May 20th - Day 20
Stranger in My Own Home
When we got married, Robin made it clear that he didn't want children. I loved kids but I had a baby when I was younger and placed her for adoption, so having children was a traumatic experience for me that I hadn't dealt with emotionally, so I agreed.
Years into our marriage, I did change my mind but by this time my body was making it difficult; fortunately my daughter re-entered our lives. Going from no children, to all of a sudden having a teenager, going through the emotional roller coaster of a teenager, made Robin's and my life change instantly. It felt so nice to have Dominique in our life but our life changed so radically, especially Robin's that I came home from work one night and Robin had written on my mirror with toothpaste "I am a stranger in my own home". I felt like I was living in an insane asylum.
Believe me it took a lot of work and a lot of counselling but we all got through it and in the end became a tight knit family. This is what Dominique said at Robin's memorial.
Second time I met Robin I moved into his house as an unstable teenager that needed immense guidance and a shit load of patience. As time passed he helped forge me into who I am today. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the unbelievably extensive support he provided me with. He taught me many things from, how to wash the dishes with the least amount of effort, to how to enjoy life minute to minute, to how to meditate and to wait for the universe to provide. He also encouraged me in all my crazy ideas; he was my proof reader when I was planning to be a famous author, my photographer when I planned to be a supermodel, my driver when I wanted to audition to be a pregnancy model. He was my hair model when I wanted to be a hairdresser, my assistant planner when I wanted to open a multi million dollar business with no money in my bank account and most of all my cheer leader when I became a mom. He cried with me during break ups, was protective even when it lead to bottles being broken over heads when I invited him to go clubbing with me, he laughed when I scratched up his truck when he dared me to speed while 4×4ing. He was always so supportive. I remember when he had drinks and danced with me in the kitchen to club music so I didn't feel like I was missing out living on a club less island. I love him so much and I am so privileged to have gone on our father daughter dates. We talked about seeing avitar 2 together as avitar 1 was our first father daughter date. I know he will still use the coupon for the date and come along with me when it comes out. My son is so privileged to have such an amazing baba! He played with Xavier, got him a motorbike and plane, babysat him and cuddled him, took naps with him and taught him words like bird. He's a great dad and grandad and we will miss seeing his amazingly bright and expressive face.
El Burgo Ranero to Leon - 18.8 km + 18.6 km bus ride
Wow I feel liberated. I walked 18.8 km and then took the bus 18.6 km into the city of Leon, it was the BEST bus ride I have ever taken in my life! Now I will have 2 full days of enjoying and relaxing in the city. As soon as I got into the city I bumped into the cutest little hotel; it has a shared bathroom, kitchen and living area but my own bedroom. It is very eclectic and artsy, just my style and perfect at only $19 EUROʼs a night.
I wash up, rest for a bit and head to the main city square. It is always the best place to meet people. There are so many people that I know and recognised, I feel like I am at my family reunion. I sit in the square and chat with my fellow pilgrims. I ran into a lot of my German friends whom had gone ahead and were now spending extra time in Leon. Margaret my bunk mate in Najera is injured but is carrying on the journey by bus she is still going from albergue to albergue at the same pace as the other pilgrims. Nice to see there are so many ways to do this pilgrimage. I met a very funny German, Berta who was with Margaret. We laughed so much about what a ridiculous journey this was and who on earth decides to walk 800 km. It feels so good to laugh about it, instead of cry.
I bump into Jo; we had walked up the Pyrenees the first day and this is the first time we have seen each other since that monumental start. We made a date to meet at the square at 6:00pm and go for dinner. As I walk back to my hotel I feel delighted with my decision to come to the city by bus and stay here a day. As I lay down for siesta, I am a very content woman.
The lady at the front desk is really nice. It is impossible to find a place to use a computer, as everyone has cel phones, so she let me go into the office and use her computer. I go on Facebook and leave messages for everyone, letting them know my where abouts and that I am counting the days till my return. Then I leave a message for Petra to tell her where I am on this journey, I wonder if they are behind me or ahead of me. I couldnʼt use the computer again to see if Petra responded but I sure hope to connect with her again before I finish this journey, which is getting closer and closer all the time. After I spend another day in Leon I am only 12 days from completing. I can hardly wait to be done walking!
I return to the square early and run into Martin and his friends whom I went to that dramatic mass with, where the lady was yelling at the priest. We all toured the cathedral together. It was really beautiful. We convened in the cathedral square where I told them the story of how I wanted to be a nun and was laughing at the nuns and how slow they were. I guess I laughed loud as he shushed me for laughing so loud. This is me, but he hadn't seen the true me as I had been quiet and reserved since the beginning of the Camino. With this laughter I feel me coming back to myself.
Leon is a remarkable city with lots of public art. I was getting recharged by everything I see. A new and completely different sight around every corner, no more boring beautiful countryside. I met up with Jo and Berta joined us along with Catherine another Brit, for a fun and very tasty dinner filled with laughter. Going back to my hotel I am feeling a zest for life that I haven't felt in a long time. The contrast feels amazing. I feel alive.
Leon is a remarkable city with lots of public art. I was getting recharged by everything I see. A new and completely different sight around every corner, no more boring beautiful countryside. I met up with Jo and Berta joined us along with Catherine another Brit, for a fun and very tasty dinner filled with laughter. Going back to my hotel I am feeling a zest for life that I haven't felt in a long time. The contrast feels amazing. I feel alive.
Stranger in my own life - A quick change in scenery
Just as Robin felt like he was a stranger in his own life, so did I. My life and myself were so different then it had ever been before Robin's death. Everyday was so completely boring and dull. I felt this sadness and pain wherever I went. I was trying and trying and yet I still felt sad. I never wanted to meet new friends or be around new people, it felt torturous. Just as in my journey on the Camino I couldn’t handle it anymore, I got on a bus and quickened my recovery. In my life I got on a plane and started the Camino. In our case with Dominique coming back in our lives we went to therapy and counselling. I am sure happy Robin didn’t get in his car or a plane and leave us, as I am sure he was very, very tempted.
I will forever be grateful to Robin for his fortitude and strength during this very difficult time in our lives. We put our relationships first but as a result everything else fell apart. I could not focus on anything but getting Dominique healthy. Our finances went into the toilet, as this was my responsibility and finances were not Robin's forte in the least. I can look at things from many different angles. I could be mad at Robin that he didn't step up to the plate and take care of things but now with him gone I appreciate the things I had with him, not the things I didn't. I am thankful that we both moved forward through difficult times and didn't get stuck. We came through everything with a happy and healthy family. Before Robin died, life was good and our family was stable. I am so grateful we pulled together as a family through the adversity instead of letting it tear us apart, it could have easily gone either way.
I have been asked how we did it, how we stayed together. Now that Robin has been gone for almost 2 years I have had lots of time to analyse and thought trying to figure this out. Sometimes I think when we got married I just hung onto his coat tails for dear life and went along for the ride. I had no time to think about a different direction of my life. But then I remember there were many times we could have both thrown in the towel. But we didn't, why? I think it was just the combination of our two personalities; Robin was a romantic and I was loyal. When you live with someone most of the time you drive each other crazy, we did things to reduce the insanity. We made sure to get away from the house and do things together, routinely. We both believed that there is no right decision, it is how you react to the decision. We both put our relationship and our relationships with others as our main priority. We made lots of mistakes and learnt what not to do in relationships. Then we would try again, fail, then get up and try again. Marriage is a perpetual process where the work never ends. Most of the time it is completely exhausting. Then adding children to the mix is almost a recipe for disaster as there are even more relationships to work on. Robin and I knew the instant contrast between having a teenager to not having a teenager and the strain it caused on our marriage.
Now that Robin has passed away I know that it is neither good nor bad that Robin died. We all will die, it is inevitable. The only thing I can do is control how I react to his death and the change in my life. Writing this book, is me reacting in a healthy manner as words help me heal. Talking to my daughter, my mother and my best friends on the phone every day help me purge my feelings. Getting on the plane and walking 800 km is helping me look at things from a different perspective. It feels as though I am watching myself through this journey.
I am starting to see myself clearer again and am not as much a stranger to myself anymore.
When Dominique entered our life she was a stranger but she no longer is a stranger to me, she is my daughter. I am so fortunate she came back to live with us. I could not have imagined getting through Robin's death without her by my side. She is a very wise soul and has stood beside me through this whole process. She supports and encourages me along my journey. She is a wonderful daughter and an amazing mother, Xavier was truly blessed to have been born to her, and I am fortunate they are both in my life.
I have been asked how we did it, how we stayed together. Now that Robin has been gone for almost 2 years I have had lots of time to analyse and thought trying to figure this out. Sometimes I think when we got married I just hung onto his coat tails for dear life and went along for the ride. I had no time to think about a different direction of my life. But then I remember there were many times we could have both thrown in the towel. But we didn't, why? I think it was just the combination of our two personalities; Robin was a romantic and I was loyal. When you live with someone most of the time you drive each other crazy, we did things to reduce the insanity. We made sure to get away from the house and do things together, routinely. We both believed that there is no right decision, it is how you react to the decision. We both put our relationship and our relationships with others as our main priority. We made lots of mistakes and learnt what not to do in relationships. Then we would try again, fail, then get up and try again. Marriage is a perpetual process where the work never ends. Most of the time it is completely exhausting. Then adding children to the mix is almost a recipe for disaster as there are even more relationships to work on. Robin and I knew the instant contrast between having a teenager to not having a teenager and the strain it caused on our marriage.
Now that Robin has passed away I know that it is neither good nor bad that Robin died. We all will die, it is inevitable. The only thing I can do is control how I react to his death and the change in my life. Writing this book, is me reacting in a healthy manner as words help me heal. Talking to my daughter, my mother and my best friends on the phone every day help me purge my feelings. Getting on the plane and walking 800 km is helping me look at things from a different perspective. It feels as though I am watching myself through this journey.
I am starting to see myself clearer again and am not as much a stranger to myself anymore.
When Dominique entered our life she was a stranger but she no longer is a stranger to me, she is my daughter. I am so fortunate she came back to live with us. I could not have imagined getting through Robin's death without her by my side. She is a very wise soul and has stood beside me through this whole process. She supports and encourages me along my journey. She is a wonderful daughter and an amazing mother, Xavier was truly blessed to have been born to her, and I am fortunate they are both in my life.
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