Day 23 - Stocking the Pond

May 23rd - Day 23

Stocking the Pond

A high school friend of mine, Kelly developed the horrible condition, MS.  It attacked her brain and she could never be left alone.  Robin and I went to stay with her when her sister had a baby, so her parents could welcome their new grandchild into this world.  Kelly's dad didn't have time to clean their backyard pool before they left but told us it would be crystal clear on his return.  Robin seeing the pond, I mean pool, in the backyard thought it needed some life in it.  So the 1st stop was the pet store to get some goldfish.  He stocked the pond and Kelly came out to give her stamp of approval.  

Kelly told Robin how when she was little she loved frogs and would turn them on their backs and rub their stomachs to hypnotized them.  Mission number 2 became to get a frog for Kelly, which was successfully achieved at the Chinese Grocery Store.  First Robin put the frog in a pot and visited his step mother, Susanna's, house.  Robin told Susanna he brought something for dinner.  She was very pleased as this was out of character for Robin.  Delightfully she opened the pot and let out the biggest scream.  She is still mad at him for this prank!

Robin brought the frog to Kelly's and put it in the pool.  When Kelly's parents phoned to see how she was doing she said she was just at the pond looking at the fish and holding "crazy Bill" the frog.  As the MS had attacked Kelly's brain she wasn't always clear so her parents thought it was a fabrication of her brain. Until they got home :)

My boyfriend all through high school had been Zoel as we dated from the age I was 15 - 20.  Now with Kelly's short term memory gone she was always asking where Zoel was.  So Robin and I thought it was a good idea to have Zoel over so she could see Zoel was married to someone else and I was married to Robin.  Zoel came over with his wife and his 2 year old son and we all had a nice time together.  Robin and Zoel went into the backyard and shot his pellet gun and we all chatted.  Robin and I thought it was a successful mission until the next day Kelly asked me where my little boy was.  We had made it worse.  She still thought I was with Zoel and we had a little boy together.  Robin and I just laughed.  It is weird to think that Robin, Zoel and Kelly have all passed away.  Life is strange.

A year before Robin's death we had moved into a new home that has a pond, so the first thing Robin did was stock it with 20 gold fish.  They were slowly eaten by the heron that patiently waited by the waters edge, and I thought they were all gone.  Now almost 2 years after Robin's death I looked out and counted 15 fish of all different sizes in the pond so I think they are breeding.  Robin is now their caretaker.

Villar de Mazarife to Astroga - 31.2 km

Today I could have stayed in bed forever (I think I say this every morning don't I?) as I was having such a good sleep but I get up when the first people stir and head out. The morning sunrise is beautiful and I feel hope for my future. The next town is a medievil jewel, I am kind of wishing I would have walked further yesterday so I could have stayed here but I would not have been with all the wonderful people I had so much fun with yesterday. This town has a long stone medieval bridge, with a tale of a true love story.

As I pose for a picture, Reo shows up at the same time. We pose together for pictures at the foot of the bridge and proceed to walk together. It is good to see her again. I can still tell that she is holding in her grief and I don't want to ask her what it is. She asks me why I am doing the Camino and I tell her that my husband had died. It is interesting how just a few days earlier this was hard to tell people but now is much easier to open up and tell people my story without a jabbing pain in my heart. It took Reo a bit but she told me the tragic tale of why she is doing the Camino. She had 4 people in the last year whom she was very close to, die; she sold her business that has kept her employed her whole working career; her husband had a debilitating condition and she recovered from breast cancer.

I am the first person on her journey that she has told her story to. I feel honoured that Reo feels safe enough to confide in me about her tragic past. I can not believe how strong she is to be walking and dealing with all these huge losses and changes. She is such a strong brave woman and I feel honoured to have walked with her. She isnʼt going all the way to Astorga today but I walk with her as far as she was going. I hope my listening ear helped her because she sure helped me.  

As I walk on I meet a woman named Jen. She needs someone to talk to about an issue she is having on the Camino. I give her no advice, she just needed someone to talk to so that she could work it out on her own. She said to me, as we parted way,s that she was thankful I was there to listen. As I walk on, I give a prayer of thanks for my friends, it was because they listened while I cried that I could now be the listening ear for other people.

I finish the last, short leg of the journey on my own. Joseph and Christian had passed me earlier but I did not ask where they were staying so it was a nice surprise to see them at the same albergue I had decided upon.  While I did my laundry I also ran into Patrick,  Michelle, her cousin, Petra and Wendy, everyone was staying here. Michelle loves to organize dinners so I just go along with her plans.

After laundry I go to bed as I am exhausted from the 31 km walk today. I fall asleep right away and it feels like 2 minutes later that Michelle is knocking on my door for dinner. I have no desire to get out of bed but it is already 7:00pm, I havenʼt eaten or even written in my journal yet, so much for looking around town and seeing the sights. I am so tired I donʼt want to get out of bed but I think I better eat.

Sitting around the table for dinner I am so rude and write in my journal while everyone is eating. I think one reason that I have gotten so close to these people so quickly is they really see me at my worst. The witness me when I wake up early in the morning and just want to be left alone or when I wake up from siesta and I am grumpy until I am fully alert. I can not hide myself from anyone when we all sleep in such tight quarters. 

I feel like I am in a daze, but slowly I wake up and include myself in the conversation. The talk is directed at me at times as everyone knows how I like to get up early and walk on my own. A woman has gone missing on the Camino and the authorities are warning pilgrims not to walk alone. I have never felt unsafe on my morning walks and I tell them not to worry. The poor family of this woman though, there still has been no clue of her whereabouts.

As soon as dinner is over I head back and go right to sleep. 

In comparison

I thought my life had shattered but as I relive the process again I see all the things that I have that have helped me on my recovery of grief.  When I compare myself to other people I feel utterly selfish for being so sad.  Kelly’s life ended early due to the MS that attached her brain.  Reo had lost so much in a span of 2 years and my life veils in comparison to their lives.  

I am beginning to realize that focusing on myself and helping myself recover by leaning on the people in my life for support, I am slowly able to listen to and support other people.  I need to heal myself first before I can be there for other people.

Comparing doesn’t help, I needed to repair the hole in my heart first, no matter how big or how small it was.  My girlfriend had a puppy that got hit my a car just after Robin passed.  She was so upset and grieving herself for her loss, she felt guilty saying it was nothing in comparison to what I was dealing with but I said, "grief is grief".  It is not the right time to compare, it is only time to heal.  If we don’t heal and grieve we can’t be there to help someone else.  Somethings take longer to heal from but the healing work needs to be done first.  

One word of advice:  Even if what you are grieving seems minimal compared to others it doesn’t matter.  It is your job to heal yourself and get yourself through this hurdle in your life.  I emphasize, “your” as no one can help you but yourself.  No one can come in, like a knight in shining armour and rescue you from your own life.  This is a tough journey and we can encourage and support people as they go through their own journeys but we can not carry them through.

Comparing my loss and grief to someone else's loss and grief is just another way of judging.  When I would compare I think about how they should do it or how I would do it differently.  Or I compare how they had so many other things on their side and I didn't.  Every situation has pros and cons and everyone has different pros and cons.  I had to see the things in my life that pulled me forward or the things that held me back.  So I try not to compare and judge.  It is hard as when I am not judging I can only focus on myself.  Looking at myself I see all the work I have to do and sometimes this is exhausting.  I wish life was easy sometimes.

It took my husbands death to learn how to take care of myself first, as I had no other option.  I don't think you have to loose a spouse to get to your limit.  I had been through other things in my life but I would compare my pain to others, and not feel that what I was struggling through was bad enough to warrant me focusing on myself.  I would give to others when I should have been focusing on my issues so that I could come out the other side healthy and strong even more capable of being there to support other people.

 I realize now my life didn't completely shatter from dealing with the death of my life partner.  I had many skills in my "pond" from previous life lessons, that helped pulled me through. This experience has brought me closer to people as I now acknowledge the people that so graciously have given me time to grieve and as I come back they are welcoming me with open arms.  They didn't feel neglected or mistreated for me taking care of myself.  For the ones that did feel neglected from the distance and space I created; I now know it doesn't matter what I go through in my life, they will always expect that I should put them first no matter what situation I encounter and I don't want people like that in my life.