Day 25 - 24 Hours In Our Life

May 25th - Day 25

24 hours in our life

We jam pack our nephews schedule with an abundance of activities when they came for their spring, summer and Christmas visits, at our home on Salt Spring.  One summer visit, Robin pulled out his little remote control boat and we all set course for the beach to play with the boat. Bailey, our Jack Russel, came with us. When Robin put the boat in the water the boys all took turns with the controls and played with it as Bailey went crazy on the seashore. He couldnʼt swim unless he was chasing the boat, I wouldnʼt really call it swimming though,  it looked more like he was drowning as he tried to catch the boat. One of the boys had the controls and all of a sudden the boat died in the water and wasnʼt going to move, so we knew we had to swim out to get it. 

Cody our oldest nephew was the brave one who ended up in the water, just then Bailey spotted the stalled boat and the race was on to get to the boat, Cody verses Bailey.  They both reached the boat around the same time and Bailey began to attack the boat like it was a vermin needing to be dispatched and Cody was trying to keep it from him, but Bailey was almost drowning Cody in the process. Robin shouts from the shore, “Watch out for the boat”. I got down to my bathing suit and started to swim out, yelling at Robin, “I think our nephew is more important than a stupid toy boat.” We got them all to shore and there was a few bite marks on the boat but Cody had big scratches across his body from Baileyʼs clawing feet.  We all laughed at Robin thinking about the boat first.

That night they had to go home so we said our good byes and Robin and I went to bed early, exhausted from a weekend of playing; I, in my bed with Bailey under the covers laying against me and Robin in his room.  I heard the howling of our cat fighting outside but I didnʼt budge from bed as I was too tired, but Bailey reacted instantly running out to rescue Max, the cat. He chased the trespassing cat off the property, across the road and we then we heard a dreadful yelp, we realized in shock, that Bailey had been hit by a car. It was tragic. Robin found Bailey by the side of the road and brought him to the house. We both held each other and cried. Bailey was like our child. It was beyond sad.

The next day Robin made a cross out of metal and put a picture of Bailey on it. Then he dug a hole in the back yard, Robin placed Bailey in his resting place with his favourite squeaky toy and we planted daffodils on his grave. The boys came over and the rest of our family to have a funeral for Bailey. It was such a hard time but Robin made such an effort to mark the time for all of us. We all told our favourite memories with tears in our eyes and love in our heart. Robin and I wept together daily for the loss of this precious soul that was such a huge part of our lives; but we recovered and life went on.

Foncebadon to Ponferreda - 27.0 km

I got up a little later then usual, making my way to La Cruz de Ferro. I had a different vision in my imagination of how the moment would play out.  I didnʼt want to be alone when I am at the cross, but then I didnʼt want to be with a bunch of people either.

I start out alone, when I got to La Cruz de Ferro, Petra is here, with many other pilgrims and even tourists, as it is accessible by car.  It feels more like everyone is using it as a photo opportunity instead of a spiritual moment with our creator.  I take my rocks and go around the side where I can lay my rocks in solace.

I take the rock that Xavier and Dominique found for me and bless their past and say a prayer for their future. This is really easy, I have enjoyed every minute of our past and our future together feels so bright and happy.  I then try and throw the larger rock on the pile that represented all my past. I motion to throw it on the pile and the rock wonʼt leave my hand, I have to try a few more times before I can truly let it go. I canʼt even laugh at myself, as the symbolism that this rock represented to me has me in tears. I feel silly with all these people around and all I can do is cry. I grab my pack and walk away crying. I was hoping that these crying days were over but here they are, back again. I feel like sobbing but then Petra came up from behind and I pull myself together.

I feel like a horrible friend as everything she is saying to me goes in one ear and out the other. I am back to my old self who doesnʼt like walking with people. I am not used to talking so much while I walk and it feels strange especially as I still feel like crying and crying. At the next town Petra stops to have a coffee and I carried on. I feel in a fowl mood where I donʼt want anyone around me. I get to the town where I was going to stay and find David and Linda and Michelle, but I am in a bad space, where I feel the need to be alone. Linda and David have walked with me and listened to my struggles but right now I donʼt feel like being around anyone. I told Michelle to tell Petra that I am moving on to the next town.

As I approach the next town I still donʼt want to stop, emotionally I want to keep going but my body is ready to stop. I have no desire to see anyone I know, ever again. I want to be alone.  I get into the line, I am assigned my room and have a much needed siesta.   Then I go to the grocery store getting the alone time that I need and I feel much calmer and ready to interact. I recognize many pilgrims I know and others that are familiar and I am happy I ended my journey here. I am glad now that I stopped and feel good having my Camino family around me.

There is a sign saying they donʼt unlock the doors until 7:00am. I am in a little bit of a panic mode. I tell Patrick and ask him what he would do if this is true and he said, he would climb the fence.  I go and talk to one of the volunteers running the albergue and he said not to worry that he will open them as soon as he wakes up and that is between 6:00 and 6:30 am. I am relieved that I talked to him as it takes a stress off my shoulders plus he was a very unique and interesting person with great stories. He is American but hardly lives on American soil as he is always travelling. He has remarkable friends from all over the world that enhance his adventures, even one who plays Spanish guitar for the reigning Popes.  We talk for awhile and then Michelle organized a dinner so we all go for dinner as a group. We each chose a different tapa and then we share them with each other. Most of us, including me, had no idea what we were ordering until we got it.

My head hits the pillow feeling much better and I realize now that today was just another hurdle I needed to get over. I do feel a sense of calm of letting go of my past.  This is an amazing healing journey I am on; for each step I take on the Camino helps me get more physically fit. Also as I make my way to Santiago, each person and each interaction is helping me get more emotionally fit and back to loving my life.

More hurdles

Leaving the sadness of my past and the worries of my future at the foot of the cross was hard on that day at La Cruz de Ferro as it is still hard to leave my worries and sorrows to God.  Daily I have to remind myself to release the pressures of my days and put them at the foot of the cross, exactly where they belong.  Life always has a way of reminding me not to get sucked into the emotional turmoil of life's ups and downs.

I think I am moving forward emotionally and all of a sudden something else gets in the way.  I get pulled back into the sadness again, but life will happen, I know that.  More people will die, I will have bad days, I will not sleep well and there will be things that make me feel sad again.  I know this is what happens in life, there are good and bad days.  I can't expect now or ever for life to always feel good.

I guess it is the same as how you tell if an athlete is physically in shape or not.  When she runs a race her heart rate will get really high when she trains.  The way you gauge how good of shape she is in is not by how fast the heart rate is but how fast it comes down to normal after it has gone up.  My emotional health is not rated by how often I get upset or sad but how soon I can pick myself up and move forward after I have been emotionally scarred.

I read something on Facebook that Liam Neesen said," Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true.  Loneliness hurts.  Rejection hurts.  Losing someone hurts.  Envy hurts.  Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in the world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.  Love is the only thing in the world that does not hurt."

I thought that I wanted to get back to my happy self but I was misdiagnosing my situation.  What I want to get back to is my loving self.  In that life I loved, I wasn't always happy, I had good days and bad days, my times with Robin were filled with an assortment of many emotions, but I loved my life.