Day 15 - Where Love is God is.

May 15th - Day 15

Becoming a Baba

My daughter blessed us with a grandson in 2012.  At first it was a shock because Dominique wasn’t in the best place in her life to start a family but she really stepped up to the plate.  She took care of herself and started to make good strong, healthy, decisions.  We felt so fortunate as she involved us in every step of the journey.  When Dominique went into labour the first time Robin was on his way home and was going to miss a ferry, so told the ferry worker his daughter was going to have a baby and needed to get on that boat.  The ferry worker managed to rush him on, Robin made it home but it was a false alarm.

Xavier hours old

When Dominique went into labour the second time he was home and was able to hold our grandson, Xavier, hours after he was born.  When Dominique placed the, hours old newborn, into Robin’s arms he wept.  He had never held such a small baby and witnessed the miracle of creating a life, he was so proud of Dominique.  From then on Robin would call Xavier his littlest best friend.  Robin would take naps with him, babysit him, take him for walks and brag about him to everyone.  

Robin and I went for a walk on the waterfront in Victoria with Xavier in his stroller, Robin was looking at all the fancy strollers and was getting envious of all their features.  I had to laugh at this man who never wanted to have children was now getting stroller envy.  I asked him, “Now that you know how much you love Xavier, do you wish you had children?”  “Hell, no!”  He quickly responded.

Until Robin died he continued to use Dominique having a baby as an excuse to get on planes or ferries, as it was so effective.  

Hormillos to Castrojeriz - 20.2 km

The last thing I feel like doing is getting out of bed and walking but I slowly and quietly sneak out of the room so I don’t wake anyone. It is cold in the air so I keep all my layers of clothing on but it is perfect walking weather. The green crops contrasting the blue sky, divided by the red poppies created an Eden to walk in, I canʼt imagine a more perfect day of walking.  I thought of all the people I love old and new and of course passed away, feeling the hole where they are supposed to be. 

Getting to the albergue in the afternoon made the contrast of my absent companions like a big void. There is no one here I know, and no one that knows me. I miss the people I left behind so much and can only wish to be reunited. If the rest of the Camino is like this it will be very lonely indeed. I am glad I walked more to stay with the group as I was having so much fun, but now the Spaniards gone home, the Brazilians gone ahead, some Germans ahead and some behind it feels so boring. I did appreciate everyone with me while I was with them. I worked so hard to stay with them but now they are gone and all my efforts feel fruitless.

After siesta I went and sat with Maria again. She is American but she was from Poland and has a Polish accent. She is so funny as she is so blunt. We laughed and laughed about the men snoring and walking around in their underpants. We were both crying we were laughing so hard. This feels nice. Maria said she went to a store/gallery down the road called, Hospital del Alma, Soul Hospital. I took her advice and I am so glad that I did. I was so moved by this exhibit. It said not to take any photos so I just absorbed the tranquil loving feelings I felt in this oasis. It had a magical effect on me. There were black and white photos on the wall of hands and feet with thoughtful sayings underneath such as: "The secret to relations is to ask much of yourself and little of others.", "The miracle is not to fly or walking on water, but walking on the earth", "Keep walking, though there's no place to get to".  "Don't try to see through the distances, that's not for human beings."  "Move within, but don't move the way fear makes you move."  "The purpose of words is transmitting ideas, when ideas are understood words, are forgotten.  Where can I find a man who has forgotten words?  I would really like to talk to."  "Nothing you can teach to a person, only you can help to find the answer inside himself."  "In order to show a child the right path, we have to travel it."

My emotions were transformed from loneliness to love. I do love art and its ability to empower.

I sat and had tea in the garden and absorbed the energy of the home filled with art. I felt so moved. I realized that if someone I love is away from me I canʼt miss them as they are part of my heart and I carry them everywhere I go. This place truly was a soul hospital and  I will treasure this memory and the lesson I am sure I will fall back on again and again in my life.

What I want to teach the children

It wasn’t only my loss I was grieving.  I was also grieving everyone else’s loss, especially my daughter, grandson and nephews and Mikail and Jackie’s sons.  I hate it when they hurt.  My grandson will never feel how much Robin adored him.  My daughter will no longer have a confidant and understanding ear.  My nephews will no longer learn about how to fix their cars, and perfect their shooting skills as they grow up.

When I thought about them I would get triggered and I wasn’t grieving Robin’s death, or my loss or the lack of a future.  I was crying because someone else wouldn’t have him in their life.

I want my daughter and nephews to recover from this loss.  Putting the energy into myself and figuring out how to heal will give them something to follow.  I don’t want them to hurt forever, I want them to open their hearts to love and not surround their hearts with a shell so they can’t move forward.  I feel like part of my journey is to heal myself so they can learn, through my journey, how to help themselves. 

One of the things I loved about Robin when we met is that he didn’t have a shell around his heart from past hurts he had in his life.  He was fully open to love and didn’t protect himself from pain.  It was refreshing and very inviting.  The last thing I would ever want is for Robin’s death to put a shell around my heart or anyone else he loved.  Now when I miss him, I do something or think of something that makes me feel the love I felt for Robin, then I can’t miss him because I am too busy loving him.

The friends I am making on this journey I will most likely never see again, but the impact they have had on my healing journey and my heart are beyond measure.  I don’t want to spend my life missing them either, I can but remember the fun we had and send them love, for where love is God is.