Day 18 - I Will Become A Nun

May 18th - Day 18

It Started With a Bunch of Scrap Metal

Working as an iron worker, Robin was surrounded by scrap metal that whirled around his imagination as dinosaur bones.  With these bones he made Donny the Dimetrodon and next he started to make presents for people.   He made some wire trees out of tie wire and they were a hit, and I became his assistant as they now were in demand.  

One of Robin’s first jobs was selling dictionaries by display marketing.  You know those people that come to your job and leave books for you to buy and then come back a few days later to fill orders?  Well Robin’s display marketing days took him on adventures to Alaska and Minneapolis.  Again a whole book can be written just about this one job.  But it gave him the display marketing skill.

Robin was layed off and I quit my job and we jumped into the metal work business full time, very full time, we worked at least 80 hours a week together.  Looking back we were making about $3 per hour.  But we made 100’s of these wire trees with glass marbles hanging off them.   A lot of stores bought them for display as they were good for hanging jewelry on for show.  

From there he took a program through unemployment to start his own business, he got a bank loan and welding and cutting equipment and he was off, his imagination came alive.  It was interesting to see the creatures that ran around in his mind.  

Caldadilla de la Cueza to Sahajun - 22.7 km

The weather is beautiful, the sun is coming up and there is a nice breeze to start the day. The landscape is amazing; green rolling hills, contrasted by the big blue sky, birds chirping, lizards scurrying and grass hoppers popping in and stacks of hay looking like abstract art sculptures. Perfectly boring!  It was the same all day, since I left Burgos. I kept reminding myself to see and feel the beauty. But with no hills, no changes and nothing to break up the day it feels mundane. I reminded myself with each step “I walk out of my past and into my future.” But with each step my future stays exactly the same and I walk alone.

When I get to the albergue there are no familiar faces again. I had met a lady named Reo while walking and she is here but I don't even know her. When I tried to talk to her she is not ready to talk. I can tell that she was in a lot of pain from something but she does not want to open up, she keeps to herself. I like being alone while I walk but I hate being alone in the evenings. My fear is this is how it is going to stay, I still have more then 2 weeks to go.

I phone Dominique and she is in Palm Springs having a really fun time and just got back from Disneyland.  (Robin and I had planned to take Dominique and Xavier to Disneyland in March, he died in January).  I  cry on the phone telling her what a horrible time I am having. There is no one here I know, I feel so lonely, this is the stupidest thing I could have ever done. Who walks 800 km? I am in physical pain all the time plus it brings back all the emotional pain I felt when Robin died, my life is never going to change, is it going to be boring forever?  Why on earth did I do this to myself?  I feel like I am torturing myself.  I am sure I am a complete buzz kill as she was having so much fun!  I feel guilty as I hang up the phone.  It is not fare of me to do this to her.

I started walking the Meseta after Burgos. Some people love it but most people hate it. It is the same day after day and no challenging climbs so there is way too much time to think. Well thinking too much is what I am doing. I have been trying so hard to be positive and get through this but all I end up doing is crying. I am so tired of crying. I hate this walking, I am so tired of walking.

After my routine I wake up from my siesta and set out to find the chapel so I can go to the pilgrims mass. Each town I walk through is so different and the architecture changes because traditionally the people use the natural resources available in their area, to build their structures. In this town everything seems to be in decay as everything was built with inferior materials. I see a sculpture of a figure and the face is deteriorated. I feel like this is me. What a place to be when I feel like my life will be eternally empty and boring. I am this sculpture, I am faceless.

I sit in the chapel ready for the pilgrims mass and it is equally depressing. The nuns do the blessing. When they come out to sit in the front they are so old they could hardly move. As they pass the alter they all bow, a few donʼt even have the strength in them to bow, instead they shuffled by. They are old and decrepit. It is almost comical. 

But then as we leave I look in their eyes and there is so much love. Is this my future? Alone with God on earth till I join my loved ones in the here after?

I feel like I am crumbling

I wanted a straight path through this grief so I could get to the other side, it feels like I am going in more circles than I ever did before.   Just when I start to feel like I have some confidence and things are getting better, I get proud of myself and feel strong, I begin to weep.  These emotions and tears come from so deep down I can’t stop them.  I guess that is why the saying goes,  they well up.  They come from deep down in a well and spew out.  

I hate change, I donʼt ever initiate change in my life, it just kind of happens to me but this “no change” is dreadful!! I fear my life will stay the same. I have no desire to be alone for the rest of my life. I want the ups and downs of a relationship; the struggle, the companionship and most of all the love. It takes things out of this boring place of peace, but maybe I need to enjoy the peace so I can welcome the love. There are so many people around me and I am scared to connect to them.

I feel so lifeless and in a void like the statues in this town.  I feel like there is nothing enticing about me.  I am faceless and crumbling and I have no substance.  

I heard it everywhere I went, "You are young, you will find someone else", so many people said it to me.  What I heard when they said this to me was, "You can't do this on your own, you need a man to complete you, you need a partner as you are incapable of doing this alone".  I hated them for their words of encouragement.  I felt like I was the the scrap metal that Robin used to create me, it was Robin who created this woman out of nothingness, who loved her life.  I felt incapable of doing this on my own.

When I placed my daughter for adoption after she was born so many people that I loved and respected told me "You are doing the right thing".  Every time they told me these words what I heard was, "you couldn't have done this on your own, you would have been a horrible mother".  I never saw how strong and capable I was then and maybe I don't see it now.

I started my first relationship when I was 15 years old and I had back to back boyfriends until Robin and I were married when I was 28.  I have never been without a man in my life and I don't know if I can do this on my own.  At this time I have no desire to include a man in my life but I doubt that I can do this thing called life without a partner.  This aloneness feels so different from who I have always been, it feels so completely foreign.

I have crumbled and I have no idea how to shape and create myself into the person I want to become. There seems no hope for me.  I think I should become a nun so that I can be, one with God, but those nuns seemed so old, so lifeless, but when I looked into their eyes all I saw was love.  Their only job is to feel Gods love and give it to other people.

I can do this, I will become a nun.