Week One - Chapter One

Destination Tofino - Cougar Camp

Things have changed so quickly that it feels like I am not just starting a new chapter in my life but a whole new book.  I have moved from my house and my island home where I have lived for the last 17 years.  I have put everything in storage, started a new live-in job, and instead of getting a permanent residence, I will be exploring the natural beauty of Vancouver Island on my days off.  I will be a gypsy.

Fortunately the timing was perfect as a group of my girlfriends and I had previously booked a few days retreat at Chahayis on Chesterman Beach in Tofino.  A group of my long-time friends traditionally get together to have a 'Cougar Camp', were us 'mature' women get together to talk, surf, drink and eat good food.

My first weekend of being a gypsy and I will be staying at a luxury waterfront home and listening to the surf as I go to sleep.  My friends and I spend our time playing in the ocean or walking its shores.  We all take turns making meals for each other to enjoy around the table that overlooks the surf and the constant changing view of the sea and sky.  It is magical!

The Journey

Coming from different directions we met at an ideal location, Goat on the Roof, in Coombs.  We eat, stock up on groceries and hit the road, meeting up at the next destination only 15 minutes down the road.  Right on the highway is Cathedral Grove where there are monstrous trees in an old growth forest.  The next leg of the journey from Cathedral Grove to Tofino takes longer, about 2 hours, giving us time to catch-up, making the time and distance fly by.

Arriving at our destination I suggested everyone share the first experience of seeing the ocean.  My husband, Robin and I always had the tradition of experiencing the first glance of the ocean together.  It is such a contrasting sight from the forested terrain we travelled through to get to the West Coast and the first sight of the ocean always takes my breath away, I think it should be experienced with others.

When we arrived at Chahayis we all made our way to the front of the house looking town at the path, with the roar of the waves accompanying our steps until we could look up at the ocean together.  Some of our group had never been here and were blown away that this was going to be our accommodation for the weekend.  Even though I have been here numerous times, the exhilaration I feel on that first glance never fades.  I am sure my friends get tired of me saying, "oh isn't it so beautiful ", but then again they were saying the same thing so I am sure they didn't mind.

Everyone has or longs to find that place where time and problems disappear, for me being around water especially the ocean is where I experience an overwhelming feeling of love.  What many people call bliss, I call love.  It is a place of nonjudgement, acceptance and where I am completely immersed in the moment.

Gazing out on water and its constant change from calm to rough I feel the waters peacefulness and strength.  It is my greatest love and my greatest fear.  It always amazes me how something so peaceful looking, can kill so fiercely. But I am prepared for my experience and am always cautious and safe, (my many years of life guarding help).  I am a good swimmer; I know what to do if I get caught in a current; I tell my friends when I go out in the water; plus I have the right equipment to keep me warm.  I have a thick wet suit that enables me to stay out for long periods of time without getting cold.

For me there is nothing better than putting on my wetsuit, with the help of my friends and immersing myself fully into the experience of the ocean, not just looking at the water but being in the water.  Not that ... being in the ocean is better than looking at the ocean .... but I experience it from a totally different perspective.

When I tell people I am going surfing usually that means bougie boarding.  It is so easy and I don't have to work so hard.  One day I'll be able to surf better but for now I go the easy route.

With my bougie board in hand I wade into the water to where the waves are breaking which is no higher than my waste.  I judge the perfect spot to stand to catch the waves, watching where they break.  The strength of some waves almost push me off my feet as I head out, some waves I jump through, others crash against my body.  Arriving at the right spot I see a good wave and attempt to jump in but I was too late. I have to jump in at the right time. There are the waves that look so perfect as they roll towards me but they break ahead or behind me. Timing is everything!

Most of the time I am waiting, watching for a good wave.  It doesn't have to be perfect because I will be back out again and again, catching wave after wave.   You think I would grow impatient when the right wave doesn't come along but I don't.  I find that it is just as much fun watching the waves and the sky and the passing birds or letting myself float with the current as I wait or jumping into waves that go no where at all.

Then I get the timing right and I ride a wave to the shore, it feels so amazing, I am sure my smile can't get any bigger.  I enjoy every single second of the experience.  Some waves don't take me all the way into shore and last for only a few seconds, some I can ride right into the shore until my belly rubs on the sand.

Photo by Melodie Twemlow
As I watch the waves it looks like the water in the wave travelled from a far distance ending at the shore.  Being on the extreme west coast the next land mass would be Hawaii or even Japan, I used to think the water came from there.  I have learned that is not the way it works; it is strange as the ocean water moves up making a wave and then falls back into the immenseness of the ocean.  It isn't new water with each wave it is same water that moves up and down.  When I relax and float, it is the currents underneath that pull me in dangerous directions.  When we took surf lessons last time they told us to have a mark on shore, doing this keeps us out of harms way.  They told us to keep moving back and getting aligned to our focus on shore.

I am sure you can see all the parallels to life, the ocean conjures up in my mind.  As I catch each wave, or float with the current or miss an opportunity with a wave, each moment is giving me a life lesson.  The ocean speaks to me and tells me many stories.  The roar of the ocean drowns out the voices of people within 10 feet of me but it whispers in my ear exactly what I need to hear.

The Messages the Ocean Teaches Me

Some people that enter my life will be there for a short period of time and they may leave early so enjoy every second I have with them.

I will have friends or family that last my whole life and they will be there right to the very end.

Some people will come in and out of my life and that is alright.  Timing is everything.

Sometimes it is fun to just float with the current.  But it is wise to live life with an intention or focus or a goal.

When I am floating it is wise to have a focus or an equilibrium that I can gauge where I am.

I am supported by many people who love me.  Even if I don't feel the effects of their presences in my life they are like the ocean and are embracing me with their love all the time.  Every once and awhile they will become like a wave and have a physical experience with me.

Life can be feared or loved!  When I live cautiously and safely I am am better able to embrace the experience.  The more prepared I am the more enjoyment I can have and the longer I can stay out in the ocean of life.

I can enjoy the time between experiences.  There is beauty in everything.  Waiting isn't even about being patient it is about revelling in the now.

Giving Thanks

I have wonderful amazing friends and family that roll in and out of my life.  I am so thankful and feel very blessed.  Some of these friends are waves that came here to Tofino with me right now:

Kim M and I have been friends with since Kindergarden and has been a constant in my life.  Since she has known me since we were children, she keeps me grounded, reminding me who I am at my core.  Kim is someone whom never judges and makes me and others always feel appreciated and accepted.

Kim H. and I worked together at our first jobs as lifeguards.  I was a fixture in her home and feel like she is not just a friend but my family.  We have stories together that make me feel young instantly and I act it when we are together.  Kim is one of those amazing individuals whom you can always count on her strength and her constant friendship has never wavered even when I have been a huge pain in the arse.

Richelle and Melody I went to high school with and our relationships have been rekindled in the last few years, they both have an ability to make me feel excepted and loved exactly the way I am, they make me feel at peace through perpetual laughter.  I look forward to many more encounters with them at future 'Cougar Camps' and Richelles wedding this summer.

Sharlene is a friend of Kim M. and it is always fun to see her at our traditional 'Cougar Camp'.  Sharlene travels around the world on her own with ease and her lightness and adventurous spirit always inspire me.  Plus she has the best laugh!

The people in my presence are not the only ones who make me feel the oneness we all share.  So many people get frustrated with social media but I love it.  It gives me a huge sense of connection.  Each person I am connected with is a part of my ocean.  I can't even express how nice it is to be in contact with family that live far away or old and new friends or with the many amazing souls that live across the globe whom I connected with when I walked the Camino.  I guess what I am saying is ..... I feel the love!

This is the beginning of my new and exciting journey of being a gypsy.  I have called it embracing the void, the void being change, but it doesn't seem accurate right now as this void feels so full of love.  I feel so blessed to have these amazing woman in my life that I can laugh with, cry with, walk many many steps with, plus drink and eat GREAT food.

I look forward to my next weekend off and exploring Vancouver Island.  My moms cousin is coming to town in a couple of weeks and this weekend I will be watching Xavier, my grandson, so we will be closer to Victoria.

Heading to the ocean was the best place to begin this new gypsy life style, not that a luxury waterfront accommodation sounds anything like a gypsy. I am realizing the thought of entering this change scared me more than the actual living of the experience.  I think I am going to be pleased with my decision.  Of course there are pros and cons within every situation in life but I think the pros will out weigh the cons being a gypsy for awhile.

What I need to do is write a sign and have it say, "Are you feeling disconnected?  When was the last time you were in the ocean?"

I was surrounded by even more love as on my way back to work in Victoria as I stopped at my nephew Cody and his girlfriend Shania's house and held their precious new baby. Holding a sleeping baby fills my heart with just as much love as floating in the ocean.

Life is good!

Day 14 - Grieving the Loss of My Future

May 14th - Day 14

Chasing Dinosaurs

I planned on taking Robin on a steam train ride for his 32nd birthday but we slept in on the intended day and the birthday plans were squashed.  So I got my thinking cap on and after a few phone calls we were on our way to catch a plane to Drumheller.  One of Robin's loves since he was a child has been dinosaurs and we enjoyed our time at this amazing Canadian museum.  

Going to Drumheller reminded me of going to the Royal British Columbia Museum, where he had me take notes on the mammoth, this was the day after we made our marriage vows.  I also took notes when we went to National History Museum in New York, now that was a dinosaur hall!  I would follow Robin around these museums and take notes as he visually devoured the dinosaur skeletal sculptures.  They would fuel the next metal sculpture being birthed in his mind.

When we first met, Robin was building an atomically correct, life-sized sculpture of a Dimetrodon.  It was our baby, it went everywhere with us.  It was the main sculpture in our Vancouver warehouse studio and was shown at the Dinosaur world tour when it went through Vancouver.  When we moved to Salt Spring, he relocated with us and greeted our visitors outside the front entrance.  Donny, as he was named, went with us every week when we went to sell Robin’s metal work at the Salt Spring Island Market.  Robin was known as the guy with the big dinosaur.  

When the market ended for the season, Robin decided to relocate Donny down on the property to enjoy on our morning walks.  I was delighted, I hated lugging this huge dinosaur back and forth to the market as he is really heavy.  I struggled to help Robin carry Donny down the hill of our property to his new home.  I loved greeting him on my walk every morning.  When the market started on Easter long weekend, I almost fell over when Robin said we better go get him so we can bring him to market tomorrow.  I complained the whole time but I trudged behind, aiding Robin in his quest.  Robin told everyone that came to our table the next day of my misfortune. 

Donny at the Market with us

An invitation to an show at our studio apartment

Burgos to Hormillos - 21.0 km

The volunteers at the albergue donʼt open the doors until 6:30, it is a stampede of pilgrims by the time we are let out of the albergue, the sun is already up and I am stuck in the day light. Where are my stars that I miss so much?  I feel so sad walking out of the gates leaving Burgos.  I say a prayer and wish my friends well on their own journey’s.

The walk is surprisingly enjoyable today. The sun is out accenting the beautiful scenery with a cool breeze and gradual slopes up and down.  A lady named Stacy passes me and we start to talk. She is an author of a devotional book that she is leaving at different albergues. After I talk with her, she walks ahead and I think to myself, this isnʼt so bad, much the same as always, I was worried for nothing. I have only known these people for a week of my life, I am sure I can easily get passed their absence.

I ended up in a little village where not even one person looks familiar. Now is when I start to feel the contrast of my friends presence compared to the fun and comradeship of the previous evening. I only knew them for a week but they knew all about me and why I was here. We had a connection and we felt like we understood each other, even through the language barrier, now they were gone and I am feeling the loss. I do my routine and then go to siesta feeling very strange. I feel neither happy or sad, I feel nothingness, I feel lonely.  I wonder if this is what depression feels like? nothingness, a void?  I miss all my friends and I even miss the people whom I donʼt even know their names. I feel like I should have walked further now as it was such an easy day, at least I could be with the Brazilians.

After siesta I need to get up to eat but I want to stay in bed until tomorrow morning and not speak to a single soul. But I get up to purchase supplies from the convenience store across the street and make myself a sandwich with a baguette, cheese and salami. It is starting to get very cold and windy, my clothes dry quickly but I have to put all my clothes on to keep warm.

There is a mother/daughter duo walking together Emilia and Maria. They both left on May 1st so there is an instant bond with anyone I meet who also left on that dreadful day. Even people who didnʼt leave on May 1st, when you tell them you left on May 1st, they are, “oh wow, I heard that was a horrible day, and a horrible storm”. So there is an instant understanding of what we had to go through. Funny most of the people I met on that day also had to stay in the portables past the parking lot and over the creek.   

Well off to bed I go, at least I will get a good nights sleep.   A very blah day indeed. 

Grieving the loss of my future

I followed Robin around for so many years and now I am on my own path and it is so boring.  I no longer have his homework to do and everyone I meet is on their own journey, separate from me and I am on my own ... but what is this journey.  I have no idea.  Robin had so much passion for the things he did; he loved trains and guns and knives and dinosaurs and metal.  He was so passionate and I followed him around with a clipboard as he gave me homework for another one of his ideas.  

My future was Robin’s future and now there is no future.  With every step, I walk into my new future but it feels like it is a void of nothingness.  I am alone, Robin is left behind and I am starting all over.  The only problem is I have no idea where I want to go.  I am good, really good at enjoying the moment and right now I can’t even do that.  How can I look forward to a future when I can’t even enjoy this moment? 

I realize I have stopped grieving the loss of Robin I am now grieving the loss of my own life.  I am future less.  I am on my own and I feel like I have no direction at all.  When I meet other widows, there is an instant bond, an immediate understanding of the journey we all didn’t choose.  We all have invisible futures or futures we were trying to create, each one never wishing this journey on anyone else.  

This feeling of nothingness is so insular and lonely.  I am lonely but I don't want to let anyone in, this feeling is so strange, so not like me.  I feel like a stranger to myself.  There must be a me in here somewhere, hiding.  I worry there was never a me, I just put on a costume of Robin's wife and people thought I had a personality.  Actually I have been in a relationship since I was 15 years old.  Maybe I am nothing without a partner.  I have so many fears but they do not move me to act, I sit in this place, wondering if I will ever find a way out.

Day 13 - Fun With Friends

May 13th - Day 13

Organic Festival

I made Robin come to the Organic Festival with me on Vancouver Island to listen to a singer I enjoyed and to celebrate healthy living, something Robin did not do.  He wanted to get off the island, so with some coaxing he came along.  I warned him that he couldn’t smoke there and there was only healthy food and healthy people.  Well as his usual routine he had a cigarette at the entrance.  I was so frustrated I left him behind.

When Robin found me inside sampling some organic popcorn he had on a big grin, I asked him what he was up to.  He said while he was having a cigarette this beautiful woman came up and asked him for a cigarette.  I shook my head and continued to look at the other stalls and sampling their product, Robin didn’t  mind sampling the organic cider and wine.  Then all of a sudden this gorgeous over 6 feet tall, beautiful woman with a perfect figure with cloths that accented her every curve, ran up to Robin and gave him a big hug.  Even Robin was taken aback from her enthusiasm, he said she may have been sampling some organic herbs.  We went and watched Jeremy Fisher and Robin requested my favourite song to be played, named “Cigarette”, kind of ironic eh?.  From then on Robin asked when the next Organic Festival was so that we could attend.

San Juan de Ortega to Burgos - 25.6 km 

I woke up at 5:00 and set out,  there is a group of friendly pilgrims that are heading out at the same time. They all have their flashlights out, lighting their way. This is when I am happy to be a slow walker as they quickly walk ahead and I have the peace and tranquillity of my morning back. I rarely use my flashlight relying on the moon to highlight the path and my walking sticks for stability over unwitnessed obstructions.  The only time I get my flashlight out is at the intersections to find the signs that direct my way.

My walk today is broken up by little villages and there is a haze in the air that keeps the sun at bay. Then the never ending walk into the city begins. I can see the city right there in front of me and it feels like we are walking forever and ever. I stop and ask some Spaniards if I am going in the right direction. They tell me, in what seems like 10 minutes of a language that I donʼt understand, ci, I am going the right way and pointing me forward in the direction I am going. When I make it to the albergue many pilgrims are complaining about the long walk into the city, so it isnʼt only me that felt like it went on forever.

This albergue is a very modern facility with elevators to the different floors; it feels like a 5 star hotel. I am in a bunk bed next to Marianne and Jose the Spanish brother and sister team, then the German speaking pilgrims arrive.  I recognize the Brazilians whom I had stayed with in Pamplona, I pass them and they pass me regularly throughout the day and I say hola, hola, hola, hola, hola to each of them, each time they pass me, it is our ritual. We donʼt speak the same language but we have our daily fun.  I made plans to meet up with Christian and Petra at 6:00pm, so I will have my siesta and then set off to meet them.

I wake up from my siesta and donʼt feel like getting up at all. My feet are saying “stay in bed, stay in bed”, I donʼt listen to them and get up to go meet my companions. I leave a little early so I can explore Burgos on my own and find a pharmacy to buy some zinc for the heat rash between my legs. I get an ice cream and sit in the square watching the children play soccer, it seems the same in every square, in every city, the children play with a soccer ball (or should I say football as they call it here). There are always strollers passing with grandparents and parents in tow to show of the little princes and princess to all their friends. 

I am supposed to meet Christian and Petra at 6:00 and it is 5:30 so I go for a little stroll before I meet them and run into them right away. It is funny this Camino, the people you are supposed to meet and learn from are always there, it totally fascinates me. We go for a drink and meet up with Marianna, Josh, and Joel, a Swedish man living in France. We make a unanimous decisions to have drinks first, then go to mass and after go for tapas and sample the blood pudding that Burgos is known for. 

The Sangria definitely enhanced my mass experience as I am a little tipsy, so for future reference I will eat something with my sangria.  All us pilgrims congregate after the mass and talk,  the Brazilians inform me that they will be walking 30 km tomorrow as they have a time schedule they need to stick to. Being that my only interaction with them is hola, hola, hola, hola, hola.  I am not going to walk more to keep up with them, so we say our good byes. With hungry stomachs we head for tapas. It is my last night with Marianna and Jose as they are leaving to go back to work, and Christian and Petra are staying behind to explore Burgos.

Maybe it was the alcohol helping or maybe I was not wallowing in self pity but I am having a really fun time. We laugh .... a lot, eat good food and leave with hugs and hopes we will all meet again in the future. 

Sangrai with Jose, Petra, Marianna, & Joel before mass.

Outside the Cathedral in Burgos with Petra and Christian

  

Having fun with friends

I am so fortunate to have friends that I have known since I was young.  I have always felt blessed for these friendships but it was during this time that I realized how important these old friends truly were to my recovery.  Going anywhere with Robin was always an adventure and everyone who spent time with him always came out with a story.  In comparison to Robin I am so dull.  I was worried after Robin died that my life would be full of boredom, actually I thought I was boring.  I needed to be reminded of who I was before I was with Robin.

My daughter, my nephews, the friends I have on Salt Spring, and Robin’s friends;  only knew me as a partner to Robin, never separate from this union.  It was my friends that knew me before Robin that reminded me of who I was before I met him and that my life had not ended, it is just changing.  I was a person before Robin and I am a person now, after Robin.  They gave me hope.

I can't stress enough how important these relationships are to me.  Before I was a wife I was also a friend, a cousin, a niece, a daughter, and a grand daughter, I was not just a wife.  I gravitated to these people leaving my current friends behind for awhile.  Fortunately my current relationships were strong enough to withstand this period in my life because they were emotionally aware enough to understand my situation.  I have good friends, old and new!  This has been the biggest piece of solace of my process of embracing my new life of being alone. As much as I am alone, I am not alone.  

Now I am on the Camino I am meeting new friends that are meeting me separate from Robin, I am on my own again.  Friendships are wonderful surprises that come at just the perfect time.  Just as Robin meeting the beautiful woman at the Organic festival enhanced his enjoyment of something he would not enjoy at all, these people I am meeting on the Camino are bringing me so much fun and healing on my journey.  

Day 5 - Seeing How Far I Have Come

May 5th - Day 5

Food was a huge part of Robin's life.  He was hypoglycemic so needed to eat regularly.  When Robin took me to go see his mom and step dad in Australia the flight was 18 hours long.  Robin already knew he wasn't going to be able to smoke so eating often was critical to help him have a stable mood for the flight.  When we went to the travel agent we told her that Robin was hypoglycemic and to tag him on the passenger list. 

When we boarded the plane Robin was already feeling the need for a cigarette but then the flight attendant brought him a meal before anyone else.  Of course this pleased Robin but then he noticed they noted that he was diabetic not hypoglycemic.  There was no sugar in the meals and they were quite bland.  

After he finished his meal he called over the flight attendant and told them about the misunderstanding.  He said what he needed was to eat a lot.  Well the Quantis staff definitely heard him, they brought him meal after meal after meal. It was phenomenal food.  Then a different flight attendant came over and said 14C, they said I was suppose to come over and see for myself.  Robin had a stack of finished meal trays piled on top of each other.  He was eating beyond anything they had ever seen, they were dumb founded.  

They handed out stickers to the passengers that said "wake me for meals".  Robin made sure his was displayed and his meal enjoyment was repeated again and again.  When we walked off the plane he asked the staff where the closest restaurant was, they gave him directions in amazement.  This he did just for a reaction as he was stuffed.  He wore his sticker "wake me for meals" on his hard hat with pride to work.

There are so many stories of Robin and food I could write a whole book just on this subject alone.  He was definitely someone who lived to eat!

Pamplona to Puento La Reina - 24.1 km 

The Brazilians warned me about their friend and that he snored, even he warned me. I made sure to put in ear plugs but it didnʼt help. I was awake what felt like all night. I sure wish I had brought a watch then at least when I woke up I wouldnʼt be laying there waiting for the first person to start packing up. Also I wish I would have brought my phone. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. There are only a few people that I have crossed paths with that have no phone, at night all you can see is the haze of phones on peoples faces as they connect with their loved ones at home.

So I get up around 5:00 and pack up and start walking. The city is dark and lit by the street lights, this morning it is brisk, with the temperature hovering around zero. As the sun comes up I start to see the storm clouds come in. I prepare my pack by covering it with the waterproof shell. There are a few sprinkles but nothing to get wet but it makes for refreshing walking weather. As I pass by the wheat fields the wind is beginning to move the crop like an ocean waves. I stop every once and awhile to feel the wind on my face and watch the dance between the wind and the wheat. I feel very fortunate and blessed for giving myself this time.

There is another steep climb today, with the storm clouds coming in I am worried that it is going to be the same as the first day. But as I begin to climb the storm clouds begin to scatter and am only left with a refreshing wind. Summiting the climb amongst the wind turbines there is an amazing view and I am blown away with how far I have travelled. I can see the Pyrenees far in the distance. It is so rewarding seeing how far I have come taking one step at a time, I am satisfied but tired.

The descent is much harder than the ascent, it was rocky and rough and very easy to sprain an ankle. I am over cautious and slow. Also on the other side of the slope the climate has completely changed. It is like I started the day in Spring and ended it in Summer. The foliage and everything is different, now there was Aloe plants and olive groves and the odd lizard scurries across the path.

I get the albergue which was an old convent in good timing so go through my pack to see what I really need and don't need. All the accommodations have pillows and it has been reasonably warm so I leave behind this down vest and a touque. The Canadian family I walked up the Pyrenees is here, it is nice to chat to people from home especially as they are from the Vancouver area.

I walked around town and then went for dinner. I sat alone and watched the people go by. There wasnʼt much room so a young German man named Joseph asked to join me. This is the first person that I have sat and had a conversation with. Everyone else was idle chatter as we passed. It was interesting to hear about his life.  We waited what felt like eternity to even order our meal. There is only one waitress for the whole restaurant. I really donʼt have any clue what I am ordering so it is a surprise when I eventually get it, but  everyone is surprised as she has all the orders wrong. We were like donʼt worry, it doesnʼt matter, just give me some food. There were 3 tables outside and we all laughed about the service. There were Dutch, New Zealand, German and myself Canadian. I left the dinner ready for bed but feeling more comfortable talking to people. As I made my way to the convent I was stopped by Victoria the Spanish woman who bunked beside me for the last two nights. She was stopping walking and going back to work but she gave me her e-mail and phone number in Spain if I needed help with anything. I canʼt believe how nice this felt to be taken care of. I had done no reaching out and yet people were reaching out to me. Victoria and Joseph were my angels today.

Feeling the different types of grieving

Five months after my husband died my first boyfriend whom I dated from the time I was 15 - 20 years old died. I was so scared going to his funeral and seeing his family that I was going to be back at square one emotionally. I was worried I was going to feel the same devastation and turbulence in my life again.

I went there early to spend time with the family and I could instantly feel the difference. Zoel and I talked about once a year to catch up and see how each others lives were doing and of course there is always Facebook to see what is going on. My life did not change with Zoelʼs absence. It is his families lives that were now changing. He was a part of my life but not my everyday life. My life stayed the same. I was able to go to the memorial with great appreciation for his part in my life. But now it was his family that was hit hard. I witnessed through their pain how far I had come on my journey of grief seeing their pain now so raw and recent.

 At home I had to get back to work, I now had to start to support myself all on my own. My new future was completely different then my past with Robin. I could now pull myself together enough to finish a full day of work without falling apart. I had the best jobs for where I was in this grieving process. I work with older people and people with disabilities. Both groups of people live fully in the moment.

When Robin died I didnʼt want people around. I felt like staying in my little house and never leaving. I had to go to work but then I would just come home and cry. I had so many people reaching out to help me and wanting nothing in return. I felt so comforted. It was hard to be around people but there efforts never went unnoticed.  I couldn’t eat at all.  I lost so much weight.  Food used to be such a huge part of my live with Robin and now I wasn’t eating.  I had to force myself to eat vegetables and fruit as I knew they were important.  But as the time moved forward a bit I started to get my appetite back again.  I was able to talk to people about how I felt.  I was able to sit down and talk and eat and start to differentiate between the different ways I was feeling, all the feelings weren’t all clumped into one dreadful feeling anymore.  Life was moving forward without Robin.

Chapter 4 - I want to Run but I Need to Stay

May 4th - Day 4

Robin used to sing me the song, "don't drink, don't smoke, what do ya do?".  Robin smoked very passionately, he lived for his cider, and in the last while his light beer.  Every other word that came out of his mouth was a swear word; and he drank coffee like it was water. I already told you about the sludge Robin drank about 5-6 times a day (equal parts of instant coffee, sugar and water).  He had all the bad habits so I didn't have to.  He also ate butter and greasy food as his staple.  I had to learn early on in our relationship that this was just Robin, and there was no way I was going to change him.  I am not a drinker, a smoker and I don't drink coffee, so I could never understand the urgency or desperation.

Robin and I planned to go up the Grouse Grind, an intense hike up Grouse Mountain with our friends Kim and Colin.  I was bragging that he would die going up the mountain as he doesn’t take care of himself, and I would zoom past him due to my healthy lifestyle.  Robin had a cigarette at the base of the hike, frustrated, I suggested the other hikers tell him how bad it is to smoke in this healthy environment.  He went ahead with Colin and Kim and I walked together.  Then half way up he stopped and had another cigarette.  As I approached him I gasped and between breaths I said, “Robin, please, don’t, smoke, I, have, no, energy, to, complain.  He sauntered up the Grind like it was nothing and then at the top he had another cigarette, while I collapsed on the ground.

Zubiri to Pamplona - 21.2 km

I get up when the first person rises and I think it is about 5:00 am. I head to the washrooms which are co-ed. It feels so strange to be brushing my teeth with this man standing beside me. I say “Hola”, he says “Hola”, I have no idea where he is from and luckily he isnʼt into conversation in the morning. Every time I walk into the bathroom I feel like I have gone into the wrong one, it will take me awhile to get used to this co-ed washroom thingy.

The sun is just starting to come up as I head out on my own. The terrain is up and down and up and down but mainly down. I worry about Laura coming behind me as I know the downward slopes will be hard on her knees. I spend a lot of time thinking about how she is going to do this journey. I wish I was there to support her and help her through the slopes. There are so many people and they are doing it. I am sure she will be fine as well. I should not worry.

G a Korean actor limps past me and said that he hurt his knee. I give him some vitamin C powder and let him know this speeds the healing properties of his body. We part ways and I feel better. I know there will be other people on the journey to help Laura over her hurdles just as I was here to help G, ever so slightly.

I still have no camera to take pictures of my ventures, I think I could use it as my memory. Many people pass and I ask them where they are from and they remind me that we have met before. I feel so embarrassed. Everyone looks the same. I am still in a fog and not wanting to meet anyone. The people all seem so nice, but whenever I talk to them I feel so sad.  Their presence triggers me and they have not done a thing to hurt me, they have only been nice.  Why am I doing this, who walks 800 km's?  This is a crazy venture.  I wish I could be in Santiago without having to walk, I could get on a bus and not have to do any of the work.  I could...but I really don't want to, I want to do the work.

I have no idea how far I will make it today. Everyone kind of follows the guide book and they all get to the same places. I have the guide book but I am not so much into going more then 20 km a day but there are larger albergues in the destinations laid out in the book. It is so strange as I donʼt even know these people but I have a pull to keep up with them. Even though I donʼt want to talk to them it is still nice to see familiar faces.  

I start the day with no idea of how far I will get but I make it as far as Pamplona. It seems like an interesting city, it is where they do the running of the bulls.  I am happy I made it all the way here. In the guide book people go further but when I get my bed in the albergue I see so many familiar faces. The same Spanish couple that was beside me last night is 2 bunk beds down. There is an Italian man that came in late last night here and the Brazilian that was at the albergue yesterday before it opened is here again and I am in the same section as 3 of his friends. There is 100 beds in this section and they are divided with little walls of 2 bunk-beds in each little l-cove. Feels strange to be bunking with 3 other men but they are all very nice. Even though we canʼt speak the same language, we get along well.

It is surprising to run into the same people but I guess we are all on the same journey together so I shouldnʼt be so shocked. It is nice to see the familiar faces, even though I donʼt have to go as far as the guide book says I think I am going to do the distance recommended as it is really nice to see the see the same pilgrims. My feet wonʼt like it but it makes me feel more secure so that makes it worth the added discomfort of my feet.

After siesta I found a store where I could purchase a camera to help me remember this journey I was undertaking.  With camera in hand I people watched in the city square while I had dinner alone then I explored the streets and went to the museum.  Returning to the Albergue I felt like I was going home.  This lifestyle is beginning to feel comfortable.

I Want to Run but I Need to Stay

When Robin died, it was so hard going to town and seeing everyone that looked familiar. I felt like moving away and never coming back but this familiarity also was comforting. It was like a big comfy quilt of emotional pain. It tore me in two different directions. It was so painful but at the same time so comfortable. I didnʼt have to put on a happy face, people knew I was struggling and why I was so sad. They also felt my pain as they missed Robin too. He brought so much happiness to peoples lives just with the little interactions he had with them in town. They knew what a huge hole that was in my life and they were empathetic.

But sometimes it was hard as I would be having a good day and all cheery driving to town and then I would go grocery shopping and someone would say how sorry they were for me and I would be reminded that my life sucked. So it was a continual roller coaster ride. Up and down and up and down but mainly down. 

I worried about my daughter and nephews and how they were handling this huge loss in their lives. I wanted to help them heal but I couldnʼt from my own place of pain. I just had to have faith and know that there will be people in their lives who will help them on their own journey. We all have a challenging path ahead of us. I have to have faith that my daughter and nephews who loved Robin so much will get through this journey without my help. I sure hope they will and every time I enter a church I light a candle and say a little prayer for them.

I wanted this emotional pain over and I wanted it over instantly.  I felt desperate.  I had no desire to wait and move through the process of grieving.  This feeling shocked me, if this is what desperation feels like then why would Robin inflict this on himself every day.  To create a world where he needed something instantly to make himself feel better.  Desperation is a horrible feeling, my mantra changed to,  “I want be be rid of this pain NOW!”  Sometimes I wish I had negative coping mechanisms.  I wish I drank or smoked or did things to cover up these feeling.  I wish there was a magic pill to move through grief without the work!  

Day 3 My Healing - Your Healing - They Are Different

May 3rd - Day 3

Robin and I decided to elope because we weren't too keen on having a big wedding.  A small wedding in my family is 100 people and Robin's family consisted of his step mother in Vancouver, and his mother and step father in Australia.  I also had been a bridesmaid 7 times and I know how hectic and stressful a wedding can be and I had no desire to inflict this stress or the financial burden on ourselves.  So 2 months after our engagement on the beach in Australia, we headed to the beach in Victoria.  We went to a regular clothing store and purchased a cute little white dress. The salesgirl said "this could be a wedding dress".  I said “it is”, she got so excited and steamed it, making it perfect for a wedding.  We proceeded to the flower shop where they made a ring of flowers for my hair and I carried a simple bouquet of tulips.  Robin was wearing his black knife fighting shirt and he put tiki torches in the sand.

It was simple and sweet as we made our vows to each other on Cordova Beach.  I have the rocks we stood on and mixed them with the sand Robin collected from Australia.  We spent the night savoring our secret, then the next morning we phoned everyone as fast as we could so no one heard it from someone else.  May 11th, 1996 I made the vow to Robin to love him 'till death do us part' and I kept my word.  We never did travel around the world together, but he did take me on an adventure of a lifetime.

Espinal to Zubiri - 15.4 km

I headed out early today on my own. Laura is going to be walking approximately 10 km a day. I need to walk at least 20 km a day and I am already behind from only doing 6.5 km yesterday. I donʼt have a watch or a phone so I wake up when the first people begin to make noise.  I am a creature of habit so getting into some sort of routine early will help.  I will start to walk as soon as the first people wake and I will have tortilla and cola cao for breakfast, my routine is beginning to fall into place.   Now all I have to do is walk until I want to stop for the day. 

That doesnʼt seem too hard until I start walking. Even though I am in pain, putting one foot in front of the other is the only option I have at the moment. There are so many pilgrims and so many of them pass me as I am so slow. I knew I was a slow walker but I had no idea how slow. Everyone just zooms past me like I am standing still. Robin used to tease me and say my feet barely pass in front of the each other.  The pilgrims think there is something wrong, that I am injured, I am perpetually responding with, “no this is the way I walk”. I have no blisters or injuries to complain about as I plod along.

There are pilgrims from all over the world and so many different languages. Some people zoom past me with out saying a word and some slow down to my pace to chat a bit.  A normal interaction goes like this,
“Where are you from”, in their mother tongue.
I give them a befuddled look so they resort to the default language of English and ask again.
I respond with, “Canada”.
“Oh so you speak French?”
I embarrassingly say “no”. Luckily most people speak enough English to interact.
“Why are you doing the Camino” they ask. 

This is where I get a pit in my stomach. It is hard to say ʻmy husband diedʼ so I have been saying, “to figure out where the next stage of my life is going”. This is a common answer from people. I am telling the truth, this is why I am here to figure out what I am going to do next; I just neglect to tell them what happened in my life, that brought me to the point, to where I have to decide the new course for my future.

I know the rest of my journey will be solitary as Laura is now far behind me. Everyone I pass or should I say passes me is so nice, however; I have no desire to make friends or meet  people. All I want to do is finish this walk and figure out what to do with my life and go home. As people pass, or after our introduction and brief conversation they say “Buen Camino”, or I say it initially to give them permission to move past quickly.  I know I seem rude but they have many other people that they can meet on this trail other than me. They may have come on the Camino to meet people but I havenʼt.

I get to the albergue early as I can only manage 15.4 km today. The lady in the office tells me in Spanish that they donʼt open until 1:00pm. It takes me awhile to figure out that uno means 1:00pm not 1 Euro for the bed.  There is a nice man from Brazil, who helps with the translation, we wait outside together in silence until it opens. As soon as I get my bed, I take a shower and wash my clothes, then walk around town on my own. 

When I come back there is a couple that are playing the guitar and a flute together in the adjoining gym. I sit back and listen where they canʼt see me, the loving connection between the two of them brings me to tears. You can see they adore each other by the way they look at each other but you can also feel the energy between them.  I feel jealous but happy for them at the same time.   

When I go to bed everyone around me speaks a different language so I donʼt have to talk.  It is comforting to have them around without having to force conversation. A few people come in late, some people want the windows open, some closed, there is about 50 people in the room and many little noises. It feels strange to be sleeping in a room with men and women together. There is a Spanish couple on the next bunk, we smile but canʼt speak each others language.

This experience of walking is so singular and individual.  I want to buy a new camera but at the same time I want to keep this experience to myself and not share it with anyone.  I find it comforting to be in a place where there is no conversation, the silence is soothing.  I wonder how other people feel and what happened in their life to bring them here.  As everyone goes to sleep, I know,  they all have their own thoughts and dreams, each one, with their own book to write.

My Healing - Your Healing - They Are Different

We live, or should I say ‘I’ live, on a small island, named Salt Spring Island, where everyone knows my business. It is so extremely painful to go to the grocery store where I live. I know I will bump into someone and the conversation will go something like this, “I am so sorry to hear about Robin. How are you doing” They look at me empatheticly, then most of the time I get a Salt Spring hug. These people are so nice and sincere and caring but it is so extremely exhausting. Every encounter tears my heart out. I want to stay home and never eat again. People want to come over and bring me food or just be there for me but I want to be alone. I want to have at least one day, even one hour where I donʼt cry. Life feels so painful. I want everyone to go away but at the same time I feel so blessed to have such an amazing support system.

I want this pain to be over so I can get on with my life no matter what that life will be.   I try so hard to see the good that surrounds me and not be so flipping depressed but I hate my life. I have never, ever, hated my life! Even through my hardest times in the past, I could still see the good and right now I canʼt see the good in anything. I know I have so many loving, caring people in my life but I donʼt want them anywhere near me, I just want them to go away. When I interact with people, I am doing it for them, not  for me. Why canʼt they just see that I need space.

Robin was working away from home for the past 5 years so I was home alone the majority of the time.  In contrast for the first 7 years of our marriage, Robin and I worked together, always in each others company, so socializing seperately was a break from the 24/7. Robin and I had a social life in which we rarely shared.  When he died it felt so strange to have other people become such a huge part of "our" relationship.   It was hard being around people who told me what Robin was like to them or how they perceived our relationship.  Everyone views things through their own eyes and I wanted to keep my relationship with Robin to myself because that is how it had always been. 

Robin’s relationships with his friends were totally separate from me, as his conversations and time with them were never shared.  Robin had strong relationships and people that loved him deeply and I wanted to honour those relationships as well. I loved it when Robin came home from work to tell me the fun stories of times he spent with his co-workers and friends.  Robin always made life exciting and memorable and people gravitated to him.   Each persons heart broke when their llife with Robin was forever altered due to his death.  Each person grieved alone, as each had a private relationship with him, but we all had to find away to grieve together and celebrate his life. We had a viewing of Robin's body and I had the funeral director dress him in the same shirt he wore at our wedding.   Then we had a celebration of his life where we all met at the beach in a storm but I'll tell you about that later.  Robin created a wake of love behind him and as a result the grief was also profound.

 After the viewing, Robin was cremated.  I took the sand from our engagement, the rocks from our wedding, and Robin’s ashes;  I lit a candles and mixed them together in my own private ceremony.  A moment I shared alone, with Robin.  I feel blessed to have shared a life with this amazing man and to be honoured with the title of being his wife.

Day Two - May 2nd-Letting Go, Moving Forward

May 2nd - Day 2

When I met Robin he was dating quite a few different women, after about a year of dating, he whittled down his choices to just me.  His motto was, you have to date more than one woman at a time so that you can see who is the best one for you.  I got to be that “one” and we were having a lot of fun together.  I had a dream of sailing around the world so I wasn't being too committal.  I had been telling everyone I met about my dream; my seed sowing paid off; someone needed crew to bring their sailboat from the east coast of Canada around through the Panama Canal and up to Vancouver, and I was asked to join the crew.  

I called Robin and told him I had some good news.  He was excited as he had some good news as well, we met to exchange details.   I was bursting ready to tell him my news and wanted to go first, he, even more excited, said let me go first.   I conceded.  

“I have a break between jobs and I want to take you to Australia to meet my mom.”    

“Wow, no way, well yah of course I want to do that!”  I said excitedly.

“What is your news?”  He asked.

“I got a job on a sailboat” and I told him all the details.  When I get back from Australia I can still do this, I thought to myself.  

We quickly obtained passports and airfares and were on our way to Australia to meet Robin’s mother and stepfather.  After a quick but wonderful visit we headed up to Surfers Paradise to visit my best friend Cindy and her husband Chris.  On our last evening in Australia we all headed to the beach for dinner.  We finished our sunset beach picnic and Robin pulled me away to go for a romantic walk in the moonlight.  I can still hear the surf as it lightly hit the shore accompanied by the squeak of our steps on the fine sand. The night skies were covered in stars that looked so different from our Canadian constellations.    Robin stopped and engraved a big heart in the sand and within the heart he wrote Robin loves Charlene.  Taking my hand he pulled me into the middle of the heart.  He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  

Wow, I was in shock.   I said yes and Robin put a sharks tooth necklace around my neck to seal the deal.  I made Robin promise that we would travel around the world on a sailboat together one day.  He agreed as he picked me up and swung me around.  Robin then took some sand from the heart, the Robin, the loves, & the Charlene.  We went back to Cindy and Chris who were waiting for us on the beach and we never said a word, we kept our engagement as a secret just between the two of us.

I still have this sand in a bowl on my dresser. 

Roncesvalles to Espinal - 6.5 km

I was supposed to meet my friend Laura but there is no sign of her.  I woke at 7:30am and we have to be out of the monestary by 8:00am so it doesn't leave me much time to try and connect, so I leave a note for Laura in hopes she will find it.  I am so sore and weak I have no clue how I will make it through the day. The fog has lifted and the weather is nice but my head still feels like a fog.

I ask the volunteer at the monastery where I can obtain breakfast, he directs me to a coffee shop 3.5 km up the path to the next town.  So off I go, I walk and talk to people as they pass but the conversations go in one ear and out the other. I canʼt hear and I canʼt feel anything my body is doing. That really was the hardest hike I have ever done in my life yesterday.  Then to have to go for another walk today....crazy!

As I approach the cafe I run into Laura sitting outside with a group of women enjoying breakfast. I have my first cola cao, (hot chocolate) and tortilla, (a potato omelet).   Laura and I walk for another 3 km together and end up in a little town named Espinal. I am so exhausted all I want to do is to stop. My running shoes are still wet from yesterday.  I wrote a postcard home and this is what it says “As I walk the birds are singing, the church bells ring in the distance which are accompanied by the deeper tone of the cow bells in the fields. All I want to do is lay comatose anywhere till the end of time and listen. The walk did me in yesterday so I just walked 6.5 km today. I am in a lovely hostel in Espinal.” 

After a delightful dinner (wine, bread, cheese and chocolate), Laura I go through my pack to figure out what is not necessary for my journey ahead.   An entry in my journal, “One day in and I can see that I have baggage I need to get rid of. If I am going to make the journey ahead I have to let go of what is heavy and holding me back. I gave Laura a light pair of pants and I left my heavy rain coat that didnʼt do any good. Plus I am leaving Laura behind, she is taking this journey slower so I am on my own from here on in.

Letting Go, Moving Forward

The day Robin asked me to marry him and the day he died are two instances in my life where I thought my life was going in one direction and then in an instant that future changed.  The one that intertwined our lives was far better than the one where Robin left me, I wanted to grow old with this man. When he asked me to marry him, I could say yes or no; when Robin died I had no control. Now I have to make choices and decisions that do not include Robin, I didn’t want my future to change and every decision I make, I felt like I was choosing a life without Robin.  I wanted my life to stay on course and all our future plans to actually happen.  A life with Robin was now impossible and I had to create a new life without him.  It feels like every choice I make, as simple as a meal, leads me further away from Robin.

The days following Robinʼs death were a blur. I couldnʼt tell you who came to see me and who didnʼt, my life was a fog. Every part of me felt exhausted and nothing was in focus. Food was in abundance and I couldnʼt eat. I ate raw vegetables and pizza. I knew I had a long journey ahead of me and my thoughts where not focused beyond my breath. My huge loss was present within every breath I took.

It became instantly apparent who could help me through this journey and who couldnʼt. There are people in my life who gave me energy and there are people in my life who depleated my energy.  It took a lot of stamina to be around people so the only people that I could have around me were people that didnʼt need anything from me. I was raw, with nothing in me to give in the slightest. I had no strength, I was completely emotionally exhausted. Again if I could have just laid comatose till the end of time I think I would have. There was no guide book to pull me forward; I wish there had been. But I knew I just had to take each day as it came, with its pains and joys... but mostly pains.

I left people behind that couldn’t help me move forward to a healthy place.  That sounds so simple but it was excruciatingly hard!  Not just for me but for the people I left behind.  This was my life and my life was already changing so drastically.  To weed people out, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship, made me feel even more vulnerable.  Just because these relationships weren’t healthy didn’t mean they weren’t comfortable.  The people that I distanced myself from did not support my choice to alienate them from my life.  Looking back, they were quite mean to me, especially when I was going through such a hard time.

The same feeling to a lesser degree I feel regarding the articles in my back pack, that I am leaving behind.  These items are the only things I have that are mine.  My whole existence is me and these possessions in my backpack.  Leaving them behind is hard.  There is something inside of me that no matter how hard they make my journey, I want to keep carrying them.  

My ultimate goal is to be healthy and happy and to face life challenges head on.  Letting go and distancing myself from people I love in the process made my future even more undetermined.  But I did it, I left them behind and things felt a little bit lighter.

The man doing the handstand is Robin's dad.