Day 19 - Taking the plunge

May 19th - Day 19

Swimming in False Creek

After Robin's and my initial meeting with the Rose, we started to build our friendship, he had a few girlfriends so I was very cautious. I started to go to his Martial Arts class with him and we began to meet each others friends. Robin told me how he would go swimming in False Creek. One time in the middle of the winter he jumped in by the Cambie Street Bridge and swam across the inlet, about 100m, the police stopped him thinking he just jumped off the bridge.  Freezing cold he assured them he was not a jumper and ran home and got into a hot bathtub.

Robin would complain to me that all his friends said they would go swimming with him but none of them ever did.  I told him I would go swimming but not in the middle of winter, he never believed me until I was in the water with him, at False Creek, swimming around.  People did look at us crazy as no one was swimming in False Creek, the water wasn’t the best condition.  I guess this is one of the things that made me stick out compared to Robin's other girlfriends, I am game to try new things and don't get scared off easily.

Then years later, Robin had a remote control boat and was playing with it in the same waters, the remote control boat stopped working and it had to be rescued.  So I, being the good wife, went in and swam to get it, this time it was in the middle of winter.  It was a scary feeling when the cold water took my breath away; it took a few seconds for my chest muscles to relax so I could start to breath.  After we were married he would come watch me swim and never ended up in the water any more.  Go figure?  He said he was getting me back for our camping trip where I took so many shots with his air gun, to which I never repeated.

Sahajun to El Burgo Ranero - 17.7 km

Today was a better day, I am not letting my brain get the best of me while I walk. Instead I use my creativity and enjoy the possibilities of writing stories with the thoughts dancing around in my head. Rather then taking everything so personally I step back and create a story from another persons perspective. This is much more fun as I create dialogue and dramatic outcomes. I think this is what writing does for me, it makes me look at things from different view point, taking myself out of the scenario.  It is one of my positive coping mechanisms along with walking. I wonder if I will ever enjoy walking when I get home, maybe a good idea to put more attention into the writing side of things.

At 17.7 km of walking I decide to stop, it takes 2 hours to get into the albergue before it opens.  While I wait at the pub across the street I talk with a really nice, young Australian couple who are travelling together for a year. Trish the Australian is so cute, I told her that I hate the Meseta, as I am thinking too much and everything looks the same.  She said her mind is consumed with food and creating new recipes. What a wonderful brain, I am envious. They are going to walk 18 km tomorrow and instead of the long walk into the city,  they will complete the 18 km into the city by bus. I envy the ease at which they navigate this journey.

Then familiar faces starte to get in the line up. It feels good to see Marco the Italian photographer, Sarah the young American, the American brother and sister team, Linda and David and the Australian Michelle. I start to feel lighter. After settling in I sit in my room and talk to one of my room mates, Becky from England. She is really nice and we have an instant bond.

I go downstairs and make a conscious effort to sit around the table and talk to everyone. I actually am having a lot of fun laughing. I meet a Finish man who knows Vancouver, so I can talk about home; a Dutch man, who after finishing his PhD, started the Camino from Holland, and the other Australians and Americans joined in at the table. 

We were having fun telling stories, so I tell the story of Xavier learning about his body parts.  Xavier said to Dominique, "You don't have a penis."  Dominique said, "Yes you are right Xavier, you have a penis because you are a boy, Mommy is a girl so she has a", before Dominique could finish Xavier blurted out, "A beard".  Everyone laughs and we all tell more stories, of darnedest things kids say.  Spending time with everyone and laughing seems so easy and fun, I don't know why I hadn't been doing this all along.  You know... I think I will take the bus in after walking 18 km tomorrow, there is no need to torture myself. Then I can take a break and enjoy Leon a bit before carrying on. 

Take the plunge 

On Salt Spring I sit at home and never go out, it is so comfortable and easy, the thought of meeting new people or spending time with people that don't know me, that well, feels treacherous.  I never FEEL like being around people.  I have to make myself but when I am there, it is never as bad as I thought it would be.  I have to make myself go and do stuff, every once and awhile.  I guess the biggest plunge was purchasing the ticket to come and walk the Camino.

I am fortunate as I have always had fun and surrounded myself with interesting friends.  I am fortunate as my personality has always been open when people ask me to do things with them.  Most invites I resond with a “yes”.  The way I felt during my grieving process is so contrasting to were I had ever been before.  I am so fortunate that my friend Sam had asked me to do the Camino before Robin died as I don’t think I would have been so open to the idea after his passing.

It is not like I wanted to go for a swim in False Creek especially, in the winter, it is not like I felt like visiting with the people downstairs at the albergue, but once I took the plunge I was back to swimming. This meeting new people isn't so bad after all, even if I never see them again,  I am glad I sat down and had some laughs.  But it is something I had to be ready for.  I had to do the internal work before I could jump in to socializing again.  

I would never have been able to socialize if it wasn't something  I was good at before.  I didn't jump into false creek without knowing how to swim in the first place.  I knew how to swim.  I wasn't expecting something from myself that I didn't know how to do.  I already had this skill before Robin died.  I already liked walking, I already liked to write.  But I had never travelled.  This is where I really pushed myself.  I got on a plane and travelled by myself.  Being on my own without a male partner in my life was something else I was not used to.  These were the two scariest things that I have done.  This is the uncharted territory for myself.  Now that I am here doing it, I can't believe I am doing it, I really need to be easier on myself, I have to remember this is just a process and things will come around.

I seem to always fall back on the wisdom of Dr. Suess, "Oh The Places You'll Go", seems to have this whole process mapped out.  

You cn get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
                                                     The Waiting Place.....
.....for people jst waiting.
     Waiting for a train to go
     or a bus to come, or a plane to go
     or the mail to come, or the rain to go
     or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
     or r waiting for their hair to grow.
     Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!
          Somehow you'll escape
          all that waiting and staying.
          You'll find the bright places
          where Boom Bands are playing.

The Meseta, I guess, is like the waiting place for me.  I am ready to jump into life, get out of the Meseta and exit this waiting place.