Day 12 - The Thrill of The Ride

May 12th - Day 12
The Thrill of the Ride

Robin has a 1975 - 750 Kawasaki.  It was his baby and every time he changed residences since his early 20's, this motorbike went with him.  It was rarely on the road for good reason,  Robin lost all sense of control when his bum hit the seat.

He went to get it fixed by a man named Bad Billy, a very good mechanic, whom his professional motorbike racing friend, Tim depended on.  After Bad Billy finished the work he told Robin to take it for a spin, up and down the alley, to see how much better it was running.  Robin happily obliged and Tim and I waited, and waited and waited and waited some more.  Tim gave me that look that it was time to figure out what has happened.  We got in Tim's truck and set out to look for Robin, he wasn't in the alley, so we drove onto the road, when we saw the red and blue flashing lights in the distance we knew what direction to head.

Robin was with the police officer and happier then I had ever seen him.  The police officer was nodding and smiling as he was writing in his book.  Tim and I approached and Robin said enthusiasticlly, "that was the BEST ride of my life!!  When I got to the end of the alley I just couldn't stop."  Tim said we'll go get the flatbed to transport the bike back.  When we got back the police officer was still writing.  Robin wasn't wearing a helmet, he had no liscence, as it had expired, there was no insurance on the bike, he was speeding and there was something else I can't remember. I just shook my head, and said, oh Robin.  

I lived with the consequences of that ride for quite awhile as Robin couldn't drive until he paid the fines.  But it was just so funny and such a good story that it was worth the negative side effects.  

Belorado to San Juan de Ortega - 24.3 km

I never slept a wink last night instead I waited for the bell tower to add another tole every hour. So at 5 chimes I am out of bed like a flash, I get all packed up and am ready to go. The walk is exceptionally nice today as it is broken up by many smaller towns along the way. Then there are some grades up and down surrounded by trees and later the sun.

I decide I donʼt want to stay in this place of grief and that I am ready to move forward. It is hard leaving Robin behind but I am also angry with him for dying. But there were lots of things I am mad at Robin for; we had been creating a life together and he ended that by his stupid mistake. We always did things that Robin wanted, I guess, I did things that he wanted. I lived my life around Robinʼs agenda. I was mad, no I am mad, but I donʼt want to stay here. I am ready to move forward. Everyone says the best way to move forward is to forgive, so I start to do that. 

With every step I take I forgive something about Robin. I begin, “I forgive you for dying, I forgive you for being so disorganized, I forgive you for being crappy with money, I forgive you for not wanting to have a baby, I forgive you for wasting money on beer and cigarettes, I forgive you for snoring, I forgive you....and the list went on. I actually could find a lot of things to forgive him for. But then I ran out and I still had many km to walk so I started to forgive myself. I forgive myself for not putting boundaries earlier, I forgive myself for not doing more of the things I wanted to do, I forgive myself for wasting precious time we had together getting mad at you for smoking and drinking, I forgive myself for not managing your money better, I forgive myself for not cuddling you more .... and the list went on. But again I still had many more km. so I started to forgive the other people in my life that had done things that I needed to forgive them for. After I was done I still had more km to walk but I felt calmer, my mind felt quieter. Each step was more about me not about anyone else.

I guess forgiveness made my pace was a bit quicker today and I made it to the monastery before Christian and Petra. When they arrived they informed me that they had talked to other pilgrims and many are staying to explore Burgos for an extra day and they are going to do that as well. I instantly felt my heart stop, I felt so sad. Petra asked if I wanted to stay and explore the city as well, but their was no desire inside me to stay either. I could not stop my journey but I wanted them to stay with me on my journey, not stay behind.

I comfort myself by saying, I am sure I will meet up with them again, but I really don’t know.  Today I forgave with every step. I feel like them staying behind is such a poor reward for all the inner work I did today on forgiveness and letting go. It feels horrible to have made friends and now they are leaving and I may never see them again.

I sit with Christian, Petra and Marta and Joel, a young Spanish couple. I am here now enjoying this time we have together, for it may be all we have ... ever. Or they will come to visit me in Canada and I will visit them, or we will talk on the phone or look at each others Facebook, no matter today is not the end of our friendships I convince myself. 

After siesta the peach sandstone church held my favorite mass so far.  The church had a stone monument and everyone placed candles all around on the ground. It was very moving and then the priest individually put a necklace of a cross on each pilgrims neck. He was a very soft spoken and gentle man, whom I couldnʼt understand a word he said, but it was all said with much sincerity.

For dinner we had the pilgrims dinner served in the basement of the monastery.  It is the worst pilgrims meal so far, actually it was one of the worst, if not the worst meal I have ever eaten in my entire life. It brought us so much laughter and fun mocking that the taste was forgotten and memories were created. There is a bottle of wine on the table, I thought it was included to compensate for the horrible meal but we found out quickly that we had stolen an American pilgrims wine. We quickly replace the bottle and consumed even more.

Today has been my favorite day so far and also my saddest. The contrasting feelings of forgiveness and then loss, of laughter and absolutely horrible food and then the very memorable mass I know this day will be etched in my mind forever. 

Forgiveness

Looking back on the incident with Robin and his motorbike I realize now that I could respond without anger because I was with Robin to enjoy him, I didn't depend on him.  Living life right now I am fully capable of taking care of myself.  Plus we had never created a life where I needed him.  We had no children together, I didn't rely on him financially, we socialized quite seperately.  But the time he and I spent together was quality time.  I miss the adventures he took me on!  I am fortunate I don't miss what he did for me.  I thought I needed him but I know now I thoroughly enjoyed him.  I rarely put the brakes on to curb him.  He lived life fully and I did in return because I went along for the ride and what a ride it was.  

As I walked, I realized that I hadn’t forgiven Robin for all the negative things and even the positive things that I missed.  Each thing I forgave, whether it was bad or good, I  forgave with a tear, I wondered if I will ever stop crying.  But as the items to forgive run out so do my tears.  I feel with each step I am moving forward.  I am coming out of this hole that I found myself in.

Through this whole process it has felt so unfair.  The instant I forgave then I was given another lesson.  I felt that moving ahead would set me free but it was like I was in jail and about to escape to my freedom only to find myself in another cell looking again for the key to help me escape.  I am hoping I will be shown the way out sooner rather than later.  The work I am doing feels pointless as every step forward I am giving another challenge.