Day 5 - Seeing How Far I Have Come

May 5th - Day 5

Food was a huge part of Robin's life.  He was hypoglycemic so needed to eat regularly.  When Robin took me to go see his mom and step dad in Australia the flight was 18 hours long.  Robin already knew he wasn't going to be able to smoke so eating often was critical to help him have a stable mood for the flight.  When we went to the travel agent we told her that Robin was hypoglycemic and to tag him on the passenger list. 

When we boarded the plane Robin was already feeling the need for a cigarette but then the flight attendant brought him a meal before anyone else.  Of course this pleased Robin but then he noticed they noted that he was diabetic not hypoglycemic.  There was no sugar in the meals and they were quite bland.  

After he finished his meal he called over the flight attendant and told them about the misunderstanding.  He said what he needed was to eat a lot.  Well the Quantis staff definitely heard him, they brought him meal after meal after meal. It was phenomenal food.  Then a different flight attendant came over and said 14C, they said I was suppose to come over and see for myself.  Robin had a stack of finished meal trays piled on top of each other.  He was eating beyond anything they had ever seen, they were dumb founded.  

They handed out stickers to the passengers that said "wake me for meals".  Robin made sure his was displayed and his meal enjoyment was repeated again and again.  When we walked off the plane he asked the staff where the closest restaurant was, they gave him directions in amazement.  This he did just for a reaction as he was stuffed.  He wore his sticker "wake me for meals" on his hard hat with pride to work.

There are so many stories of Robin and food I could write a whole book just on this subject alone.  He was definitely someone who lived to eat!

Pamplona to Puento La Reina - 24.1 km 

The Brazilians warned me about their friend and that he snored, even he warned me. I made sure to put in ear plugs but it didnʼt help. I was awake what felt like all night. I sure wish I had brought a watch then at least when I woke up I wouldnʼt be laying there waiting for the first person to start packing up. Also I wish I would have brought my phone. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. There are only a few people that I have crossed paths with that have no phone, at night all you can see is the haze of phones on peoples faces as they connect with their loved ones at home.

So I get up around 5:00 and pack up and start walking. The city is dark and lit by the street lights, this morning it is brisk, with the temperature hovering around zero. As the sun comes up I start to see the storm clouds come in. I prepare my pack by covering it with the waterproof shell. There are a few sprinkles but nothing to get wet but it makes for refreshing walking weather. As I pass by the wheat fields the wind is beginning to move the crop like an ocean waves. I stop every once and awhile to feel the wind on my face and watch the dance between the wind and the wheat. I feel very fortunate and blessed for giving myself this time.

There is another steep climb today, with the storm clouds coming in I am worried that it is going to be the same as the first day. But as I begin to climb the storm clouds begin to scatter and am only left with a refreshing wind. Summiting the climb amongst the wind turbines there is an amazing view and I am blown away with how far I have travelled. I can see the Pyrenees far in the distance. It is so rewarding seeing how far I have come taking one step at a time, I am satisfied but tired.

The descent is much harder than the ascent, it was rocky and rough and very easy to sprain an ankle. I am over cautious and slow. Also on the other side of the slope the climate has completely changed. It is like I started the day in Spring and ended it in Summer. The foliage and everything is different, now there was Aloe plants and olive groves and the odd lizard scurries across the path.

I get the albergue which was an old convent in good timing so go through my pack to see what I really need and don't need. All the accommodations have pillows and it has been reasonably warm so I leave behind this down vest and a touque. The Canadian family I walked up the Pyrenees is here, it is nice to chat to people from home especially as they are from the Vancouver area.

I walked around town and then went for dinner. I sat alone and watched the people go by. There wasnʼt much room so a young German man named Joseph asked to join me. This is the first person that I have sat and had a conversation with. Everyone else was idle chatter as we passed. It was interesting to hear about his life.  We waited what felt like eternity to even order our meal. There is only one waitress for the whole restaurant. I really donʼt have any clue what I am ordering so it is a surprise when I eventually get it, but  everyone is surprised as she has all the orders wrong. We were like donʼt worry, it doesnʼt matter, just give me some food. There were 3 tables outside and we all laughed about the service. There were Dutch, New Zealand, German and myself Canadian. I left the dinner ready for bed but feeling more comfortable talking to people. As I made my way to the convent I was stopped by Victoria the Spanish woman who bunked beside me for the last two nights. She was stopping walking and going back to work but she gave me her e-mail and phone number in Spain if I needed help with anything. I canʼt believe how nice this felt to be taken care of. I had done no reaching out and yet people were reaching out to me. Victoria and Joseph were my angels today.

Feeling the different types of grieving

Five months after my husband died my first boyfriend whom I dated from the time I was 15 - 20 years old died. I was so scared going to his funeral and seeing his family that I was going to be back at square one emotionally. I was worried I was going to feel the same devastation and turbulence in my life again.

I went there early to spend time with the family and I could instantly feel the difference. Zoel and I talked about once a year to catch up and see how each others lives were doing and of course there is always Facebook to see what is going on. My life did not change with Zoelʼs absence. It is his families lives that were now changing. He was a part of my life but not my everyday life. My life stayed the same. I was able to go to the memorial with great appreciation for his part in my life. But now it was his family that was hit hard. I witnessed through their pain how far I had come on my journey of grief seeing their pain now so raw and recent.

 At home I had to get back to work, I now had to start to support myself all on my own. My new future was completely different then my past with Robin. I could now pull myself together enough to finish a full day of work without falling apart. I had the best jobs for where I was in this grieving process. I work with older people and people with disabilities. Both groups of people live fully in the moment.

When Robin died I didnʼt want people around. I felt like staying in my little house and never leaving. I had to go to work but then I would just come home and cry. I had so many people reaching out to help me and wanting nothing in return. I felt so comforted. It was hard to be around people but there efforts never went unnoticed.  I couldn’t eat at all.  I lost so much weight.  Food used to be such a huge part of my live with Robin and now I wasn’t eating.  I had to force myself to eat vegetables and fruit as I knew they were important.  But as the time moved forward a bit I started to get my appetite back again.  I was able to talk to people about how I felt.  I was able to sit down and talk and eat and start to differentiate between the different ways I was feeling, all the feelings weren’t all clumped into one dreadful feeling anymore.  Life was moving forward without Robin.

Day Two - May 2nd-Letting Go, Moving Forward

May 2nd - Day 2

When I met Robin he was dating quite a few different women, after about a year of dating, he whittled down his choices to just me.  His motto was, you have to date more than one woman at a time so that you can see who is the best one for you.  I got to be that “one” and we were having a lot of fun together.  I had a dream of sailing around the world so I wasn't being too committal.  I had been telling everyone I met about my dream; my seed sowing paid off; someone needed crew to bring their sailboat from the east coast of Canada around through the Panama Canal and up to Vancouver, and I was asked to join the crew.  

I called Robin and told him I had some good news.  He was excited as he had some good news as well, we met to exchange details.   I was bursting ready to tell him my news and wanted to go first, he, even more excited, said let me go first.   I conceded.  

“I have a break between jobs and I want to take you to Australia to meet my mom.”    

“Wow, no way, well yah of course I want to do that!”  I said excitedly.

“What is your news?”  He asked.

“I got a job on a sailboat” and I told him all the details.  When I get back from Australia I can still do this, I thought to myself.  

We quickly obtained passports and airfares and were on our way to Australia to meet Robin’s mother and stepfather.  After a quick but wonderful visit we headed up to Surfers Paradise to visit my best friend Cindy and her husband Chris.  On our last evening in Australia we all headed to the beach for dinner.  We finished our sunset beach picnic and Robin pulled me away to go for a romantic walk in the moonlight.  I can still hear the surf as it lightly hit the shore accompanied by the squeak of our steps on the fine sand. The night skies were covered in stars that looked so different from our Canadian constellations.    Robin stopped and engraved a big heart in the sand and within the heart he wrote Robin loves Charlene.  Taking my hand he pulled me into the middle of the heart.  He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  

Wow, I was in shock.   I said yes and Robin put a sharks tooth necklace around my neck to seal the deal.  I made Robin promise that we would travel around the world on a sailboat together one day.  He agreed as he picked me up and swung me around.  Robin then took some sand from the heart, the Robin, the loves, & the Charlene.  We went back to Cindy and Chris who were waiting for us on the beach and we never said a word, we kept our engagement as a secret just between the two of us.

I still have this sand in a bowl on my dresser. 

Roncesvalles to Espinal - 6.5 km

I was supposed to meet my friend Laura but there is no sign of her.  I woke at 7:30am and we have to be out of the monestary by 8:00am so it doesn't leave me much time to try and connect, so I leave a note for Laura in hopes she will find it.  I am so sore and weak I have no clue how I will make it through the day. The fog has lifted and the weather is nice but my head still feels like a fog.

I ask the volunteer at the monastery where I can obtain breakfast, he directs me to a coffee shop 3.5 km up the path to the next town.  So off I go, I walk and talk to people as they pass but the conversations go in one ear and out the other. I canʼt hear and I canʼt feel anything my body is doing. That really was the hardest hike I have ever done in my life yesterday.  Then to have to go for another walk today....crazy!

As I approach the cafe I run into Laura sitting outside with a group of women enjoying breakfast. I have my first cola cao, (hot chocolate) and tortilla, (a potato omelet).   Laura and I walk for another 3 km together and end up in a little town named Espinal. I am so exhausted all I want to do is to stop. My running shoes are still wet from yesterday.  I wrote a postcard home and this is what it says “As I walk the birds are singing, the church bells ring in the distance which are accompanied by the deeper tone of the cow bells in the fields. All I want to do is lay comatose anywhere till the end of time and listen. The walk did me in yesterday so I just walked 6.5 km today. I am in a lovely hostel in Espinal.” 

After a delightful dinner (wine, bread, cheese and chocolate), Laura I go through my pack to figure out what is not necessary for my journey ahead.   An entry in my journal, “One day in and I can see that I have baggage I need to get rid of. If I am going to make the journey ahead I have to let go of what is heavy and holding me back. I gave Laura a light pair of pants and I left my heavy rain coat that didnʼt do any good. Plus I am leaving Laura behind, she is taking this journey slower so I am on my own from here on in.

Letting Go, Moving Forward

The day Robin asked me to marry him and the day he died are two instances in my life where I thought my life was going in one direction and then in an instant that future changed.  The one that intertwined our lives was far better than the one where Robin left me, I wanted to grow old with this man. When he asked me to marry him, I could say yes or no; when Robin died I had no control. Now I have to make choices and decisions that do not include Robin, I didn’t want my future to change and every decision I make, I felt like I was choosing a life without Robin.  I wanted my life to stay on course and all our future plans to actually happen.  A life with Robin was now impossible and I had to create a new life without him.  It feels like every choice I make, as simple as a meal, leads me further away from Robin.

The days following Robinʼs death were a blur. I couldnʼt tell you who came to see me and who didnʼt, my life was a fog. Every part of me felt exhausted and nothing was in focus. Food was in abundance and I couldnʼt eat. I ate raw vegetables and pizza. I knew I had a long journey ahead of me and my thoughts where not focused beyond my breath. My huge loss was present within every breath I took.

It became instantly apparent who could help me through this journey and who couldnʼt. There are people in my life who gave me energy and there are people in my life who depleated my energy.  It took a lot of stamina to be around people so the only people that I could have around me were people that didnʼt need anything from me. I was raw, with nothing in me to give in the slightest. I had no strength, I was completely emotionally exhausted. Again if I could have just laid comatose till the end of time I think I would have. There was no guide book to pull me forward; I wish there had been. But I knew I just had to take each day as it came, with its pains and joys... but mostly pains.

I left people behind that couldn’t help me move forward to a healthy place.  That sounds so simple but it was excruciatingly hard!  Not just for me but for the people I left behind.  This was my life and my life was already changing so drastically.  To weed people out, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship, made me feel even more vulnerable.  Just because these relationships weren’t healthy didn’t mean they weren’t comfortable.  The people that I distanced myself from did not support my choice to alienate them from my life.  Looking back, they were quite mean to me, especially when I was going through such a hard time.

The same feeling to a lesser degree I feel regarding the articles in my back pack, that I am leaving behind.  These items are the only things I have that are mine.  My whole existence is me and these possessions in my backpack.  Leaving them behind is hard.  There is something inside of me that no matter how hard they make my journey, I want to keep carrying them.  

My ultimate goal is to be healthy and happy and to face life challenges head on.  Letting go and distancing myself from people I love in the process made my future even more undetermined.  But I did it, I left them behind and things felt a little bit lighter.

The man doing the handstand is Robin's dad.