Day 3 My Healing - Your Healing - They Are Different

May 3rd - Day 3

Robin and I decided to elope because we weren't too keen on having a big wedding.  A small wedding in my family is 100 people and Robin's family consisted of his step mother in Vancouver, and his mother and step father in Australia.  I also had been a bridesmaid 7 times and I know how hectic and stressful a wedding can be and I had no desire to inflict this stress or the financial burden on ourselves.  So 2 months after our engagement on the beach in Australia, we headed to the beach in Victoria.  We went to a regular clothing store and purchased a cute little white dress. The salesgirl said "this could be a wedding dress".  I said “it is”, she got so excited and steamed it, making it perfect for a wedding.  We proceeded to the flower shop where they made a ring of flowers for my hair and I carried a simple bouquet of tulips.  Robin was wearing his black knife fighting shirt and he put tiki torches in the sand.

It was simple and sweet as we made our vows to each other on Cordova Beach.  I have the rocks we stood on and mixed them with the sand Robin collected from Australia.  We spent the night savoring our secret, then the next morning we phoned everyone as fast as we could so no one heard it from someone else.  May 11th, 1996 I made the vow to Robin to love him 'till death do us part' and I kept my word.  We never did travel around the world together, but he did take me on an adventure of a lifetime.

Espinal to Zubiri - 15.4 km

I headed out early today on my own. Laura is going to be walking approximately 10 km a day. I need to walk at least 20 km a day and I am already behind from only doing 6.5 km yesterday. I donʼt have a watch or a phone so I wake up when the first people begin to make noise.  I am a creature of habit so getting into some sort of routine early will help.  I will start to walk as soon as the first people wake and I will have tortilla and cola cao for breakfast, my routine is beginning to fall into place.   Now all I have to do is walk until I want to stop for the day. 

That doesnʼt seem too hard until I start walking. Even though I am in pain, putting one foot in front of the other is the only option I have at the moment. There are so many pilgrims and so many of them pass me as I am so slow. I knew I was a slow walker but I had no idea how slow. Everyone just zooms past me like I am standing still. Robin used to tease me and say my feet barely pass in front of the each other.  The pilgrims think there is something wrong, that I am injured, I am perpetually responding with, “no this is the way I walk”. I have no blisters or injuries to complain about as I plod along.

There are pilgrims from all over the world and so many different languages. Some people zoom past me with out saying a word and some slow down to my pace to chat a bit.  A normal interaction goes like this,
“Where are you from”, in their mother tongue.
I give them a befuddled look so they resort to the default language of English and ask again.
I respond with, “Canada”.
“Oh so you speak French?”
I embarrassingly say “no”. Luckily most people speak enough English to interact.
“Why are you doing the Camino” they ask. 

This is where I get a pit in my stomach. It is hard to say ʻmy husband diedʼ so I have been saying, “to figure out where the next stage of my life is going”. This is a common answer from people. I am telling the truth, this is why I am here to figure out what I am going to do next; I just neglect to tell them what happened in my life, that brought me to the point, to where I have to decide the new course for my future.

I know the rest of my journey will be solitary as Laura is now far behind me. Everyone I pass or should I say passes me is so nice, however; I have no desire to make friends or meet  people. All I want to do is finish this walk and figure out what to do with my life and go home. As people pass, or after our introduction and brief conversation they say “Buen Camino”, or I say it initially to give them permission to move past quickly.  I know I seem rude but they have many other people that they can meet on this trail other than me. They may have come on the Camino to meet people but I havenʼt.

I get to the albergue early as I can only manage 15.4 km today. The lady in the office tells me in Spanish that they donʼt open until 1:00pm. It takes me awhile to figure out that uno means 1:00pm not 1 Euro for the bed.  There is a nice man from Brazil, who helps with the translation, we wait outside together in silence until it opens. As soon as I get my bed, I take a shower and wash my clothes, then walk around town on my own. 

When I come back there is a couple that are playing the guitar and a flute together in the adjoining gym. I sit back and listen where they canʼt see me, the loving connection between the two of them brings me to tears. You can see they adore each other by the way they look at each other but you can also feel the energy between them.  I feel jealous but happy for them at the same time.   

When I go to bed everyone around me speaks a different language so I donʼt have to talk.  It is comforting to have them around without having to force conversation. A few people come in late, some people want the windows open, some closed, there is about 50 people in the room and many little noises. It feels strange to be sleeping in a room with men and women together. There is a Spanish couple on the next bunk, we smile but canʼt speak each others language.

This experience of walking is so singular and individual.  I want to buy a new camera but at the same time I want to keep this experience to myself and not share it with anyone.  I find it comforting to be in a place where there is no conversation, the silence is soothing.  I wonder how other people feel and what happened in their life to bring them here.  As everyone goes to sleep, I know,  they all have their own thoughts and dreams, each one, with their own book to write.

My Healing - Your Healing - They Are Different

We live, or should I say ‘I’ live, on a small island, named Salt Spring Island, where everyone knows my business. It is so extremely painful to go to the grocery store where I live. I know I will bump into someone and the conversation will go something like this, “I am so sorry to hear about Robin. How are you doing” They look at me empatheticly, then most of the time I get a Salt Spring hug. These people are so nice and sincere and caring but it is so extremely exhausting. Every encounter tears my heart out. I want to stay home and never eat again. People want to come over and bring me food or just be there for me but I want to be alone. I want to have at least one day, even one hour where I donʼt cry. Life feels so painful. I want everyone to go away but at the same time I feel so blessed to have such an amazing support system.

I want this pain to be over so I can get on with my life no matter what that life will be.   I try so hard to see the good that surrounds me and not be so flipping depressed but I hate my life. I have never, ever, hated my life! Even through my hardest times in the past, I could still see the good and right now I canʼt see the good in anything. I know I have so many loving, caring people in my life but I donʼt want them anywhere near me, I just want them to go away. When I interact with people, I am doing it for them, not  for me. Why canʼt they just see that I need space.

Robin was working away from home for the past 5 years so I was home alone the majority of the time.  In contrast for the first 7 years of our marriage, Robin and I worked together, always in each others company, so socializing seperately was a break from the 24/7. Robin and I had a social life in which we rarely shared.  When he died it felt so strange to have other people become such a huge part of "our" relationship.   It was hard being around people who told me what Robin was like to them or how they perceived our relationship.  Everyone views things through their own eyes and I wanted to keep my relationship with Robin to myself because that is how it had always been. 

Robin’s relationships with his friends were totally separate from me, as his conversations and time with them were never shared.  Robin had strong relationships and people that loved him deeply and I wanted to honour those relationships as well. I loved it when Robin came home from work to tell me the fun stories of times he spent with his co-workers and friends.  Robin always made life exciting and memorable and people gravitated to him.   Each persons heart broke when their llife with Robin was forever altered due to his death.  Each person grieved alone, as each had a private relationship with him, but we all had to find away to grieve together and celebrate his life. We had a viewing of Robin's body and I had the funeral director dress him in the same shirt he wore at our wedding.   Then we had a celebration of his life where we all met at the beach in a storm but I'll tell you about that later.  Robin created a wake of love behind him and as a result the grief was also profound.

 After the viewing, Robin was cremated.  I took the sand from our engagement, the rocks from our wedding, and Robin’s ashes;  I lit a candles and mixed them together in my own private ceremony.  A moment I shared alone, with Robin.  I feel blessed to have shared a life with this amazing man and to be honoured with the title of being his wife.