Day 9 - Everything Has It's Place To Help Me Through

May 9th - Day 9

Testing Our Friendship

How did Robin and I know we were right for each other?  About 6 months after our initial meeting with the rose we became friends and would spend a lot of time together.  We both would warn each other of how annoying our previous partners would get with us.  So we decided to put the relationship to the test and we headed out on a camping trip for a weekend.  We rented a van, and ventured off on a logging road towards Squamish.  We found a perfect spot in the woods where Robin could set up his targets and shoot.  It had snowed, so we cleared a spot and put down a tarp.  On top of that we put a mattress with ample blankets, then another tarp we hung from the trees to keep us dry.  Robin then put all the army men (targets) in the woods and we began to shoot them with his air gun.
  

Robin made a delicious meal on his tiger torch stand of bacon and beans.  As the sun went down he put candles in the bush with raw eggs in front of them to eluminate the targets.  It was so much fun shooting at and hitting the raw eggs and watching them explode highlighted by the candle behind them, it looked like an art exhibit.  We ate stews and shot the targets in the trees all weekend long.

Two days later on the way we stopped at a restaurant smelling so much of campfire that the waitress commented.  From this day every time we smell of a smoke we remind each other of that initial camping trip where we learned that we both could handle being with each other for an extended period of time. Having a campfire was a very common occurance in our relationship, it was one of those things that brought us together and kept us connected.   

Logrono to Najera - 30.1 km

I sit down and relax every day to write in my journal forgetting how much pain I am in during the day. So Iʼll write it right away before I forget. I am in pain all the time. Every part of me is sore. As I lay in bed I feel like there is no way that I can walk tomorrow because I am in too much pain. When I wake, it feels like a miracle, I actually feel up to walking. The body's ability to repair itself amazes me. It is like a miracle is happening to me everyday.  Not just I feel this way as I hear it from so many pilgrims who are astonded when their bodies actually work and they can walk again for another day.

My day started around 5:00. It is strange how a city has a way of making you hate it when you get lost in it, in the darkness. The signage was horrible. Luckily there were drunk Spaniards still roaming the streets from their parties the night before. I would only go 2 blocks without a sign before turning back and retracing my steps.  It was just so frustrating trying to find the signs. My perception of Logrono totally changed after this difficult exit.

I had planned my route for the day and I am not going to go the full 30.1 km everyone else is walking. I am going to make my life easier, get rid of some of this pain and focus on myself instead of meeting people. I am good at going off on my own and doing my own thing. I donʼt need people around me to make this journey enjoyable; they can actually they make it less enjoyable, because saying good-bye is so painful. I am not going to get to know these people over the next 20 days and then have to say good bye. I am going my own way.

Christian passes me, we hadnʼt seen each other the previous night so we fill each other in on the albergues we each stayed at. His sounded really nice but I was glad I stayed with Diana and Bianca. I learned what I needed to learn and that was to continue on my own. I said “Buen Camino”, he said “Buen Camino”. It felt sad saying good bye I probably will never see him again. It is strange that I hardly know these people and good byeʼs were so hard. Probably because we are sharing such a unique experience, these are the few people who will ever understand my journey. The sign said the village was in 1 km and this is where we will be parting my ways.

I walked and walked what felt like forever. I told myself they must have meant 1.9 km and just put 1 km. This last km of the day is really doing me in. I was relieved to see a large building approaching when Marco, an Italian photographer, passed me.  I pointed to the large building approaching telling him I was going to be staying there and wouldnʼt be going to Najera for  the night. We said “Buen Camino” and he walked on. As I got closer to the building there was no town surrounding it, I looked everywhere for an entrance to the building and none. I got out my book to see if it could give me a better idea of where I was going. The guide book said that the way is a little confusing and often missed. Marco was stopped taking photos of the vineyard and said that we had about another 8 km to Najera.  Obviously I missed my destination, I decided to continue forward rather then go back 2-3 kms. Strangely all of a sudden I started to feel more energized and my step quickened proceeding to the next village. As much as I didnʼt want to see the familiar faces I felt the pull of this Camino family.

Arriving into town I ran into a fellow pilgrim from Vancouver who said the municipal was full. A fellow pilgrim was just passing and heard as well so we quickly walked to the parish albergue to secure a bed there. When we arrived at the parish the volunteer said it was full. The man I was walking with motioned to sit on the bench outside and he proceeded to phone different places to stay. I just casually sat there and let him take control of the situation. A little while later the lady said there was again room in the line up. The albergue wasnʼt full just the line up to get into the room to register, so my bed was obtained. I found my bed and became worried as the bunk beds were right beside each other, my bed companion would be laying right next to me. I was hoping it would be a female. I had a shower and then went to wash my clothes where I ran into Christian. He was surprised to see me and I told him how I missed the town. 

On returning to my bed I was relieved to find that my bed companion was Margaret the German I had met a few days earlier. Then Lea another traveller I see a lot was above me, the familiar faces started to appear there was Marco and Stephen and Joanna and G and Christian and Petra and Margaret and Marianne and Jose. I was happy to see everyone, but still went off on my own to enjoy the town. I didnʼt want to open up to them, I wanted to stay in my cocoon of protection.

I found the church and mass had already begun so I slipped in the back. Older Spanish ladies were coming in and out of the church whispering to each other. All of a sudden one of the ladies started to yell at the priest and then she left. The other women still went in and out. Even though I didnʼt know what was going on I slipped out with a chuckle and left them to their own drama. Later that evening I ran into a pilgrim, Martin from Germany, whom had been in the church at the same time. He stayed the entire service and said it got even worse. She was yelling and the priest who stayed very stoic. With a better understanding of Spanish, Martin said that the problem the lady was having was that he started mass early. So funny!

I chose a restaurant that serves spaghetti with meat sauce and hamburgers. I'm having the spaghetti, feeling a little guilty for eating North American food in Spain but it is a nice relief from the pilgrims meals or a baguette and fixings. The albergue is on the river so I sit and write in my journal on the grass beside it and it feel the calm. I could see the albergue from where I sit and it was nice seeing the familiar faces coming and going. I am glad I am here they are not so bad. I was in the albergue with 90 other people in one room, it was hot and noisy so I didnʼt get much sleep but their familiar annoying noises sound strangely comfortable. 

Everything was in its place to help me through

The sequence of events that happened before Robin died that helped me through this process I find miraculous. I was already doing things and had a sound grounding in many activities and beliefs that gave me strength that I didn't even know I had.  Some started when I was young when I was given a strong grounding in my beliefs.  My family and extended family never modelled to me any fear of death.  I always knew it was a process of living and our spirits were eternal.  The job I had chosen for myself  was a home support worker, which lead me to doing palliative care as an occupation.  I helped people through the dying experience.  I have always felt honoured to share this space with people.  It is a very sacred time and I feel very priveliged that I can be there to help and support families through this process.  I read a book "Dying to be Me" by a woman who had a near death experience.  This book profoundly effects how I feel about death and have no fear of the process.

I have had life experiences that helped me get through this experience with more strength.  Even the simple ones, like when our dog died suddenly.  I knew I could get through that experience, and I will get through this experience.  Our house was sold so we were renting and living in a very healing space.  A home that Robin didn't spend lots of time at so I don't have reminders of him wherever I look.  I was reunited with my daughter whom I adopted out at birth and she had a son whom brings so much light to all our lives. Robin had developed a strong lasting bond with both of them before he died and I am sure it will last a life-time for them both.


I had already been doing activities before Robin's death that made a huge impact in how I navigated myself through this healing process.  I was participating in and attending a "Year to Love" with Ahava Shira, a journalling a writing program.  I was also registered and participating in Brene Brown's Art Journalling Class.  I had signed up and was training for the Tough Mudder and I had already planned on doing the Camino with my friend Sam.

The biggest part of my past that is helping with my present is the strength in the relationships I have around me.  I am so blessed with an amazing family.  I have good friends here on Salt Spring but most of all I have life long friends that have been here walking this journey with me.  I bless my past as it strengthens my present.  Whenever Robin and I would smell like campfire, the memory of that initial camping trip would come back to remind us that we were meant to be together.  I love past memories that give strength and momentum to present moments, they feel like little bits of magic.

A page from my art journalling class with Brene Brown.