Week One - Chapter One

Destination Tofino - Cougar Camp

Things have changed so quickly that it feels like I am not just starting a new chapter in my life but a whole new book.  I have moved from my house and my island home where I have lived for the last 17 years.  I have put everything in storage, started a new live-in job, and instead of getting a permanent residence, I will be exploring the natural beauty of Vancouver Island on my days off.  I will be a gypsy.

Fortunately the timing was perfect as a group of my girlfriends and I had previously booked a few days retreat at Chahayis on Chesterman Beach in Tofino.  A group of my long-time friends traditionally get together to have a 'Cougar Camp', were us 'mature' women get together to talk, surf, drink and eat good food.

My first weekend of being a gypsy and I will be staying at a luxury waterfront home and listening to the surf as I go to sleep.  My friends and I spend our time playing in the ocean or walking its shores.  We all take turns making meals for each other to enjoy around the table that overlooks the surf and the constant changing view of the sea and sky.  It is magical!

The Journey

Coming from different directions we met at an ideal location, Goat on the Roof, in Coombs.  We eat, stock up on groceries and hit the road, meeting up at the next destination only 15 minutes down the road.  Right on the highway is Cathedral Grove where there are monstrous trees in an old growth forest.  The next leg of the journey from Cathedral Grove to Tofino takes longer, about 2 hours, giving us time to catch-up, making the time and distance fly by.

Arriving at our destination I suggested everyone share the first experience of seeing the ocean.  My husband, Robin and I always had the tradition of experiencing the first glance of the ocean together.  It is such a contrasting sight from the forested terrain we travelled through to get to the West Coast and the first sight of the ocean always takes my breath away, I think it should be experienced with others.

When we arrived at Chahayis we all made our way to the front of the house looking town at the path, with the roar of the waves accompanying our steps until we could look up at the ocean together.  Some of our group had never been here and were blown away that this was going to be our accommodation for the weekend.  Even though I have been here numerous times, the exhilaration I feel on that first glance never fades.  I am sure my friends get tired of me saying, "oh isn't it so beautiful ", but then again they were saying the same thing so I am sure they didn't mind.

Everyone has or longs to find that place where time and problems disappear, for me being around water especially the ocean is where I experience an overwhelming feeling of love.  What many people call bliss, I call love.  It is a place of nonjudgement, acceptance and where I am completely immersed in the moment.

Gazing out on water and its constant change from calm to rough I feel the waters peacefulness and strength.  It is my greatest love and my greatest fear.  It always amazes me how something so peaceful looking, can kill so fiercely. But I am prepared for my experience and am always cautious and safe, (my many years of life guarding help).  I am a good swimmer; I know what to do if I get caught in a current; I tell my friends when I go out in the water; plus I have the right equipment to keep me warm.  I have a thick wet suit that enables me to stay out for long periods of time without getting cold.

For me there is nothing better than putting on my wetsuit, with the help of my friends and immersing myself fully into the experience of the ocean, not just looking at the water but being in the water.  Not that ... being in the ocean is better than looking at the ocean .... but I experience it from a totally different perspective.

When I tell people I am going surfing usually that means bougie boarding.  It is so easy and I don't have to work so hard.  One day I'll be able to surf better but for now I go the easy route.

With my bougie board in hand I wade into the water to where the waves are breaking which is no higher than my waste.  I judge the perfect spot to stand to catch the waves, watching where they break.  The strength of some waves almost push me off my feet as I head out, some waves I jump through, others crash against my body.  Arriving at the right spot I see a good wave and attempt to jump in but I was too late. I have to jump in at the right time. There are the waves that look so perfect as they roll towards me but they break ahead or behind me. Timing is everything!

Most of the time I am waiting, watching for a good wave.  It doesn't have to be perfect because I will be back out again and again, catching wave after wave.   You think I would grow impatient when the right wave doesn't come along but I don't.  I find that it is just as much fun watching the waves and the sky and the passing birds or letting myself float with the current as I wait or jumping into waves that go no where at all.

Then I get the timing right and I ride a wave to the shore, it feels so amazing, I am sure my smile can't get any bigger.  I enjoy every single second of the experience.  Some waves don't take me all the way into shore and last for only a few seconds, some I can ride right into the shore until my belly rubs on the sand.

Photo by Melodie Twemlow
As I watch the waves it looks like the water in the wave travelled from a far distance ending at the shore.  Being on the extreme west coast the next land mass would be Hawaii or even Japan, I used to think the water came from there.  I have learned that is not the way it works; it is strange as the ocean water moves up making a wave and then falls back into the immenseness of the ocean.  It isn't new water with each wave it is same water that moves up and down.  When I relax and float, it is the currents underneath that pull me in dangerous directions.  When we took surf lessons last time they told us to have a mark on shore, doing this keeps us out of harms way.  They told us to keep moving back and getting aligned to our focus on shore.

I am sure you can see all the parallels to life, the ocean conjures up in my mind.  As I catch each wave, or float with the current or miss an opportunity with a wave, each moment is giving me a life lesson.  The ocean speaks to me and tells me many stories.  The roar of the ocean drowns out the voices of people within 10 feet of me but it whispers in my ear exactly what I need to hear.

The Messages the Ocean Teaches Me

Some people that enter my life will be there for a short period of time and they may leave early so enjoy every second I have with them.

I will have friends or family that last my whole life and they will be there right to the very end.

Some people will come in and out of my life and that is alright.  Timing is everything.

Sometimes it is fun to just float with the current.  But it is wise to live life with an intention or focus or a goal.

When I am floating it is wise to have a focus or an equilibrium that I can gauge where I am.

I am supported by many people who love me.  Even if I don't feel the effects of their presences in my life they are like the ocean and are embracing me with their love all the time.  Every once and awhile they will become like a wave and have a physical experience with me.

Life can be feared or loved!  When I live cautiously and safely I am am better able to embrace the experience.  The more prepared I am the more enjoyment I can have and the longer I can stay out in the ocean of life.

I can enjoy the time between experiences.  There is beauty in everything.  Waiting isn't even about being patient it is about revelling in the now.

Giving Thanks

I have wonderful amazing friends and family that roll in and out of my life.  I am so thankful and feel very blessed.  Some of these friends are waves that came here to Tofino with me right now:

Kim M and I have been friends with since Kindergarden and has been a constant in my life.  Since she has known me since we were children, she keeps me grounded, reminding me who I am at my core.  Kim is someone whom never judges and makes me and others always feel appreciated and accepted.

Kim H. and I worked together at our first jobs as lifeguards.  I was a fixture in her home and feel like she is not just a friend but my family.  We have stories together that make me feel young instantly and I act it when we are together.  Kim is one of those amazing individuals whom you can always count on her strength and her constant friendship has never wavered even when I have been a huge pain in the arse.

Richelle and Melody I went to high school with and our relationships have been rekindled in the last few years, they both have an ability to make me feel excepted and loved exactly the way I am, they make me feel at peace through perpetual laughter.  I look forward to many more encounters with them at future 'Cougar Camps' and Richelles wedding this summer.

Sharlene is a friend of Kim M. and it is always fun to see her at our traditional 'Cougar Camp'.  Sharlene travels around the world on her own with ease and her lightness and adventurous spirit always inspire me.  Plus she has the best laugh!

The people in my presence are not the only ones who make me feel the oneness we all share.  So many people get frustrated with social media but I love it.  It gives me a huge sense of connection.  Each person I am connected with is a part of my ocean.  I can't even express how nice it is to be in contact with family that live far away or old and new friends or with the many amazing souls that live across the globe whom I connected with when I walked the Camino.  I guess what I am saying is ..... I feel the love!

This is the beginning of my new and exciting journey of being a gypsy.  I have called it embracing the void, the void being change, but it doesn't seem accurate right now as this void feels so full of love.  I feel so blessed to have these amazing woman in my life that I can laugh with, cry with, walk many many steps with, plus drink and eat GREAT food.

I look forward to my next weekend off and exploring Vancouver Island.  My moms cousin is coming to town in a couple of weeks and this weekend I will be watching Xavier, my grandson, so we will be closer to Victoria.

Heading to the ocean was the best place to begin this new gypsy life style, not that a luxury waterfront accommodation sounds anything like a gypsy. I am realizing the thought of entering this change scared me more than the actual living of the experience.  I think I am going to be pleased with my decision.  Of course there are pros and cons within every situation in life but I think the pros will out weigh the cons being a gypsy for awhile.

What I need to do is write a sign and have it say, "Are you feeling disconnected?  When was the last time you were in the ocean?"

I was surrounded by even more love as on my way back to work in Victoria as I stopped at my nephew Cody and his girlfriend Shania's house and held their precious new baby. Holding a sleeping baby fills my heart with just as much love as floating in the ocean.

Life is good!

Day 33 - Saying Goodbye With Love

June 2nd - Day 33
Do You Know How Much I Love You

When we still lived in Vancouver, Robin and I were walking along Georgia and as we passed Thurlow there is a building with water fountains in front. Robin said, "Do you know how much I love you?" I said "yes I think so". Then he jumped into the pool of water under the fountains and yelled, "Do you know how much I love you?". I quickly responded, "yes, yes, I know how much you love me, now get out of the water!!" He walked home soaking wet all the way to Beatty and Cambie, laughing all the way and me saying I can't believe you did that. He didn't complain once about be soaking wet.  In the many years that followed, we would pass a water fountain and Robin would say, "Do you know how much I love you?" and I would drag him away saying, "yes I know and don't you dare jump in that water fountain".

Being married to Robin I ALWAYS felt loved! It is now that I am realizing even more what a wonderful gift this was because 1) obviously it is so amazing to be loved and 2) even though Robin's body is not in my life I feel his love so strongly. 

I am a VERY fortunate woman!

These are the words I said at his memorial:

Today I want to talk about the way Robin lived so fearlessly, and I am not talking about how he fearlessly drove his Mustang across the states, passing an ambulance and spending a night in jail before ending up in Minneapolis; I am not talking about the dangerous things he would do at work or how he fearlessly took on tasks that made most people weak in the knees.  I am talking about how he loved so fearlessly.

When I first met Robin I knew he was different because there was no wall up, protecting his heart from getting hurt.  He was all in.  Giving away his love fearlessly.  And I am pretty sure you all know what I mean by that because it was the way that he loved fearlessly that brought you here today.  

And I know from the bottom of my heart that Robin would never want anyone to stop loving because you stand here today with your heart broken because of his absence.  Instead, love more, love deeply and have so much fun in the process.

We argued most about him taking care of himself because I was scared of exactly this.  But those days of fear did not make these days easier they just took away from the fun we could have had when he was alive.

When we feel love we are connected and plugged in, we don’t need the words, they fall away and they are replaced with feelings

I am especially talking to his daughter Dominique or grandson Xavier and our nephews and niece and the young men on his crew that he felt like a father to.  He loved making an impression on your lives, he would want you to choose to fully live your lives with an open heart.  

We are in death who we are in life.  Robin made a mark, his death has left a huge mark.    He left us wanting more.

Monte del Gozo to Santiago de Compestela - 4.7 km

We walked into Santiago under a full moon. When the sun came up we couldnʼt see it anymore but the morning image of the full moon over Santiago was firm in my mind. 

I wait for Christian to get up and he starts to rush as he has a full morning routine with his hot breakfast. I said we are in no rush as we are only 5 km away. He said he didnʼt want to keep me waiting. I donʼt mind as the likely hood of ever seeing him again in this life are slim and I would wait all morning. Everyone else slowly leaves as well and we all head to Santiago as the sun rises.

Before long we are in the city and in the square of the Santiago Cathedral. It feels like there should be more build up but there is none, we are just here, we have arrived. We hadve walked 800 km and now we are at the end. It is first thing in the morning so it is quiet and apart from the people we know there arenʼt many other people in the cathedral square. We pose for many pictures. It feels very surreal. Next we go get our compestela and then go into the cathedral.

So many pilgrims have walked through these doors, walked down the steps and knelt down and prayed in front of the remains of St. James. I kneel and pray and thank God for being able to complete my journey. I am so thankful for each person I have met and I am so thankful for all my friends and family who are at home who supported me on my journey. I am so thankful. We walk up the steps behind the alter and kiss the sculpture of St. James, I am now one of the millions of pilgrims that have worn down the marble steps leading out.

After finding an albergue for Hilda and I for the night we head back to the cathedral for mass. We easily find a seat in the front pews, we can get a good view of the ceremony and the mass. Hilda and I wait for an hour and a half. The time goes fast as we watch everyone come and go. I thought the cathedral would be packed to the brim with pilgrims. There is special seating for pilgrims but we are a very small percentage of the population of people present. It isnʼt hard to spot a pilgrim, especially when you look at the foot wear. There are bus loads of tourists and people of all different walks of life who never walked their way into Santiago so we watch them as we wait for the mass to begin. 

This pew in the front is a great place to sit as all our friends pass by and give us hugs. I say, us and we, but that us and we always changes depending on whom I am with. Robinʼs pet peeve in life was when I said “I”. He would always correct me and say “We”. It is so strange to say “I” now that I will find any random person to do something with and I will say “We” did this or that. Sometimes my “we” was a person I never met and only walked with for 10 minutes or sometimes the “we” was the birds I walked with on the way. But mostly the we was Christian, Petra, Patrick and Joseph, David and Linda, Becky, Michelle, Jo, Marco and his wife. These are the people that I considered my Camino family. I loved them and I am going to miss them.

Now as mass starts I begin to cry. I cry because I am going to miss my fellow pilgrims, I cry because I actually did it, I walked 800 km. I cry because right now, in this moment, this is the most amazing experience; the cathedral is filled, the organ is playing, the choir is singing and I am taking communion with these people for the last time. Then the incense swings and I am completely blown away with the emotions that overcome me. I cry the whole time. This is a phenomenal day in my life. There are so many emotions that overwhelm me; endings, new beginnings, triumph, completion, acceptance, understanding but above all and most important love. I feel so much love and I enjoy every second of it.

After mass we all hug each other. My feelings I canʼt even put into words as they are so overwhelming as we hug and say goodbye to the people we walked along side for the last month. But then the worst, Christian was carrying onto Finestair today and I am staying in Santiago and then leaving from here. I was debating going to Finestair but all this saying good bye is torturous for me. I am done, I just want to go and not let the goodbyeʼs linger for another 100 km. 

It was the saddest goodbye, saying goodbye to Christian as he had become my best friend on the Camino. It was always by chance that we met but we met almost everyday for the whole journey. We only planned 2 times of meeting at the same albergue and now I had to say goodbye forever. It was so strange to be so sad for a farewell. But we said good bye and I said thank-you for helping me get back to myself, for making me laugh so much. Actually I never said that out loud, I said it in my head as I couldnʼt say a word when I gave him a hug goodbye, I just cried. We again were on our own journeyʼs just as we had been on before we met and even during the whole pilgrimage. Our paths just crossed a lot within the Camino. He on his and I on mine. The fact that now there was never going to be a chance for our paths to cross again made me so sad but again happy that our paths had crossed as much as they did.

After saying goodbye and crying and writing in my journal. I head to the cathedral and bump into more of my Camino companions. They invite me to join up with a group of Germans for drinks in the evening and that I did. We are having so much fun! Dan borrowed a guitar from a Spanish singer, and we all are singing and drinking and laughing. I am no longer sad, as I am laughing again. When I am laughing there is no room for crying and being sad. By the time I go to bed I am very tired and fall directly to sleep.

Saying goodbye with love

It is with such sweet sorrow I say goodbye.  These people have become such a huge part of who I am and I say good bye with so much love and appreciation.  I realize now that the love I have for Robin will always be there I just will not see him in the physical form again but he is here walking with me every step I take.  When I feel the love and not the loss there is nothing missing.

The chance of seeing any of the people from the Camino is very slim.  With facebook I can see what they are up to but they are a wonderful memory of healing.  Obviously I will never see Robin again.  

What a gift to be able to say good bye to someone with love in my heart.  I feel completely blessed and thankful for each person on my journey in my life so far, especially Robin.  I treasure each and every memory and everything I have learnt through his presence in my life.

I love my life....I love my life.....I love my life!

Day 32 - The Healing Power of Laughter

June 1st - Day 32 

Our Little Cabin in the Woods

Our house was falling down but instead of working on it we built a little cabin in the woods were Robin could shoot his pellet gun.  He would shoot and I would read a book.  We put in a wood stove that we got from our friend Geezer.  There was no electricity so it was lit with candles.  So many wonderful hours were spent in this cabin.  

While Robin was shooting we would drink a bottle of wine or he would have beer and I would have cider and the ideas would start to spill out of our heads.  They usually involved crazy ideas for a videos we could do together or when he was at camp.

We would laugh and laugh as they were so ridiculous.  I always had a piece of paper with scribbles everywhere as we walked up to the house.  

So many wonderful hours of laughter and fun were spent together in this cabin.  I miss laughing with Robin so much, he was so much fun and so was I.

Here is a video I took of Robin and his friend John singing in the cabin.  So many, many hours of solace and fun were had in this little cabin.

Arzua to Monte del Gozo - 34.4 km

Christian and I decided, that we would walk together starting in the morning as it was our last day of walking. We would go to Monte del Gozo which was only 5 km from Santiago so we could get to Santiago first thing in the morning when the line to get our Compestela would be short. The albergue in Monte del Gozo has 500 beds so we are not too worried about not getting a bed. Actually it has been even easier then before the 100 km mark. So many people join in on the pilgrimage at Sarria as it is only 100 km from Santiago. To get a compestela you need to walk at least 100km. Large groups of people suddenly appeared and we thought the albergues would be filled to the brim but there are many, many more albergues to accommodate the additional pilgrims.

We had to stop and wait today as a very large group of young teens passed us as they were so loud we couldnʼt even hear ourselves talk. Christian says in his German accent, “Quiet....quiet please on the Camino so we can hear the birds.” It made me laugh. I donʼt think they understood him. But I laughed a lot. I think I laugh so much as I am always overtired so all the ridiculous things he says I find so funny as they are like what young school children laugh at. But the laughing has healed my heart. I thought after Robin died I needed so many things to make me happy but now after I have laughed so much I realize that is what I needed. Robin and I always laughed and laughed a lot. Laughter was what I was missing most of all.

I had no technology on this pilgrimage and I am glad I made that choice but now walking with Christian I saw the benefits of having his phone for his music.  Christian played his music to me and sang and I told him my favourite songs and we sang some more.  Music has an amazing ability to heal the soul.  I love listening to people sing.  When Christian was young, him and his friends had a boy band so I enjoyed being his audience as we walked.  Songs hold so many memories and as we reminisced about our favourite songs and the memories they evoked.

The second stop of the day was the coolest cafe of the whole trip. It was a large cafe and as you approached you could hear the music. They were playing Queen “We Are The Champions”. It felt so empowering. Talk about fun memories flooding back with this best of the Queen soundtrack intensifying our mood of exhilaration.  Inside there were t-shirts hung from the ceilings from all over the world. So many pilgrims had been here and enjoyed the ambiance. Joseph caught up with us here and we all sang, ate and had fun. We took a group photo and I began to cry. I knew we were coming to the end. It feels so sad.

We took today slow. Even through it was 34 km we enjoyed our time together with our Camino family. We even met a new woman from Ireland named Laura, she came in at 100 km so we no longer made fun of these late starting pilgrims. Everyone is on their own journey and who are we to judge. Now that we have no problem getting a bed at night there is no fear that they will effect our Camino experience. We made 5 stops today, sitting and talking with everyone and relaxing and taking it slow, relishing in every step. We made it to the albergue at 17:00. 

The people that got in earlier went directly to Santiago so us late comers are the beginning of the people staying for the night.

Everyone was enjoying each others company. I was so tired and so emotional already I was worried what I was going to be like tomorrow. After dinner Christian and I went up to a sculpture on a hill of two large pilgrims that point their way to Santiago. Mix the Slovakian woman told us of this place. It was worth staying here for the night because this sculpture is not on the path of our pilgrimage. After posing for some pictures we headed back to the albergue. I feel like I am back in a fog as I knew the end is near. 

The healing power of laughter

Remembering laughing with Robin and laughing with Christian makes me happy.  Missing them is much lighter when I laugh about things.  I miss Robin and wish he was here with me but when I am laughing I remember what it feels like to be with Robin.  Life was always light when he made me laugh. I am given people and situations that make me feel good, feel the love through the laughter.  Then adding some music to the mix it heightens any experience.  With Robin there was always music.  Music  and laughter fill those holes that I thought could never be filled.  There are songs that come on the radio or play on my ipod and I feel like Robin is right here with me.  

That is the only reason I wish I would have had my phone now so that I could have listened to music with the back drop of Spain.  Now that the pain is gone I feel the power and energy of love and all the things that I love; such as music and laughter and people and new experiences.  Ahhhh this is living.  What a wonderful gift Robin gave me, gave all of us, to really feel and appreciate what it is to live.  We aren't in these bodies for very long. The time will come and will go.  The people that go before us are the teachers and we are the learners.  We are learning to live, to feel and to experience emotions.  I know I will be in spirit form one day and I will not have a body to experience these emotions and I will thank Robin, I will thank Zoel, I will thank my grandparents and my pets.  I will thank them for showing me what love is and what it feels like.  

I love to tell my stories as they make me laugh, they make me laugh a lot and still so many I haven't told.  Every day I think up a story of something Robin did.  I haven't told the stories of when he was not with me as I didn't want to take the privilege and the honour away from the other people in Robin's life that will be telling stories of him until they die.  He will live on in the stories, he will live on in the laughter.  Life is good.

Day 14 - Grieving the Loss of My Future

May 14th - Day 14

Chasing Dinosaurs

I planned on taking Robin on a steam train ride for his 32nd birthday but we slept in on the intended day and the birthday plans were squashed.  So I got my thinking cap on and after a few phone calls we were on our way to catch a plane to Drumheller.  One of Robin's loves since he was a child has been dinosaurs and we enjoyed our time at this amazing Canadian museum.  

Going to Drumheller reminded me of going to the Royal British Columbia Museum, where he had me take notes on the mammoth, this was the day after we made our marriage vows.  I also took notes when we went to National History Museum in New York, now that was a dinosaur hall!  I would follow Robin around these museums and take notes as he visually devoured the dinosaur skeletal sculptures.  They would fuel the next metal sculpture being birthed in his mind.

When we first met, Robin was building an atomically correct, life-sized sculpture of a Dimetrodon.  It was our baby, it went everywhere with us.  It was the main sculpture in our Vancouver warehouse studio and was shown at the Dinosaur world tour when it went through Vancouver.  When we moved to Salt Spring, he relocated with us and greeted our visitors outside the front entrance.  Donny, as he was named, went with us every week when we went to sell Robin’s metal work at the Salt Spring Island Market.  Robin was known as the guy with the big dinosaur.  

When the market ended for the season, Robin decided to relocate Donny down on the property to enjoy on our morning walks.  I was delighted, I hated lugging this huge dinosaur back and forth to the market as he is really heavy.  I struggled to help Robin carry Donny down the hill of our property to his new home.  I loved greeting him on my walk every morning.  When the market started on Easter long weekend, I almost fell over when Robin said we better go get him so we can bring him to market tomorrow.  I complained the whole time but I trudged behind, aiding Robin in his quest.  Robin told everyone that came to our table the next day of my misfortune. 

Donny at the Market with us

An invitation to an show at our studio apartment

Burgos to Hormillos - 21.0 km

The volunteers at the albergue donʼt open the doors until 6:30, it is a stampede of pilgrims by the time we are let out of the albergue, the sun is already up and I am stuck in the day light. Where are my stars that I miss so much?  I feel so sad walking out of the gates leaving Burgos.  I say a prayer and wish my friends well on their own journey’s.

The walk is surprisingly enjoyable today. The sun is out accenting the beautiful scenery with a cool breeze and gradual slopes up and down.  A lady named Stacy passes me and we start to talk. She is an author of a devotional book that she is leaving at different albergues. After I talk with her, she walks ahead and I think to myself, this isnʼt so bad, much the same as always, I was worried for nothing. I have only known these people for a week of my life, I am sure I can easily get passed their absence.

I ended up in a little village where not even one person looks familiar. Now is when I start to feel the contrast of my friends presence compared to the fun and comradeship of the previous evening. I only knew them for a week but they knew all about me and why I was here. We had a connection and we felt like we understood each other, even through the language barrier, now they were gone and I am feeling the loss. I do my routine and then go to siesta feeling very strange. I feel neither happy or sad, I feel nothingness, I feel lonely.  I wonder if this is what depression feels like? nothingness, a void?  I miss all my friends and I even miss the people whom I donʼt even know their names. I feel like I should have walked further now as it was such an easy day, at least I could be with the Brazilians.

After siesta I need to get up to eat but I want to stay in bed until tomorrow morning and not speak to a single soul. But I get up to purchase supplies from the convenience store across the street and make myself a sandwich with a baguette, cheese and salami. It is starting to get very cold and windy, my clothes dry quickly but I have to put all my clothes on to keep warm.

There is a mother/daughter duo walking together Emilia and Maria. They both left on May 1st so there is an instant bond with anyone I meet who also left on that dreadful day. Even people who didnʼt leave on May 1st, when you tell them you left on May 1st, they are, “oh wow, I heard that was a horrible day, and a horrible storm”. So there is an instant understanding of what we had to go through. Funny most of the people I met on that day also had to stay in the portables past the parking lot and over the creek.   

Well off to bed I go, at least I will get a good nights sleep.   A very blah day indeed. 

Grieving the loss of my future

I followed Robin around for so many years and now I am on my own path and it is so boring.  I no longer have his homework to do and everyone I meet is on their own journey, separate from me and I am on my own ... but what is this journey.  I have no idea.  Robin had so much passion for the things he did; he loved trains and guns and knives and dinosaurs and metal.  He was so passionate and I followed him around with a clipboard as he gave me homework for another one of his ideas.  

My future was Robin’s future and now there is no future.  With every step, I walk into my new future but it feels like it is a void of nothingness.  I am alone, Robin is left behind and I am starting all over.  The only problem is I have no idea where I want to go.  I am good, really good at enjoying the moment and right now I can’t even do that.  How can I look forward to a future when I can’t even enjoy this moment? 

I realize I have stopped grieving the loss of Robin I am now grieving the loss of my own life.  I am future less.  I am on my own and I feel like I have no direction at all.  When I meet other widows, there is an instant bond, an immediate understanding of the journey we all didn’t choose.  We all have invisible futures or futures we were trying to create, each one never wishing this journey on anyone else.  

This feeling of nothingness is so insular and lonely.  I am lonely but I don't want to let anyone in, this feeling is so strange, so not like me.  I feel like a stranger to myself.  There must be a me in here somewhere, hiding.  I worry there was never a me, I just put on a costume of Robin's wife and people thought I had a personality.  Actually I have been in a relationship since I was 15 years old.  Maybe I am nothing without a partner.  I have so many fears but they do not move me to act, I sit in this place, wondering if I will ever find a way out.

Day 13 - Fun With Friends

May 13th - Day 13

Organic Festival

I made Robin come to the Organic Festival with me on Vancouver Island to listen to a singer I enjoyed and to celebrate healthy living, something Robin did not do.  He wanted to get off the island, so with some coaxing he came along.  I warned him that he couldn’t smoke there and there was only healthy food and healthy people.  Well as his usual routine he had a cigarette at the entrance.  I was so frustrated I left him behind.

When Robin found me inside sampling some organic popcorn he had on a big grin, I asked him what he was up to.  He said while he was having a cigarette this beautiful woman came up and asked him for a cigarette.  I shook my head and continued to look at the other stalls and sampling their product, Robin didn’t  mind sampling the organic cider and wine.  Then all of a sudden this gorgeous over 6 feet tall, beautiful woman with a perfect figure with cloths that accented her every curve, ran up to Robin and gave him a big hug.  Even Robin was taken aback from her enthusiasm, he said she may have been sampling some organic herbs.  We went and watched Jeremy Fisher and Robin requested my favourite song to be played, named “Cigarette”, kind of ironic eh?.  From then on Robin asked when the next Organic Festival was so that we could attend.

San Juan de Ortega to Burgos - 25.6 km 

I woke up at 5:00 and set out,  there is a group of friendly pilgrims that are heading out at the same time. They all have their flashlights out, lighting their way. This is when I am happy to be a slow walker as they quickly walk ahead and I have the peace and tranquillity of my morning back. I rarely use my flashlight relying on the moon to highlight the path and my walking sticks for stability over unwitnessed obstructions.  The only time I get my flashlight out is at the intersections to find the signs that direct my way.

My walk today is broken up by little villages and there is a haze in the air that keeps the sun at bay. Then the never ending walk into the city begins. I can see the city right there in front of me and it feels like we are walking forever and ever. I stop and ask some Spaniards if I am going in the right direction. They tell me, in what seems like 10 minutes of a language that I donʼt understand, ci, I am going the right way and pointing me forward in the direction I am going. When I make it to the albergue many pilgrims are complaining about the long walk into the city, so it isnʼt only me that felt like it went on forever.

This albergue is a very modern facility with elevators to the different floors; it feels like a 5 star hotel. I am in a bunk bed next to Marianne and Jose the Spanish brother and sister team, then the German speaking pilgrims arrive.  I recognize the Brazilians whom I had stayed with in Pamplona, I pass them and they pass me regularly throughout the day and I say hola, hola, hola, hola, hola to each of them, each time they pass me, it is our ritual. We donʼt speak the same language but we have our daily fun.  I made plans to meet up with Christian and Petra at 6:00pm, so I will have my siesta and then set off to meet them.

I wake up from my siesta and donʼt feel like getting up at all. My feet are saying “stay in bed, stay in bed”, I donʼt listen to them and get up to go meet my companions. I leave a little early so I can explore Burgos on my own and find a pharmacy to buy some zinc for the heat rash between my legs. I get an ice cream and sit in the square watching the children play soccer, it seems the same in every square, in every city, the children play with a soccer ball (or should I say football as they call it here). There are always strollers passing with grandparents and parents in tow to show of the little princes and princess to all their friends. 

I am supposed to meet Christian and Petra at 6:00 and it is 5:30 so I go for a little stroll before I meet them and run into them right away. It is funny this Camino, the people you are supposed to meet and learn from are always there, it totally fascinates me. We go for a drink and meet up with Marianna, Josh, and Joel, a Swedish man living in France. We make a unanimous decisions to have drinks first, then go to mass and after go for tapas and sample the blood pudding that Burgos is known for. 

The Sangria definitely enhanced my mass experience as I am a little tipsy, so for future reference I will eat something with my sangria.  All us pilgrims congregate after the mass and talk,  the Brazilians inform me that they will be walking 30 km tomorrow as they have a time schedule they need to stick to. Being that my only interaction with them is hola, hola, hola, hola, hola.  I am not going to walk more to keep up with them, so we say our good byes. With hungry stomachs we head for tapas. It is my last night with Marianna and Jose as they are leaving to go back to work, and Christian and Petra are staying behind to explore Burgos.

Maybe it was the alcohol helping or maybe I was not wallowing in self pity but I am having a really fun time. We laugh .... a lot, eat good food and leave with hugs and hopes we will all meet again in the future. 

Sangrai with Jose, Petra, Marianna, & Joel before mass.

Outside the Cathedral in Burgos with Petra and Christian

  

Having fun with friends

I am so fortunate to have friends that I have known since I was young.  I have always felt blessed for these friendships but it was during this time that I realized how important these old friends truly were to my recovery.  Going anywhere with Robin was always an adventure and everyone who spent time with him always came out with a story.  In comparison to Robin I am so dull.  I was worried after Robin died that my life would be full of boredom, actually I thought I was boring.  I needed to be reminded of who I was before I was with Robin.

My daughter, my nephews, the friends I have on Salt Spring, and Robin’s friends;  only knew me as a partner to Robin, never separate from this union.  It was my friends that knew me before Robin that reminded me of who I was before I met him and that my life had not ended, it is just changing.  I was a person before Robin and I am a person now, after Robin.  They gave me hope.

I can't stress enough how important these relationships are to me.  Before I was a wife I was also a friend, a cousin, a niece, a daughter, and a grand daughter, I was not just a wife.  I gravitated to these people leaving my current friends behind for awhile.  Fortunately my current relationships were strong enough to withstand this period in my life because they were emotionally aware enough to understand my situation.  I have good friends, old and new!  This has been the biggest piece of solace of my process of embracing my new life of being alone. As much as I am alone, I am not alone.  

Now I am on the Camino I am meeting new friends that are meeting me separate from Robin, I am on my own again.  Friendships are wonderful surprises that come at just the perfect time.  Just as Robin meeting the beautiful woman at the Organic festival enhanced his enjoyment of something he would not enjoy at all, these people I am meeting on the Camino are bringing me so much fun and healing on my journey.  

Day 5 - Seeing How Far I Have Come

May 5th - Day 5

Food was a huge part of Robin's life.  He was hypoglycemic so needed to eat regularly.  When Robin took me to go see his mom and step dad in Australia the flight was 18 hours long.  Robin already knew he wasn't going to be able to smoke so eating often was critical to help him have a stable mood for the flight.  When we went to the travel agent we told her that Robin was hypoglycemic and to tag him on the passenger list. 

When we boarded the plane Robin was already feeling the need for a cigarette but then the flight attendant brought him a meal before anyone else.  Of course this pleased Robin but then he noticed they noted that he was diabetic not hypoglycemic.  There was no sugar in the meals and they were quite bland.  

After he finished his meal he called over the flight attendant and told them about the misunderstanding.  He said what he needed was to eat a lot.  Well the Quantis staff definitely heard him, they brought him meal after meal after meal. It was phenomenal food.  Then a different flight attendant came over and said 14C, they said I was suppose to come over and see for myself.  Robin had a stack of finished meal trays piled on top of each other.  He was eating beyond anything they had ever seen, they were dumb founded.  

They handed out stickers to the passengers that said "wake me for meals".  Robin made sure his was displayed and his meal enjoyment was repeated again and again.  When we walked off the plane he asked the staff where the closest restaurant was, they gave him directions in amazement.  This he did just for a reaction as he was stuffed.  He wore his sticker "wake me for meals" on his hard hat with pride to work.

There are so many stories of Robin and food I could write a whole book just on this subject alone.  He was definitely someone who lived to eat!

Pamplona to Puento La Reina - 24.1 km 

The Brazilians warned me about their friend and that he snored, even he warned me. I made sure to put in ear plugs but it didnʼt help. I was awake what felt like all night. I sure wish I had brought a watch then at least when I woke up I wouldnʼt be laying there waiting for the first person to start packing up. Also I wish I would have brought my phone. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. There are only a few people that I have crossed paths with that have no phone, at night all you can see is the haze of phones on peoples faces as they connect with their loved ones at home.

So I get up around 5:00 and pack up and start walking. The city is dark and lit by the street lights, this morning it is brisk, with the temperature hovering around zero. As the sun comes up I start to see the storm clouds come in. I prepare my pack by covering it with the waterproof shell. There are a few sprinkles but nothing to get wet but it makes for refreshing walking weather. As I pass by the wheat fields the wind is beginning to move the crop like an ocean waves. I stop every once and awhile to feel the wind on my face and watch the dance between the wind and the wheat. I feel very fortunate and blessed for giving myself this time.

There is another steep climb today, with the storm clouds coming in I am worried that it is going to be the same as the first day. But as I begin to climb the storm clouds begin to scatter and am only left with a refreshing wind. Summiting the climb amongst the wind turbines there is an amazing view and I am blown away with how far I have travelled. I can see the Pyrenees far in the distance. It is so rewarding seeing how far I have come taking one step at a time, I am satisfied but tired.

The descent is much harder than the ascent, it was rocky and rough and very easy to sprain an ankle. I am over cautious and slow. Also on the other side of the slope the climate has completely changed. It is like I started the day in Spring and ended it in Summer. The foliage and everything is different, now there was Aloe plants and olive groves and the odd lizard scurries across the path.

I get the albergue which was an old convent in good timing so go through my pack to see what I really need and don't need. All the accommodations have pillows and it has been reasonably warm so I leave behind this down vest and a touque. The Canadian family I walked up the Pyrenees is here, it is nice to chat to people from home especially as they are from the Vancouver area.

I walked around town and then went for dinner. I sat alone and watched the people go by. There wasnʼt much room so a young German man named Joseph asked to join me. This is the first person that I have sat and had a conversation with. Everyone else was idle chatter as we passed. It was interesting to hear about his life.  We waited what felt like eternity to even order our meal. There is only one waitress for the whole restaurant. I really donʼt have any clue what I am ordering so it is a surprise when I eventually get it, but  everyone is surprised as she has all the orders wrong. We were like donʼt worry, it doesnʼt matter, just give me some food. There were 3 tables outside and we all laughed about the service. There were Dutch, New Zealand, German and myself Canadian. I left the dinner ready for bed but feeling more comfortable talking to people. As I made my way to the convent I was stopped by Victoria the Spanish woman who bunked beside me for the last two nights. She was stopping walking and going back to work but she gave me her e-mail and phone number in Spain if I needed help with anything. I canʼt believe how nice this felt to be taken care of. I had done no reaching out and yet people were reaching out to me. Victoria and Joseph were my angels today.

Feeling the different types of grieving

Five months after my husband died my first boyfriend whom I dated from the time I was 15 - 20 years old died. I was so scared going to his funeral and seeing his family that I was going to be back at square one emotionally. I was worried I was going to feel the same devastation and turbulence in my life again.

I went there early to spend time with the family and I could instantly feel the difference. Zoel and I talked about once a year to catch up and see how each others lives were doing and of course there is always Facebook to see what is going on. My life did not change with Zoelʼs absence. It is his families lives that were now changing. He was a part of my life but not my everyday life. My life stayed the same. I was able to go to the memorial with great appreciation for his part in my life. But now it was his family that was hit hard. I witnessed through their pain how far I had come on my journey of grief seeing their pain now so raw and recent.

 At home I had to get back to work, I now had to start to support myself all on my own. My new future was completely different then my past with Robin. I could now pull myself together enough to finish a full day of work without falling apart. I had the best jobs for where I was in this grieving process. I work with older people and people with disabilities. Both groups of people live fully in the moment.

When Robin died I didnʼt want people around. I felt like staying in my little house and never leaving. I had to go to work but then I would just come home and cry. I had so many people reaching out to help me and wanting nothing in return. I felt so comforted. It was hard to be around people but there efforts never went unnoticed.  I couldn’t eat at all.  I lost so much weight.  Food used to be such a huge part of my live with Robin and now I wasn’t eating.  I had to force myself to eat vegetables and fruit as I knew they were important.  But as the time moved forward a bit I started to get my appetite back again.  I was able to talk to people about how I felt.  I was able to sit down and talk and eat and start to differentiate between the different ways I was feeling, all the feelings weren’t all clumped into one dreadful feeling anymore.  Life was moving forward without Robin.

Chapter 4 - I want to Run but I Need to Stay

May 4th - Day 4

Robin used to sing me the song, "don't drink, don't smoke, what do ya do?".  Robin smoked very passionately, he lived for his cider, and in the last while his light beer.  Every other word that came out of his mouth was a swear word; and he drank coffee like it was water. I already told you about the sludge Robin drank about 5-6 times a day (equal parts of instant coffee, sugar and water).  He had all the bad habits so I didn't have to.  He also ate butter and greasy food as his staple.  I had to learn early on in our relationship that this was just Robin, and there was no way I was going to change him.  I am not a drinker, a smoker and I don't drink coffee, so I could never understand the urgency or desperation.

Robin and I planned to go up the Grouse Grind, an intense hike up Grouse Mountain with our friends Kim and Colin.  I was bragging that he would die going up the mountain as he doesn’t take care of himself, and I would zoom past him due to my healthy lifestyle.  Robin had a cigarette at the base of the hike, frustrated, I suggested the other hikers tell him how bad it is to smoke in this healthy environment.  He went ahead with Colin and Kim and I walked together.  Then half way up he stopped and had another cigarette.  As I approached him I gasped and between breaths I said, “Robin, please, don’t, smoke, I, have, no, energy, to, complain.  He sauntered up the Grind like it was nothing and then at the top he had another cigarette, while I collapsed on the ground.

Zubiri to Pamplona - 21.2 km

I get up when the first person rises and I think it is about 5:00 am. I head to the washrooms which are co-ed. It feels so strange to be brushing my teeth with this man standing beside me. I say “Hola”, he says “Hola”, I have no idea where he is from and luckily he isnʼt into conversation in the morning. Every time I walk into the bathroom I feel like I have gone into the wrong one, it will take me awhile to get used to this co-ed washroom thingy.

The sun is just starting to come up as I head out on my own. The terrain is up and down and up and down but mainly down. I worry about Laura coming behind me as I know the downward slopes will be hard on her knees. I spend a lot of time thinking about how she is going to do this journey. I wish I was there to support her and help her through the slopes. There are so many people and they are doing it. I am sure she will be fine as well. I should not worry.

G a Korean actor limps past me and said that he hurt his knee. I give him some vitamin C powder and let him know this speeds the healing properties of his body. We part ways and I feel better. I know there will be other people on the journey to help Laura over her hurdles just as I was here to help G, ever so slightly.

I still have no camera to take pictures of my ventures, I think I could use it as my memory. Many people pass and I ask them where they are from and they remind me that we have met before. I feel so embarrassed. Everyone looks the same. I am still in a fog and not wanting to meet anyone. The people all seem so nice, but whenever I talk to them I feel so sad.  Their presence triggers me and they have not done a thing to hurt me, they have only been nice.  Why am I doing this, who walks 800 km's?  This is a crazy venture.  I wish I could be in Santiago without having to walk, I could get on a bus and not have to do any of the work.  I could...but I really don't want to, I want to do the work.

I have no idea how far I will make it today. Everyone kind of follows the guide book and they all get to the same places. I have the guide book but I am not so much into going more then 20 km a day but there are larger albergues in the destinations laid out in the book. It is so strange as I donʼt even know these people but I have a pull to keep up with them. Even though I donʼt want to talk to them it is still nice to see familiar faces.  

I start the day with no idea of how far I will get but I make it as far as Pamplona. It seems like an interesting city, it is where they do the running of the bulls.  I am happy I made it all the way here. In the guide book people go further but when I get my bed in the albergue I see so many familiar faces. The same Spanish couple that was beside me last night is 2 bunk beds down. There is an Italian man that came in late last night here and the Brazilian that was at the albergue yesterday before it opened is here again and I am in the same section as 3 of his friends. There is 100 beds in this section and they are divided with little walls of 2 bunk-beds in each little l-cove. Feels strange to be bunking with 3 other men but they are all very nice. Even though we canʼt speak the same language, we get along well.

It is surprising to run into the same people but I guess we are all on the same journey together so I shouldnʼt be so shocked. It is nice to see the familiar faces, even though I donʼt have to go as far as the guide book says I think I am going to do the distance recommended as it is really nice to see the see the same pilgrims. My feet wonʼt like it but it makes me feel more secure so that makes it worth the added discomfort of my feet.

After siesta I found a store where I could purchase a camera to help me remember this journey I was undertaking.  With camera in hand I people watched in the city square while I had dinner alone then I explored the streets and went to the museum.  Returning to the Albergue I felt like I was going home.  This lifestyle is beginning to feel comfortable.

I Want to Run but I Need to Stay

When Robin died, it was so hard going to town and seeing everyone that looked familiar. I felt like moving away and never coming back but this familiarity also was comforting. It was like a big comfy quilt of emotional pain. It tore me in two different directions. It was so painful but at the same time so comfortable. I didnʼt have to put on a happy face, people knew I was struggling and why I was so sad. They also felt my pain as they missed Robin too. He brought so much happiness to peoples lives just with the little interactions he had with them in town. They knew what a huge hole that was in my life and they were empathetic.

But sometimes it was hard as I would be having a good day and all cheery driving to town and then I would go grocery shopping and someone would say how sorry they were for me and I would be reminded that my life sucked. So it was a continual roller coaster ride. Up and down and up and down but mainly down. 

I worried about my daughter and nephews and how they were handling this huge loss in their lives. I wanted to help them heal but I couldnʼt from my own place of pain. I just had to have faith and know that there will be people in their lives who will help them on their own journey. We all have a challenging path ahead of us. I have to have faith that my daughter and nephews who loved Robin so much will get through this journey without my help. I sure hope they will and every time I enter a church I light a candle and say a little prayer for them.

I wanted this emotional pain over and I wanted it over instantly.  I felt desperate.  I had no desire to wait and move through the process of grieving.  This feeling shocked me, if this is what desperation feels like then why would Robin inflict this on himself every day.  To create a world where he needed something instantly to make himself feel better.  Desperation is a horrible feeling, my mantra changed to,  “I want be be rid of this pain NOW!”  Sometimes I wish I had negative coping mechanisms.  I wish I drank or smoked or did things to cover up these feeling.  I wish there was a magic pill to move through grief without the work!