Day 14 - Grieving the Loss of My Future

May 14th - Day 14

Chasing Dinosaurs

I planned on taking Robin on a steam train ride for his 32nd birthday but we slept in on the intended day and the birthday plans were squashed.  So I got my thinking cap on and after a few phone calls we were on our way to catch a plane to Drumheller.  One of Robin's loves since he was a child has been dinosaurs and we enjoyed our time at this amazing Canadian museum.  

Going to Drumheller reminded me of going to the Royal British Columbia Museum, where he had me take notes on the mammoth, this was the day after we made our marriage vows.  I also took notes when we went to National History Museum in New York, now that was a dinosaur hall!  I would follow Robin around these museums and take notes as he visually devoured the dinosaur skeletal sculptures.  They would fuel the next metal sculpture being birthed in his mind.

When we first met, Robin was building an atomically correct, life-sized sculpture of a Dimetrodon.  It was our baby, it went everywhere with us.  It was the main sculpture in our Vancouver warehouse studio and was shown at the Dinosaur world tour when it went through Vancouver.  When we moved to Salt Spring, he relocated with us and greeted our visitors outside the front entrance.  Donny, as he was named, went with us every week when we went to sell Robin’s metal work at the Salt Spring Island Market.  Robin was known as the guy with the big dinosaur.  

When the market ended for the season, Robin decided to relocate Donny down on the property to enjoy on our morning walks.  I was delighted, I hated lugging this huge dinosaur back and forth to the market as he is really heavy.  I struggled to help Robin carry Donny down the hill of our property to his new home.  I loved greeting him on my walk every morning.  When the market started on Easter long weekend, I almost fell over when Robin said we better go get him so we can bring him to market tomorrow.  I complained the whole time but I trudged behind, aiding Robin in his quest.  Robin told everyone that came to our table the next day of my misfortune. 

Donny at the Market with us

An invitation to an show at our studio apartment

Burgos to Hormillos - 21.0 km

The volunteers at the albergue donʼt open the doors until 6:30, it is a stampede of pilgrims by the time we are let out of the albergue, the sun is already up and I am stuck in the day light. Where are my stars that I miss so much?  I feel so sad walking out of the gates leaving Burgos.  I say a prayer and wish my friends well on their own journey’s.

The walk is surprisingly enjoyable today. The sun is out accenting the beautiful scenery with a cool breeze and gradual slopes up and down.  A lady named Stacy passes me and we start to talk. She is an author of a devotional book that she is leaving at different albergues. After I talk with her, she walks ahead and I think to myself, this isnʼt so bad, much the same as always, I was worried for nothing. I have only known these people for a week of my life, I am sure I can easily get passed their absence.

I ended up in a little village where not even one person looks familiar. Now is when I start to feel the contrast of my friends presence compared to the fun and comradeship of the previous evening. I only knew them for a week but they knew all about me and why I was here. We had a connection and we felt like we understood each other, even through the language barrier, now they were gone and I am feeling the loss. I do my routine and then go to siesta feeling very strange. I feel neither happy or sad, I feel nothingness, I feel lonely.  I wonder if this is what depression feels like? nothingness, a void?  I miss all my friends and I even miss the people whom I donʼt even know their names. I feel like I should have walked further now as it was such an easy day, at least I could be with the Brazilians.

After siesta I need to get up to eat but I want to stay in bed until tomorrow morning and not speak to a single soul. But I get up to purchase supplies from the convenience store across the street and make myself a sandwich with a baguette, cheese and salami. It is starting to get very cold and windy, my clothes dry quickly but I have to put all my clothes on to keep warm.

There is a mother/daughter duo walking together Emilia and Maria. They both left on May 1st so there is an instant bond with anyone I meet who also left on that dreadful day. Even people who didnʼt leave on May 1st, when you tell them you left on May 1st, they are, “oh wow, I heard that was a horrible day, and a horrible storm”. So there is an instant understanding of what we had to go through. Funny most of the people I met on that day also had to stay in the portables past the parking lot and over the creek.   

Well off to bed I go, at least I will get a good nights sleep.   A very blah day indeed. 

Grieving the loss of my future

I followed Robin around for so many years and now I am on my own path and it is so boring.  I no longer have his homework to do and everyone I meet is on their own journey, separate from me and I am on my own ... but what is this journey.  I have no idea.  Robin had so much passion for the things he did; he loved trains and guns and knives and dinosaurs and metal.  He was so passionate and I followed him around with a clipboard as he gave me homework for another one of his ideas.  

My future was Robin’s future and now there is no future.  With every step, I walk into my new future but it feels like it is a void of nothingness.  I am alone, Robin is left behind and I am starting all over.  The only problem is I have no idea where I want to go.  I am good, really good at enjoying the moment and right now I can’t even do that.  How can I look forward to a future when I can’t even enjoy this moment? 

I realize I have stopped grieving the loss of Robin I am now grieving the loss of my own life.  I am future less.  I am on my own and I feel like I have no direction at all.  When I meet other widows, there is an instant bond, an immediate understanding of the journey we all didn’t choose.  We all have invisible futures or futures we were trying to create, each one never wishing this journey on anyone else.  

This feeling of nothingness is so insular and lonely.  I am lonely but I don't want to let anyone in, this feeling is so strange, so not like me.  I feel like a stranger to myself.  There must be a me in here somewhere, hiding.  I worry there was never a me, I just put on a costume of Robin's wife and people thought I had a personality.  Actually I have been in a relationship since I was 15 years old.  Maybe I am nothing without a partner.  I have so many fears but they do not move me to act, I sit in this place, wondering if I will ever find a way out.

Day 13 - Fun With Friends

May 13th - Day 13

Organic Festival

I made Robin come to the Organic Festival with me on Vancouver Island to listen to a singer I enjoyed and to celebrate healthy living, something Robin did not do.  He wanted to get off the island, so with some coaxing he came along.  I warned him that he couldn’t smoke there and there was only healthy food and healthy people.  Well as his usual routine he had a cigarette at the entrance.  I was so frustrated I left him behind.

When Robin found me inside sampling some organic popcorn he had on a big grin, I asked him what he was up to.  He said while he was having a cigarette this beautiful woman came up and asked him for a cigarette.  I shook my head and continued to look at the other stalls and sampling their product, Robin didn’t  mind sampling the organic cider and wine.  Then all of a sudden this gorgeous over 6 feet tall, beautiful woman with a perfect figure with cloths that accented her every curve, ran up to Robin and gave him a big hug.  Even Robin was taken aback from her enthusiasm, he said she may have been sampling some organic herbs.  We went and watched Jeremy Fisher and Robin requested my favourite song to be played, named “Cigarette”, kind of ironic eh?.  From then on Robin asked when the next Organic Festival was so that we could attend.

San Juan de Ortega to Burgos - 25.6 km 

I woke up at 5:00 and set out,  there is a group of friendly pilgrims that are heading out at the same time. They all have their flashlights out, lighting their way. This is when I am happy to be a slow walker as they quickly walk ahead and I have the peace and tranquillity of my morning back. I rarely use my flashlight relying on the moon to highlight the path and my walking sticks for stability over unwitnessed obstructions.  The only time I get my flashlight out is at the intersections to find the signs that direct my way.

My walk today is broken up by little villages and there is a haze in the air that keeps the sun at bay. Then the never ending walk into the city begins. I can see the city right there in front of me and it feels like we are walking forever and ever. I stop and ask some Spaniards if I am going in the right direction. They tell me, in what seems like 10 minutes of a language that I donʼt understand, ci, I am going the right way and pointing me forward in the direction I am going. When I make it to the albergue many pilgrims are complaining about the long walk into the city, so it isnʼt only me that felt like it went on forever.

This albergue is a very modern facility with elevators to the different floors; it feels like a 5 star hotel. I am in a bunk bed next to Marianne and Jose the Spanish brother and sister team, then the German speaking pilgrims arrive.  I recognize the Brazilians whom I had stayed with in Pamplona, I pass them and they pass me regularly throughout the day and I say hola, hola, hola, hola, hola to each of them, each time they pass me, it is our ritual. We donʼt speak the same language but we have our daily fun.  I made plans to meet up with Christian and Petra at 6:00pm, so I will have my siesta and then set off to meet them.

I wake up from my siesta and donʼt feel like getting up at all. My feet are saying “stay in bed, stay in bed”, I donʼt listen to them and get up to go meet my companions. I leave a little early so I can explore Burgos on my own and find a pharmacy to buy some zinc for the heat rash between my legs. I get an ice cream and sit in the square watching the children play soccer, it seems the same in every square, in every city, the children play with a soccer ball (or should I say football as they call it here). There are always strollers passing with grandparents and parents in tow to show of the little princes and princess to all their friends. 

I am supposed to meet Christian and Petra at 6:00 and it is 5:30 so I go for a little stroll before I meet them and run into them right away. It is funny this Camino, the people you are supposed to meet and learn from are always there, it totally fascinates me. We go for a drink and meet up with Marianna, Josh, and Joel, a Swedish man living in France. We make a unanimous decisions to have drinks first, then go to mass and after go for tapas and sample the blood pudding that Burgos is known for. 

The Sangria definitely enhanced my mass experience as I am a little tipsy, so for future reference I will eat something with my sangria.  All us pilgrims congregate after the mass and talk,  the Brazilians inform me that they will be walking 30 km tomorrow as they have a time schedule they need to stick to. Being that my only interaction with them is hola, hola, hola, hola, hola.  I am not going to walk more to keep up with them, so we say our good byes. With hungry stomachs we head for tapas. It is my last night with Marianna and Jose as they are leaving to go back to work, and Christian and Petra are staying behind to explore Burgos.

Maybe it was the alcohol helping or maybe I was not wallowing in self pity but I am having a really fun time. We laugh .... a lot, eat good food and leave with hugs and hopes we will all meet again in the future. 

Sangrai with Jose, Petra, Marianna, & Joel before mass.

Outside the Cathedral in Burgos with Petra and Christian

  

Having fun with friends

I am so fortunate to have friends that I have known since I was young.  I have always felt blessed for these friendships but it was during this time that I realized how important these old friends truly were to my recovery.  Going anywhere with Robin was always an adventure and everyone who spent time with him always came out with a story.  In comparison to Robin I am so dull.  I was worried after Robin died that my life would be full of boredom, actually I thought I was boring.  I needed to be reminded of who I was before I was with Robin.

My daughter, my nephews, the friends I have on Salt Spring, and Robin’s friends;  only knew me as a partner to Robin, never separate from this union.  It was my friends that knew me before Robin that reminded me of who I was before I met him and that my life had not ended, it is just changing.  I was a person before Robin and I am a person now, after Robin.  They gave me hope.

I can't stress enough how important these relationships are to me.  Before I was a wife I was also a friend, a cousin, a niece, a daughter, and a grand daughter, I was not just a wife.  I gravitated to these people leaving my current friends behind for awhile.  Fortunately my current relationships were strong enough to withstand this period in my life because they were emotionally aware enough to understand my situation.  I have good friends, old and new!  This has been the biggest piece of solace of my process of embracing my new life of being alone. As much as I am alone, I am not alone.  

Now I am on the Camino I am meeting new friends that are meeting me separate from Robin, I am on my own again.  Friendships are wonderful surprises that come at just the perfect time.  Just as Robin meeting the beautiful woman at the Organic festival enhanced his enjoyment of something he would not enjoy at all, these people I am meeting on the Camino are bringing me so much fun and healing on my journey.