Day 22 - My Own Path

May 22nd - Day 22

My Path Your Path

Robin was given an 8 foot long inflatable boat from the dump and then someone dropped off an outboard motor as well. He fixed it up and we embarked on many adventures in that little boat.  One time we launched in Fulford Harbour and made our way to Brentwood Bay.  Robin would scare me to death as he launched over the wakes of the ferry, getting air in the process, entertaining the passengers on board.  After arriving in Brentwood Bay, Robin dropped me off at Butchart Gardens and I walked around the gardens while he booted around in the boat.  He came to pick me up and we had a drink at Brentwood Bay Hotel.  As we left, we struck up a conversation with a yachter, he asked us where we came from, Robin told him Salt Spring, and he said astounded, "In that?"  Pointing at our little inflatable.  

Robin and his friend Mark went all the way round Salt Spring.  Robin would tell people he won the race at the first annual round Salt Spring 9.9 motor race.  He neglected to tell people that they were the only "crew" in the competition.  I still wish I would have gotten them a t-shirt.  Robin and I would go to Thetis Island for lunch; stay in a friends cabin on Parker Island; beat the ferry to Sidney and go for lunch at the Rum Runner and go to the Rock Cod Cafe in Cowichan Bay.  All this in a little boat we got from the dump.

We loved going to our secret and undisclosed clamming spot to dig for those little jewels.  One time while boating we came across a crab boat pulling in their catch and Robin purchase one fresh from the boat. We were camping on Wallace island, where he would steam the clams, melt some butter and Robin would have a feast.  I loved harvesting and watching him indulge but I don't enjoy eating shell fish.  During the day Robin would fish, I would find a nice spot and write and we would convene after he cooked up the meal.  Then I would walk across the island and Robin would zoom around in the boat and come pick me up.  

This is a part of our yearly video we sent out at the end of each year.

We were doing exactly the same thing but our experiences and paths were completely different.  I loved the fact I that he didn't expect me to do what he loved, and I did exactly what I wanted and didn't expect him to walk my path.  Both of us thoroughly enjoyed each other and at the same time cherished our alone time.  It felt so balanced.  I never felt Robin expected anything of me when it came to my time.

Leon to Villar de Mazarife - 22.2 km

It is easy to get back into my regular routine this morning and I start to walk at 5:30am. Walking out of the city is easy to navigate as I follow the beautifully lit river then over a bridge and out. The sun came up just as I was cresting the summit leaving Leon in the distance, here I start to walk with a Danish fellow named Paw. It is the first day that I have walked with anyone the whole day. Well almost, except for my initial start in the dark, which I couldnʼt imagine walking with anyone.  A German man joins us for awhile named Hilmet. It feels strange to walk and talk with people my whole day. It goes by so quickly and by 10:45 I found myself at the next destination and Paw continued on. I could feel that I have made a shift as I am beginning to enjoy people and having conversations.

I didnʼt cry all day long. Wow, I just realized how completely different this feels.

I found a bed at an albergue that was recommended to me as it has a very good vegetarian meal. I have lots of time to relax and see the town before Petra, Christian and Joseph get here. There are 3 different albergues, the one I am staying at has a nice green lawn and everyone has to pass it as they come into town, so I relax on the lawn chairs waiting for my friends. Many familiar faces began to show up; Michelle the Australian checks into "my" albergue. Christian and Joseph arrive and say that Petra was a ways behind and they have phoned ahead and booked at another albergue.  I gave them time to get settled while Michelle and I walk around town.  After some exploring we go meet up with our friends at the other albergue.

Their albergue is cute with a bar and a courtyard. We all have sangria and then Jenna and Wendy join us, many people have said, "you know Wendy?", but I hadn't. When she arrived I recognized her  familiar face but we have never been introduced.  We sit around talking, laughing and enjoying each others company. I can never quite remember what I laugh at but usually Christian is doing something funny or our language barrier is making me laugh. Petra told us a story of while we were separated they stayed at an albergue where everyone was put in groups by their nationality and asked to sing a song from their country. Christian was the only one from Sweden that night and he sang a Swedish song into a toilet bowl plunger. He did a reenactment that had me crying with laughter.

I head back to my albergue for a siesta then dinner and I plan on returning to visit my friends after dinner. On the lawn of “my” albergue was Megan, a fellow Canadian, who is walking with a group of German speaking pilgrims as well. I sit on the lawn and get to know her friends, Guito, Dan, Lea and Nadine. They are a lot of fun and are enjoying the inexpensive beer available in Spain. It is funny that Megan and I both are Canadian travelling with people who speak German but we never travel together. I appreciate how they all speak English to include us in the conversation.

After siesta the vegetarian meal lives up to its reputation. There is a group of young people that are from a college in America and are doing this journey for a course in school. What a fabulous idea. Travelling with them is an American man who is now a priest in Russia, he is their Chaplin. Then next to me is a really funny English woman who wondered what the food was like in my country if I considered this meal good. Michele and I said our appreciations to the chef and we headed over to see Petra, Christian and Joseph. To be with all my friends and familiar faces feels so good, plus enjoying meeting new pilgrims makes me feel back to my normal me. I am so happy as I go to sleep. 

My own path

Through my grieving process I had to slowly navigate what my needs were, so that I could do what I needed to move forward.  It was impossible for me to grieve along side other people as this usually caused me even more pain.  I could feel through my own emotions the things I did to help me through this process.  My emotions showed me what was helping me move forward and things that pulled me backwards.  I had planned on doing the Tough Mudder with a friend and my daughter even before Robin died.  I found this to be a very healthy focus as I was able to exercise and train.  My brother joined us with another friend and I must say, it was one of the best experiences of my life.  This was a crucial part of my recovering. 

Also I was in a writing group facilitated by Ahava Shira with an amazingly supportive group of women that listened to my process of grief through writing and going into an art show expressing my journey through multi-media.  It was here that I started to learn how to step back and witness myself from a different perspective.  

While at the same time I did a viral art journalling class with Brene Brown pushing me to be vulnerable through this experience.  I continued to take care of my grandson which always brought me pleasure and joy.  I regularly visited my friends on the mainland and on Salt Spring. Plus joining a master swimming group gave me time in the water where I always feel at peace.

Now of course I write these words.  This was and is my path.  Every single person that is going through a grieving process will do it differently.  It is everyone’s choice to find their path, that will lead them to their own place of peace.  It seemed to me that the people that understood this the most were other widows who had lost their partners before me.  Their advice was, 'there is no right or wrong way, just your way.'  Their words are now starting to give me hope, as I am beginning to see that I am digging myself out of my hole.

On preparing to come to the Camino I went to watch the movie "Wild".  It is a true story of a woman, Cheryl Strand, who walks the Pacific Coast Trail after her mother dies.  I came home from the movie furious.  I was so angry at people in my life that had expectations of me that I wasn't living up to.  I was doing everything in my power to make healthy and good choices within the pain and grief of loosing my husband.  In this movie, when Cheryl lost her mother, she went into a crisis.  She lost her marriage, she started doing drugs and was having sex to fill the void from her mother's death.  People fall apart when they loose someone significant in their life and I had people (just a few) working against me on my journey.  They thought they knew what was best for me even though none of them had ever lost a partner.  This is a judgement, but these people, that put pressure on me, were people that never knew how to love unselfishly.  Their own relationships were always in ruin and they were trying to fix my life.  I was extremely angry when I arrived home from this movie and my poor daughter got the brunt of my explosion when I walked in the door.

Through my process, the one thing I know for sure is that I and only I could feel what made me feel good and what made me feel bad.  I chose things that made me feel good again and again even if other people thought I was doing completely the wrong thing.  People would tell me to do things that would make them feel better, in hopes of helping me, but the best thing I learnt from this whole experience is to only listen to myself.  This is a lesson that will stick with me now for the rest of my life. My advice to anyone will be,  "listen to the guide within yourself".