Day 10 - Celebrations Everywhere

May 10th - Day 10

There was always some hair brained idea that Robin would get in his head.  The last one was that he was going to be a YouTube sensation.  He started to do his homework by watching YouTube.  The step in the direction of his dream was to get videos to upload to his channel, and that is when I started to live on egg shells.  I never knew when I was going to be the star of one of his next pranks.  But it wasn't only me though, his coworkers were his main targets most of the time.  Every time he came home with one of his pranks on his camera I helped him edit it and put t up on his Youtube channel.  He never became a celebrity but he was a star not just in my life but so many others.

Working overnights exhausts me.  Arriving home from an especially tiring shift, Robin greeted me at the top of the driveway with one of his loving hugs.  I needed that today, I thought to myself.  I  trudged my way up the ramp to our front door, anticipating my head hitting the pillow.   When I opened the front door, glaring me in the eyes was a wolf! I screamed, turned and ran and in that instant I realized Robin had propped up his wolf skin just to scare me as I was looking directly into his camera.  I screamed at Robin and said, "I don’t want a stuffed wolf in my house".  Oh, he was in trouble.  It is still on Youtube for people to laugh at my misfortune. 

Robin had a movie star quality about him.  We were on the ferry headed to Vancouver and there was a couple who had just spent the weekend on Salt Spring.  They loved it and said they couldn’t believe how many well known artists, writers, actors and such lived on the island.  Then the lady looked at Robin and said, “and who are you?”  Robin's reply was awash with boldness and unrepentant pride.  "I am the garbage man."  He worked at the transfer station at the time, and as you can imagine, he was delighted with his own response.  

Najera to Santo Domingo - 21.0 km

I woke up early due to someoneʼs alarm going off and alerting all 90 of us.  After pulling my things together, I start in the dark and there is a steep hill right away. The path is difficult to see so it takes my mind off the steepness and I focus on watching for signs to direct my way. Christian passes me as we climb the hill like he is not even climbing a hill.  He got up at the same time as me due to the alarm but he takes longer to get walking as he has a hot oatmeal breakfast. I eat my fruit while I walk so I can leave as soon as I am packed.  I think I do this so I don’t have to talk to people in the morning, mornings seem to be hard, I cry a lot. I wish I would stop crying. I wish my mind could break free of the thought of loosing Robin and start to think about why I am here and what am I going to do with the rest of my life? But no, I canʼt think about that, so all I do is cry and walk.  I am seriously tired of all this crying.

When I get to the first town for my second breakfast of, potato omelet and hot chocolate, I see Christian outside the cafe. Iʼm almost up to talking so sit with him after receiving my order. “How is your morning?” he asks. 

“Oh I think too much” I tell him, “I wish I could be like you and not think and just enjoy the moment.” I can feel my eyes start to get teary. 

“Today I think about my family and how much I love them”, Christian says.

“You are lucky” I say, as I excuse myself to the bathroom.  I could feel the tears coming and I didn’t want him to see or know of my grief.

Holding myself together I come back to don my backpack. Christian asks me, “Are you thinking of your man?”. I immediately start to cry. I nod yes and leave before he can see how much I am crying. Luckily no one is around as I cry, and I cry more as I walk. I guess Bianca had told Christian that my husband had died, which is easier as I didʼt have to, but it is hard to face the reality of my life. The crying is cleansing but it sure isnʼt fun. I am walking with my head down as Christian catches up to me.  He asks me how my husband died. I tell him through my tears but it feels good to start to tell people my story.  Christian walks on and my head focuses again to my feet as I watch the ground where I step, oblivious to my surroundings. After awhile I look up and see there are hot air balloons in the distance dotting the blue sky over the red poppy fields. It is very beautiful, and I am missing out by not looking up.

It feels like a long walk into town. It is made easier with conversation from the Spaniard named Jose, the brother of the brother/sister who has joined me. It really does make it easier to walk and talk, the time does go quicker and keeps my mind busy. Jose is patient as his sister Marianna is also a slow walker like me. When we get to the albergue, Christian is first in line at the parish run by nuns. It looks like there isnʼt many people in line but there is a regiment from the UK and the sergeant in front of me is holding all 14 of the soldiers passports and pilgrims passport.  I have my doubts bt thankfully end up with one of the 33 beds. Jose goes to look for Marianna at the municipal and ends up staying at that albergue instead. Right behind me comes Mary, a New Zealander, whom I had dinner with her the first night in Roncesvalles. We get a room together in the convent with only 3 beds in one room.  This is a rare luxury. An Australian woman joins us, so we have a comfortable room with all women, we can get dressed and undressed, right in our room.  It feels so freeing, plus there is the added bonus of no snorers, or so they said.

After our routine of washing, Mary and I head out toand since this is where we are, there is a big festival. People are dressed and dancing, enjoying a huge street party in the square. It is very apparent that order is not the goal; there are many bands playing at the same time, people trying to sing louder then the next group, spraying water at each other and 10 foot tall puppets parading through the crowd. As we approach the church we see, there is a bull pulling a cart with branches.  The priest blesses them with holy water, then the elders each take a branch and carry it into the church. Next, the bull and its cart are escorted away by prancing dancers clanging bells in their hands.

Standing eventually becomes an effort, so we sit and have a drink. I wondered how the towns people have so much energy to jump up and down and dance but then I remember they havenʼt walked 21 km today. I have to leave to go have a nap, and even with the boisterous festivities outside I sleep well; I seem to sleep better during siesta then at night, I have no idea why.  

Today is Mother's Day in Canada, so after siesta Mary and I walk around town looking for a phone. My thoughtful daughter had given me a letter and pictures to open on Motherʼs Day, so I wanted to phone her and my mom. It is Sunday in the middle of a festival, but we find a place, it is meant to be. Then we meet Cheryl later for dinner and indulge in a pilgrims meal. It is good but honestly ... it isnʼt anything to write home about, it is just better then other ones. Cheryl seems very bitter from her divorce, she asks me if I have a partner, to which I replied “no” and in a very cold manner she asks if I am divorced too. I say, "no my husband died" and she says sorry. The contrast between a divorce and a death seems so huge in the way it effects a person. I was loved and the relationship ended with love but Cheryl  seems so resentful and angry that her relationship ended; very sad. 

I head back to the albergue and before I go to bed I seek out Christian to say “Thank-you” for listening to me while I cried. It seems so strange that someone who doesnʼt understand much of what I say can be so comforting. I guess it is the importance of saying it, and not whether anyone actually understands what I am saying. For whatever reason it feels healing and I am happy to be in this town with these people, who are becoming my friends through each passing conversation. 

Celebrations Everywhere

Everyone else’s lives go on.  As I watched the celebrations in the square I got caught up in the enthusiasm.  It was wonderful to see everyone so happy and full of life.  There were so many people laughing and having fun and I am sure many people in the crowd had pain and suffering in their lives and yet they are here, so full of life.  I didn’t want to miss out on life’s joys because I have lost my partner.  Especially since the person I lost was so full of life, remembering him with sadness does not seem appropriate.

Everything, anyone, did with Robin was turned into a celebration of that day.  The people around him were all actors in the movie he was creating.  I was no longer the actor in his movie and I felt almost insulted when people saw me as an available actor for their life.  I didn’t like the script of their lives, I had enjoyed the script of my own life.  I didn’t want a new role.  I enjoyed the role I was in and I loved the director, Robin Guy Gibbard.  

I am fortunate, as I am a person who lives very much in the moment, I guess that is why Robin and I were a good match. The problem is when I am in the moment right now, in my grief, I feel there is no end in sight. I feel like I am going to be grief stricken forever. Every moment is an eternal moment. I like to be positive and see what is good in each moment but it is so extremely hard. I feel this huge absence in my life and it feels like such a huge hole that will never ever be filled. I have no faith in my future. 

So many people around me are so willing to take me into their lives, support, take care of, enjoy, but I feel the urge to push everyone away right now as I try and figure out what I want this next movie of my life to look like.  I had to eliminate people from my life who took ownership of my path.  Maybe they felt they were rescuing or helping me but to me it felt like they were kidnapping me.

Some people felt that I should be getting a WCB claim from Robin but I knew that this would not be an easy journey.  The last thing I felt like doing was reliving the worst day of my life again and again.  This was far from putting me on a path of healing.  I was the only one who could feel what was right for me, on my journey.  People that thought they were trying to help or rescue me, caused more pain then help.

I have no idea where my life is going or what I am doing, but I am determined to create my own course, lead by my own internal guidance system.  No one but me can feel my intuition.