Crossing Bridges

I decided to stay close to Victoria as my week was cut short as I had some things I had to finish up in regards to moving.  I chose Goldstream Park as I have always wanted to walk the trestle and view the waterfalls.  The fees are $35 per night to camp with no electricity but the camp sites were lovely and the grounds are very well kept, also family friendly. You are surrounded by tall trees and the birds seem to always serenade.

My first solo camping experience started with putting up my tent.  I purchased a basic tent that said could be put together in 15 minutes.  I have put up tents many times with other people with ease but being alone, I thought I should read the instructions which made me totally confused, so I crumpled them up and threw them at the fire pit. "I hate this!" I said aloud, to which I started laughing.

My cousin Amy used to come visit us every summer on Salt Spring.  She is very sweet and very agreeable.  Wanting to make my cousins visit enjoyable we would ask her what she wanted for dinner, it doesn't matter, would be her response.  Do you want tea? If you are having some, she would reply.  Do you want to go for a walk?  If you want to, she would say.

This was hard for us as we wanted to please her and make her visit memorable.  So Robin, my husband, came up with the plan that when we gave my cousin an option she had to respond with I LOVE IT, if she liked the option or say I HATE IT, when it was something she did not like. We then had fun discovering all the things she loved and hated.  Robin and I would always think of my cousin whenever either of us said, "I LOVE IT" or "I HATE IT".

I knew that putting up a tent shouldn't be too hard on my own so I took a breath and looked at the tent logically and put it together with ease.

I then settled in and fell asleep to peace and tranquility.  After having a wonderful night sleep, I was awoken early by the crows, whom I think did not want any camper to miss the dawn.  After rising I headed to the waterfall, which was a very nice way to start the day.

I then followed the railway track to the trestle which is about an hour walk each way.  I love where my mind goes as I begin to walk for a distance on my own.  Following the railway track I thought of my experiences on trains in the past such as; going on the Royal Hudson Steam Train with my moms family when I was young; or the times we went to White Rock and put our ear to the rail to see if the train was coming, then we would put a coin on the track and wait till the train passed to find our flattened penny.  As a teenager we went on a fun high school trip by train to Lilloet; then when I married Robin he loved model railways so we always made our way to see such displays and on our 10 year anniversary we took a train ride in Alaska.

I contemplated all the different ways there are to gain understanding or to "know" the railroad.  You could prepare the way for the railroad or you can help build a train.  You can learn the ins and outs of an engine and become an engineer and drive a train or you could ride the rails.  Do you think then you would have a total understanding of the railroad?  I asked my self.  What about someone obsessed with railroads that may have never been on a train but watches as the trains go by and learns all the facts there are to know about trains, making model trains in his spare time?

I contemplated that for awhile as I stepped on every other railroad tie.

To "know" something isn't just to have to understanding but to experience it from many different perspectives.  Experience and understanding are two different things; as one person may have gone on their honeymoon on a train and another person may have gotten hit by a train and their experiences would be completely different.  Their perception or experience of the railroad would be polar opposites.

My train of thought....brought me to my job as palliative care worker and then to death.  Isn't it true that we can never compare each other's experience to death as there are no two experiences that are the same.  It starts with our understanding and that is topped by experience.

I love my job, working with people who are dying.  I feel so honoured to be with families during this transition.  It is such a special time in families as you hear the wonderful stories and you get to be there to support them into the transition of the unknown.  The love that surrounds individuals during these last savoured moments fills the spaces where I work.

I love working around death as it reminds me that it is the destiny of every single person walking this earth, me included.  Through each death I support I am reminded to indulge in life every day and cherish the time I spend with the people I love, as all our time is limited.

My experience around death when it has effected me personally is completely different.  I HATE IT!  Each person who has died in my life I have hated their absence for different reasons.  Robin as he was supposed to be my life partner, my first boyfriend, Zoel and my first best friend, Debbie as they were the connection to my childhood and youth disappearing, my grandparents as they made me feel so loved just as I am, my friend Kelly as it seemed so unfair.  Actually all deaths have a feeling of not being fair.  I also HATE seeing the people I love in pain from the loss of their loved one's.

With thoughts still racing in my head I arrived at the trestle, (from my reading is actually a cantilever style bridge but people call it the trestle).

The bridge extends over a very high gorge which terrified me to walk on but as I looked down at the spaces between the ties to the gorge below, my common sense told me there was no way my foot, let alone my chubby body could fall through.

So slowly and over-cautiously, I arrived at the centre and asked someone to take a photo, as proof of my bravery.

Below the trestle is another waterfall but I had been there a previous time so headed back to my campsite to read and relax.

Packing up early the next day I headed to Salt Spring then Youbou to see my mom and store some things in her shed.  At my mom's I learned that my cousin was sent to the palliative care ward at the hospital.  I was completely shocked.  My cousin was getting better, she had been struggling with cancer for the last 2 years but she always recovered.  Why would they put her there.  My cousin is so young and full of life and surrounded by soooo many people that love her.  There is no way palliative is the right place for her.  I could not and can not imagine my sweet cousin not living, and living a long time.

My mom is the oldest of nine and my cousin's dad is the youngest of nine so my Uncle and Aunt are only 9 years older than I am which is way too young to loose a child.  Actually any age is too young!!  It is not the right order of things!!  I can't even imagine how hard this must be for them to face this horrible reality, I will not even let my thoughts go in such a sad direction.  All my thoughts and prayers go to my Uncle and Aunt and Amy's brother right now.

Leaving my moms house I made a detour for a walk to think and process the news I received, this time at the Kinsol Trestle.  There is not even a railroad leading to this old wooden trestle as it is now a park and part of the Trans-Canada trail.  The trestle was easy to walk on as it has a solid surface with no slates like the last trestle plus there is a high security railing.

I pondered what this meant as I walked across this solid and strong bridge.

The longer I live the more varied my experiences will be especially in terms of death as everyone I know will die, before or after me, but it should go in an order...oldest to youngest!  My grandma lived to 92 and she said the hardest thing is all your friends die.  Living a long life means you out live many people you care about.

Feeling the solid surface below my feet with no fear of falling through the ties I listened for my message and looked for a sign.  Could it mean that my cousin's faith is strong and her faith will easily help her make her crossing over the divide between life and death? Or could it mean ... the solid faith of all of us who love my cousin can heal her completely and get her over this current struggle safely?

There is nothing I want more in life right now than to witness a miracle for my cousin and for her to feel how much we all love her.  I think a good experience would be to see a miracle.  I really want that experience.

There are no instructions that come with life even though many books are written on the subject.  I am perpetually having to feel my way through this thing called life, just like everyone else.  Even when two people are confronted with exactly the same situation there are different outcomes, a book may work for one person and not another.

I can only pray and hope for the outcomes I want, even if the outcomes I have received in the past are not what I could have imagined or wanted.  My job is to keep imagining the loving, peaceful and joyous outcomes because preparing my brain for the worst never makes the worst any easier.  So I imagine playing the "I love it and I hate it" game with my cousin in the future.  I imagine laughing with her....lots of laughing!

Whatever bridge we are faced with, we will cross that bridge when it comes, whether it is easy or hard. So now my walks will head to the mainland and I'll go have some laughs with my cousin.

Chapter 4 - I want to Run but I Need to Stay

May 4th - Day 4

Robin used to sing me the song, "don't drink, don't smoke, what do ya do?".  Robin smoked very passionately, he lived for his cider, and in the last while his light beer.  Every other word that came out of his mouth was a swear word; and he drank coffee like it was water. I already told you about the sludge Robin drank about 5-6 times a day (equal parts of instant coffee, sugar and water).  He had all the bad habits so I didn't have to.  He also ate butter and greasy food as his staple.  I had to learn early on in our relationship that this was just Robin, and there was no way I was going to change him.  I am not a drinker, a smoker and I don't drink coffee, so I could never understand the urgency or desperation.

Robin and I planned to go up the Grouse Grind, an intense hike up Grouse Mountain with our friends Kim and Colin.  I was bragging that he would die going up the mountain as he doesn’t take care of himself, and I would zoom past him due to my healthy lifestyle.  Robin had a cigarette at the base of the hike, frustrated, I suggested the other hikers tell him how bad it is to smoke in this healthy environment.  He went ahead with Colin and Kim and I walked together.  Then half way up he stopped and had another cigarette.  As I approached him I gasped and between breaths I said, “Robin, please, don’t, smoke, I, have, no, energy, to, complain.  He sauntered up the Grind like it was nothing and then at the top he had another cigarette, while I collapsed on the ground.

Zubiri to Pamplona - 21.2 km

I get up when the first person rises and I think it is about 5:00 am. I head to the washrooms which are co-ed. It feels so strange to be brushing my teeth with this man standing beside me. I say “Hola”, he says “Hola”, I have no idea where he is from and luckily he isnʼt into conversation in the morning. Every time I walk into the bathroom I feel like I have gone into the wrong one, it will take me awhile to get used to this co-ed washroom thingy.

The sun is just starting to come up as I head out on my own. The terrain is up and down and up and down but mainly down. I worry about Laura coming behind me as I know the downward slopes will be hard on her knees. I spend a lot of time thinking about how she is going to do this journey. I wish I was there to support her and help her through the slopes. There are so many people and they are doing it. I am sure she will be fine as well. I should not worry.

G a Korean actor limps past me and said that he hurt his knee. I give him some vitamin C powder and let him know this speeds the healing properties of his body. We part ways and I feel better. I know there will be other people on the journey to help Laura over her hurdles just as I was here to help G, ever so slightly.

I still have no camera to take pictures of my ventures, I think I could use it as my memory. Many people pass and I ask them where they are from and they remind me that we have met before. I feel so embarrassed. Everyone looks the same. I am still in a fog and not wanting to meet anyone. The people all seem so nice, but whenever I talk to them I feel so sad.  Their presence triggers me and they have not done a thing to hurt me, they have only been nice.  Why am I doing this, who walks 800 km's?  This is a crazy venture.  I wish I could be in Santiago without having to walk, I could get on a bus and not have to do any of the work.  I could...but I really don't want to, I want to do the work.

I have no idea how far I will make it today. Everyone kind of follows the guide book and they all get to the same places. I have the guide book but I am not so much into going more then 20 km a day but there are larger albergues in the destinations laid out in the book. It is so strange as I donʼt even know these people but I have a pull to keep up with them. Even though I donʼt want to talk to them it is still nice to see familiar faces.  

I start the day with no idea of how far I will get but I make it as far as Pamplona. It seems like an interesting city, it is where they do the running of the bulls.  I am happy I made it all the way here. In the guide book people go further but when I get my bed in the albergue I see so many familiar faces. The same Spanish couple that was beside me last night is 2 bunk beds down. There is an Italian man that came in late last night here and the Brazilian that was at the albergue yesterday before it opened is here again and I am in the same section as 3 of his friends. There is 100 beds in this section and they are divided with little walls of 2 bunk-beds in each little l-cove. Feels strange to be bunking with 3 other men but they are all very nice. Even though we canʼt speak the same language, we get along well.

It is surprising to run into the same people but I guess we are all on the same journey together so I shouldnʼt be so shocked. It is nice to see the familiar faces, even though I donʼt have to go as far as the guide book says I think I am going to do the distance recommended as it is really nice to see the see the same pilgrims. My feet wonʼt like it but it makes me feel more secure so that makes it worth the added discomfort of my feet.

After siesta I found a store where I could purchase a camera to help me remember this journey I was undertaking.  With camera in hand I people watched in the city square while I had dinner alone then I explored the streets and went to the museum.  Returning to the Albergue I felt like I was going home.  This lifestyle is beginning to feel comfortable.

I Want to Run but I Need to Stay

When Robin died, it was so hard going to town and seeing everyone that looked familiar. I felt like moving away and never coming back but this familiarity also was comforting. It was like a big comfy quilt of emotional pain. It tore me in two different directions. It was so painful but at the same time so comfortable. I didnʼt have to put on a happy face, people knew I was struggling and why I was so sad. They also felt my pain as they missed Robin too. He brought so much happiness to peoples lives just with the little interactions he had with them in town. They knew what a huge hole that was in my life and they were empathetic.

But sometimes it was hard as I would be having a good day and all cheery driving to town and then I would go grocery shopping and someone would say how sorry they were for me and I would be reminded that my life sucked. So it was a continual roller coaster ride. Up and down and up and down but mainly down. 

I worried about my daughter and nephews and how they were handling this huge loss in their lives. I wanted to help them heal but I couldnʼt from my own place of pain. I just had to have faith and know that there will be people in their lives who will help them on their own journey. We all have a challenging path ahead of us. I have to have faith that my daughter and nephews who loved Robin so much will get through this journey without my help. I sure hope they will and every time I enter a church I light a candle and say a little prayer for them.

I wanted this emotional pain over and I wanted it over instantly.  I felt desperate.  I had no desire to wait and move through the process of grieving.  This feeling shocked me, if this is what desperation feels like then why would Robin inflict this on himself every day.  To create a world where he needed something instantly to make himself feel better.  Desperation is a horrible feeling, my mantra changed to,  “I want be be rid of this pain NOW!”  Sometimes I wish I had negative coping mechanisms.  I wish I drank or smoked or did things to cover up these feeling.  I wish there was a magic pill to move through grief without the work!  

Walking Away From a Life I Love - The Introduction

The Life I Lived 

I love my life ... I love my life ... I love  my life!

This is my mantra as I drive along the winding roads of our island home, to pick up Robin from the ferry. Robin, my husband of 17 years works out of town for as long as a month, then comes home for a week or so.  My work schedule, fortunately gives me the flexibility to be entirely available for fun when he returns.  Tomorrow we will go camping in our 4x4 truck and camper, down an old logging roads on Vancouver Island.  The peace and tranquility is shared only with the elk, bear, birds and cougars. Wilderness camping in luxury!

I ritually get to the ferry a little bit early, waving to Robin and welcoming him home as the ferry docks.  I feel so fortunate; after all these years we have not let ourselves take the other person for granted and we enjoy each others company to the fullest. I have to admit, it is not all rainbows and pixies, because there are definitely some things on his return that I dread. For example: his laundry, the mess that inevitably accompanies Robin, the copious amounts of food and dirty dishes ... but most of all the snoring. We donʼt even sleep in the same room and his snoring will keep me awake, now, until he goes back to camp.  But ... these things all make up Robin and I love this man!

As the ferry pulls up I can see Robin is tired from the journey and work, but he smiles as his long arm lifts high into the air and waves to me from the ferry deck. I can never get enough of looking at this man, 6ʼ4” with long hair and a grin that makes any woman weak in the knees. He makes his way up the walkway pulling his luggage, I can see that he is exhausted. But as soon as he gets to the top of the ramp he puts down his luggage and gives me one of his amazing hugs. Robin has hugging perfected, his long arms envelop and embrace me completely, and instantly I feel his love pour into me. Exhaustion from the journey and a month of working hard, makes a quiet drive home. Robin showers and gets into bed as soon as he enters the house, and I do his laundry and get everything ready to go camping tomorrow.  

As the sun comes up we head out to our “spot”, and after a 3 hours we arrive at oasis Robin's target shooting oasis. We get the camper all leveled off, targets set up and Robin starts me a fire.  This is why I love camping; I sit by the fire all day reading as he shoots. All I have to do is keep reapplying wood to the fire. We keep it low maintenance so we can look forward to returning. We eat an unhealthy diet of smokies on a bun, fruit, potato chips and some chocolate. Robin drinks his beer and I drink juice. It is lovely! There is no one around but us. We laugh ... a lot, Robin sleeps to recharge his batteries and I read and write.

After returning home, we are going to spend some time in Victoria with our daughter, Dominique, and our 1 year old grandson, Xavier. Sometimes we stay at Dominiqueʼs, but mostly we stay in a hotel, so it feels more like a vacation. It is so nice just wandering around the city and watching Xavier explore. Our family has had some rough patches in the past, but the hardships we endured have made us a very tight knit little family that includes Robin, Dominique, Xavier and myself. Of course we have extended family but this is ‘our’ family!  We know each other so well and we love each other in spite of our differences and shortcomings. This took a great amount of time, focus, counseling and perpetual work. I am so happy we made our relationships the priority over material things, because the rewards have been immense.

When in Victoria we will definitely head to the Chinese restaurant where we watch Robin devour his food. Robin absolutely loves his food. He eats a lot and very fast, then he just wants to sleep or if he isnʼt tired, we head to another restaurant. Most of our income goes to feeding Robin, so when he is working in camp, where they include the food, it's a big bonus. Everyone enjoys watching Robin eat or feeding him.  It is always a pleasure to see someone enjoy food so passionately, especially when the cook has gone to a lot of effort to prepare it.  When Robin licks his plate at the end of the meal, it is like getting a gold star.

I gained 20 pounds instantly after we got married. I told Robin I had to cut back so I didnʼt keep gaining weight. He made a curry and said, “Charlene I made this low fat for you, I only put in a quarter cup of butter.” Yes this is low fat in Robinʼs books but his food tastes so good I canʼt help but eat it. So I am a plump, happily married woman. Robin prefers me with some fat on my bones so why fight it?

Another thing we do when Robin is home is drink wine and think up another idea for one of his videos to post on his youtube channel.  He is so crazy! His mind is so out there and his ideas are so absurd, we laugh and laugh.  We laugh about the things he did in camp with his co-workers, we laugh about the things I did and we laugh about our new ideas.  Robin doesnʼt take life seriously, life is just simple, easy, and fun. 

When I start to nag Robin about something he has done or something I want him to do, he will laugh and say, “I am laughing to reduce stress”. It usually works, but not always. Trying to figure out Robinʼs brain and why and how he does stuff, drives me absolutely insane. For example: why when I open the linen cupboard is there an empty beer can there? What on earth was going through his mind that this was a good place to put his beer can?  It drives me crazy trying to figure out what and where he puts things. I have no idea, even after 17 years, how his brain works ... but at the same time, I love his brain.

When we first got married we both quit our jobs and we worked and lived together 24/7 on his metal art business. I loved seeing his thoughts come to life. I remember when I said, “you should make a cd rack”. I am thinking in my brain about vertical and horizontal lines and slots for c.d.'s, much like an ikea cd rack. I could see his thinking in process and then Robin said, “Yah I will make a skeletal structure of a snake and each rib will hold a cd.” It is amazing to me, whose brain works this way?    I made another suggestion to make a chandelier and he made an octopus with each tentacle holding a candle.  It was fantastic!

The only thing we ever argue about is him taking care of himself. I sure wish that he wouldnʼt eat so much fat in his diet, plus he drinks too much alcohol, he smokes, and he drinks the worst kind of coffee you can imagine: he takes about 3 tablespoons instant coffee, 3 tablespoons sugar and 3 tablespoons water and then swigs it back. He does this many times a day to give him instant energy. He has made it for people to try and they have told me that they feel like they are going to have a heart attack because their heart is beating so quickly.  I get so upset, I yell and tell him if he doesnʼt take care of himself he will die and leave me here alone. If he really loved me he would want to live a long healthy life with me. I couldnʼt imagine life without Robin as he is my life ... my future ... my love.

I always tell Robin, if anything ever happened to him I would never marry again for 3 reasons, 1) I know how much work it is to have a relationship, as it takes constant work every single day.  2) There would never be anyone that could replace him as he is so unique.  3) I am fulfilled and happy with the rest of my life and I wouldn’t want it to change.

I am fortunate.  I have great friends that have been part of my life even before I was married.  I have hobbies I love, and get inspired by and I am connected to my community through volunteering and work.  I really love where I live, I love being a mom and a grandma.  I adore my nephews and niece and my extended family.  I am truly a blessed woman.

I said it before but I will say it again, I LOVE MY LIFE!

Then the worst thing possible did happen. Robin died. I couldnʼt even believe it happened. I went through the whole process of grieving in a fog. My life was altered forever. 

I wrote this on my Facebook:

"It is with the deepest sadness that we announce the passing of Robin Gibbard, a most cherished son, husband, father, grandfather, uncle and best  friend.  When someone with such an amazing spirit walks the earth it feels almost impossible to say good-bye.  He was loving, generous, crazy, fun, and he had an amazing sparkle that shone so brightly.  One of his favorite sayings was, “Leave them wanting more”, and he definitely did that. Robin never left  things unsaid and for this we are eternally grateful.  Our love for Robin will never fade.  There will be a celebration of Robin's life at Badder's Beach on February 15th, 2014 at 4:30 PM.  Bring along a chair and a piece of wood to put on the fire and  we will share stories of Robin and his hilarious antics as the sun goes down."

Of course, life went on, even though I thought this extreme sadness was going to go on forever and this feeling of widowhood I carried with me would never end. My life became boring and dull without Robin.  As I got past the initial trauma, I went back to work, I got to a point where I wasn’t crying everyday anymore.  I had an underlying feeling of loss all the time but everyone said this was normal there would be a hole in my heart for the rest of my life.  I got to the point where I was functioning and wanted to know what and where I was going next.  So after a year and a half, I got on a plane and headed to the Camino;  a centuries old pilgrimage to the remains of St. James in Santiago de Compestela, in the north west coast of Spain. I set out, in hopes, that I could figure out what I was going to do with my life.

This was not easy for me. The longest I had ever been away from home was 10 days. I was terrified of getting home sick.  The only way I could get on the plane was to give myself mental permission to come home if the journey was too difficult. Change has never been something that I create, instead it is something that is thrust upon me. I tend to stay in the same circumstances forever and never leave, so as much as my life was boring it wasn't that bad, so I doubted my need for a pilgrimage. The problem was the underlying pain I felt was unbalanced compared to before Robin died. I had to do something as this pain was not my norm. I have always been easily happy. I had to go, I needed to find something to get me back to those feelings of happiness because this was no way of living.  When I lost Robin I lost my future.  I wondered if this pain would dissipate if I could map out a new future for myself and get back on the ‘happy’ track.

I started on the border of France and Spain in the little town of St. Jean de Pied de Port, on a journey to find out where I was going on the next phase of my life. “Where do I go from here” was what I want to discover.  I have to learn how to walk away from the life I love or loved but it feels so hard ... so impossible because every ounce of my being wants to be back there, where I was, where I used to be, loving life.  I have to learn to walk away from a life I love!  This is my goal!