Day 21 - Venturing Out Alone

May 21st - Day 21

Getting Robin to do something he didn’t want to do was not just painful, it was completely impossible.  I could cry and complain to my hearts content but if he made his mind up there was no changing it.  Sitting inside and socializing was not something Robin enjoyed.  Or even standing inside a building was like torcher.  We would go to the grocery store and if the line-up was longer then a few minutes I was left to complete the sale on my own.  

Robin hated to go visiting.  I love to go visiting.  I used to get upset when he didn’t come with me but I learnt to appreciate the pros of not having him along.  When he came to the mainland with me we spent the whole time going from restaurant to restaurant.  Plus he needed his coffee with tonnes of sugar and would be outside smoking the whole time instead of inside with me.

People on the mainland hardly knew him as he never would come out and visit with me.  If you wanted to know Robin you needed to do it on his terms, you had to come to Salt Spring or go camping with him or work with him.

Leon

I slowly rose at 8:30am, what a luxurious feeling! I had a shower without having to even do anything warrant it, I had breakfast on the terrace and then went for a stroll in the city. I told Dominique that the first thing I was going to get when I got to Spain was eat Chocolate con Chirros and I hadnʼt had them yet. So I set as my morning goal to have con chirros for breakfast. After that successful mission I wandered around town taking pictures of public art spaces and just wandering.

I ended up in the cathedral square where an old man asked me to sit beside him, he asked me if I was solo.  I was used to telling people I was a solo pilgrim so I made the obvious mistake of saying, “si, solo”, he then proceeded to say we should get married or have sex, I am not completely sure which. I decided to go for another walk and decline any further invitations for conversation. 

I love hanging out in the square and seeing people come and go and listen to the children play. I ran into Linda and David and the Brazilians and then who should I see but Michelle, Petra, Christian and Joseph. I was completely delighted. It was so nice to be reunited with my friends. Joseph was the first person I sat and had dinner with on the 4th day, Petra I met on the 7th day when we all were having a drink after mass listening to the funny South African Shylo and Christian on my 5th day when he asked if I had to go to the toilet. Michelle I met on the Meseta on my 14th day.  These moments felt like an eternity ago, it felt like I was greeting long lost friends not just people I had met about 2 weeks ago.  I invited them to my flat and we all went to the terrace to have wine. Now that I had a kitchen I could make a decent meal so I invited them back that evening for dinner.

Making a grocery list for the dinner got me so excited but first I wanted to go to the museum.  I took a bit of a siesta which I am now accustom to and then went to the Cathedral museum. I was very delighted when the first section was all textiles. Too bad I was not allowed to take pictures. Ancient textiles fascinate me as they were all spun and woven by hand and coloured with natural dyes. No synthetics or machines were used. The man power it would take to create some of these woven garments for the priests is remarkable. The museum didnʼt stop, it continued room after room after room. I paid 3 Euroʼs to get in, it is way more value then I expected.

I made my way back to the grocery store where I purchased all the supplies for the dinner, amazed at how inexpensive it is to buy groceries. As I enter my new home I pour myself a glass of wine and proceeded to make a meal, the only thing that was missing was music. As my guests arrive I felt my last week of depression had now drifted away with the clouds. I hoped this was now the end of my crying, I knew that Robin was cooking and laughing and drinking along side me as these were all things that he lived for. I feel so happy and I tell them all how much I had missed them as I trudged through the Meseta. I went to bed with a full stomach ready to tackle the rest of my journey. I write in my journal, “Delightful!!!! I feel so happy!!!! 

Venturing out alone

I was fortunate that I was used to doing things alone.  I like going to an art gallery or a movie alone, as there is a freedom going solo as I am never left wondering if the other person is enjoying the experience or not, I can enjoy it completely for myself.  I don’t have to worry if I am going too fast or too slow on a walk for someone else’s comfort, it feels very normal for me and I enjoy walking by myself.  

I am very fortunate that I was used to doing things alone before Robin died.  It would have been such a enormous contrast if we had been at the point in our marriage where we worked together 24/7.  He now had worked out of town and we would enjoy each others company when he was home but most of the time I was home alone.  

I learnt from being married to Robin that we could be a couple without having to do everything together.  I became to appreciate the benefit of letting Robin do what he wanted to do as I then gave myself permission to do what I wanted to do.  I knew that if he was doing something with me it was because he really wanted to and since he did this so could I.  If we both wanted to do different things we would do what we wanted and then come together at the end of the day.  When we both wanted to do the same thing it was magical.  I learnt life didn't have to be magical all the time.

Even when Robin was home I was used to visiting friends and family on my own or he would visit his friends and I would visit my friends.  Regularly we would go to Tofino together, I would walk on the beach alone and go surfing alone and Robin would make dinner or we would go out for dinner together.  I had no desire to walk the streets of Leon and look at the art with anyone, I love spending time alone, it is very comfortable for me.  When I travel with friends they always know that I like my alone time but then enjoy coming together at the end of the day.  

What I am used to is at the end of the day Robin would be there to have dinner with or when he was in camp was there to talk to on the phone.  I enjoy having the reward at the end of the day of spending time or talking with people.  Which I am beginning to let come back into my life.  Now that I am starting to include people in my life again, things are starting to feel like my normal.  

I thought, me pushing people away after Robin died was me grieving but what it was, was me just trying to get to my normal state of being.  People were worried about me being alone after Robin died and all of a sudden I was bombarded with people.  Don't get me wrong, I totally appreciated it, but what it did was magnify the change that was happening in my life even more.  In one moment I have a husband and my life is generally quiet and then all of a sudden Robin is dead and I am completely surrounded by people.  

Being an introvert means that being around people takes energy away from me and I need time alone to reenergize.  I needed so much time to reengergize so that I could face people again but I wasn't getting that time.  I was in shock, my whole life was in shock and one day it was one way and the next day there was nothing familiar for me to hold onto.  But as the days went on I did find things that were familiar, the friends I have had since I was young.  They reminded me of who I was before Robin, who I was at my core.  I never knew what jewels these people were in my life until Robin died.  Also spending time with Xavier, who has a wonderful gift of empathy but still a two year old living in the moment.  Plus the work I had chosen my whole life; work that brought me into the moment.  I learnt more about myself and my relationships in this time of my life then I ever have before.  

Walking through the city of Leon by myself, making dinner for my "old" Camino friends at the end of the day, living in the moment made me feel more like the me I know.