Day 17 - Learning How to Take Care of Myself

Day 17 - May 17th

All's Fun and Games Until Someone Gets Hurt

Our 4 oldest nephew were a very big part of our life,  they always spent quality time with us for a few days on their Spring, Summer and Christmas breaks from school each year.  They would tell people they are going to Uncle Robin’s house, I would be like, "what about me?"  "Oh, ya", they'd say  "and Aunties house," they loved their Uncle Robin, I know he was their favourite.  

It is hard to think of just one story with the boys, as there are so many simple fun times such as; when Robin put up the bug zapper and we all slept on the deck watching the bugs getting zapped, until we couldn't keep our eyes open any longer; or when they went to work with Uncle Robin to find treasures at the garbage dump and Robin would brag that he fed his nephews with from food from the dump;  then there was the time Cody, the oldest, got swarmed by a wasps nest and Uncle Robin came to the rescue; or when Robin would take them to the Garbage Dump and put out cones for them to navigate as he taught them to drive. The last special memory they had with Robin was when he spent the day shooting his new shot gun with them all, he was so happy they all came out, he treasured this time, I know as he told me again and again.

I think the story I will tell is of when Robin made a knife throwing video with them.  After he started doing his Youtube channel, the boys were also actors on his adventure.  Robin had a shocking idea; he wanted to show how to throw knives at a playing card while Quinnten the 3rd born, stood underneath the target.  We had it all planned, with myself recording, Colten the 2nd oldest was hidden ready to embed the knife in the wood safely, then behind the wall he made the sound of a knife hitting the target, after Robin simulated throwing the knife.  It looked as though Robin had thrown a knife just above Quinnten's head.

After many takes, the filming was up to Robin’s standards and we put it on his YouTube channel.  Robin and the boys were all delighted when they got negative comment about how irresponsible Robin was to do such an dangerous activity with children.  Anything for a reaction.

Frommista to Caldadilla de la Cueza - 37.6 km

Today was an interesting day with some interesting characters. 

There are two different routes to the same place and I am taking the one on the road, which is less travelled by pilgrims, as more people take the nature path. Being on my own and leaving so early in the morning, it feels safer taking the one that goes through the towns. As I walk a local man is doing his morning walk and tags along, walking and talking as he follows the Camino trail. He knows no English and I know no Spanish, so we walk and smile but don't understood each other.

Conversing with him I start to understand Xavier, my grandson, and his process of learning to talk. When we say things to Xavier, he mimics back to us what we say. I am doing the same to this Spaniard. I donʼt understand the words, I just repeat what he says back to him. I guess I agreed to be given a ride, as later in the day he arrives with his car to pick me up. I am very appreciative but decline the ride. I am assuming he was going to drive me to the next town, but who knows, it remains a mystery that I have no desire to unfold. Then Patrick, the young German, and I walk together into the next town. He is nice to walk with as he is quiet and we walk in silence, Patrick is very comfortable and easy to be with.

The Spaniard I walked with

My Ride That I Declined

I didnʼt start till 6:30 but the terrain is so flat with no hills to slow me down that I walk 20 km by 10:30am. I donʼt feel like waiting for hours till the albergue opens, as they clean up after the previous evenings pilgrims, so I say goodbye to Patrick and carry on to the next village. The only problem with this decision is that the next village is 17 km away so a 20 km day becomes a 37 km day. 

Exhausted I Arrive at the the municipal albergue to find it full. The next one is full, with reservations, so I head to the hotel and they are full as well.  Deflaited, I think, oh well, there is nothing I can do, I will have to walk to the next village that is another 6 km away. Resigned to the inevitable, I pick up my pack and start to walk but am stopped by a lady who works at the hotel, “Seniorita, senorita, we have room somewhere else” I go back into the hotel to find that there is a suite in someoneʼs home for $30 Euros. I really donʼt care about the cost, it is a bed and I am excited. 

The cost ends up being even higher then expected as I have to endure the owner of the home who is overcome by my beauty, he gives me at least 100 kisses going from check to check, looking at me lovingly in my eyes, until I have to push him out of the doorway of my room so that I can lock the door. Then he looks at me like I have just left him for another man.

After double locking the door I am delighted to have a room all to myself. My own bathroom, my own shower, a double bed with no one snoring beside me. I relax into my freedom, it feels so strange not to have anyone around me as I have been completely surrounded by pilgrims for 17 days now, wow only 17 days!  It feels like I have been here a lifetime.  But even with these wonderful surroundings I miss my previous companions.

My life is now the Camino, with my life at home so far away, I thought things would be different, but what happens to me here, is the same things that were effecting me and my relationships at home. It is strange how quickly I can change my focus from home to the Camino. But the changes here parallel the changes I am feeling in my own life at home. Proof again that you take yourself wherever you go.  My favourite line from Breakfast at Tiffany's is; No matter where you run you just end up running into yourself."

Learning how to take care of myself

When Robin was alive, I said if something happened to him, the last thing I would want is another relationship, But as soon as I was able to think, my thoughts went directly to not wanting to be alone, I wondered if I could do this life thing on my own.  I had no desire to be single for the rest of my life.  I looked at older couples and envied them, I wanted to be married for 50 years.  I wanted to grow old with someone and now I never will.  I loved being in a partnership and being a wife.  I have never run away from the difficulities in our relationship, I wanted to learn how to be with someone for life.  I guess this is not the lesson I am meant to learn in this life.

I also wondered if I wanted to be with someone or if what I was feeling was a fear that I couldn’t take care of myself.  Today on the Camino proved that theroy wrong, with all the curves today sent me; walking extra on my own, no accommodations, deciding to walk further, then a place came up, but the owner who was a predator and I protected myself.  I did it!  All on my own, I didn't need a partner to protect me.  

At home I live on my own.  I pay all my own bills.  When the car breaks down I bring it to the mechanic.  I did this whole trip by myself.  Yes I have a ton of people who support me and are there for me and for each and every one I am thankful.  But I never knew that I was so capable.  I am strong and I am capable.

When Robin first died all I could see and feel was the places I lacked and where he compensated for my inadequacies.  As time goes forward with each step I take on my own, I am beginning to trust what my future will bring and I will be able to cope with the challenges and lessons God gives me.  Who I thought I was, was someone who needed a husband; I thought I was someone who couldn't cope in life without a partner, but I am doing it!  I am proud of myself through every scary moment.

But then who knows, maybe I am fooling myself, maybe subconsciously I am terrified of another knife going through my heart, and all this talk of me being able to manage on my own, is me protecting my heart from being broken again.  Oh how the mind waivers back and forth and back and forth.