Day 8 - Feeding the Giant

May 8th - Day 8 

Feeding the Giant

You know when you first fall in love with someone there is that thing you love ... that draws you into your partner?  That thing that pulls you in and you believe it is the best thing in the world?  Then years into the relationship all of a sudden that thing that you loved so much becomes the thing you hate.

Well that thing with Robin was his complete passion and love of life and his complete and utter ability to live in the moment.  I so loved this about Robin.  I had never met anyone like him!  When he smoked he did it passionately and enjoyed every last puff on his cigarette to the fullest, so much so that it made me want him to smoke, and I HATE smoking.  When you put food that he loves in front of him he devoured it with such enthusiasm and appreciation you just wanted to keep feeding him.  Everyone loved feeding Robin.  His zest for life was addictive to everyone around him.  

We were eating a seafood buffet on a visit to The Sirloiner at Granville Island and Robin was enjoying his muscles after he dipped each in butter.  He used no utensil; he got right in there with his hands. There were no manners diverting him from his pleasure.  A young woman came up and said my Grandpa would love to see you eat because you eat so passionately. He was a site to see, as anyone who knew him could agree and everyone has dozens of eating and food stories about Robin.  

The only difference with being with someone like this as your partner, is that very soon after I moved from, enjoying eating with Robin, into having to feed Robin.  These are two totally different situations.  There were times we went to other people's houses and I could see how much pleasure they received from having him enjoy their meal, that it again brought me pleasure.  But the day in and day out of having to feed him was exhausting.  The dishes, the pots and pans but especially the money, it was expensive.  Plus, as much as he worked and earned, his day to day living expenses always exceeded his income thus digging into my income.  This I began to hate.  As much as his happiness made me happy I didn't feel it was fair that it took away from my enjoyment in life, as I had things I was passionate about as well.  

Robin and I were married and I wanted to stay married and we couldn't do that if I was perpetually resentful.  So I created boundaries.  He had to cook a lot of his own meals and clean up after himself, even if that  meant leaving the dishes for a day before he cleaned them. If I had to make a meal I also had to be able to eat it without gaining 10 pounds, low fat was not in Robin's vocabulary.  I recently put him on a $15 a day budget.  Believe me he hated this one.  For me to love Robin I had to put up boundaries that protected our relationship.  He did this as well for me, my issues are ... well... I’ll just keep those to myself. 

Los Arcos to Logrono - 28.6 km

I was awakened when the first person woke up. I gather my stuff together and begin my morning routine. As I am leaving I look at the clock on the wall and it is 3:30. I guess I had gotten up at 3:00. I see the man who had gotten up causing me to rise and he is doing his devotional. Oh well, I am up, I might as well start walking. The white clay path is eliminated by the full moon and the stars seemed so bright. The constellations seem more pronounced then at home and easier to identify. I could have been a pilgrim walking this path 1000 years earlier and right now, under the stars, I look exactly the same. I only pass one man with his two dogs. He is more startled to see me then I am to see him. Walking all alone under the stars just me and my thoughts makes this one of my most memorable walks on my pilgrimage so far.  I feel back to living in the moment, right now I realize I haven't thought of anything unhappy. I feel at one with the universe. I feel small and big both at the same time.

Well it is easy to get through Viana before Shylo caught up with me due to my early departure. This alone made it all worth the early start. As I exit the city Bianca and Diana catch up with me. They are the first people that pass me. I am sure others did on my morning pit stops but I didnʼt notice anyone. It is the perfect place to meet up as we have to pass a herd of sheep being corralled on the path, very picturesque. The sisters walk with me for a bit but my slow pace is too hard for them. They say they are staying at the municipal in Logrono so I said I will see them there.

I am tired today as this is the longest distance I have walked in one day, that,  and I have been up since 3:30. I see Bianca and Diana and have my shower and then go for an early siesta. On the next bunk over I meet Marianna and her brother Jose, they are from Spain and very friendly. I am too tired to talk though, but I am sure I will meet them again in the future.  

I told Bianca I would meet them at 6:00. I wanted to go for dinner with them as this was their last night on the Camino. They are doing it in chunks and will come back next year on their vacation together, to do another leg of the journey. I had only spent one day with them, but am feeling sad they were leaving. They wanted to meet with the others to say goodbye, but no one was staying at the albergue we were at.  When I woke from my siesta I am so tired, I wish I hadnʼt said I would go for dinner. I wanted to sleep and sleep. But I got up and Bianca was on a mission to find out where Klaus, Linda, Anna, Petra, Margaret and Christian were. I said I would go check out the parish and they would try and connect on their phones.  

At the parish I couldnʼt find a way in, so I head back, and on the side of the road were two teen boys trying to get a sleeping mattress over a wall into a courtyard. One of them had a broken leg with a cast, so I thought it would be good for me to help. But even with my help they couldnʼt get the mattress over the wall so they rolled over a large garbage container to stand on. The two boys, even the one with the broken leg, stood on the unsteady container, I handed them sticks and poles to help leverage the mattress over. They spoke Spanish, I spoke English and we didnʼt understand each other at all. I asked them why they didnʼt wait until they had the key for the door but they didnʼt understand so I continued to help. They finally got it over and we cheered triumphantly. As I walked away I realized they were probably two street kids and this is where they were going to sleep, in a vacant courtyard, on a old used mattress. I think I am an accomplice to them squatting there this evening.

When I got back to the albergue, the sisters had not connected with anyone so we just wandered the streets of Logrona looking for a place to eat. We bumped into Klaus and Linny and Anna and another German. This made Bianca happy to say goodbye. It was strange walking the streets in pursuit of someone elseʼs goal. I did enjoy myself but there was a tug a war inside me each time I did things with other people. Especially people who were leaving. I felt like, what was the point of pursuing their quests and building a relationship when they are about to leave? I had only met Bianca and Diana the day before, so this is only the second day with them and I am already missing them. I hate living someone elseʼs agenda but I also hate saying good bye.

I said it before but I will say it again. This is my journey. I am not going to make it about other people. I am going to make it about myself. I am not going to go the full distance tomorrow. I am going to stop early at a little town. This isnʼt about making friends, it is about healing my heart and figuring out what I am going to do with my own life. This is about me not “them”. whoever “them” is! 

Now I’m Angry - Compromise

Someone asked me if I was sad that Robin and I never had children, now that he has died. I responded with, “I am not sad, I am angry". We always did things the way Robin wanted and now 3 months after I have a hysterectomy he goes and dies. Robin had such a strong personality and I was more easy going so most of the time our life goals revolved around Robinʼs desires. Donʼt get me wrong, I went along because I enjoyed his passions but now he was dead, what did I have to show for going along with all the things he wanted? I feel angry! Very angry!!

I had been married to Robin for 18 years, and now I am here on my own having to take care of myself. I hated it! When he was alive I would get so mad at him for drinking and smoking and for his extremely poor diet. I would cry and say you are going to leave me here alone. And that is exactly what he did. I am here alone. I am angry and I am sad. 

I am tired about talking to people about the sadness of Robin dying.  They will always be just sad as he was a sliver in their life.  Most people never got the short end of the stick with Robin as for them he was all fun and games.  His poor choices did not affect them, they affected me!  It is Robin’s fault he is dead, he was completely stupid and irresponsible.  

Do you want to hear how this stupid husband of mine died.  Well you know that dreadful coffee sludge he drinks?  Well he thought he was drinking his coffee and he drank degreasing fluid instead.  He and his coworkers phoned poison control and he threw it up.  Then he did nothing.  He didn’t go to the doctor.  He was getting tired so he took a day off.  He went to town to get supplies and even was on the same road as the hospital.  He went back to the camp and still wasn’t feeling well and he went to bed.  In the morning he had collapsed and brought to the hospital. That evening he died.

Who drinks degreasing fluid and dies?  He never filled out any forms, he never went to the doctor, he never did anything to help me.  I am not just mad, I am furious.  I am here alone and it is all his fault!