Chapter 1 - May 1st - Day 1

May 1st - Day 1

I woke up this morning, May 1st, in St. Jean Pier de Port, France, eager to start up the Pyrenees.  I have no idea what this journey entails but I think I am ready.  Within the first few steps of this pilgrimage my mind set off, on its own journey.  Instantly the stories of my life with Robin began to circulate, as I begin this path, I remember how my life with Robin first began.

In 1995 I was working in a furniture store in downtown Vancouver.  For entertainment, my co-workers and I would watch the construction workers as they laboured on the high rise building next door.  There was one tall good looking man with long hair that we kept a closer eye on.  His enthusiasm and energy was palpable and his good looks and big smile kept us entertained.

A moment forever etched in my mind occured when this man and I each crossed the road from opposite directions.  As we passed each other in the middle of the road on Cambie and Nelson in Vancouver, his deep brown eyes pulled me in and I knew somehow our futures were interlinked.  That day was over 20 years ago but in this very moment it feels like it happened a moment ago.

A few days after this memerable moment, I again passed him as he was working on the building and our eyes met again. He said in what I thought was an Australian accent, "A news paper has gone awry in front of your store, if you get a bag I will clean it up for you".  I got him a plastic bag and thanked him.  He said, "Anything for you" and quickly left.  I and the other saleswomen giggled and went about our business.

Later that day we saw him approaching the entrance with a rose in hand.  He handed me the rose and said, "In case I never see you again, can I have a hug?"  I gave him a small hug while looking over his shoulder at my co-workers who were smirking.  I learned his name was Robin and I told him my name was Charlene and he was gone in a flash.  Of course I was teased for the rest of the day by my friends.  

I could barely breathe and felt like I was walking on a cloud.  I could not believe the storybook scene that had just transpired in my life. 

St. Jean to Roncesvalles - 24 km

I stayed in an albergue, a hostel for pilgrims, last night so I could get up this morning and start walking. My girlfriend, Laura met me in Marseille a few days earlier, then we took the train and bus to St. Jean, one of the many access points of the Camino.  Laura is taking the bus around the Pyrenees while I walk over them. We were issued our passports yesterday so all I have to do is get up, have breakfast and go. I have done lots of hiking and training so I am not too worried about the walking, what worries me is being away from home for so long.  I am in France and donʼt know any French and will be in Spain tonight and donʼt know any Spanish.  I now wish I would have practiced the languages at least a little.  I have never been to Europe before, actually, I have never been away from home longer than 10 days. I came with my friend Laura, but as she is retired, she can take her time, so I think I will be doing most of this walk on my own. 

The journey ahead is 800 km long. I have a small guide book but no idea where I will stay each night, I have no idea where I am going, and I have no idea how everything will work out, my future is a complete mystery. 

All those worries start to fade as I take my first steps up this very steep grade. Joining me are many other pilgrims on the same journey, I am delighted to be joined with a Canadian family from Vancouver and an American recovering from lung cancer, who speak English.  I realize right away that I am a very slow walker and everyone else has a much faster pace then I do. The passing pilgrims chat briefly with me, then say “Buen Camino” and are on their way.

I feel like I am in a dream as I walk past the vibrant green pastures dotted with cows, horses and sheep, with the sounds of the cow bells chiming at random intervals. I feel elated!  I am actually doing this!  I have started something that I said I would do, I didnʼt just plan an adventure and forget, I am here walking this very minute.

I don't know if I am going to walk the full 24 km over the Pyrenees today or stop at the 9km mark where there is an albergue.  Arriving at the 9 km mark it starts to sprinkle, the cool rain feels refreshing as it hits my hot sweating body, proof of a hard steep climb.  We have already climbed to an elevation of 650 mts in 9 km; we started at 170 m above sea level.  With this accomplishment behind me I feel I am able to get to the next albergue in a monastery in Roncesvalles, no problem. So I continue to climb upwards.

Unfortunatily a storm has begun to hit us hard.  The wind is causing the rain to pelt our faces at a 45 degree angle, prompting everyone to put their tarps on to cover themselves and their backpacks, which have now became kites in the wind, more of a hinderance then a help.  It is cold and in patches there is still snow on the path.  I can see the other pilgrims in the distance transversing up the mountain; the only thought that passes through my mind is, ‘there is no way I will be able to make it to where they are’.  

I reach that exact spot I thought unattainable, I feel a twinge of accomplishment, until I stop and look up to reassess my location.  I thought I must be close to the top of the mountain range. But no!  I see my fellow pilgrims way in the distance, they are continuing to transverse their way further and further into what seems like heaven.  I tell myself if I got here one step at a time, I can get there one step at a time. I feel the pull forward. There is no way I am going to walk back to St. Jean, if I want a bed to sleep in tonight I need to make it to Rosensvallious. 

I notice in the guide book there is a safety shelter, coming up soon, where I can get a break from the weather for a bit and have some of the food I have tucked away in my backpack.  This pulls me forward.  As I see it approaching I can feel the relief in my legs already.  Visualizing taking off my pack and sitting down sounds so lovely.  Relieved to finally get here I open the door to find it so jam packed with pilgrims standing together like sardines, sheltered from the rain, that I can't even fit in the door; so I carry on in the rain and wind.

I have never experienced such a hard hike in my whole...entire... life and I am from Canada, we have some pretty hard hikes.  This is beyond any experience I have ever endured.  My camera has stopped working so I can’t take any pictures to share this personal experience. I stand here looking at my limited view due to the fog, and it hits me. I am here again. Feeling it all over with each breath. I am reliving the hardest day of my life. I am back in the storm. I wanted out then and I want out now, but I know it will take me one step at a time to get me to where I need to go, just as it did when Robin died. 

The pain of everything is hitting me hard. I am in a strange land and territory, I am completely alone, yet surrounded by so many people.  This is uniquely my experience because of what is going on inside of me, not for what was happening outside of me. Every feeling I left home to escape is rushing back. I am on this mountain in the middle of a storm, feeling all the same feelings I left home to escape.

Everything feels hopeless, I don't think I can make it through. There are emergency numbers on posts every 50m or so and I wonder if I am going to be one of the people that needs to phone the emergency number. The only problem is I didnʼt bring any technology with me so how am I going to call if I need help. I am going to have to ask someone to call for me but what if I can’t communicate to them because I don’t know their language?

Why am I doing this to myself!?  Do I like to torture myself?  I did this to heal my pain, not to make it worse. This was a mistake. The only difference about being on this mountain struggling forward is that I have no one else to think about but me. I am on this mountain feeling only my pain.  I thought this would have been easier but it is even harder and I have never felt so heavy.  Every step I take feels impossible with this pack on my back and the storm pushing against my every step.  Every thought that goes through my head weighs me down even further.  I read the guide book, nothing prepared me for the difficulty of this walk. As I continue to trudge on, I make it to the top and my direction heads downwards. There is no celebration, no truimph.  It is very anticlimactic as the downward journey feels harder then the uphill climb, now all the pressure goes to my feet and my knees.    

I can't even tell you how good it feels to see the monastery in the distance but again my pain is not eased on arrival; as I have to wait in line for over an hour, soaking wet.  Upon being assigned a room, they informe me the monestary is full and I am sent to some portables in the woods.  Exhausted I wash my clothes, have a shower in a flooded portable, go to the pilgrims mass, eat dinner, find my bed and instantly fell asleep.

Just breath

The parallel of my two experiences is eerie. I came to see where my life was headed and what I should do next and I have ended up exactly where I started, grieving again. Why? 

At home my job is palliative care, I work with people who are dying and not one of those experiences prepared me for how difficult Robinʼs death would be.  The day he died was absolutely the worst day of my life!  I couldnʼt have been more shocked, in pain, helpless or alone feeling. I was alone even though I was surrounded by so many people.  There were loving supportive people everywhere and I still can not remember who was there doing what, everything was a fog.

Remembering the first moment I looked into Robin's eyes until the moment I heard the news about his death, every memory blended into one big blur that I could not make sense of.  There have been highs and lows within the 18 years that we have been together, each moment now a treasure.  With the shock of Robin's death looming over me, I had no idea how I was going to get through a single moment, let alone a day, or a week, I wondered how I would ever get through this experience.  

The only way I got through, those first days, after Robin’s death, was exactly the way I got through today;  I kept breathing, taking one step at a time, through the mystery of what was becoming.  

Walking Away From a Life I Love - The Introduction

The Life I Lived 

I love my life ... I love my life ... I love  my life!

This is my mantra as I drive along the winding roads of our island home, to pick up Robin from the ferry. Robin, my husband of 17 years works out of town for as long as a month, then comes home for a week or so.  My work schedule, fortunately gives me the flexibility to be entirely available for fun when he returns.  Tomorrow we will go camping in our 4x4 truck and camper, down an old logging roads on Vancouver Island.  The peace and tranquility is shared only with the elk, bear, birds and cougars. Wilderness camping in luxury!

I ritually get to the ferry a little bit early, waving to Robin and welcoming him home as the ferry docks.  I feel so fortunate; after all these years we have not let ourselves take the other person for granted and we enjoy each others company to the fullest. I have to admit, it is not all rainbows and pixies, because there are definitely some things on his return that I dread. For example: his laundry, the mess that inevitably accompanies Robin, the copious amounts of food and dirty dishes ... but most of all the snoring. We donʼt even sleep in the same room and his snoring will keep me awake, now, until he goes back to camp.  But ... these things all make up Robin and I love this man!

As the ferry pulls up I can see Robin is tired from the journey and work, but he smiles as his long arm lifts high into the air and waves to me from the ferry deck. I can never get enough of looking at this man, 6ʼ4” with long hair and a grin that makes any woman weak in the knees. He makes his way up the walkway pulling his luggage, I can see that he is exhausted. But as soon as he gets to the top of the ramp he puts down his luggage and gives me one of his amazing hugs. Robin has hugging perfected, his long arms envelop and embrace me completely, and instantly I feel his love pour into me. Exhaustion from the journey and a month of working hard, makes a quiet drive home. Robin showers and gets into bed as soon as he enters the house, and I do his laundry and get everything ready to go camping tomorrow.  

As the sun comes up we head out to our “spot”, and after a 3 hours we arrive at oasis Robin's target shooting oasis. We get the camper all leveled off, targets set up and Robin starts me a fire.  This is why I love camping; I sit by the fire all day reading as he shoots. All I have to do is keep reapplying wood to the fire. We keep it low maintenance so we can look forward to returning. We eat an unhealthy diet of smokies on a bun, fruit, potato chips and some chocolate. Robin drinks his beer and I drink juice. It is lovely! There is no one around but us. We laugh ... a lot, Robin sleeps to recharge his batteries and I read and write.

After returning home, we are going to spend some time in Victoria with our daughter, Dominique, and our 1 year old grandson, Xavier. Sometimes we stay at Dominiqueʼs, but mostly we stay in a hotel, so it feels more like a vacation. It is so nice just wandering around the city and watching Xavier explore. Our family has had some rough patches in the past, but the hardships we endured have made us a very tight knit little family that includes Robin, Dominique, Xavier and myself. Of course we have extended family but this is ‘our’ family!  We know each other so well and we love each other in spite of our differences and shortcomings. This took a great amount of time, focus, counseling and perpetual work. I am so happy we made our relationships the priority over material things, because the rewards have been immense.

When in Victoria we will definitely head to the Chinese restaurant where we watch Robin devour his food. Robin absolutely loves his food. He eats a lot and very fast, then he just wants to sleep or if he isnʼt tired, we head to another restaurant. Most of our income goes to feeding Robin, so when he is working in camp, where they include the food, it's a big bonus. Everyone enjoys watching Robin eat or feeding him.  It is always a pleasure to see someone enjoy food so passionately, especially when the cook has gone to a lot of effort to prepare it.  When Robin licks his plate at the end of the meal, it is like getting a gold star.

I gained 20 pounds instantly after we got married. I told Robin I had to cut back so I didnʼt keep gaining weight. He made a curry and said, “Charlene I made this low fat for you, I only put in a quarter cup of butter.” Yes this is low fat in Robinʼs books but his food tastes so good I canʼt help but eat it. So I am a plump, happily married woman. Robin prefers me with some fat on my bones so why fight it?

Another thing we do when Robin is home is drink wine and think up another idea for one of his videos to post on his youtube channel.  He is so crazy! His mind is so out there and his ideas are so absurd, we laugh and laugh.  We laugh about the things he did in camp with his co-workers, we laugh about the things I did and we laugh about our new ideas.  Robin doesnʼt take life seriously, life is just simple, easy, and fun. 

When I start to nag Robin about something he has done or something I want him to do, he will laugh and say, “I am laughing to reduce stress”. It usually works, but not always. Trying to figure out Robinʼs brain and why and how he does stuff, drives me absolutely insane. For example: why when I open the linen cupboard is there an empty beer can there? What on earth was going through his mind that this was a good place to put his beer can?  It drives me crazy trying to figure out what and where he puts things. I have no idea, even after 17 years, how his brain works ... but at the same time, I love his brain.

When we first got married we both quit our jobs and we worked and lived together 24/7 on his metal art business. I loved seeing his thoughts come to life. I remember when I said, “you should make a cd rack”. I am thinking in my brain about vertical and horizontal lines and slots for c.d.'s, much like an ikea cd rack. I could see his thinking in process and then Robin said, “Yah I will make a skeletal structure of a snake and each rib will hold a cd.” It is amazing to me, whose brain works this way?    I made another suggestion to make a chandelier and he made an octopus with each tentacle holding a candle.  It was fantastic!

The only thing we ever argue about is him taking care of himself. I sure wish that he wouldnʼt eat so much fat in his diet, plus he drinks too much alcohol, he smokes, and he drinks the worst kind of coffee you can imagine: he takes about 3 tablespoons instant coffee, 3 tablespoons sugar and 3 tablespoons water and then swigs it back. He does this many times a day to give him instant energy. He has made it for people to try and they have told me that they feel like they are going to have a heart attack because their heart is beating so quickly.  I get so upset, I yell and tell him if he doesnʼt take care of himself he will die and leave me here alone. If he really loved me he would want to live a long healthy life with me. I couldnʼt imagine life without Robin as he is my life ... my future ... my love.

I always tell Robin, if anything ever happened to him I would never marry again for 3 reasons, 1) I know how much work it is to have a relationship, as it takes constant work every single day.  2) There would never be anyone that could replace him as he is so unique.  3) I am fulfilled and happy with the rest of my life and I wouldn’t want it to change.

I am fortunate.  I have great friends that have been part of my life even before I was married.  I have hobbies I love, and get inspired by and I am connected to my community through volunteering and work.  I really love where I live, I love being a mom and a grandma.  I adore my nephews and niece and my extended family.  I am truly a blessed woman.

I said it before but I will say it again, I LOVE MY LIFE!

Then the worst thing possible did happen. Robin died. I couldnʼt even believe it happened. I went through the whole process of grieving in a fog. My life was altered forever. 

I wrote this on my Facebook:

"It is with the deepest sadness that we announce the passing of Robin Gibbard, a most cherished son, husband, father, grandfather, uncle and best  friend.  When someone with such an amazing spirit walks the earth it feels almost impossible to say good-bye.  He was loving, generous, crazy, fun, and he had an amazing sparkle that shone so brightly.  One of his favorite sayings was, “Leave them wanting more”, and he definitely did that. Robin never left  things unsaid and for this we are eternally grateful.  Our love for Robin will never fade.  There will be a celebration of Robin's life at Badder's Beach on February 15th, 2014 at 4:30 PM.  Bring along a chair and a piece of wood to put on the fire and  we will share stories of Robin and his hilarious antics as the sun goes down."

Of course, life went on, even though I thought this extreme sadness was going to go on forever and this feeling of widowhood I carried with me would never end. My life became boring and dull without Robin.  As I got past the initial trauma, I went back to work, I got to a point where I wasn’t crying everyday anymore.  I had an underlying feeling of loss all the time but everyone said this was normal there would be a hole in my heart for the rest of my life.  I got to the point where I was functioning and wanted to know what and where I was going next.  So after a year and a half, I got on a plane and headed to the Camino;  a centuries old pilgrimage to the remains of St. James in Santiago de Compestela, in the north west coast of Spain. I set out, in hopes, that I could figure out what I was going to do with my life.

This was not easy for me. The longest I had ever been away from home was 10 days. I was terrified of getting home sick.  The only way I could get on the plane was to give myself mental permission to come home if the journey was too difficult. Change has never been something that I create, instead it is something that is thrust upon me. I tend to stay in the same circumstances forever and never leave, so as much as my life was boring it wasn't that bad, so I doubted my need for a pilgrimage. The problem was the underlying pain I felt was unbalanced compared to before Robin died. I had to do something as this pain was not my norm. I have always been easily happy. I had to go, I needed to find something to get me back to those feelings of happiness because this was no way of living.  When I lost Robin I lost my future.  I wondered if this pain would dissipate if I could map out a new future for myself and get back on the ‘happy’ track.

I started on the border of France and Spain in the little town of St. Jean de Pied de Port, on a journey to find out where I was going on the next phase of my life. “Where do I go from here” was what I want to discover.  I have to learn how to walk away from the life I love or loved but it feels so hard ... so impossible because every ounce of my being wants to be back there, where I was, where I used to be, loving life.  I have to learn to walk away from a life I love!  This is my goal!