Day 27 - Moment to Moment

May 27th - Day 27

One things leads to another

For Robinʼs 40th birthday we had a backyard party, with friends, a salmon bbq, and games making Robin the target of all our laughs. There was a shooting competition to see who could demolish a potato with the least amount of shoots, using Robin's air rifle. I put balloons on a large plywood board and everyone attempted to pop the balloons with blow darts. The water balloon slingshot was a hit as we aimed for the top of the trees and the balloons flung far into the property. The water balloon sling shot always brings back memories as it has been the centre of fun at a lot of events.   Such as when the Dewar family came to visit and kept me awake all night as Robin and Dan had the kids in helmets and were using the sling shot to propel potatoes into the darkness and see where they would land; sometimes on the kids protected heads. I didn't know that the loud bangs on the roof were stray potatoes until the next day when I went to make mashed potatoes. When he heard the signature yell from the kitchen, "ROBIN!"  He knew exactly why.  I heard an, "I'm sorry Char" and he and Dan headed to the grocery store to get more potatoes.   

In these pictures, there is no sound for you to hear the dog whining and Robin telling me to control Bailey.  The boys would run under and try and get hit with the water balloon that they flung into the air.

After Robinʼs dad died, Robin and Mikail (Robinʼs best friend) went down to the ocean with the water balloon sling shot. They had a heart to heart and then proceeded to have some fun. Instead of water balloons they decided to use rocks. Robin held the sling shot with both hands and Mikail loaded it with a rock and pulled it back as far as he could so they could launch the rock into the ocean. They counted down and Mikail let go of the sling shot, Robin was impressed with the distance of the rock and enthusiastically went to load it again. Mikail said, "No I donʼt think so! That rock came millimetres away from your head. I donʼt want to have to phone Jackie (his wife) tell her when she asks me how you are doing, and have to say. 'He was doing well then we went to the ocean and I killed him with a rock.' " So instead they sat around and played the guitar.

I was in Mexico when Robin’s dad died.  I felt so bad that I wasn’t there for him and I didn’t give him my contact number as his dad was doing well when I left.  One of Robin’s x-girlfriends did the research to find me, when he phoned I came home right away.  After Robinʼs dad died he received some money and with that money he took me to Australia to meet his mom and it was there we got engaged.  I have always said that Robin’s dad was his soul mate.  It was when his dad died that he was able to marry.  Robin missed his dad until his own death.  Oh I can't even imagine how annoying they must be up there together again, both men loved to have fun but really loved having fun together and being the star of the show.

My life with Robin leads from one story to the next.  When I get together with people who knew him and loved him we go from story to story.  Not just since he died but when he was alive as well.

Villafranca del Bierzo to O Cebreiro - 30.1 km

Even though I didnʼt sleep during the day yesterday, I still couldnʼt sleep last night, I saw Christian get up so I got up right away, Patrick was soon after. They stayed back and ate their breakfasts and I am eating my fruit on the go. It is dark and I am walking alone but there are police cruisers passing to monitor the pilgrims. I guess they have made their presence more significant as the missing woman has not been found and Spain needs to keep the pilgrims passage safe as it is a big income for their country. 

I enjoy my morning on my own as it gives me time to wake up. I donʼt drink coffee so it takes me awhile before I can start to converse. Christian caught up just as the sun is coming up, we walk together and have time to talk about our lives. It takes awhile for us to get the right words for us both to understand the other, lots of acting out, and picking different words. Christian speaks German as he was raised in East Germany and Swedish, he moved to Sweden after he was married and lives there now with his wife and 3 children. I hear all the stories of how he met his wife and their life together in Sweden. I share stories of my life with Robin and love talking about Xavier and Dominique. We have lots of time to figure out what each other means as we have 30 km to walk today. Patrick catches up and he helps the conversations go smoother for awhile but Patricks feet are sore so he is going to stop one town before Christian and I.

Alfred passes us and thanks us for recommending the intermediate route, he said the views were phenomenal. I feel a little guilty for recommending the harder route and then taking the easy route, but this easy pace feels relaxing. We get to the hill and it is an accrued accent of 1200 m. It is the steepest climb of the whole pilgrimage. In the middle of the climb Patrick leaves us and stays in La Faba. I am so tempted to stay here as well, but Christian and I carry on. There is a bus load of day walkers that  started at the base of the mountain and the bus will pick them up at the top of the climb. They are refreshed, have no back packs and seem so carefree. I feel envious that they have nothing to carry but feel so proud of myself for taking this extensive journey and realize they do not even have a glimpse of what the Camino gives you.

The Camino is more then walking, walking actually seems like a very small aspect of what the Camino has been to me. It is about meeting people randomly, just when I need to meet them. It is about sharing accommodations; not knowing where I am going to stay; the not knowing what comes next; the freedom of responsibility but also the huge responsibility of taking care of myself and learning about who I am at my core.  It is about being in pain and still carrying on. Plus it is a completely different experience for each and every pilgrim that walks as each person does what works for them because, in life we take ourselves wherever we go. It is about so much more then I ever imagined it would be. As I pass these day walkers who walk to get a feel of what it is like to be a pilgrim I realize they are missing out on so much so I pass with a joyful, “Buen Camino”.  Today is but one moment in their life journey and I can see they are creating wonderful memories with their companions and are oblivious to what they are missing out on.

Now that we are climbing it is too hard for Christian to stay at my pace. He said that I have been getting quicker as he could easily walk at my pace but as soon as I said I will meet you at the albergue he speeds ahead and all I can see is a little dot in the distance, way up the hill. I know now he is just being nice but it was good to spend the day having real conversation other then our extreme ones where I am either crying or laughing. 

Berta passes, who I hadnʼt seen since Leon, and we make our way to the little town of OʼCebrero at the top of the climb. It is my favourite town so far and the views are amazing. It feels very rewarding to have started far down in the valley and my own two feet brought me to this stunning peek. We are lucky pilgrims as it usually rains here and a pilgrims common view is fog and rain in all directions. Actually it hasnʼt rained since the first day of my pilgrimage. We are a fortunate group of pilgrims to get such terrific weather. The only thing is we have to make sure that we bring enough water with us each day.

At the albergue there are so many familiar faces and now I am getting to know everyone personally. This is my Camino family and I am so fortunate to have each one in my life. When we get our beds I am worried as the bunks are right beside each other again. But Joseph ends up being beside me, so my worries are eased. I take a siesta today as it seems to be the only time I get a really good sleep. The experiment of not having a siesta yesterday did not work as I still didnʼt sleep at night. 

After siesta I met Becky and we went for drinks before dinner. My money belt was so sweaty from the climb I just carried it instead of wearing it, to air it out. It was a really hard climb today.  As we sit here and drink our wine we look over the view and it feels like we really deserve this glass of wine so I have another :)

We are now in Galacia which is known for its octopus. Michelle organizes us to go for a meal, it is Becky, Joseph, Christian, Michelle and myself on a search for octopus. We pass a pub that is advertising octopus so we choose this place, Joseph reviews the menu and decides to go elsewhere. We then proceeded to have the best Galacian soup and octopus with bread. It was such a good meal, we all thoroughly enjoy each bite. Alfred and Margret and another Italian I didnʼt know are at one table. Berta, another friend, Guido and Dan are at another table and we all are enjoying this tasty octopus on top of a mountain. It seems so strange to me, as I live by the ocean and food from the sea is common but I havenʼt seen the ocean since I left Marcaille. It feels strange eating octopus with no ocean in sight but comforting knowing we are getting closer to the ocean.  This is the longest period in my life that I havenʼt smelt salt air.

At dinner we all decide which direction to take tomorrow as there are two possible routes. Michelle had taken the route to Samos last time and said it was beautiful but she wanted try the other way, this time. I had run into David and Linda;  David also had taken the Samos route last time and was going to do it again. It is an extra 7km but David said it is well worth it. Christian and I decide to go to Samos after looking at the picture of the monastery, as it was Christianʼs 40th birthday in two days, so he thought it would be a wonderful place to wake up on his birthday. It is all downhill now so wonʼt be too hard of walking tomorrow. We told Alfred and he said he was going to do the same.

As I finish the meal I go to pay my portion of the bill and I donʼt have my money belt with me. My friends cover my portion and we head out on a quest to find my money belt. It isnʼt at the restaurant that Becky and I had our drink at so I prayed I left it at my bunk. I pick up my laundry before checking the bunks and guess what? My money belt is there, laying on the ground, next to my laundry. No one had touched it. It had 300 Euroʼs in it and all my id, this was my Camino miracle.  I head up to my bunk excited to tell everyone my good news and how very fortunate I am.

As I get into bed I tell Joseph how amazing our meal was and that he really missed out. He said, “I could have guessed you were going to say that before you said it”, see he is getting to know me, I chuckle to myself. I told him that since he was my bunk mate he had to stay up talking with me as that is what bunk mates do, he put in his ear plugs and put on his eye mask and rolled over. I guess that is a no :) 

Being thankful

I remember standing in front of my x-boyfriend just after Robin and I had eloped.  He said, "So we're friends Char?"  With sadness in my heart I said, "Yes of course".  The two of us had so many stories together.  I had known him since I was very young and my life was intertwined with his life.  Being young and stupid, I created many stories that ensured he would not want to spend his life with me.   I was a horrible girlfriend to this x-boyfriend and my other boyfriends, but through the trial and error of these relationships, I learnt a lot.  I turned into a good wife, lucky for Robin.  I remember thinking, as I drove away from my x, that I would never be able to have as many stories with Robin, as he and I had together.  But now as I write this book, I have to sift through the many stories that comprised the life Robin and I shared.  You are just getting a small taste of what our life together was like.

When Robin died I was worried that I would never be able to make new friends and create new stories.  New friends scared me, even friends who only knew me as a couple with Robin were put on hold for awhile.  Now as I walk the Camino, I am creating new stories with my new friends and am starting to look forward to creating new stories for my mysterious future.  I love stories!  All kinds of stories; funny stories, sad stories, scary stories but the moments I learn the most about myself are when life is a struggle.  I am so thankful for the hard times.  It feels like the rough patches I have gone through with Robin and before Robin, have given me the most strength as I step through this very difficult process of grief.  It is like my past, prepared me each step of the way for my future.

I am now thankful for the sudden loss of my dog as I know that I can recover from sudden death as I grieved and got through that experience with Robin, and I can do it again on my own.  I am grateful we no longer live in the house that Robin and I bought when we first moved to Salt Spring as it had so many memories of Robin and recovery would have been so much harder, as every inch of that place cried out memories of Robin.  I am thankful for my job of doing palliative care where I was perpetually reminded that we are only here for a very brief time and to enjoy each moment.  Also every day I witnessed the fate of every person that walks the earth; we will all die, this taught me not to fight the inevitable.  I am not going to waste my time getting mad at God for something that will happen to all, just in a different manner.   I am thankful Robin didn’t accompany me everywhere I went as I know how to be alone.  I am thankful I learnt how to create boundaries within our relationship, so I can continue to do this with future relationships. I am thankful for each and every memory and story I created with Robin as each one has helped me heal my pain.  I am thankful for all the relationships that helped mold me as they lead me to be with Robin.  

Bad things will happen in life; I could have avoided some of the negative paths of my life but some were unavoidable.  I can use my brain to my advantage to find the good and move forward or I can choose to hold still in this place of despair.  Either way I am free and I am free to choose where my life will lead, each path I choose is right, as each path I will learn lessons.  There is nothing wrong with bad feelings.  Fortunately the bad in my life has always felt balanced with good.  One of my favourite quotes is by William Shakespeare, "Nothing is good nor bad but thinking makes it so"

My life leads one activity into the next, one memory brings me to the next memory.  I can get sucked into the why and how or I can just move forward to the next moment.  It is easy to write the process down and to know the wisdom but I struggle everyday with letting go of what I want and accepting what is.  Each moment my only choice is to move into the next moment and I am thankful for each and every memory created in those moments.  My goal is to accept my poor decisions, hope the people I have hurt can forgive me, say sorry, forgive myself, let go, welcome the next moments with open arms, and move into my future with love in my heart; this process is my constant joy and my perpetual struggle.