we still lived in Vancouver, Robin and I were walking along Georgia and as we passed Thurlow there is a building with water fountains in front. Robin said, "Do you know how much I love you?" I said "yes I think so". Then he jumped into the pool of water under the fountains and yelled, "Do you know how much I love you?". I quickly responded, "yes, yes, I know how much you love me, now get out of the water!!" He walked home soaking wet all the way to Beatty and Cambie, laughing all the way and me saying I can't believe you did that. He didn't complain once about be soaking wet.  In the many years that followed, we would pass a water fountain and Robin would say, "Do you know how much I love you?" and I would drag him away saying, "yes I know and don't you dare jump in that water fountain".

Being married to Robin I ALWAYS felt loved! It is now that I am realizing even more what a wonderful gift this was because 1) obviously it is so amazing to be loved and 2) even though Robin's body is not in my life I feel his love so strongly. 

I am a VERY fortunate woman!

These are the words I said at his memorial:

Today I want to talk about the way Robin lived so fearlessly, and I am not talking about how he fearlessly drove his Mustang across the states, passing an ambulance and spending a night in jail before ending up in Minneapolis; I am not talking about the dangerous things he would do at work or how he fearlessly took on tasks that made most people weak in the knees.  I am talking about how he loved so fearlessly.

When I first met Robin I knew he was different because there was no wall up, protecting his heart from getting hurt.  He was all in.  Giving away his love fearlessly.  And I am pretty sure you all know what I mean by that because it was the way that he loved fearlessly that brought you here today.  

And I know from the bottom of my heart that Robin would never want anyone to stop loving because you stand here today with your heart broken because of his absence.  Instead, love more, love deeply and have so much fun in the process.

We argued most about him taking care of himself because I was scared of exactly this.  But those days of fear did not make these days easier they just took away from the fun we could have had when he was alive.

When we feel love we are connected and plugged in, we don’t need the words, they fall away and they are replaced with feelings

I am especially talking to his daughter Dominique or grandson Xavier and our nephews and niece and the young men on his crew that he felt like a father to.  He loved making an impression on your lives, he would want you to choose to fully live your lives with an open heart.  

We are in death who we are in life.  Robin made a mark, his death has left a huge mark.    He left us wanting more.

Monte del Gozo to Santiago de Compestela - 4.7 km

We walked into Santiago under a full moon. When the sun came up we couldnʼt see it anymore but the morning image of the full moon over Santiago was firm in my mind. 

I wait for Christian to get up and he starts to rush as he has a full morning routine with his hot breakfast. I said we are in no rush as we are only 5 km away. He said he didnʼt want to keep me waiting. I donʼt mind as the likely hood of ever seeing him again in this life are slim and I would wait all morning. Everyone else slowly leaves as well and we all head to Santiago as the sun rises.

Before long we are in the city and in the square of the Santiago Cathedral. It feels like there should be more build up but there is none, we are just here, we have arrived. We hadve walked 800 km and now we are at the end. It is first thing in the morning so it is quiet and apart from the people we know there arenʼt many other people in the cathedral square. We pose for many pictures. It feels very surreal. Next we go get our compestela and then go into the cathedral.

So many pilgrims have walked through these doors, walked down the steps and knelt down and prayed in front of the remains of St. James. I kneel and pray and thank God for being able to complete my journey. I am so thankful for each person I have met and I am so thankful for all my friends and family who are at home who supported me on my journey. I am so thankful. We walk up the steps behind the alter and kiss the sculpture of St. James, I am now one of the millions of pilgrims that have worn down the marble steps leading out.

After finding an albergue for Hilda and I for the night we head back to the cathedral for mass. We easily find a seat in the front pews, we can get a good view of the ceremony and the mass. Hilda and I wait for an hour and a half. The time goes fast as we watch everyone come and go. I thought the cathedral would be packed to the brim with pilgrims. There is special seating for pilgrims but we are a very small percentage of the population of people present. It isnʼt hard to spot a pilgrim, especially when you look at the foot wear. There are bus loads of tourists and people of all different walks of life who never walked their way into Santiago so we watch them as we wait for the mass to begin. 

This pew in the front is a great place to sit as all our friends pass by and give us hugs. I say, us and we, but that us and we always changes depending on whom I am with. Robinʼs pet peeve in life was when I said “I”. He would always correct me and say “We”. It is so strange to say “I” now that I will find any random person to do something with and I will say “We” did this or that. Sometimes my “we” was a person I never met and only walked with for 10 minutes or sometimes the “we” was the birds I walked with on the way. But mostly the we was Christian, Petra, Patrick and Joseph, David and Linda, Becky, Michelle, Jo, Marco and his wife. These are the people that I considered my Camino family. I loved them and I am going to miss them.

Now as mass starts I begin to cry. I cry because I am going to miss my fellow pilgrims, I cry because I actually did it, I walked 800 km. I cry because right now, in this moment, this is the most amazing experience; the cathedral is filled, the organ is playing, the choir is singing and I am taking communion with these people for the last time. Then the incense swings and I am completely blown away with the emotions that overcome me. I cry the whole time. This is a phenomenal day in my life. There are so many emotions that overwhelm me; endings, new beginnings, triumph, completion, acceptance, understanding but above all and most important love. I feel so much love and I enjoy every second of it.

After mass we all hug each other. My feelings I canʼt even put into words as they are so overwhelming as we hug and say goodbye to the people we walked along side for the last month. But then the worst, Christian was carrying onto Finestair today and I am staying in Santiago and then leaving from here. I was debating going to Finestair but all this saying good bye is torturous for me. I am done, I just want to go and not let the goodbyeʼs linger for another 100 km. 

It was the saddest goodbye, saying goodbye to Christian as he had become my best friend on the Camino. It was always by chance that we met but we met almost everyday for the whole journey. We only planned 2 times of meeting at the same albergue and now I had to say goodbye forever. It was so strange to be so sad for a farewell. But we said good bye and I said thank-you for helping me get back to myself, for making me laugh so much. Actually I never said that out loud, I said it in my head as I couldnʼt say a word when I gave him a hug goodbye, I just cried. We again were on our own journeyʼs just as we had been on before we met and even during the whole pilgrimage. Our paths just crossed a lot within the Camino. He on his and I on mine. The fact that now there was never going to be a chance for our paths to cross again made me so sad but again happy that our paths had crossed as much as they did.

After saying goodbye and crying and writing in my journal. I head to the cathedral and bump into more of my Camino companions. They invite me to join up with a group of Germans for drinks in the evening and that I did. We are having so much fun! Dan borrowed a guitar from a Spanish singer, and we all are singing and drinking and laughing. I am no longer sad, as I am laughing again. When I am laughing there is no room for crying and being sad. By the time I go to bed I am very tired and fall directly to sleep.

Saying goodbye with love

It is with such sweet sorrow I say goodbye.  These people have become such a huge part of who I am and I say good bye with so much love and appreciation.  I realize now that the love I have for Robin will always be there I just will not see him in the physical form again but he is here walking with me every step I take.  When I feel the love and not the loss there is nothing missing.

The chance of seeing any of the people from the Camino is very slim.  With facebook I can see what they are up to but they are a wonderful memory of healing.  Obviously I will never see Robin again.  

What a gift to be able to say good bye to someone with love in my heart.  I feel completely blessed and thankful for each person on my journey in my life so far, especially Robin.  I treasure each and every memory and everything I have learnt through his presence in my life.

I love my life....I love my life.....I love my life!