Day 34 and onward - Many Routes to Santiago

June 3rd - Day 34 - Santiago de Compestela to A Corona - bus

This morning I woke up having finished my goal and I just lay here in bed contemplating things.  I listen to the chimes of Santiago Cathedral itself and when I look out the window of my albergue I can see the steeple, I am here, I did it!  I miss everyone now:  I miss the people I have already said goodbye to, I miss my family at home and I miss Robin. But there isnʼt a desperation in my missing, there is a peacefulness, a gratefulness for all these peoples roles in my life.  This finishing is strange; the albergue I am staying in is called "The Last Stamp", how appropriate.

Along the journey I was always dumbfounded by people who have walked the trail 5, 7, 8 or more times.  I couldn't understand why I was doing it once, I couldn't imagine doing it again.  In my room there is a man who has arrived in Santiago from the Portuguese route.  I looked at his pictures and said, "Maybe I'll do that next time".  I couldn't believe I was saying this, but after the amazing feeling of accomplishment and fulfilment of a transformational inner discovery, I would easily subject myself to another pilgrimage.  

I packed up thinking that this is going to take a long time as it was my final journey home but I am so used to packing and I have so little things that it takes very little time. Now what? I head out to see if any of the pilgrims coming in are my friends. I search for Patrick and Becky, I run into Linda and David and they said they had just seen Patrick. I look everywhere for him, but in the end I can't find him and it was probably better. I donʼt need any more tearful goodbyeʼs and I am sure Patrick would hate it, so I made my way to the bus station to go to  Corona from where I will fly out. 

I still know no Spanish, and I have no idea where I am going or where I will stay tonight.  The airport staff give me a suggestion and I find myself alone in a hotel room with a wonderful glorious shower and a tv. Wow! I am so tired, I can hardly move.  I have a shower and lay down, I take a look out my window and I have a beautiful view of the river. There is a walk along the river I could be enjoying but all I want to do is lay in bed and watch tv, which I donʼt understand as it is all in Spanish. I donʼt feel like moving. I can feel all the sleepless nights start to catch up like a tidal wave but I donʼt want to sleep too tightly and miss my flight.

I catch my flight home and am welcomed by my friends and family.  I have returned feeling like myself again, each step I took released my pain and was replaced with love.  I love Robin fully and completely now, I know I always did, the problem was there was so much pain on top of this love that I couldn't feel it.  Now with all the pain gone, my love for him is pure and I am sure he is loving his new existence.  "Buen Camino Robin, Thank-you for everything".

I Love My Life

I loved the direction my life was going before Robin died.  When he died my life changed so drastically that I was looking for what I would do next on my own.  I was looking for the changes that I could make to make my life better.  I learnt through my writing that I did not love my life because Robin was a part of it but I love my life and Robin was a part of the life I loved.  I now feel so fortunate that he was part of my life.

Robin's life and my life were two separate entities even though they felt like one, he had in his life and I had mine.  I am no longer sharing my life with him and he is no longer sharing his life with me but my life goes on. I thought our lives were like a railroad track, me one track, him the other,  but now I realize it wasn't like that at all.  Instead we were too curvy paths that crossed each others path frequently, and more often than any other person.  We created similar goals for our individual paths so they would intersect as often as possible.

I am so fortunate to cross paths with this amazing soul as Robin loved me just for me.  This is a rarity, as most people want you to be who they need you to be, not for who you truly are.  I never felt Robin wanted me to be someone I wasn't.  Robin made me feel so loved but at the same time there hasn't been any other person that has made me feel so completely inadequate as well.  I felt so incapable of organizing; like I had the least amount of energy of anyone in the world; I felt so irresponsible, incapable of managing money, moody, cruel, selfish.  Having a relationships is like having a microscope up to your inadequacies all the time.  Relationships have a way of letting you see your bad sides.  I am so grateful that Robin stayed and kept loving me through my inadequacies.  I guess what I miss about my bad side is someone still loving me through it.  The thought of letting someone in again and letting them slowly discover how imperfect I am seems completely painful.  The wonderful thing about being single is I feel very perfect, no one is observing my weaknesses so I can pretend I have none.

But I will rewrite here what I wrote in my journal 15 years ago.  "My life is creating itself and as I create everyday I do what comes natural and that has been to write.  Creating everyday without concentrating on an outcome has made my life create itself.  I am becoming who I wanted to become a writer most of all".

Through everything I do I make sense of it through writing.  I went on my journey on the Camino with hopes of finding out what I am going to do with my life and I received no answer but I came back healed from a broken heart.  When I returned, I no longer felt like I had a hole in my heart where Robin used to be.  There no longer was an undercurrent of pain in my life.  What I felt I needed to do was write out my process of grieving and share the memory and stories I created with Robin.  

Through this process I have figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life and how I need it to change.  I thought I needed to make a huge drastic change in my life because Robin's death created such a huge change but I don't want to change my direction at all.  I want to stay on exactly the same track as I was on before Robin died.  I loved my life, Robin is no longer one of the pieces in my life but I want to stay on the same course that we planned together.

I am going continue in the same line of work and let that evolve into my next line of work.  I am going to go live in Norway for a year, just as Robin and I had planned.  I am going to continue being a grandma, an aunt a daughter and a friend.  I love my life.  Actually I love it more now then when Robin was alive.  This process has really helped me surround myself with healthy people. It has let me put a magnifying glass up to my life and help me examine what I want and what I don't want.  It has pushed me to do things in my life that I have always wanted to do.  I know I have lots of room for improvement, some I will have time to fix before I pass away and some I won't.

I am back to loving my life but that does not mean my life is perfect. It was far from perfect when Robin was alive, and it is far from perfect now.  I make mistakes way too often, I hurt peoples feelings when I don't mean to and I am unmotivated when I have exciting things I want to accomplish.  I laugh, I cry, I get angry, I get sad, but the main thing is I am back to living in the moment.  I love experiencing this wonderful world fully with its good and its bad.  I love my life for exactly the way it is, faults and joys together as one, because true love is unconditional.

Many Routes to Santiago

There are so many different routes to get to Santiago, not just as a pilgrim but by car or bus or train or plane and each person learns their own lessons on their own journey.  This experience has been my journey of grief and I realize now that there are so many, many ways to grieve a loss of a partner, or a child or a friend or a pet.  Also grief isn't only present when you loose a loved one through death but also when someone gets divorced or losses a job or gets disabled somehow.  There are so many ways to grief and each process is individual to each person.  

After completing the Camino I had to grieve the end of this experience and plan a new journey, they call it the "Camino Blues".  Grief is letting go of the past with many, many feelings and replacing all those holes that grief leaves, with love.

This has been my route back to love,  "Buen Camino".

Day 33 - Saying Goodbye With Love

June 2nd - Day 33
Do You Know How Much I Love You

When we still lived in Vancouver, Robin and I were walking along Georgia and as we passed Thurlow there is a building with water fountains in front. Robin said, "Do you know how much I love you?" I said "yes I think so". Then he jumped into the pool of water under the fountains and yelled, "Do you know how much I love you?". I quickly responded, "yes, yes, I know how much you love me, now get out of the water!!" He walked home soaking wet all the way to Beatty and Cambie, laughing all the way and me saying I can't believe you did that. He didn't complain once about be soaking wet.  In the many years that followed, we would pass a water fountain and Robin would say, "Do you know how much I love you?" and I would drag him away saying, "yes I know and don't you dare jump in that water fountain".

Being married to Robin I ALWAYS felt loved! It is now that I am realizing even more what a wonderful gift this was because 1) obviously it is so amazing to be loved and 2) even though Robin's body is not in my life I feel his love so strongly. 

I am a VERY fortunate woman!

These are the words I said at his memorial:

Today I want to talk about the way Robin lived so fearlessly, and I am not talking about how he fearlessly drove his Mustang across the states, passing an ambulance and spending a night in jail before ending up in Minneapolis; I am not talking about the dangerous things he would do at work or how he fearlessly took on tasks that made most people weak in the knees.  I am talking about how he loved so fearlessly.

When I first met Robin I knew he was different because there was no wall up, protecting his heart from getting hurt.  He was all in.  Giving away his love fearlessly.  And I am pretty sure you all know what I mean by that because it was the way that he loved fearlessly that brought you here today.  

And I know from the bottom of my heart that Robin would never want anyone to stop loving because you stand here today with your heart broken because of his absence.  Instead, love more, love deeply and have so much fun in the process.

We argued most about him taking care of himself because I was scared of exactly this.  But those days of fear did not make these days easier they just took away from the fun we could have had when he was alive.

When we feel love we are connected and plugged in, we don’t need the words, they fall away and they are replaced with feelings

I am especially talking to his daughter Dominique or grandson Xavier and our nephews and niece and the young men on his crew that he felt like a father to.  He loved making an impression on your lives, he would want you to choose to fully live your lives with an open heart.  

We are in death who we are in life.  Robin made a mark, his death has left a huge mark.    He left us wanting more.

Monte del Gozo to Santiago de Compestela - 4.7 km

We walked into Santiago under a full moon. When the sun came up we couldnʼt see it anymore but the morning image of the full moon over Santiago was firm in my mind. 

I wait for Christian to get up and he starts to rush as he has a full morning routine with his hot breakfast. I said we are in no rush as we are only 5 km away. He said he didnʼt want to keep me waiting. I donʼt mind as the likely hood of ever seeing him again in this life are slim and I would wait all morning. Everyone else slowly leaves as well and we all head to Santiago as the sun rises.

Before long we are in the city and in the square of the Santiago Cathedral. It feels like there should be more build up but there is none, we are just here, we have arrived. We hadve walked 800 km and now we are at the end. It is first thing in the morning so it is quiet and apart from the people we know there arenʼt many other people in the cathedral square. We pose for many pictures. It feels very surreal. Next we go get our compestela and then go into the cathedral.

So many pilgrims have walked through these doors, walked down the steps and knelt down and prayed in front of the remains of St. James. I kneel and pray and thank God for being able to complete my journey. I am so thankful for each person I have met and I am so thankful for all my friends and family who are at home who supported me on my journey. I am so thankful. We walk up the steps behind the alter and kiss the sculpture of St. James, I am now one of the millions of pilgrims that have worn down the marble steps leading out.

After finding an albergue for Hilda and I for the night we head back to the cathedral for mass. We easily find a seat in the front pews, we can get a good view of the ceremony and the mass. Hilda and I wait for an hour and a half. The time goes fast as we watch everyone come and go. I thought the cathedral would be packed to the brim with pilgrims. There is special seating for pilgrims but we are a very small percentage of the population of people present. It isnʼt hard to spot a pilgrim, especially when you look at the foot wear. There are bus loads of tourists and people of all different walks of life who never walked their way into Santiago so we watch them as we wait for the mass to begin. 

This pew in the front is a great place to sit as all our friends pass by and give us hugs. I say, us and we, but that us and we always changes depending on whom I am with. Robinʼs pet peeve in life was when I said “I”. He would always correct me and say “We”. It is so strange to say “I” now that I will find any random person to do something with and I will say “We” did this or that. Sometimes my “we” was a person I never met and only walked with for 10 minutes or sometimes the “we” was the birds I walked with on the way. But mostly the we was Christian, Petra, Patrick and Joseph, David and Linda, Becky, Michelle, Jo, Marco and his wife. These are the people that I considered my Camino family. I loved them and I am going to miss them.

Now as mass starts I begin to cry. I cry because I am going to miss my fellow pilgrims, I cry because I actually did it, I walked 800 km. I cry because right now, in this moment, this is the most amazing experience; the cathedral is filled, the organ is playing, the choir is singing and I am taking communion with these people for the last time. Then the incense swings and I am completely blown away with the emotions that overcome me. I cry the whole time. This is a phenomenal day in my life. There are so many emotions that overwhelm me; endings, new beginnings, triumph, completion, acceptance, understanding but above all and most important love. I feel so much love and I enjoy every second of it.

After mass we all hug each other. My feelings I canʼt even put into words as they are so overwhelming as we hug and say goodbye to the people we walked along side for the last month. But then the worst, Christian was carrying onto Finestair today and I am staying in Santiago and then leaving from here. I was debating going to Finestair but all this saying good bye is torturous for me. I am done, I just want to go and not let the goodbyeʼs linger for another 100 km. 

It was the saddest goodbye, saying goodbye to Christian as he had become my best friend on the Camino. It was always by chance that we met but we met almost everyday for the whole journey. We only planned 2 times of meeting at the same albergue and now I had to say goodbye forever. It was so strange to be so sad for a farewell. But we said good bye and I said thank-you for helping me get back to myself, for making me laugh so much. Actually I never said that out loud, I said it in my head as I couldnʼt say a word when I gave him a hug goodbye, I just cried. We again were on our own journeyʼs just as we had been on before we met and even during the whole pilgrimage. Our paths just crossed a lot within the Camino. He on his and I on mine. The fact that now there was never going to be a chance for our paths to cross again made me so sad but again happy that our paths had crossed as much as they did.

After saying goodbye and crying and writing in my journal. I head to the cathedral and bump into more of my Camino companions. They invite me to join up with a group of Germans for drinks in the evening and that I did. We are having so much fun! Dan borrowed a guitar from a Spanish singer, and we all are singing and drinking and laughing. I am no longer sad, as I am laughing again. When I am laughing there is no room for crying and being sad. By the time I go to bed I am very tired and fall directly to sleep.

Saying goodbye with love

It is with such sweet sorrow I say goodbye.  These people have become such a huge part of who I am and I say good bye with so much love and appreciation.  I realize now that the love I have for Robin will always be there I just will not see him in the physical form again but he is here walking with me every step I take.  When I feel the love and not the loss there is nothing missing.

The chance of seeing any of the people from the Camino is very slim.  With facebook I can see what they are up to but they are a wonderful memory of healing.  Obviously I will never see Robin again.  

What a gift to be able to say good bye to someone with love in my heart.  I feel completely blessed and thankful for each person on my journey in my life so far, especially Robin.  I treasure each and every memory and everything I have learnt through his presence in my life.

I love my life....I love my life.....I love my life!

Day 32 - The Healing Power of Laughter

June 1st - Day 32 

Our Little Cabin in the Woods

Our house was falling down but instead of working on it we built a little cabin in the woods were Robin could shoot his pellet gun.  He would shoot and I would read a book.  We put in a wood stove that we got from our friend Geezer.  There was no electricity so it was lit with candles.  So many wonderful hours were spent in this cabin.  

While Robin was shooting we would drink a bottle of wine or he would have beer and I would have cider and the ideas would start to spill out of our heads.  They usually involved crazy ideas for a videos we could do together or when he was at camp.

We would laugh and laugh as they were so ridiculous.  I always had a piece of paper with scribbles everywhere as we walked up to the house.  

So many wonderful hours of laughter and fun were spent together in this cabin.  I miss laughing with Robin so much, he was so much fun and so was I.

Here is a video I took of Robin and his friend John singing in the cabin.  So many, many hours of solace and fun were had in this little cabin.

Arzua to Monte del Gozo - 34.4 km

Christian and I decided, that we would walk together starting in the morning as it was our last day of walking. We would go to Monte del Gozo which was only 5 km from Santiago so we could get to Santiago first thing in the morning when the line to get our Compestela would be short. The albergue in Monte del Gozo has 500 beds so we are not too worried about not getting a bed. Actually it has been even easier then before the 100 km mark. So many people join in on the pilgrimage at Sarria as it is only 100 km from Santiago. To get a compestela you need to walk at least 100km. Large groups of people suddenly appeared and we thought the albergues would be filled to the brim but there are many, many more albergues to accommodate the additional pilgrims.

We had to stop and wait today as a very large group of young teens passed us as they were so loud we couldnʼt even hear ourselves talk. Christian says in his German accent, “Quiet....quiet please on the Camino so we can hear the birds.” It made me laugh. I donʼt think they understood him. But I laughed a lot. I think I laugh so much as I am always overtired so all the ridiculous things he says I find so funny as they are like what young school children laugh at. But the laughing has healed my heart. I thought after Robin died I needed so many things to make me happy but now after I have laughed so much I realize that is what I needed. Robin and I always laughed and laughed a lot. Laughter was what I was missing most of all.

I had no technology on this pilgrimage and I am glad I made that choice but now walking with Christian I saw the benefits of having his phone for his music.  Christian played his music to me and sang and I told him my favourite songs and we sang some more.  Music has an amazing ability to heal the soul.  I love listening to people sing.  When Christian was young, him and his friends had a boy band so I enjoyed being his audience as we walked.  Songs hold so many memories and as we reminisced about our favourite songs and the memories they evoked.

The second stop of the day was the coolest cafe of the whole trip. It was a large cafe and as you approached you could hear the music. They were playing Queen “We Are The Champions”. It felt so empowering. Talk about fun memories flooding back with this best of the Queen soundtrack intensifying our mood of exhilaration.  Inside there were t-shirts hung from the ceilings from all over the world. So many pilgrims had been here and enjoyed the ambiance. Joseph caught up with us here and we all sang, ate and had fun. We took a group photo and I began to cry. I knew we were coming to the end. It feels so sad.

We took today slow. Even through it was 34 km we enjoyed our time together with our Camino family. We even met a new woman from Ireland named Laura, she came in at 100 km so we no longer made fun of these late starting pilgrims. Everyone is on their own journey and who are we to judge. Now that we have no problem getting a bed at night there is no fear that they will effect our Camino experience. We made 5 stops today, sitting and talking with everyone and relaxing and taking it slow, relishing in every step. We made it to the albergue at 17:00. 

The people that got in earlier went directly to Santiago so us late comers are the beginning of the people staying for the night.

Everyone was enjoying each others company. I was so tired and so emotional already I was worried what I was going to be like tomorrow. After dinner Christian and I went up to a sculpture on a hill of two large pilgrims that point their way to Santiago. Mix the Slovakian woman told us of this place. It was worth staying here for the night because this sculpture is not on the path of our pilgrimage. After posing for some pictures we headed back to the albergue. I feel like I am back in a fog as I knew the end is near. 

The healing power of laughter

Remembering laughing with Robin and laughing with Christian makes me happy.  Missing them is much lighter when I laugh about things.  I miss Robin and wish he was here with me but when I am laughing I remember what it feels like to be with Robin.  Life was always light when he made me laugh. I am given people and situations that make me feel good, feel the love through the laughter.  Then adding some music to the mix it heightens any experience.  With Robin there was always music.  Music  and laughter fill those holes that I thought could never be filled.  There are songs that come on the radio or play on my ipod and I feel like Robin is right here with me.  

That is the only reason I wish I would have had my phone now so that I could have listened to music with the back drop of Spain.  Now that the pain is gone I feel the power and energy of love and all the things that I love; such as music and laughter and people and new experiences.  Ahhhh this is living.  What a wonderful gift Robin gave me, gave all of us, to really feel and appreciate what it is to live.  We aren't in these bodies for very long. The time will come and will go.  The people that go before us are the teachers and we are the learners.  We are learning to live, to feel and to experience emotions.  I know I will be in spirit form one day and I will not have a body to experience these emotions and I will thank Robin, I will thank Zoel, I will thank my grandparents and my pets.  I will thank them for showing me what love is and what it feels like.  

I love to tell my stories as they make me laugh, they make me laugh a lot and still so many I haven't told.  Every day I think up a story of something Robin did.  I haven't told the stories of when he was not with me as I didn't want to take the privilege and the honour away from the other people in Robin's life that will be telling stories of him until they die.  He will live on in the stories, he will live on in the laughter.  Life is good.

Day 31 - Living in The Moment

May 31st - Day 31

You are or you aren’t 

Another line in a movie, that Robin and I would repeat, was with Robin Williams “He said you are or you aren’t you just have to figure out which you are and be that”  The point I am talking about is at 3:15 in this clip of the movie Dead Again.  

What he was referring to was smoking.  I would tell people this, just as Robin would offer them a cigarette.  You could see the people that weren’t smoking anymore but were still smokers or the people who were not smokers.  There is no in between with Robin, you are or you aren’t.  

I would get mad and call him a drug pusher as these people were trying hard to quit smoking and he would get them started again.  But I had to let their journey be their journey.  

I hated smoking but I loved that Robin was completely passionate and unforgiving about his habit.  There was nothing in him that was wavering the line.  Robin was an 'all in' type of person, something not only I admired but his friends and the people that had brief encounters with him felt and admired as well.  

Palas de Rei to Arzua - 28.9 km

I wake up late and Christian is on the other side of the room still sound a sleep. William is on the bunk next to him. He had gotten mad at someone snoring in the night but funny thing is when he fell asleep he was the loudest snorer in the room. I know as I still spend most of my nights awake. I did sleep in the wee hours of the  morning so didnʼt leave till 6:00.

I walk on my own as Christian or Joseph haven't caught up with me. I wonder where they are but I  enjoy myself as I walk in solitude. My thoughts are present with where I am. I run into Jo whom I walked up the Pyrenees with and had dinner with in Leon. We walk together for awhile and talk about what we have learnt about ourselves on this journey. I tell Jo I have gotten what I needed from the Camino so I am ready to go home anytime now. My heart is healed from the loss of Robin. I can now tell people my husband died and I donʼt feel the pain inside anymore. I feel connected to Robins love, he feels closer to me now then ever before, I have left behind the contrasting feelings of pain. I am back to the person who is truly happy.

I stop at a cafe that has internet and connect with home while Jo walks on. It is such a random place to stop as there are no patrons and no chairs outside to sit and who should be here but Linda as her foot is injured so she is meeting her brother David here. Of all the places to stop, it is so strange, see you meet who you are supposed to meet. I go on my Facebook and show Linda some of my family at home. Dominique has left a message that she misses me. I am ready to go home as I am tired of walking but I will never see these people ever again, I am already missing them, I want to savour the time I have with my Camino family now. Even though today I walk on my own I know there will be people at the albergue that I know or that I will be happy to meet, when I arrive at my next destination.

I start to worry a little bit about Christian though, he hadnʼt passed me and he was sleeping next to that crazy person William. I didnʼt even wake him to say good bye. What if William killed him in his sleep and  he wasnʼt alive? Oh what a silly thought to think, but William was strange. As I arrive in town I pull out my book and figure out where I am going to stay.  I find the municipal and the volunteer directs me to sign the registry and the persons name just before my own is Christian. So strange that I hadnʼt seen him all day and yet we arrived at the same albergue almost at the same time. I find my bed and bump into Christian while he is doing his laundry. I told him how my thoughts went to William killing him in his sleep and we laugh. He said he passed the cafe today and heard what sounded like my voice but he said to himself what a strange place to stop, so didnʼt even look in.

Christian receives a text from Joseph who said he is in town at a different albergue and Joseph asked us to meet him for dinner, so after siesta we head over to meet Joseph. The albergue is again filled with people we knew. Marta and Joel are in the bunk with me. Marco and his wife are here, the Dutch girls, the Brazilians and others. My family is here, still some ahead and some behind but I knew they are all close. I can feel the end coming near and I am feeling the inevitable separation.

Living in the moment

I remember when I first met Christian and he said. "I love the silence and just enjoy my brain being quiet and listening to the birds"....I was so envious.  I fought my brain at the beginning but today it was quiet.  I lived for each new encounter, for the sights I was seeing and for each step I was taking.

I live in the  moment or I don’t live in the moment.  There is no in between.  I wish there was but there isn’t and I am here again.  Living in the moment of my life.  

There isn’t lots to write.  It is a place to be or a place not to be.  I live in the moment or I don't.

Day 30 - Walking Back Into Another Life I Love

May 30th - Day 30

The anniversary 

"You forgot the anniversary" You know what movie that comes from?  You know the one with Nicolas Cage and he gets a glimpse of his life as "The Family Man".  That was a game Robin and I always played as our hobby was watching a movie after dinner or with dinner.  We would always incorporate lines of movies in our conversations and have to figure out what movie it came from.  I miss that, those little things that you do when you are in a relationship with someone.  They are not big, just little things you do together.  Those are the things I miss the most.

Our Auntie Alice would always phone and say Happy Anniversary.  It wasn't until we got the phone call that we would remember.  One time we were both like, oh shoot, it's our anniversary I guess we better do something.  So we quickly got dressed and went for dinner.

Portomarin to Palas de Rei - 24.8 km

I started on my own as usual around 5:45, the sun brought the dawn but was masked by the fog.  The cool temperature and the mist made me miss home. The weather felt like a west coast day, devoid of the ocean of course, but the foliage even looked the same.

It didnʼt take long for Christian to catch up. We took today so easy and slow. Christian joined me in my sloth like manner of walking. Christian and his wife's anniversary is May 17th and I had told Christian long ago that May 11th was Robin's and my anniversary.  We weren't walking together at this time so he asked me now if May 11th was a hard day for me.  I started to get upset, what a horrible wife I am!!  I couldn't even remember our anniversary.  I walked for a bit disgusted with myself then I remembered that I never remembered our anniversary and neither did Robin.  In the end it actually made me feel better as this was my norm. I joined Christian in his long breaks but as it was only 24 km today it didnʼt take long before we were at our destination. We got there just as the albergue was opening, perfect timing!

We found our accommodations and Heilio the Brazilian was there and Mix and Marta and Joel. We met another German named William. After Siesta we went grocery shopping and had the same kind of meal as we did yesterday. We couldnʼt cook anything as the kitchen was there but did not have anything to use, not even a can opener. William joined us and was getting angry for everyone talking so loud in different languages, saying idiot, idiot, idiot. Christian talked to him assertively saying he shouldnʼt be acting this way. They spoke in German so I am not sure exactly what he said but William stopped doing what he was doing.

While we were eating Joseph messaged Christian that he was in town so he joined us for dinner and then for drinks. We sat right at an intersection where everyone passed so chatted with other pilgrims enjoying ourselves. As I sat there with Christian and Joseph, watching everyone as they walked by I felt really good about my life. 

Walk right back into another life I love

I realized in this moment that I really love my life, just like I used to. There wasnʼt anything special that was happening I was just enjoying the moment. I occurred to me that the only way I could walk away from a life I loved was to walk right back into another life that I love.

It wouldnʼt be long before this life of walking is over and I am beginning to dread the ending of it. In the beginning I was terrified of leaving home and now I have no desire to leave Spain and my new friends. It is in this moment that I feel it, that wonderful feeling I feel where I say to myself, "I love my life".  I now realize that there is nothing spectacular happening right now as the pilgrims pass.  Nothing has changed but me.  Love is coming back but it comes from within not from anything external.

Robin embodied moving forward and keeping your heart open for another day.  If it wasn't for Robin planting one of his roses on me I would not have any of these wonderful stories.  Robin wrote a pamphlet to help other men use his "technique" to find love.  

Day 29 - Always Worth a Try

May 29th - Day 29 

Always Worth a Try

I worked at our local newspaper, my job was to call people and see if they wanted to put there ad in the paper for another week.  There was an ad for a fish farm worker.  The qualifications needed were: Diploma in aquaculture, 2 years aquaculture experience and a qualified scuba diver.  I phoned to see if the manager wanted to repeat the ad and he said he didn't get one applicant.  Frustrated he said, no one wants to work on Salt Spring.

Robin was looking for work so I told him to give the manager a call.  Robin phoned and told the manager, "I don't have any fish farm experience but I used to keep tropical fish and my dad was a scuba diver". The manager named Rusty told him to come in for an interview.  Well they sat down and had a cigarette together and Robin got the job.  Later Robin found out what they were looking for was a big strong guy so as soon as he saw Robin he had the job.  

Robin came home every shift with fun stories of his fish farm experiences.  Rusty, Craig, Curtis, Dave and Floyd all have their own stories of their own to last a lifetime.  Some of their times together included huge crab fests they would all have after work, Robin bringing a baby seal into the office, and when Robin's finger got stuck in the chain attached to a 1000 lb anchor.  They were there for each other through marriages, deaths, births and life changes.  These co-workers were not just people Robin worked with but family.  

But then every crew Robin went on became as close to him as family.  When he worked at the garbage dump they were like brothers, moms, sisters and fathers even through all the practical jokes.  But you can watch those on his youtube channel. The crew he was working with up north, when he died were a huge part of Robin's life.  They all didn't just loose a co-worker but a brother.  Here is what one of his co-workers up north wrote about him when he died.

WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER ROB GIBBARD.....An email to share, with the hope it may touch you all in its own way!

As I said to a few of you today, Rob has said on many occasions that when he dies we better be at work the next day. Out of respect for Rob, all of the crew members tied up their boots and headed off to work. Although it wasn't the most productive day, we did what Rob had asked. My work day is finished with a Daily Report and Pictures and so here it is. We will always Remember...

Today we will morn for a special co-worker and beloved friend, Robin Gibbard. Rob past away this morning unexpectedly in Fort McMurray Hospital. He was loved by everyone that crossed his path. He was the roughest iron worker, with the kindest heart and took every opportunity he could to make you smile. He never gave up a chance for a practical joke or added some type of entertaining spin on any task. (He hated the word task, always changed it to Quest). He strives to push everyone to their full potential. Definitely a leader from behind, keeping us all on track and our spirits up high. He was a team player willing to take one for the team at any time. He loved the concept of brotherhood standing shoulder to shoulder, Gentlemen of steel, Structural Steel Soldiers. Rob was not only a hard worker but an intelligent man. When he didn’t need to use his strength he loved to use his wits following always by the phrase “Not by strength, but by guile”.

Some other phases commonly used by Rob ...
“Don’t apologize, apologizing is a sign of weakness” – Was a very forgiving man and didn’t like confrontation.
“A plan today is better than a better plan tomorrow...it will get done today” – Get it done attitude
“Adapt, Improvise and Overcome, using the available recourses” – Get the job done with what you have
“Do not despise the snake for whose to say he will not grow horns to become a dragon” – Do not judge people because everyone has talents and are able to grow and be great in their own way.
“Life is like an hour glass, over time you will see through it” – something’s don’t make sense but we need to trust that it will be clear in the end.

Rob hated the word Fine. He would say “Fine is a word used by people who were Frantic, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. If your not in a good mood come back when you are because no one wants to work with you if your just Fine”

Rob loved to over do and drag out any chance he got for a pun or play on words . If you managed to slip one in before he would, he would respond in his English accent “well you must be just chuffed with that one”
He implemented Military Mondays, when every Monday, every response to a quest would be “Yes Sir” (at the top of his lungs....this caught on with all the guys)

He was a fix it man. He could start or fix everything with WD-40 and a hammer and occasionally his spud wrench, but God help you if you used his Spud wrench as the hammer.
As I mentioned Rob loved the chance to do a practical joke. One that stands out only because Rob was so “Chuffed” about it was his “Swim in the Syncrude tailings pond to raise money for a charity.” He was so please by it because so many people were involved and he got some good reactions out of the people it was intended for. When it was all said and done everyone had a good laugh and that was Robs whole intention... To brighten everyone’s day and put a smile on their face.
Rob was a crazy individual and had that extreme passion for life. I am privileged to have known him for all these years and work side by side with the man. I am saddened that he is no longer with us and even more so because not everyone who reads this had the chance to meet such an amazing individual.

I leave you with one last quote from Rob and my interpretation that I believe he meant it by.

“Yesterday a cancelled cheque, tomorrow a promissory note, But TODAY the cash in your pocket so spend it wisely” – Do not take life for granted. Hold tight to your family and friends and hold everyone you meet, dear to your hearts.  

I could write tonnes of stories of the fun Robin had at work but those are for his co-workers to tell.  The wonderful thing about all Robin's co-workers is they never expected anything from me in the least even though they all were as close to him as family.  They all grieved on their own and some still grieve.  He held a very special place in their hearts.

Samos to Portomarin - 37.0 km

Leaving in the dark on my own I feel bad leaving Christian behind on his birthday, but I told everyone last night it was his birthday today so I am sure he will get lots of birthday wishes when he wakes up. I have to use my flashlight a little bit more as the moon is not up and the path is covered with trees so it is pitch black. The sound of the creek is soon joined with the dawn chorus as the birds awoke and are in abundance this morning.

Christian and a German lady named Hilda catch up with me just as the sun brightens the sky. i was hoping to get further before Christian reached me but I guess I am slow this morning due to the darkness. There is no cafe in the next town so we stop at an albergue and we are able to make breakfast. Hilda tells a woman playing the fiddle that it is Christians birthday and she comes in playing happy birthday on her fiddle and everyone else joins in.

I always feel bad when everyone has to speak English on account of me so I told Hilda and Christian I am walking ahead for a bit. I don't want Christian to have to struggle with English on his birthday.  We have a long 37 km walk so I’ll give him a break from me and English in the morning. We walk together after lunch and around the 28 km mark Christian realizes that we again have had a miss communication due to the language barrier. He thought I meant we were walking 31 km when we are walking 37 km.

We are already getting tired and I suggested that we stop sooner but Christian said it is better to go to a bigger town as there is more to see. We finally make it to Portomarina completely exhausted. We find the municipal, I tell Christian he can go to sleep and I will do his laundry for his birthday present. Some birthday present but nice for a pilgrim. I go to the front desk to get some change and Christians boots are still there in the middle of the floor where he took them off when waiting in line to pay for his bed. He was so tired, I can't wait for him to wake so I can tell him what he did.

Since we went further the last two days we caught up to the Brazilians, two young Dutch girls plus  Marco. From the window of our ambergue we see him holding a womanʼs hand so of course we have to go find out the gossip, Marco introduced us to his wife, who has joined him for the last part of the Camino. She is really fun, what a great idea. It is times like this that I wish Robin was there to meet me at the end still.

Christian took me for dinner as he said that is what people do in Europe when it is their birthday. The birthday person pays for everyone. I feel completely guilty as this is not what happens in Canada. The birthday person gets treated to dinner. I even asked the Spaniards at the table beside me to confirm. I feel guilty but I completely enjoyed the meal. It was the best meal on the Camino we had lentil soup, the salmon and salad. I enjoyed it all but can hardly wait to go to sleep. I am completely exhausted and I think Christian was even more tired. He is thinking he wonʼt be walking tomorrow.  I tease him saying that it is good we walked on to see more of the city when it is a complete effort to walk to the restaurant and back. 

Don’t drown me

It was so amazing to see a large body of water today.  This is the longest in my life I have been away from the ocean and I feel the longing for salt air.  Even though this is fresh water I feel the yearning of the sea.  Instantly in my journal my metaphors go to water.  I have a kinship with water and Robin had a kinship with steel.

This process of grief and moving forward with "my" life has so much to do with letting go especially letting go with love.  When Robin died, my pretend future died with him, at first all I could do was float.  There was no swimming happening.  My life was on standstill all I could do was just float and breath in and out.  I couldn't even let go at the start of this process, my life was on standstill.

Then other people came along who wanted and needed stuff from me and I started to feel like I was drowning.  My first job was a life guard and I am a first aid instructor so my job has been to teach people they need to save themselves first.  So I did this I pushed people away who were pulling me down.  At first I did this with anger.  I was so angry that in this, the hardest time of my life, people were not just pulling me down but drowning me.  I was angry, I was resentful and I let them go with anger.

Now as I walk the Camino I am learning to let go of things with love because I want the same returned back to me.  I realize the reason they were drowning me was because they were emotionally drowning themselves before my husband died and I may have been one of the people keeping them afloat, now they we're still looking for me to save them.  I had to push away and push away hard.

I also did the same to other people.  I went to hold onto people that were not able to be there for me in my difficult time as they were just trying to stay above the water themselves in their own lives.  Fortunately I have some friends and family that could be there for me who were rocks in my storm.  Now with each step I feel my strength coming back so that I can one day be the rocks for my friends and family when they need me in the future.

When I was going through the emotional roller coaster ride with Dominique I was in the same writing group that I was in this past year.  I have participated in "A Year to Love" with Ahava Shira for 2 years and came back to participate in the art show the third year.  This is one of the steps that helped me process my feelings and learn to identify the emotions in my body.  It is a project I was doing with a friend of mine.

It is those random things that I have done in the past that have been jewels to my process of healing after Robin died.  Every little thing makes a difference.  Everything is important.   We are an accumulation of experiences, not just one experience.  Some experiences and people help us through and some don't.  Life is about learning and learning I am.

Day 28 - The Dream

May 28th - Day 28

Romance in the Park

When Robin and I met he was dating many other women so I was a little leery of getting to close to him but he made it difficult. For Christmas when we were dating he surprised me with a carriage ride around Stanley Park with just him and myself and the carriage driver. It was a magical ride. This is an excerpt from my journal.

It was Christmas in Stanley Park.  There was a chill in the air and a light fog had fallen on the city; the sound of the fog horns were in the distance.

The carriage pulled up lead by two quarter horses.  The steam from their bodies drifted into the air mixing with the fog, becoming one.  It looked mystical through the light of the lantern that was attached to the carriage easily accessible to the coachman.

Robin and I climbed in and quickly sat down, covering ourselves with the wool blankets that lay perfectly folded on the leather seats.  Soon we felt the slow smooth rhythm of the carriage accompanied by the clanking hooves on the pathway and knew we were underway.

As we past the waterfront the fog sat silent on the water and the light from the lighthouse lit up the water then left us in darkness, repeating again and again. Across the harbour the city lights were filtered, through the fog, they could have been street lamps from the turn of the century.

We crossed a creek on an old wooden bridge which led into the darkness.  The coachman illuminated the path using the torch to get a better view of the path in front of him.  He assured us there were no trees across the path and returned the lantern and gave a quick flick of his reins for the horses to carry on. 

Robin played his guitar and I listened to his words with tears in my eyes.  Not just the words of the song but the whole experience was more wonderful then I could have ever imagined.  I wished my dream could have gone on forever but all things come to an end.  

When the carriage ride ended we got back into the car and drove away, it felt so fabricated in comparison to the purity and naturalness of the carriage.  Before we got into the car a woman said, “Marry that one”. 

It was hard to hear as Robin didnʼt even want to commit to one woman let alone marry one. I was trying so hard not to fall in love but I had and I was so worried that I was going to get my heart broken. Robin never worried about getting his heart broken. I felt like he came to me with a blank slate. He left all the previous pain behind and he was willing to open up his heart and take the chance of his heart getting broken. He was so different from other men who were so guarded and had a shell around their emotions. Robin was raw and so expressive of his feelings. He was like a breath of fresh air.

Robin had me stop the car and we walked down to Lost Lagoon and sat under a weeping willow tree on a bench.  The fountain in the middle of the lagoon was decorated with a Christmas tree.  Much to my surprise he pulled out another present, I opened the little box which held an anklet with a charm of a heart, an anchor, and a cross, which Robin said symbolized our love.

O Cebreiro to Samos - 31.1 km

I woke up as the first people woke and decided to get started at 4:30am. I said “Buen Camino” to Christian and Alfred who were already up having their breakfasts. Starting on top of the mountain with no lights in sight was amazing. Looking up I see the milky way and all the stars, the constellations seem so distinct here compared to home. As the skies brighten I climb a very steep hill cresting just as the sun breaks the horizon, it is idyllic as there is a cafe right at the top, perfect time for my second breakfast.

I ate slow as I thought Christian would catch up to me and join me for breakfast but he didnʼt. There was a spot where I followed a sign but it was not clear. Even walking up the hill I thought I was going the wrong way. It wasnʼt until the top of the climb that there was a sign ensuring I had taken the correct path. I hoped that Christian didnʼt go the wrong way but it kind of looks like he did as I have been walking for 2 hours and he hasnʼt caught up. I asked a couple pilgrims, Niko, and Mix if they saw a tall guy with a large backpack and they all said no. But I sat and had nice conversations with both of them. Niko is walking fast as he is just on a quick vacation from work, he wants to do 40 km a day and Mix is from Slovakia with a fun sense of humour. I finish my breakfast and move on alone.

As I observe my thoughts I notice that they stay with me in the moment, enjoying my surroundings and experiencing fully where I am. My mind is not straying to the past or the future. I donʼt worry about Christian as I know it will all work out. Me on my path and he on his, even though we are walking the same path we are on two completely different journeyʼs. As I get closer to the junction to the longer route to Samus or the alternate route, I wonder what I will do if Christian doesn't catch up. I decide even if Christian doesnʼt catch up I am still going to Samus as it is supposed to be so beautiful. There are still going to be people I know and even if there isnʼt I know I will meet new people and enjoy myself.

Christian finally caught up before the turn to Samus. I was correct he and Alfred had gotten lost and went 7 km out of the way. They hitched a ride back with a Spaniard who took them to the spot where they took the wrong turn. Christian must have been walking fast to have walked 7 km further then I and caught up to me already. We made the turn to Samus and were back to telling stories, Christian said he learnt a lot from getting lost and it was exactly what he needed. See everyone learns the lessons they need to learn. After we got the serious talk out of the way we laughed about the most ridiculous things for the rest of our journey.

The path to Samos was beautiful, with the river beside us and walking under lush greenery that hung over our path.  The river curved back and forth and we crossed it regularly via ancient bridges.  There were old rock walls that bordered the path that were barley visible from the years of growth on top of them.  Christian and I walked through this magical wonderland, laughing the whole time.  I feel like someone had thrown pixie dust on us and we couldn't stop laughing.  Everything Christian said was hilarious.  

Christian talked of a bird in Sweden that represents our spirit and he called it a rooster.  When we were in Santa Domingo there was a church that had chickens in it because of an ancient miracle.  I thought Sweden must have something like that.  He talked about it being so spiritual.  The image in my head was so funny as the last bird I would think of as being spiritual is a rooster.  Then we figured out the word was, dove.  The language barrier makes communication very interesting.  We laughed all the way to a monastery set in the middle of no where. 

As we approached Samos we crested a hill and could see the monastery in the distance.  It felt like we were approaching Shangrila.  It was magical setting, a very memorable place to go for Christian's 40th birthday. As soon as we walked into town we started seeing people we knew. We head to where we are going to spend the night and the accommodations are in one little room in the monastery but there is hardly anyone here and we can pick our own beds. Christian could have had bed #40 for his birthday of #17 for his wedding anniversary. He picked 17 and took a photo to show his wife.

Before siesta we make our way to a restaurant and have a glass of wine and some more Galician soup, it has beans, kale, sausage and potato in it, delicious. Linda and David are here and Mix as well, Alfred and Margaret show up a little later.  Everyone else we know has gone the other way.

After siesta Christian and I go to the pilgrims mass and then have a picnic on a bench by the river that passes in front of the monastery. Dinner is baguette and cheese and salami and pickles and tomatoes, very tasty. I feel very fortunate to have found a friend like Christian. I love all my friends, I have the best friends but it is nice to have some male energy in my life. I have no desire for a relationship as of yet so having a male friend is perfect. Plus he makes me laugh all the time. We decide we are going to be friends forever.   

The Dream

Walking along the creek that twisted and turned under the canopy of lush greenery to Samos, felt like a dream.  The carriage ride with Robin also feels like a dream.  I wonder how I could get so lucky to have these two very magical days in my life.  It makes me feel so at peace with everything around enjoying the beauty of this world.  

With distance everything starts to feel like a dreamlike memory.  Walking to Samos with Christian is but a memory in my past and so is the Camino.  I am now back to living my life and I realize when I try and hold onto these wonderful memories and stop them from being a dream they become a nightmare.  I need to enjoy the moments and let them go into the the memory bank that fuels me and not let them pull me backwards.

Now as I am finishing writing this book about: my stories with Robin, the Camino and my grieving experience, I realize that wonderful dream like Christmas ride through Stanley Park was exactly 20 years ago.  When Robin took me on the carriage ride I had no idea where my life was going.  Where our relationship was headed was a mystery and I was frustrated as I felt things weren't going anywhere.  Now I wish I would have stopped worrying about where things were going and enjoyed the dream even more fully while I had it.  Because no matter what the dream is, it fades and drifts into another dream to be savoured on its own.  

Honestly some of the dreams with Robin were nightmares.  I remember just after we were married I cried saying, "What have I done with my life"!!  But even this nightmare became a funny story we would tell. Life got better and better as we learnt to live together.  But within our 18 years as husband and wife we have wonderful stories and many are wonderful dreamlike moments that I will savouir forever.

My life with Robin was one part of my life and if I try and stay in that world I will never be able to create more dreams for myself with the people I love.  On that magical ride through the park I never knew I would marry that man and create a life with him.  Now as I move forward on my own I treasure each memory and love telling and sharing my life with people.  I am starting to look forward to creating new wonderful and fun experiences with old and new friends and family.

I am thankful for the friendship I developed with Christian and the others on the Camino as it gave me hope for the future.  Before the Camino, new friends and people scared me.  As I laughed and walked with the many new people on my pilgrimage I realized these people aren't scary, instead they are making life fun again.  I am learning to laugh and create new memories without the shadow of my past.