May 7th - Day 7
Eating the ship dry
I have always lived my life with a plan, an agenda. Robin would bug me about my over planning but I secretly think he loved it. He liked to know what was going to happen. For our 10 year anniversary we went on an Alaskan Cruise. A month before our departure I informed him of our daily schedule. He said, “Can we wait till we are at least, on the cruise to make a schedule?” But we had a great time!
Our schedule evolved quickly upon boarding the ship. The day started by getting up and having a small breakfast, Robin had smoked salmon (a whole plate) and freshly squeezed orange juice, I just had orange juice. Then we would go for a work-out in the gym. Next we would have a full breakfast in the full service dining room. After which we would explore the town or some entertainment on the boat. Following that we went to the full service restaurant for lunch. I would have one meal and Robin would have 2. We would do more exploring then go for an early dinner in the buffet restaurant. I would have a sampler plate so I knew what to order for dinner and Robin would have a selection of different plates of food. We would then head to the pool for a dip where we would have silly races, such as who can get across the fastest walking backwards. We were entertainment for the older passengers that walked the decks in the cold brisk air but didnʼt think of getting their feet wet. Robin loved the fact that he could put his ashtray next to the pool and smoke and swim at the same time. Then we would go get dressed in our cabin and prepare for our formal dinner. It felt nice to get dressed up and the food was phenomenal. After the meal was the live entertainment and it always guaranteed to astound us. It was a memorable trip and our routine made the experience even fuller. On the 7 day cruise Robin ate 122 plates of food. He kept a log, here is a section of his documentation.
So as you can well assume, if I plan a simple holiday, I am guaranteed to plan a funeral. Yes, I had Robinʼs funeral planned and as I added or deleted things I would always go over with Robin what he wanted and didnʼt want. Every single part of Robin's funeral was chosen by him when he was alive. He loved planning his funeral.
Robinʼs funeral was epic. I always thought Robinʼs funeral was a fun party to plan so I always discussed with Robin what he wanted. So every last detail, (other then the tattoo booth set up by Robinʼs best friends son, Dominic) Robin knew what was going to happen. We had a huge bonfire at the beach with music and pictures of Robin and guns and flaming bow and arrows and our friend sang, “My Heart Will Go On”, exactly the way Robin wanted. And guess what it poured rain. When people went home there was a snow storm in parts and the wind was horrific. When they took the ferry home the next day there was such a huge storm that people were advised to stay in their seats and the ones getting up were the ones running to the bathroom to throw up. The weekend like I said was completely epic. So many people came up to me and said what a fantastic memorial it was at it was so Robin. It was because Robin planned it. I couldnʼt have asked for a better day. Even Robinʼs mother-in-law said that she came thinking it was going to be a horrible experience and she had such a fun weekend. Robin was fun, Robin was an experience like no other. I am so fortunate to have been married to him.
Estella to Los Arcos - 21.1 km
I started about 5:00, ensuring I wasnʼt walking in the sun. Half an hour in I made a stop at a 24 hr. gas station to get some sunscreen. I didnʼt want to repeat yesterdays problems. The weather was on my side and is rather cloudy with a cool breeze, a perfect reprieve from yesterday’s sun.
My path today consisted of gradual up and downs and then through pastures. At the top of one of the hills there was a vender selling his wares on the side of the road. I purchased a wooden cross for Xavier. As I walked away I was overcome with grief. I cried and cried as I remembered my life with Robin when we used to sell his artwork. It was many lifetimes ago but wonderful memories that I had with Robin that now make me feel sad. It is strange how the memories of my life with Robin come back so easily in this foreign land.
Today was a very smooth path giving me lots of time to think. Some thoughts made my walk harder and some lightened my step. I thought of the people and things that I loved. Like a tap being turned on I began to cry again for no reason at all, with my head down not even noticing the amazing landscape I was walking in. The tears needed to flow but I feel like they are never going to stop. I came here to escape and run away from my grief but it followed me and gives me no relief. I am feeling proud of myself as no familiar faces have passed me, so I must be walking faster. Maybe all the tears have quickened my step.
As I walked into the town that is going to be my home for the night it feels like I was walking into the wild west. I can hear the theme song from the movie “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” playing in my head. But then as I enter the city square it is full of people. I stopped at the first albergue I come to but it was already full. I found the municipal, no one can make a reservations as it is first come first serve and there is room. I began to recognize faces, I guess I had been passed. I made my way to the shower and Christian already showered and doing laundry. I felt deflated. I wasnʼt as fast as I thought I was. I guess many had passed me as I stopped for my shopping or bathroom breaks. I guess I was meant to be alone with my tears today.
I set about my afternoon to take a shower. Actually my routine seems to be pretty set as follows:
- I get up early and carry my back pack and sleeping bag out of the bunk bed area.
- I have a separate bag for my toiletries and can just place that on the top of my packed back pack after brushing my teeth then brushing, braiding and pinning up my hair.
- I get changed into my walking clothes, take my bed clothes off and pack them in the compression sacks with my sleeping bag.
- I don my back pack over the many layers of clothing.
- I get my flashlight out and figure out which directions the signs point me, repeating at every intersection.
- As I walk I drink my water with vitamin C powder and I eat my apple, my orange and banana, when the first open cafe comes along I have a cafe coa (hot chocolate) and a tortilla (potato omelet). Then I fill up my water bottles and carry on after taking a bathroom break.
- When the sun comes out I stop and put on some sunscreen and have a bit of chocolate for a snack or a granola bar.
- As the morning passes I usually come to another cafe where I have freshly squeezed orange juice and a Napoleon (pastry filled with chocolate). I fill my water bottles again and head off.
- I walk now until I get to the town that I will call home for the night. Here I pull out my guide book and see the different available accommodations and choose one, I find a place that has a bed available. To this point I have only stayed at Municipals, parishes or convents. All these are first come first serve. Some people reserve their accommodations but as I donʼt have a phone I can not do this. After waiting in line, I pay and then find my bed.
Then starts my afternoon routine:
- I take a shower and put on my evening outfit.
- I hand wash my clothes, hang them to dry, brush my hair
- Then I go for a siesta. I am really beginning to love my siesta. Everything is closed as everyone is having a siesta so there is no point in trying to get anything.
- When I wake and write in my journal, then town starts to wake.
- I go grocery shopping. I buy a baguette, cheese and pepperoni, an apple and an orange for breakfast, chocolate and granola bar. Sometimes I get strawberries or other treats from the store.
- Depending on the town I usually fit mass in about now.
- I sometimes go for dinner after mass or if I am too tired the baguette with cheese and pepperoni is my dinner.
- After dinner I come back I get everything packed except for my sleeping bag. I get my day clothes from the line and put them in the bag with my toiletries.
- I get my sleeping clothes on and pack up everything other then my sleeping bag and clothes and go to bed.
This is my routine and in this I find much comfort. The people that I need to meet cross my paths when they are supposed to, I do not make plans to meet anyone or even ask people where they are staying, it is always by chance when I meet people again. I do feel like I am living in faith as I live within my routine this gives me comfort. There is so much unknown in my life but knowing my routine makes me feel safe.
Now back to my day.
I had a siesta and didnʼt have to grocery shop as I had food from the previous day as I went to bed without eating much. As I exited the albergue there was a nice grassy area where Christian was sitting with two Dutch women, the Dutch women looked familiar as they passed me walking and we talked briefly but had never been introduced. Bianca and Diana are sisters with whom I instantly feel a connection. They are so nice and they all talk English so I feel included, I feel so inferior as English is my only language. They go from person to person changing language to language.
While Christian was napping on the lawn and Diana was reading I talked to Bianca. She asked me why I was doing the Camino and I felt comfortable enough to tell her that my husband had died. She asked me how I was doing and I started to cry saying that I have good days and bad days, but today was an exceptionally hard day. With few words from Bianca I felt understood and no need to say more. Bianca is a physiotherapist who does alternative therapies, I told her she had to come visit me on Salt Spring as she would fit in perfectly. The one thing that I feel is her lightness of being which emanates love.
I thought I would miss home. I thought I would get so home sick being in a foreign land that I never knew the language. But I am here and my thoughts rarely go to home. I feel the love but I have no longing to go home. Home is so different now. It is not something that beckons me. I feel the loss of Robin in everything there but I also feel it here. Will I ever be happy again? Ever? But here I can think only of myself and only on my own journey. I know I need to be here. I need to be feeling and dealing with this pain. I know I need to let the tears role even if I donʼt know where they come from.
Bianca, Diana and Christian invite me to come for tapas with them before dinner. I decline as I havenʼt written in my journal yet and my conversation has been quite over stimulating and I need some alone time to regroup. I head to a little bar on a side street where there are no patrons. I get a glass of red wine and sit and write in my journal. I wrote about Bianca saying “what a wonderful angel the Camino brought me today” I am learning every single person with whom I cross paths with is who I am supposed to encounter. As I am on no one elseʼs agenda but my own I feel every person I encounter is sent especially for me, from God. I am thankful I am a solo walker.
Walking around town I run into Bianca, Diana and Christian again who are sitting with other pilgrims. I sit with them and I tell the girls how I met Christian and how he said I looked like I had to go to the toilet and he said I looked older then I am. We laughed. Actually everything Christian says makes me laugh as the language barrier makes him extremely honest and blunt. I havenʼt laughed like this in a long time. They invite me to dinner and I said of course as they made me feel happy from laughing. As we were walking to the restaurant we met up with Shylo and he joined us for dinner. Shylo wears a tank top exposing his nipples, (not on purpose). Christian says, “I recognize you from walking, I see you and your tits” See no holding back. We all laughed. We said Shylo looked like meatloaf and from then on he went by meatloaf. They made me laugh and laugh all of them. It was so much fun, I was now crying because I was laughing so hard. This is a way better reason to cry.
Then we quickly got our desert and ate it as we headed to mass. Shylo hadnʼt been to mass in a long time, Christian gave him his sweater to cover his nipples in church, how can you not be in stitches laughing. I love pilgrims mass, I have no idea what the priest is saying but it feels so healing. As we leave, a pilgrim, training to be a tenor, sings Ava Maria from the balcony of the church. We were in tears, it was magical.
Then we met a bunch of other pilgrims in the square for drinks and tea. Here I saw Margaret again and met Petra. Shylo entertained us all. Everyone was deciding where they were going to walk to. I wasnʼt planning on walking as far as Bianca, Diana, Christian, Petra and Margaret but Shylo was going to be going where I was going Viena. He started to make plans with me and they saying I was going to be in Finistar with him and fly me to South Africa where he was from. This all started to freak me out. Friends were ok and comfortable but beyond that felt extreme. I decided in my head then and there that I was going to be walking further. I decided I would never tell people my plans again. Having to meet people at certain places felt too restraining. This was my journey. I didnʼt want to share it with anyone.
Start with a routine
I am trying to figure out if I am going to stay on Salt Spring or move to the city, Victoria or Vancouver. I struggle so much with the pain of living on a small island, I feel as everyone knows my business but when I leave and come back I love this place I call home. Even with the pain, I feel this place represents who I am with its alternative beliefs and like minded people. Everyone is excepted for who they are and their differences are embraced. This is a very unique place and I don't want to run away from it just because I am in a hard place emotionally.
At home I have a routine and that routine is work all the time other then the two days that I take care of my grandson in Victoria. I fill my time with working so I donʼt have too much time to spend thinking. I am fortunate to be invited to visit many of my friends but socializing is very hard. My spare time is spent at home or I go for a walk or a swim. I have joined master swimming as being in water always makes me feel connected to my source, water is my oasis. I think our childhood is a place we play in all our lives. I am fortunate that when I was young my parents supported my involvement in sports. I was a competitive swimmer. I have always turned to the water when I am going through a hard time or any kind of exercise so this is a very positive coping mechanism. Plus my parents were always taking us to the ocean and vacations on lakes.
My negative coping is working. I work too much and donʼt give myself time to think when life is overwhelming and that is what I have been doing, working, working, working. I put a note on my Facebook saying I was ready to go back to work and I got so much response and offers resulting in 3 different jobs plus I teach first aid classes. I am working 40 -80 hours a week.
I would use work when I was younger to get away from home. I never dealt with my family dynamics I just worked. It was my drug so I am fortunate I enjoy my jobs. After Robin died I didnʼt work for 4 months because I had absolutely no choice. I couldnʼt function at a job. I would cry all the time. On my journey so far I walk all day and canʼt even do this without crying. I cry because I miss Robin. I cry because I get triggered of memories and things that remind me of Robin and I just cry for no reason. The tears just flow. My thoughts never seem to stop.
The only other way I get an oasis from my tears is to laugh. I am fortunate at home to have old friends. Not in age but friends that have been in my life since before Robin. They know exactly how to make me laugh. I have friends that I can call on any time of the day. Some in the middle of their work and one friend I talk to till 3 in the morning sometimes. Laughing is a wonderful magic pill that helps me escape the sadness.
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