Day Two - May 2nd-Letting Go, Moving Forward

May 2nd - Day 2

When I met Robin he was dating quite a few different women, after about a year of dating, he whittled down his choices to just me.  His motto was, you have to date more than one woman at a time so that you can see who is the best one for you.  I got to be that “one” and we were having a lot of fun together.  I had a dream of sailing around the world so I wasn't being too committal.  I had been telling everyone I met about my dream; my seed sowing paid off; someone needed crew to bring their sailboat from the east coast of Canada around through the Panama Canal and up to Vancouver, and I was asked to join the crew.  

I called Robin and told him I had some good news.  He was excited as he had some good news as well, we met to exchange details.   I was bursting ready to tell him my news and wanted to go first, he, even more excited, said let me go first.   I conceded.  

“I have a break between jobs and I want to take you to Australia to meet my mom.”    

“Wow, no way, well yah of course I want to do that!”  I said excitedly.

“What is your news?”  He asked.

“I got a job on a sailboat” and I told him all the details.  When I get back from Australia I can still do this, I thought to myself.  

We quickly obtained passports and airfares and were on our way to Australia to meet Robin’s mother and stepfather.  After a quick but wonderful visit we headed up to Surfers Paradise to visit my best friend Cindy and her husband Chris.  On our last evening in Australia we all headed to the beach for dinner.  We finished our sunset beach picnic and Robin pulled me away to go for a romantic walk in the moonlight.  I can still hear the surf as it lightly hit the shore accompanied by the squeak of our steps on the fine sand. The night skies were covered in stars that looked so different from our Canadian constellations.    Robin stopped and engraved a big heart in the sand and within the heart he wrote Robin loves Charlene.  Taking my hand he pulled me into the middle of the heart.  He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  

Wow, I was in shock.   I said yes and Robin put a sharks tooth necklace around my neck to seal the deal.  I made Robin promise that we would travel around the world on a sailboat together one day.  He agreed as he picked me up and swung me around.  Robin then took some sand from the heart, the Robin, the loves, & the Charlene.  We went back to Cindy and Chris who were waiting for us on the beach and we never said a word, we kept our engagement as a secret just between the two of us.

I still have this sand in a bowl on my dresser. 

Roncesvalles to Espinal - 6.5 km

I was supposed to meet my friend Laura but there is no sign of her.  I woke at 7:30am and we have to be out of the monestary by 8:00am so it doesn't leave me much time to try and connect, so I leave a note for Laura in hopes she will find it.  I am so sore and weak I have no clue how I will make it through the day. The fog has lifted and the weather is nice but my head still feels like a fog.

I ask the volunteer at the monastery where I can obtain breakfast, he directs me to a coffee shop 3.5 km up the path to the next town.  So off I go, I walk and talk to people as they pass but the conversations go in one ear and out the other. I canʼt hear and I canʼt feel anything my body is doing. That really was the hardest hike I have ever done in my life yesterday.  Then to have to go for another walk today....crazy!

As I approach the cafe I run into Laura sitting outside with a group of women enjoying breakfast. I have my first cola cao, (hot chocolate) and tortilla, (a potato omelet).   Laura and I walk for another 3 km together and end up in a little town named Espinal. I am so exhausted all I want to do is to stop. My running shoes are still wet from yesterday.  I wrote a postcard home and this is what it says “As I walk the birds are singing, the church bells ring in the distance which are accompanied by the deeper tone of the cow bells in the fields. All I want to do is lay comatose anywhere till the end of time and listen. The walk did me in yesterday so I just walked 6.5 km today. I am in a lovely hostel in Espinal.” 

After a delightful dinner (wine, bread, cheese and chocolate), Laura I go through my pack to figure out what is not necessary for my journey ahead.   An entry in my journal, “One day in and I can see that I have baggage I need to get rid of. If I am going to make the journey ahead I have to let go of what is heavy and holding me back. I gave Laura a light pair of pants and I left my heavy rain coat that didnʼt do any good. Plus I am leaving Laura behind, she is taking this journey slower so I am on my own from here on in.

Letting Go, Moving Forward

The day Robin asked me to marry him and the day he died are two instances in my life where I thought my life was going in one direction and then in an instant that future changed.  The one that intertwined our lives was far better than the one where Robin left me, I wanted to grow old with this man. When he asked me to marry him, I could say yes or no; when Robin died I had no control. Now I have to make choices and decisions that do not include Robin, I didn’t want my future to change and every decision I make, I felt like I was choosing a life without Robin.  I wanted my life to stay on course and all our future plans to actually happen.  A life with Robin was now impossible and I had to create a new life without him.  It feels like every choice I make, as simple as a meal, leads me further away from Robin.

The days following Robinʼs death were a blur. I couldnʼt tell you who came to see me and who didnʼt, my life was a fog. Every part of me felt exhausted and nothing was in focus. Food was in abundance and I couldnʼt eat. I ate raw vegetables and pizza. I knew I had a long journey ahead of me and my thoughts where not focused beyond my breath. My huge loss was present within every breath I took.

It became instantly apparent who could help me through this journey and who couldnʼt. There are people in my life who gave me energy and there are people in my life who depleated my energy.  It took a lot of stamina to be around people so the only people that I could have around me were people that didnʼt need anything from me. I was raw, with nothing in me to give in the slightest. I had no strength, I was completely emotionally exhausted. Again if I could have just laid comatose till the end of time I think I would have. There was no guide book to pull me forward; I wish there had been. But I knew I just had to take each day as it came, with its pains and joys... but mostly pains.

I left people behind that couldn’t help me move forward to a healthy place.  That sounds so simple but it was excruciatingly hard!  Not just for me but for the people I left behind.  This was my life and my life was already changing so drastically.  To weed people out, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship, made me feel even more vulnerable.  Just because these relationships weren’t healthy didn’t mean they weren’t comfortable.  The people that I distanced myself from did not support my choice to alienate them from my life.  Looking back, they were quite mean to me, especially when I was going through such a hard time.

The same feeling to a lesser degree I feel regarding the articles in my back pack, that I am leaving behind.  These items are the only things I have that are mine.  My whole existence is me and these possessions in my backpack.  Leaving them behind is hard.  There is something inside of me that no matter how hard they make my journey, I want to keep carrying them.  

My ultimate goal is to be healthy and happy and to face life challenges head on.  Letting go and distancing myself from people I love in the process made my future even more undetermined.  But I did it, I left them behind and things felt a little bit lighter.

The man doing the handstand is Robin's dad.

Chapter 1 - May 1st - Day 1

May 1st - Day 1

I woke up this morning, May 1st, in St. Jean Pier de Port, France, eager to start up the Pyrenees.  I have no idea what this journey entails but I think I am ready.  Within the first few steps of this pilgrimage my mind set off, on its own journey.  Instantly the stories of my life with Robin began to circulate, as I begin this path, I remember how my life with Robin first began.

In 1995 I was working in a furniture store in downtown Vancouver.  For entertainment, my co-workers and I would watch the construction workers as they laboured on the high rise building next door.  There was one tall good looking man with long hair that we kept a closer eye on.  His enthusiasm and energy was palpable and his good looks and big smile kept us entertained.

A moment forever etched in my mind occured when this man and I each crossed the road from opposite directions.  As we passed each other in the middle of the road on Cambie and Nelson in Vancouver, his deep brown eyes pulled me in and I knew somehow our futures were interlinked.  That day was over 20 years ago but in this very moment it feels like it happened a moment ago.

A few days after this memerable moment, I again passed him as he was working on the building and our eyes met again. He said in what I thought was an Australian accent, "A news paper has gone awry in front of your store, if you get a bag I will clean it up for you".  I got him a plastic bag and thanked him.  He said, "Anything for you" and quickly left.  I and the other saleswomen giggled and went about our business.

Later that day we saw him approaching the entrance with a rose in hand.  He handed me the rose and said, "In case I never see you again, can I have a hug?"  I gave him a small hug while looking over his shoulder at my co-workers who were smirking.  I learned his name was Robin and I told him my name was Charlene and he was gone in a flash.  Of course I was teased for the rest of the day by my friends.  

I could barely breathe and felt like I was walking on a cloud.  I could not believe the storybook scene that had just transpired in my life. 

St. Jean to Roncesvalles - 24 km

I stayed in an albergue, a hostel for pilgrims, last night so I could get up this morning and start walking. My girlfriend, Laura met me in Marseille a few days earlier, then we took the train and bus to St. Jean, one of the many access points of the Camino.  Laura is taking the bus around the Pyrenees while I walk over them. We were issued our passports yesterday so all I have to do is get up, have breakfast and go. I have done lots of hiking and training so I am not too worried about the walking, what worries me is being away from home for so long.  I am in France and donʼt know any French and will be in Spain tonight and donʼt know any Spanish.  I now wish I would have practiced the languages at least a little.  I have never been to Europe before, actually, I have never been away from home longer than 10 days. I came with my friend Laura, but as she is retired, she can take her time, so I think I will be doing most of this walk on my own. 

The journey ahead is 800 km long. I have a small guide book but no idea where I will stay each night, I have no idea where I am going, and I have no idea how everything will work out, my future is a complete mystery. 

All those worries start to fade as I take my first steps up this very steep grade. Joining me are many other pilgrims on the same journey, I am delighted to be joined with a Canadian family from Vancouver and an American recovering from lung cancer, who speak English.  I realize right away that I am a very slow walker and everyone else has a much faster pace then I do. The passing pilgrims chat briefly with me, then say “Buen Camino” and are on their way.

I feel like I am in a dream as I walk past the vibrant green pastures dotted with cows, horses and sheep, with the sounds of the cow bells chiming at random intervals. I feel elated!  I am actually doing this!  I have started something that I said I would do, I didnʼt just plan an adventure and forget, I am here walking this very minute.

I don't know if I am going to walk the full 24 km over the Pyrenees today or stop at the 9km mark where there is an albergue.  Arriving at the 9 km mark it starts to sprinkle, the cool rain feels refreshing as it hits my hot sweating body, proof of a hard steep climb.  We have already climbed to an elevation of 650 mts in 9 km; we started at 170 m above sea level.  With this accomplishment behind me I feel I am able to get to the next albergue in a monastery in Roncesvalles, no problem. So I continue to climb upwards.

Unfortunatily a storm has begun to hit us hard.  The wind is causing the rain to pelt our faces at a 45 degree angle, prompting everyone to put their tarps on to cover themselves and their backpacks, which have now became kites in the wind, more of a hinderance then a help.  It is cold and in patches there is still snow on the path.  I can see the other pilgrims in the distance transversing up the mountain; the only thought that passes through my mind is, ‘there is no way I will be able to make it to where they are’.  

I reach that exact spot I thought unattainable, I feel a twinge of accomplishment, until I stop and look up to reassess my location.  I thought I must be close to the top of the mountain range. But no!  I see my fellow pilgrims way in the distance, they are continuing to transverse their way further and further into what seems like heaven.  I tell myself if I got here one step at a time, I can get there one step at a time. I feel the pull forward. There is no way I am going to walk back to St. Jean, if I want a bed to sleep in tonight I need to make it to Rosensvallious. 

I notice in the guide book there is a safety shelter, coming up soon, where I can get a break from the weather for a bit and have some of the food I have tucked away in my backpack.  This pulls me forward.  As I see it approaching I can feel the relief in my legs already.  Visualizing taking off my pack and sitting down sounds so lovely.  Relieved to finally get here I open the door to find it so jam packed with pilgrims standing together like sardines, sheltered from the rain, that I can't even fit in the door; so I carry on in the rain and wind.

I have never experienced such a hard hike in my whole...entire... life and I am from Canada, we have some pretty hard hikes.  This is beyond any experience I have ever endured.  My camera has stopped working so I can’t take any pictures to share this personal experience. I stand here looking at my limited view due to the fog, and it hits me. I am here again. Feeling it all over with each breath. I am reliving the hardest day of my life. I am back in the storm. I wanted out then and I want out now, but I know it will take me one step at a time to get me to where I need to go, just as it did when Robin died. 

The pain of everything is hitting me hard. I am in a strange land and territory, I am completely alone, yet surrounded by so many people.  This is uniquely my experience because of what is going on inside of me, not for what was happening outside of me. Every feeling I left home to escape is rushing back. I am on this mountain in the middle of a storm, feeling all the same feelings I left home to escape.

Everything feels hopeless, I don't think I can make it through. There are emergency numbers on posts every 50m or so and I wonder if I am going to be one of the people that needs to phone the emergency number. The only problem is I didnʼt bring any technology with me so how am I going to call if I need help. I am going to have to ask someone to call for me but what if I can’t communicate to them because I don’t know their language?

Why am I doing this to myself!?  Do I like to torture myself?  I did this to heal my pain, not to make it worse. This was a mistake. The only difference about being on this mountain struggling forward is that I have no one else to think about but me. I am on this mountain feeling only my pain.  I thought this would have been easier but it is even harder and I have never felt so heavy.  Every step I take feels impossible with this pack on my back and the storm pushing against my every step.  Every thought that goes through my head weighs me down even further.  I read the guide book, nothing prepared me for the difficulty of this walk. As I continue to trudge on, I make it to the top and my direction heads downwards. There is no celebration, no truimph.  It is very anticlimactic as the downward journey feels harder then the uphill climb, now all the pressure goes to my feet and my knees.    

I can't even tell you how good it feels to see the monastery in the distance but again my pain is not eased on arrival; as I have to wait in line for over an hour, soaking wet.  Upon being assigned a room, they informe me the monestary is full and I am sent to some portables in the woods.  Exhausted I wash my clothes, have a shower in a flooded portable, go to the pilgrims mass, eat dinner, find my bed and instantly fell asleep.

Just breath

The parallel of my two experiences is eerie. I came to see where my life was headed and what I should do next and I have ended up exactly where I started, grieving again. Why? 

At home my job is palliative care, I work with people who are dying and not one of those experiences prepared me for how difficult Robinʼs death would be.  The day he died was absolutely the worst day of my life!  I couldnʼt have been more shocked, in pain, helpless or alone feeling. I was alone even though I was surrounded by so many people.  There were loving supportive people everywhere and I still can not remember who was there doing what, everything was a fog.

Remembering the first moment I looked into Robin's eyes until the moment I heard the news about his death, every memory blended into one big blur that I could not make sense of.  There have been highs and lows within the 18 years that we have been together, each moment now a treasure.  With the shock of Robin's death looming over me, I had no idea how I was going to get through a single moment, let alone a day, or a week, I wondered how I would ever get through this experience.  

The only way I got through, those first days, after Robin’s death, was exactly the way I got through today;  I kept breathing, taking one step at a time, through the mystery of what was becoming.