Day 5 - Seeing How Far I Have Come

May 5th - Day 5

Food was a huge part of Robin's life.  He was hypoglycemic so needed to eat regularly.  When Robin took me to go see his mom and step dad in Australia the flight was 18 hours long.  Robin already knew he wasn't going to be able to smoke so eating often was critical to help him have a stable mood for the flight.  When we went to the travel agent we told her that Robin was hypoglycemic and to tag him on the passenger list. 

When we boarded the plane Robin was already feeling the need for a cigarette but then the flight attendant brought him a meal before anyone else.  Of course this pleased Robin but then he noticed they noted that he was diabetic not hypoglycemic.  There was no sugar in the meals and they were quite bland.  

After he finished his meal he called over the flight attendant and told them about the misunderstanding.  He said what he needed was to eat a lot.  Well the Quantis staff definitely heard him, they brought him meal after meal after meal. It was phenomenal food.  Then a different flight attendant came over and said 14C, they said I was suppose to come over and see for myself.  Robin had a stack of finished meal trays piled on top of each other.  He was eating beyond anything they had ever seen, they were dumb founded.  

They handed out stickers to the passengers that said "wake me for meals".  Robin made sure his was displayed and his meal enjoyment was repeated again and again.  When we walked off the plane he asked the staff where the closest restaurant was, they gave him directions in amazement.  This he did just for a reaction as he was stuffed.  He wore his sticker "wake me for meals" on his hard hat with pride to work.

There are so many stories of Robin and food I could write a whole book just on this subject alone.  He was definitely someone who lived to eat!

Pamplona to Puento La Reina - 24.1 km 

The Brazilians warned me about their friend and that he snored, even he warned me. I made sure to put in ear plugs but it didnʼt help. I was awake what felt like all night. I sure wish I had brought a watch then at least when I woke up I wouldnʼt be laying there waiting for the first person to start packing up. Also I wish I would have brought my phone. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. There are only a few people that I have crossed paths with that have no phone, at night all you can see is the haze of phones on peoples faces as they connect with their loved ones at home.

So I get up around 5:00 and pack up and start walking. The city is dark and lit by the street lights, this morning it is brisk, with the temperature hovering around zero. As the sun comes up I start to see the storm clouds come in. I prepare my pack by covering it with the waterproof shell. There are a few sprinkles but nothing to get wet but it makes for refreshing walking weather. As I pass by the wheat fields the wind is beginning to move the crop like an ocean waves. I stop every once and awhile to feel the wind on my face and watch the dance between the wind and the wheat. I feel very fortunate and blessed for giving myself this time.

There is another steep climb today, with the storm clouds coming in I am worried that it is going to be the same as the first day. But as I begin to climb the storm clouds begin to scatter and am only left with a refreshing wind. Summiting the climb amongst the wind turbines there is an amazing view and I am blown away with how far I have travelled. I can see the Pyrenees far in the distance. It is so rewarding seeing how far I have come taking one step at a time, I am satisfied but tired.

The descent is much harder than the ascent, it was rocky and rough and very easy to sprain an ankle. I am over cautious and slow. Also on the other side of the slope the climate has completely changed. It is like I started the day in Spring and ended it in Summer. The foliage and everything is different, now there was Aloe plants and olive groves and the odd lizard scurries across the path.

I get the albergue which was an old convent in good timing so go through my pack to see what I really need and don't need. All the accommodations have pillows and it has been reasonably warm so I leave behind this down vest and a touque. The Canadian family I walked up the Pyrenees is here, it is nice to chat to people from home especially as they are from the Vancouver area.

I walked around town and then went for dinner. I sat alone and watched the people go by. There wasnʼt much room so a young German man named Joseph asked to join me. This is the first person that I have sat and had a conversation with. Everyone else was idle chatter as we passed. It was interesting to hear about his life.  We waited what felt like eternity to even order our meal. There is only one waitress for the whole restaurant. I really donʼt have any clue what I am ordering so it is a surprise when I eventually get it, but  everyone is surprised as she has all the orders wrong. We were like donʼt worry, it doesnʼt matter, just give me some food. There were 3 tables outside and we all laughed about the service. There were Dutch, New Zealand, German and myself Canadian. I left the dinner ready for bed but feeling more comfortable talking to people. As I made my way to the convent I was stopped by Victoria the Spanish woman who bunked beside me for the last two nights. She was stopping walking and going back to work but she gave me her e-mail and phone number in Spain if I needed help with anything. I canʼt believe how nice this felt to be taken care of. I had done no reaching out and yet people were reaching out to me. Victoria and Joseph were my angels today.

Feeling the different types of grieving

Five months after my husband died my first boyfriend whom I dated from the time I was 15 - 20 years old died. I was so scared going to his funeral and seeing his family that I was going to be back at square one emotionally. I was worried I was going to feel the same devastation and turbulence in my life again.

I went there early to spend time with the family and I could instantly feel the difference. Zoel and I talked about once a year to catch up and see how each others lives were doing and of course there is always Facebook to see what is going on. My life did not change with Zoelʼs absence. It is his families lives that were now changing. He was a part of my life but not my everyday life. My life stayed the same. I was able to go to the memorial with great appreciation for his part in my life. But now it was his family that was hit hard. I witnessed through their pain how far I had come on my journey of grief seeing their pain now so raw and recent.

 At home I had to get back to work, I now had to start to support myself all on my own. My new future was completely different then my past with Robin. I could now pull myself together enough to finish a full day of work without falling apart. I had the best jobs for where I was in this grieving process. I work with older people and people with disabilities. Both groups of people live fully in the moment.

When Robin died I didnʼt want people around. I felt like staying in my little house and never leaving. I had to go to work but then I would just come home and cry. I had so many people reaching out to help me and wanting nothing in return. I felt so comforted. It was hard to be around people but there efforts never went unnoticed.  I couldn’t eat at all.  I lost so much weight.  Food used to be such a huge part of my live with Robin and now I wasn’t eating.  I had to force myself to eat vegetables and fruit as I knew they were important.  But as the time moved forward a bit I started to get my appetite back again.  I was able to talk to people about how I felt.  I was able to sit down and talk and eat and start to differentiate between the different ways I was feeling, all the feelings weren’t all clumped into one dreadful feeling anymore.  Life was moving forward without Robin.

Chapter 4 - I want to Run but I Need to Stay

May 4th - Day 4

Robin used to sing me the song, "don't drink, don't smoke, what do ya do?".  Robin smoked very passionately, he lived for his cider, and in the last while his light beer.  Every other word that came out of his mouth was a swear word; and he drank coffee like it was water. I already told you about the sludge Robin drank about 5-6 times a day (equal parts of instant coffee, sugar and water).  He had all the bad habits so I didn't have to.  He also ate butter and greasy food as his staple.  I had to learn early on in our relationship that this was just Robin, and there was no way I was going to change him.  I am not a drinker, a smoker and I don't drink coffee, so I could never understand the urgency or desperation.

Robin and I planned to go up the Grouse Grind, an intense hike up Grouse Mountain with our friends Kim and Colin.  I was bragging that he would die going up the mountain as he doesn’t take care of himself, and I would zoom past him due to my healthy lifestyle.  Robin had a cigarette at the base of the hike, frustrated, I suggested the other hikers tell him how bad it is to smoke in this healthy environment.  He went ahead with Colin and Kim and I walked together.  Then half way up he stopped and had another cigarette.  As I approached him I gasped and between breaths I said, “Robin, please, don’t, smoke, I, have, no, energy, to, complain.  He sauntered up the Grind like it was nothing and then at the top he had another cigarette, while I collapsed on the ground.

Zubiri to Pamplona - 21.2 km

I get up when the first person rises and I think it is about 5:00 am. I head to the washrooms which are co-ed. It feels so strange to be brushing my teeth with this man standing beside me. I say “Hola”, he says “Hola”, I have no idea where he is from and luckily he isnʼt into conversation in the morning. Every time I walk into the bathroom I feel like I have gone into the wrong one, it will take me awhile to get used to this co-ed washroom thingy.

The sun is just starting to come up as I head out on my own. The terrain is up and down and up and down but mainly down. I worry about Laura coming behind me as I know the downward slopes will be hard on her knees. I spend a lot of time thinking about how she is going to do this journey. I wish I was there to support her and help her through the slopes. There are so many people and they are doing it. I am sure she will be fine as well. I should not worry.

G a Korean actor limps past me and said that he hurt his knee. I give him some vitamin C powder and let him know this speeds the healing properties of his body. We part ways and I feel better. I know there will be other people on the journey to help Laura over her hurdles just as I was here to help G, ever so slightly.

I still have no camera to take pictures of my ventures, I think I could use it as my memory. Many people pass and I ask them where they are from and they remind me that we have met before. I feel so embarrassed. Everyone looks the same. I am still in a fog and not wanting to meet anyone. The people all seem so nice, but whenever I talk to them I feel so sad.  Their presence triggers me and they have not done a thing to hurt me, they have only been nice.  Why am I doing this, who walks 800 km's?  This is a crazy venture.  I wish I could be in Santiago without having to walk, I could get on a bus and not have to do any of the work.  I could...but I really don't want to, I want to do the work.

I have no idea how far I will make it today. Everyone kind of follows the guide book and they all get to the same places. I have the guide book but I am not so much into going more then 20 km a day but there are larger albergues in the destinations laid out in the book. It is so strange as I donʼt even know these people but I have a pull to keep up with them. Even though I donʼt want to talk to them it is still nice to see familiar faces.  

I start the day with no idea of how far I will get but I make it as far as Pamplona. It seems like an interesting city, it is where they do the running of the bulls.  I am happy I made it all the way here. In the guide book people go further but when I get my bed in the albergue I see so many familiar faces. The same Spanish couple that was beside me last night is 2 bunk beds down. There is an Italian man that came in late last night here and the Brazilian that was at the albergue yesterday before it opened is here again and I am in the same section as 3 of his friends. There is 100 beds in this section and they are divided with little walls of 2 bunk-beds in each little l-cove. Feels strange to be bunking with 3 other men but they are all very nice. Even though we canʼt speak the same language, we get along well.

It is surprising to run into the same people but I guess we are all on the same journey together so I shouldnʼt be so shocked. It is nice to see the familiar faces, even though I donʼt have to go as far as the guide book says I think I am going to do the distance recommended as it is really nice to see the see the same pilgrims. My feet wonʼt like it but it makes me feel more secure so that makes it worth the added discomfort of my feet.

After siesta I found a store where I could purchase a camera to help me remember this journey I was undertaking.  With camera in hand I people watched in the city square while I had dinner alone then I explored the streets and went to the museum.  Returning to the Albergue I felt like I was going home.  This lifestyle is beginning to feel comfortable.

I Want to Run but I Need to Stay

When Robin died, it was so hard going to town and seeing everyone that looked familiar. I felt like moving away and never coming back but this familiarity also was comforting. It was like a big comfy quilt of emotional pain. It tore me in two different directions. It was so painful but at the same time so comfortable. I didnʼt have to put on a happy face, people knew I was struggling and why I was so sad. They also felt my pain as they missed Robin too. He brought so much happiness to peoples lives just with the little interactions he had with them in town. They knew what a huge hole that was in my life and they were empathetic.

But sometimes it was hard as I would be having a good day and all cheery driving to town and then I would go grocery shopping and someone would say how sorry they were for me and I would be reminded that my life sucked. So it was a continual roller coaster ride. Up and down and up and down but mainly down. 

I worried about my daughter and nephews and how they were handling this huge loss in their lives. I wanted to help them heal but I couldnʼt from my own place of pain. I just had to have faith and know that there will be people in their lives who will help them on their own journey. We all have a challenging path ahead of us. I have to have faith that my daughter and nephews who loved Robin so much will get through this journey without my help. I sure hope they will and every time I enter a church I light a candle and say a little prayer for them.

I wanted this emotional pain over and I wanted it over instantly.  I felt desperate.  I had no desire to wait and move through the process of grieving.  This feeling shocked me, if this is what desperation feels like then why would Robin inflict this on himself every day.  To create a world where he needed something instantly to make himself feel better.  Desperation is a horrible feeling, my mantra changed to,  “I want be be rid of this pain NOW!”  Sometimes I wish I had negative coping mechanisms.  I wish I drank or smoked or did things to cover up these feeling.  I wish there was a magic pill to move through grief without the work!