Day 13 - Fun With Friends

May 13th - Day 13

Organic Festival

I made Robin come to the Organic Festival with me on Vancouver Island to listen to a singer I enjoyed and to celebrate healthy living, something Robin did not do.  He wanted to get off the island, so with some coaxing he came along.  I warned him that he couldn’t smoke there and there was only healthy food and healthy people.  Well as his usual routine he had a cigarette at the entrance.  I was so frustrated I left him behind.

When Robin found me inside sampling some organic popcorn he had on a big grin, I asked him what he was up to.  He said while he was having a cigarette this beautiful woman came up and asked him for a cigarette.  I shook my head and continued to look at the other stalls and sampling their product, Robin didn’t  mind sampling the organic cider and wine.  Then all of a sudden this gorgeous over 6 feet tall, beautiful woman with a perfect figure with cloths that accented her every curve, ran up to Robin and gave him a big hug.  Even Robin was taken aback from her enthusiasm, he said she may have been sampling some organic herbs.  We went and watched Jeremy Fisher and Robin requested my favourite song to be played, named “Cigarette”, kind of ironic eh?.  From then on Robin asked when the next Organic Festival was so that we could attend.

San Juan de Ortega to Burgos - 25.6 km 

I woke up at 5:00 and set out,  there is a group of friendly pilgrims that are heading out at the same time. They all have their flashlights out, lighting their way. This is when I am happy to be a slow walker as they quickly walk ahead and I have the peace and tranquillity of my morning back. I rarely use my flashlight relying on the moon to highlight the path and my walking sticks for stability over unwitnessed obstructions.  The only time I get my flashlight out is at the intersections to find the signs that direct my way.

My walk today is broken up by little villages and there is a haze in the air that keeps the sun at bay. Then the never ending walk into the city begins. I can see the city right there in front of me and it feels like we are walking forever and ever. I stop and ask some Spaniards if I am going in the right direction. They tell me, in what seems like 10 minutes of a language that I donʼt understand, ci, I am going the right way and pointing me forward in the direction I am going. When I make it to the albergue many pilgrims are complaining about the long walk into the city, so it isnʼt only me that felt like it went on forever.

This albergue is a very modern facility with elevators to the different floors; it feels like a 5 star hotel. I am in a bunk bed next to Marianne and Jose the Spanish brother and sister team, then the German speaking pilgrims arrive.  I recognize the Brazilians whom I had stayed with in Pamplona, I pass them and they pass me regularly throughout the day and I say hola, hola, hola, hola, hola to each of them, each time they pass me, it is our ritual. We donʼt speak the same language but we have our daily fun.  I made plans to meet up with Christian and Petra at 6:00pm, so I will have my siesta and then set off to meet them.

I wake up from my siesta and donʼt feel like getting up at all. My feet are saying “stay in bed, stay in bed”, I donʼt listen to them and get up to go meet my companions. I leave a little early so I can explore Burgos on my own and find a pharmacy to buy some zinc for the heat rash between my legs. I get an ice cream and sit in the square watching the children play soccer, it seems the same in every square, in every city, the children play with a soccer ball (or should I say football as they call it here). There are always strollers passing with grandparents and parents in tow to show of the little princes and princess to all their friends. 

I am supposed to meet Christian and Petra at 6:00 and it is 5:30 so I go for a little stroll before I meet them and run into them right away. It is funny this Camino, the people you are supposed to meet and learn from are always there, it totally fascinates me. We go for a drink and meet up with Marianna, Josh, and Joel, a Swedish man living in France. We make a unanimous decisions to have drinks first, then go to mass and after go for tapas and sample the blood pudding that Burgos is known for. 

The Sangria definitely enhanced my mass experience as I am a little tipsy, so for future reference I will eat something with my sangria.  All us pilgrims congregate after the mass and talk,  the Brazilians inform me that they will be walking 30 km tomorrow as they have a time schedule they need to stick to. Being that my only interaction with them is hola, hola, hola, hola, hola.  I am not going to walk more to keep up with them, so we say our good byes. With hungry stomachs we head for tapas. It is my last night with Marianna and Jose as they are leaving to go back to work, and Christian and Petra are staying behind to explore Burgos.

Maybe it was the alcohol helping or maybe I was not wallowing in self pity but I am having a really fun time. We laugh .... a lot, eat good food and leave with hugs and hopes we will all meet again in the future. 

Sangrai with Jose, Petra, Marianna, & Joel before mass.

Outside the Cathedral in Burgos with Petra and Christian

  

Having fun with friends

I am so fortunate to have friends that I have known since I was young.  I have always felt blessed for these friendships but it was during this time that I realized how important these old friends truly were to my recovery.  Going anywhere with Robin was always an adventure and everyone who spent time with him always came out with a story.  In comparison to Robin I am so dull.  I was worried after Robin died that my life would be full of boredom, actually I thought I was boring.  I needed to be reminded of who I was before I was with Robin.

My daughter, my nephews, the friends I have on Salt Spring, and Robin’s friends;  only knew me as a partner to Robin, never separate from this union.  It was my friends that knew me before Robin that reminded me of who I was before I met him and that my life had not ended, it is just changing.  I was a person before Robin and I am a person now, after Robin.  They gave me hope.

I can't stress enough how important these relationships are to me.  Before I was a wife I was also a friend, a cousin, a niece, a daughter, and a grand daughter, I was not just a wife.  I gravitated to these people leaving my current friends behind for awhile.  Fortunately my current relationships were strong enough to withstand this period in my life because they were emotionally aware enough to understand my situation.  I have good friends, old and new!  This has been the biggest piece of solace of my process of embracing my new life of being alone. As much as I am alone, I am not alone.  

Now I am on the Camino I am meeting new friends that are meeting me separate from Robin, I am on my own again.  Friendships are wonderful surprises that come at just the perfect time.  Just as Robin meeting the beautiful woman at the Organic festival enhanced his enjoyment of something he would not enjoy at all, these people I am meeting on the Camino are bringing me so much fun and healing on my journey.  

Day 12 - The Thrill of The Ride

May 12th - Day 12
The Thrill of the Ride

Robin has a 1975 - 750 Kawasaki.  It was his baby and every time he changed residences since his early 20's, this motorbike went with him.  It was rarely on the road for good reason,  Robin lost all sense of control when his bum hit the seat.

He went to get it fixed by a man named Bad Billy, a very good mechanic, whom his professional motorbike racing friend, Tim depended on.  After Bad Billy finished the work he told Robin to take it for a spin, up and down the alley, to see how much better it was running.  Robin happily obliged and Tim and I waited, and waited and waited and waited some more.  Tim gave me that look that it was time to figure out what has happened.  We got in Tim's truck and set out to look for Robin, he wasn't in the alley, so we drove onto the road, when we saw the red and blue flashing lights in the distance we knew what direction to head.

Robin was with the police officer and happier then I had ever seen him.  The police officer was nodding and smiling as he was writing in his book.  Tim and I approached and Robin said enthusiasticlly, "that was the BEST ride of my life!!  When I got to the end of the alley I just couldn't stop."  Tim said we'll go get the flatbed to transport the bike back.  When we got back the police officer was still writing.  Robin wasn't wearing a helmet, he had no liscence, as it had expired, there was no insurance on the bike, he was speeding and there was something else I can't remember. I just shook my head, and said, oh Robin.  

I lived with the consequences of that ride for quite awhile as Robin couldn't drive until he paid the fines.  But it was just so funny and such a good story that it was worth the negative side effects.  

Belorado to San Juan de Ortega - 24.3 km

I never slept a wink last night instead I waited for the bell tower to add another tole every hour. So at 5 chimes I am out of bed like a flash, I get all packed up and am ready to go. The walk is exceptionally nice today as it is broken up by many smaller towns along the way. Then there are some grades up and down surrounded by trees and later the sun.

I decide I donʼt want to stay in this place of grief and that I am ready to move forward. It is hard leaving Robin behind but I am also angry with him for dying. But there were lots of things I am mad at Robin for; we had been creating a life together and he ended that by his stupid mistake. We always did things that Robin wanted, I guess, I did things that he wanted. I lived my life around Robinʼs agenda. I was mad, no I am mad, but I donʼt want to stay here. I am ready to move forward. Everyone says the best way to move forward is to forgive, so I start to do that. 

With every step I take I forgive something about Robin. I begin, “I forgive you for dying, I forgive you for being so disorganized, I forgive you for being crappy with money, I forgive you for not wanting to have a baby, I forgive you for wasting money on beer and cigarettes, I forgive you for snoring, I forgive you....and the list went on. I actually could find a lot of things to forgive him for. But then I ran out and I still had many km to walk so I started to forgive myself. I forgive myself for not putting boundaries earlier, I forgive myself for not doing more of the things I wanted to do, I forgive myself for wasting precious time we had together getting mad at you for smoking and drinking, I forgive myself for not managing your money better, I forgive myself for not cuddling you more .... and the list went on. But again I still had many more km. so I started to forgive the other people in my life that had done things that I needed to forgive them for. After I was done I still had more km to walk but I felt calmer, my mind felt quieter. Each step was more about me not about anyone else.

I guess forgiveness made my pace was a bit quicker today and I made it to the monastery before Christian and Petra. When they arrived they informed me that they had talked to other pilgrims and many are staying to explore Burgos for an extra day and they are going to do that as well. I instantly felt my heart stop, I felt so sad. Petra asked if I wanted to stay and explore the city as well, but their was no desire inside me to stay either. I could not stop my journey but I wanted them to stay with me on my journey, not stay behind.

I comfort myself by saying, I am sure I will meet up with them again, but I really don’t know.  Today I forgave with every step. I feel like them staying behind is such a poor reward for all the inner work I did today on forgiveness and letting go. It feels horrible to have made friends and now they are leaving and I may never see them again.

I sit with Christian, Petra and Marta and Joel, a young Spanish couple. I am here now enjoying this time we have together, for it may be all we have ... ever. Or they will come to visit me in Canada and I will visit them, or we will talk on the phone or look at each others Facebook, no matter today is not the end of our friendships I convince myself. 

After siesta the peach sandstone church held my favorite mass so far.  The church had a stone monument and everyone placed candles all around on the ground. It was very moving and then the priest individually put a necklace of a cross on each pilgrims neck. He was a very soft spoken and gentle man, whom I couldnʼt understand a word he said, but it was all said with much sincerity.

For dinner we had the pilgrims dinner served in the basement of the monastery.  It is the worst pilgrims meal so far, actually it was one of the worst, if not the worst meal I have ever eaten in my entire life. It brought us so much laughter and fun mocking that the taste was forgotten and memories were created. There is a bottle of wine on the table, I thought it was included to compensate for the horrible meal but we found out quickly that we had stolen an American pilgrims wine. We quickly replace the bottle and consumed even more.

Today has been my favorite day so far and also my saddest. The contrasting feelings of forgiveness and then loss, of laughter and absolutely horrible food and then the very memorable mass I know this day will be etched in my mind forever. 

Forgiveness

Looking back on the incident with Robin and his motorbike I realize now that I could respond without anger because I was with Robin to enjoy him, I didn't depend on him.  Living life right now I am fully capable of taking care of myself.  Plus we had never created a life where I needed him.  We had no children together, I didn't rely on him financially, we socialized quite seperately.  But the time he and I spent together was quality time.  I miss the adventures he took me on!  I am fortunate I don't miss what he did for me.  I thought I needed him but I know now I thoroughly enjoyed him.  I rarely put the brakes on to curb him.  He lived life fully and I did in return because I went along for the ride and what a ride it was.  

As I walked, I realized that I hadn’t forgiven Robin for all the negative things and even the positive things that I missed.  Each thing I forgave, whether it was bad or good, I  forgave with a tear, I wondered if I will ever stop crying.  But as the items to forgive run out so do my tears.  I feel with each step I am moving forward.  I am coming out of this hole that I found myself in.

Through this whole process it has felt so unfair.  The instant I forgave then I was given another lesson.  I felt that moving ahead would set me free but it was like I was in jail and about to escape to my freedom only to find myself in another cell looking again for the key to help me escape.  I am hoping I will be shown the way out sooner rather than later.  The work I am doing feels pointless as every step forward I am giving another challenge.

Day 11 - My Own Pace

May 11th - Day 11

For Robin’s 30th we headed to Shuswap Lake and rented a house boat for 4 days.  He had just purchased a remote control boat that went 50 mph and he wanted to play.  I was thrilled to be in a place where I could just be in or on the water all day and night.  The house boat slept 11 people but we just wanted to be alone together.....well... we weren’t really alone, we had a 3 ft, very loud and very fast remote control boat with us.  Robin was obsessed, he played with it from the time the sun came up, till the time the sun went down.  I complained as Robin never went swimming with me.  If he wasn’t playing with his boat he was working on it and making adjustments so it could perform better.  If I wanted to spend time with him I had to take pictures of his boat in action.  

Finally after I complained, quite enough, he went into the water and swam around with me for about 5 minutes, until a man in a power boat came along and said, “Was that your remote control boat?”  Well Robin was delighted he swam back to the boat, invited the man aboard, showed him the boat and then gave him a demo.  I brought 2 magazines and a book with me, I read them all and even read all the ads in the magazine.  This is not what I imagined this vacation to be like at all.  After 3 days I phoned up some of our friends and invited them aboard.  I had enough of quality time with Robin or should I say his boat!!

Robin just after he opened up his new boat

Our house boat on the Shuswap.  I even got stuck driving as Robin played :(

Santo Domingo to Belorado - 22.9 km

The nuns didnʼt open the doors until 6:00 am so it feels like a late start. The sun starts to come up at 6:30 so it feels like I am starting at noon. I am really enjoying my time in the darkness watching everything come to life before my eyes. In the darkness I miss out on some of the sights but I think I gain more in my solitude. It is really hot day today so it is always good to start early to miss some of the heat.

I also need to start early as everyone is so much faster then I am and everyone passes me on the trail. I wonder if I would get beds so easily if I started later, I donʼt think so. I can enjoy my slow pace and not feel like it is a race for a bed, as everyone tells me, this is what they hate about the Camino. I donʼt feel this pressure as I always get to places at a reasonable time due to my early start.

I enjoy my brief conversations with people. The other pilgrims chatter is nice breaks from the perpetual dialogue that roams in my own head. I wish there was some way for me to move past this perpetual sadness I feel with every step. But as I said the little conversations help. Mary quickly passes as she is a very fast walker, she will be staying at the parish when she arrives at our next destination, there are only 24 beds so the chances of me getting a bed walking at my speed is slim as I may not get in there in time.  We agree to meet at the parish to boil some eggs for our snacks for the next day. I walk with my head up today and see the amazing view. We are along a highway at some points, many pilgrims complain but as it is so hot I enjoy the swish of wind that the semi-trucks generate as they drive past. A nice relief from the heat.  

Entering the next town I get out my book to find the directions to the parish, I hope there is still room, but just as I am looking Petra comes up behind me and says that Christian walked ahead and is at a private albergue and there is space there. This group of German speaking people all have phones so they can communicate with each other when they get separated. I follow Petra and there is just enough room for me. The nice thing about being with other people is they share a washing machine and then hang the cloths dry. The fresh smell of my clothes coming out of the washer makes me feel so clean and fresh.

There is a quaint little courtyard that we sit and talk in while we are waiting for the wash to be put on the line. The family from Vancouver is here and some other familiar faces. As soon as the laundry is done I will head out to find Mary but then I didnʼt need to as she finds me. Mary, Petra, Christian and I go explore and end up in the square. It feels nice to be sitting with these people and making friends. Maryʼs foot is sore and she is going to have to stay here for one day and maybe take a bus ahead.

Again I feel the ache of separation, I was building a relationship with Mary and now she is not moving on but we say that surely we will bump into each other again. Her foot will get repaired and she will continue on. We get each others contact information so we can stay in touch when we get home. I am happy that Christian and Petra are still here. We head back for a siesta before the pilgrims mass.

Even though I donʼt have a time piece, in Spain it doesnʼt really matter as there is always a church in town that chimes on the hour. At 5 chimes I get up to write in my journal before going to mass at 6 chimes. Christian gets up at the same time, as we enter the courtyard he bluntly asks, “You cry today?” That is the nice thing about not knowing someones language and the hard thing. There is no beating around the bush, things are direct and to the point and sometimes hit me hard. “Yes” I reply. I wish I didnʼt cry everyday. I am getting really tired of crying.

I am thankful for these people around me, Petra and Christian make me laugh and it feels so good to laugh. I said to Petra, there is no in between with Christian either he is making me laugh or he is making me cry. We canʼt have a conversation as we donʼt know each others language enough. But I guess I need to cry and I need to laugh.  It feels nice that through the good byes to everyone else they remain.  

My own pace

It's easier for people to walk at their own pace then someone else's pace.  It is important to walk at your own pace in life and not slow down or speed up to stay with anyone no matter how important they are to you.  It is important to create and lead your own life within the life you spend with other people.  Even though I loved being with and spending time with Robin I had my own dreams that involved him 100% and other activities at different degrees of involvement.

Fortunately I had planned on walking the Camino before Robin died. My friend Sam and I were going to walk together but she had to have an operation on her ankle so there was no way she could do it this year. As we planned and talked about the journey we could see what the finish would be like; we would enter Santiago with Robin there to great us, applauding a job well done. We said he would have gotten there early and met everyone in town, we were confident he would have found all the best places to go eat and drink upon our arrival. We would have been surrounded with his new found friends, because this is what it was like to live with Robin, he was a magnet of people, especially interesting ones.

Now I have no one meeting me at the end. There was no future for me to look forward to. Not just at the end of the Camino but there after. When I had planned on meeting Robin at the end, every step I took would be getting me closer to him. Now in contrast every step I take I am going further and further away from Robin. He is becoming a distant memory and each step feels so painful as I walk away from my past into a nothingness of my future. I can not see any future for myself. Robin was my future. Why  couldnʼt he have stayed alive? Why did he have to die? Why canʼt I just get this out of my head and think of something else....anything else.

I feel so frustrated when people would tell me how hard it was for them to loose Robin.  I felt my pain was so much more intense then theirs.  My life had been totally altered.  The future I had imagined for myself was completely false and has vanished.  I feel like I have no future at all, my future is invisible.  People would tell me, I was not the only one that had lost something...they had lost something too.  Well yes they had.  I was not denying that, but they go on with their lives exactly the way they had the day before.  My life had totally changed forever.  I was not the person to be complaining to.  Robin’s mom, as well, had just lost her only son, she was not the person to be complaining to.  Everyone else lost a person.  There were only a select few people whose lives were completely off track because he died.  

So when some people tried to walk the same pace as me, it hurt me, it scared me, when I tried to walk their pace emotionally it hurt them, it scared them.  We had to walk and recover at our own pace in our own time, definitely without each other.  Just as it is hard to see Mary stay behind or Bianca and Diana gone home on the Camino, they are at their pace and I am at my pace. 

Now when I look back on Robin's and my life together, even the times when we were together, we were still doing our own things.  I had learned through our experiences together to do the things that entertained me because the things that entertained him weren't always something I found interesting.  Most of the time I was walking or swimming or reading or writing or taking photos or weaving or spinning or doing some sort of craft and he was shooting or doing metal work or playing with his remote control vehicles or throwing knives or working on cars.  We did completely our own things but we did them beside each other.  Even though we had two totally different paths they were beside each other all the time.  I find myself walking this new path alone and it feels very foreign, in all ways a thing could feel foreign.

Day 10 - Celebrations Everywhere

May 10th - Day 10

There was always some hair brained idea that Robin would get in his head.  The last one was that he was going to be a YouTube sensation.  He started to do his homework by watching YouTube.  The step in the direction of his dream was to get videos to upload to his channel, and that is when I started to live on egg shells.  I never knew when I was going to be the star of one of his next pranks.  But it wasn't only me though, his coworkers were his main targets most of the time.  Every time he came home with one of his pranks on his camera I helped him edit it and put t up on his Youtube channel.  He never became a celebrity but he was a star not just in my life but so many others.

Working overnights exhausts me.  Arriving home from an especially tiring shift, Robin greeted me at the top of the driveway with one of his loving hugs.  I needed that today, I thought to myself.  I  trudged my way up the ramp to our front door, anticipating my head hitting the pillow.   When I opened the front door, glaring me in the eyes was a wolf! I screamed, turned and ran and in that instant I realized Robin had propped up his wolf skin just to scare me as I was looking directly into his camera.  I screamed at Robin and said, "I don’t want a stuffed wolf in my house".  Oh, he was in trouble.  It is still on Youtube for people to laugh at my misfortune. 

Robin had a movie star quality about him.  We were on the ferry headed to Vancouver and there was a couple who had just spent the weekend on Salt Spring.  They loved it and said they couldn’t believe how many well known artists, writers, actors and such lived on the island.  Then the lady looked at Robin and said, “and who are you?”  Robin's reply was awash with boldness and unrepentant pride.  "I am the garbage man."  He worked at the transfer station at the time, and as you can imagine, he was delighted with his own response.  

Najera to Santo Domingo - 21.0 km

I woke up early due to someoneʼs alarm going off and alerting all 90 of us.  After pulling my things together, I start in the dark and there is a steep hill right away. The path is difficult to see so it takes my mind off the steepness and I focus on watching for signs to direct my way. Christian passes me as we climb the hill like he is not even climbing a hill.  He got up at the same time as me due to the alarm but he takes longer to get walking as he has a hot oatmeal breakfast. I eat my fruit while I walk so I can leave as soon as I am packed.  I think I do this so I don’t have to talk to people in the morning, mornings seem to be hard, I cry a lot. I wish I would stop crying. I wish my mind could break free of the thought of loosing Robin and start to think about why I am here and what am I going to do with the rest of my life? But no, I canʼt think about that, so all I do is cry and walk.  I am seriously tired of all this crying.

When I get to the first town for my second breakfast of, potato omelet and hot chocolate, I see Christian outside the cafe. Iʼm almost up to talking so sit with him after receiving my order. “How is your morning?” he asks. 

“Oh I think too much” I tell him, “I wish I could be like you and not think and just enjoy the moment.” I can feel my eyes start to get teary. 

“Today I think about my family and how much I love them”, Christian says.

“You are lucky” I say, as I excuse myself to the bathroom.  I could feel the tears coming and I didn’t want him to see or know of my grief.

Holding myself together I come back to don my backpack. Christian asks me, “Are you thinking of your man?”. I immediately start to cry. I nod yes and leave before he can see how much I am crying. Luckily no one is around as I cry, and I cry more as I walk. I guess Bianca had told Christian that my husband had died, which is easier as I didʼt have to, but it is hard to face the reality of my life. The crying is cleansing but it sure isnʼt fun. I am walking with my head down as Christian catches up to me.  He asks me how my husband died. I tell him through my tears but it feels good to start to tell people my story.  Christian walks on and my head focuses again to my feet as I watch the ground where I step, oblivious to my surroundings. After awhile I look up and see there are hot air balloons in the distance dotting the blue sky over the red poppy fields. It is very beautiful, and I am missing out by not looking up.

It feels like a long walk into town. It is made easier with conversation from the Spaniard named Jose, the brother of the brother/sister who has joined me. It really does make it easier to walk and talk, the time does go quicker and keeps my mind busy. Jose is patient as his sister Marianna is also a slow walker like me. When we get to the albergue, Christian is first in line at the parish run by nuns. It looks like there isnʼt many people in line but there is a regiment from the UK and the sergeant in front of me is holding all 14 of the soldiers passports and pilgrims passport.  I have my doubts bt thankfully end up with one of the 33 beds. Jose goes to look for Marianna at the municipal and ends up staying at that albergue instead. Right behind me comes Mary, a New Zealander, whom I had dinner with her the first night in Roncesvalles. We get a room together in the convent with only 3 beds in one room.  This is a rare luxury. An Australian woman joins us, so we have a comfortable room with all women, we can get dressed and undressed, right in our room.  It feels so freeing, plus there is the added bonus of no snorers, or so they said.

After our routine of washing, Mary and I head out toand since this is where we are, there is a big festival. People are dressed and dancing, enjoying a huge street party in the square. It is very apparent that order is not the goal; there are many bands playing at the same time, people trying to sing louder then the next group, spraying water at each other and 10 foot tall puppets parading through the crowd. As we approach the church we see, there is a bull pulling a cart with branches.  The priest blesses them with holy water, then the elders each take a branch and carry it into the church. Next, the bull and its cart are escorted away by prancing dancers clanging bells in their hands.

Standing eventually becomes an effort, so we sit and have a drink. I wondered how the towns people have so much energy to jump up and down and dance but then I remember they havenʼt walked 21 km today. I have to leave to go have a nap, and even with the boisterous festivities outside I sleep well; I seem to sleep better during siesta then at night, I have no idea why.  

Today is Mother's Day in Canada, so after siesta Mary and I walk around town looking for a phone. My thoughtful daughter had given me a letter and pictures to open on Motherʼs Day, so I wanted to phone her and my mom. It is Sunday in the middle of a festival, but we find a place, it is meant to be. Then we meet Cheryl later for dinner and indulge in a pilgrims meal. It is good but honestly ... it isnʼt anything to write home about, it is just better then other ones. Cheryl seems very bitter from her divorce, she asks me if I have a partner, to which I replied “no” and in a very cold manner she asks if I am divorced too. I say, "no my husband died" and she says sorry. The contrast between a divorce and a death seems so huge in the way it effects a person. I was loved and the relationship ended with love but Cheryl  seems so resentful and angry that her relationship ended; very sad. 

I head back to the albergue and before I go to bed I seek out Christian to say “Thank-you” for listening to me while I cried. It seems so strange that someone who doesnʼt understand much of what I say can be so comforting. I guess it is the importance of saying it, and not whether anyone actually understands what I am saying. For whatever reason it feels healing and I am happy to be in this town with these people, who are becoming my friends through each passing conversation. 

Celebrations Everywhere

Everyone else’s lives go on.  As I watched the celebrations in the square I got caught up in the enthusiasm.  It was wonderful to see everyone so happy and full of life.  There were so many people laughing and having fun and I am sure many people in the crowd had pain and suffering in their lives and yet they are here, so full of life.  I didn’t want to miss out on life’s joys because I have lost my partner.  Especially since the person I lost was so full of life, remembering him with sadness does not seem appropriate.

Everything, anyone, did with Robin was turned into a celebration of that day.  The people around him were all actors in the movie he was creating.  I was no longer the actor in his movie and I felt almost insulted when people saw me as an available actor for their life.  I didn’t like the script of their lives, I had enjoyed the script of my own life.  I didn’t want a new role.  I enjoyed the role I was in and I loved the director, Robin Guy Gibbard.  

I am fortunate, as I am a person who lives very much in the moment, I guess that is why Robin and I were a good match. The problem is when I am in the moment right now, in my grief, I feel there is no end in sight. I feel like I am going to be grief stricken forever. Every moment is an eternal moment. I like to be positive and see what is good in each moment but it is so extremely hard. I feel this huge absence in my life and it feels like such a huge hole that will never ever be filled. I have no faith in my future. 

So many people around me are so willing to take me into their lives, support, take care of, enjoy, but I feel the urge to push everyone away right now as I try and figure out what I want this next movie of my life to look like.  I had to eliminate people from my life who took ownership of my path.  Maybe they felt they were rescuing or helping me but to me it felt like they were kidnapping me.

Some people felt that I should be getting a WCB claim from Robin but I knew that this would not be an easy journey.  The last thing I felt like doing was reliving the worst day of my life again and again.  This was far from putting me on a path of healing.  I was the only one who could feel what was right for me, on my journey.  People that thought they were trying to help or rescue me, caused more pain then help.

I have no idea where my life is going or what I am doing, but I am determined to create my own course, lead by my own internal guidance system.  No one but me can feel my intuition.

Day 9 - Everything Has It's Place To Help Me Through

May 9th - Day 9

Testing Our Friendship

How did Robin and I know we were right for each other?  About 6 months after our initial meeting with the rose we became friends and would spend a lot of time together.  We both would warn each other of how annoying our previous partners would get with us.  So we decided to put the relationship to the test and we headed out on a camping trip for a weekend.  We rented a van, and ventured off on a logging road towards Squamish.  We found a perfect spot in the woods where Robin could set up his targets and shoot.  It had snowed, so we cleared a spot and put down a tarp.  On top of that we put a mattress with ample blankets, then another tarp we hung from the trees to keep us dry.  Robin then put all the army men (targets) in the woods and we began to shoot them with his air gun.
  

Robin made a delicious meal on his tiger torch stand of bacon and beans.  As the sun went down he put candles in the bush with raw eggs in front of them to eluminate the targets.  It was so much fun shooting at and hitting the raw eggs and watching them explode highlighted by the candle behind them, it looked like an art exhibit.  We ate stews and shot the targets in the trees all weekend long.

Two days later on the way we stopped at a restaurant smelling so much of campfire that the waitress commented.  From this day every time we smell of a smoke we remind each other of that initial camping trip where we learned that we both could handle being with each other for an extended period of time. Having a campfire was a very common occurance in our relationship, it was one of those things that brought us together and kept us connected.   

Logrono to Najera - 30.1 km

I sit down and relax every day to write in my journal forgetting how much pain I am in during the day. So Iʼll write it right away before I forget. I am in pain all the time. Every part of me is sore. As I lay in bed I feel like there is no way that I can walk tomorrow because I am in too much pain. When I wake, it feels like a miracle, I actually feel up to walking. The body's ability to repair itself amazes me. It is like a miracle is happening to me everyday.  Not just I feel this way as I hear it from so many pilgrims who are astonded when their bodies actually work and they can walk again for another day.

My day started around 5:00. It is strange how a city has a way of making you hate it when you get lost in it, in the darkness. The signage was horrible. Luckily there were drunk Spaniards still roaming the streets from their parties the night before. I would only go 2 blocks without a sign before turning back and retracing my steps.  It was just so frustrating trying to find the signs. My perception of Logrono totally changed after this difficult exit.

I had planned my route for the day and I am not going to go the full 30.1 km everyone else is walking. I am going to make my life easier, get rid of some of this pain and focus on myself instead of meeting people. I am good at going off on my own and doing my own thing. I donʼt need people around me to make this journey enjoyable; they can actually they make it less enjoyable, because saying good-bye is so painful. I am not going to get to know these people over the next 20 days and then have to say good bye. I am going my own way.

Christian passes me, we hadnʼt seen each other the previous night so we fill each other in on the albergues we each stayed at. His sounded really nice but I was glad I stayed with Diana and Bianca. I learned what I needed to learn and that was to continue on my own. I said “Buen Camino”, he said “Buen Camino”. It felt sad saying good bye I probably will never see him again. It is strange that I hardly know these people and good byeʼs were so hard. Probably because we are sharing such a unique experience, these are the few people who will ever understand my journey. The sign said the village was in 1 km and this is where we will be parting my ways.

I walked and walked what felt like forever. I told myself they must have meant 1.9 km and just put 1 km. This last km of the day is really doing me in. I was relieved to see a large building approaching when Marco, an Italian photographer, passed me.  I pointed to the large building approaching telling him I was going to be staying there and wouldnʼt be going to Najera for  the night. We said “Buen Camino” and he walked on. As I got closer to the building there was no town surrounding it, I looked everywhere for an entrance to the building and none. I got out my book to see if it could give me a better idea of where I was going. The guide book said that the way is a little confusing and often missed. Marco was stopped taking photos of the vineyard and said that we had about another 8 km to Najera.  Obviously I missed my destination, I decided to continue forward rather then go back 2-3 kms. Strangely all of a sudden I started to feel more energized and my step quickened proceeding to the next village. As much as I didnʼt want to see the familiar faces I felt the pull of this Camino family.

Arriving into town I ran into a fellow pilgrim from Vancouver who said the municipal was full. A fellow pilgrim was just passing and heard as well so we quickly walked to the parish albergue to secure a bed there. When we arrived at the parish the volunteer said it was full. The man I was walking with motioned to sit on the bench outside and he proceeded to phone different places to stay. I just casually sat there and let him take control of the situation. A little while later the lady said there was again room in the line up. The albergue wasnʼt full just the line up to get into the room to register, so my bed was obtained. I found my bed and became worried as the bunk beds were right beside each other, my bed companion would be laying right next to me. I was hoping it would be a female. I had a shower and then went to wash my clothes where I ran into Christian. He was surprised to see me and I told him how I missed the town. 

On returning to my bed I was relieved to find that my bed companion was Margaret the German I had met a few days earlier. Then Lea another traveller I see a lot was above me, the familiar faces started to appear there was Marco and Stephen and Joanna and G and Christian and Petra and Margaret and Marianne and Jose. I was happy to see everyone, but still went off on my own to enjoy the town. I didnʼt want to open up to them, I wanted to stay in my cocoon of protection.

I found the church and mass had already begun so I slipped in the back. Older Spanish ladies were coming in and out of the church whispering to each other. All of a sudden one of the ladies started to yell at the priest and then she left. The other women still went in and out. Even though I didnʼt know what was going on I slipped out with a chuckle and left them to their own drama. Later that evening I ran into a pilgrim, Martin from Germany, whom had been in the church at the same time. He stayed the entire service and said it got even worse. She was yelling and the priest who stayed very stoic. With a better understanding of Spanish, Martin said that the problem the lady was having was that he started mass early. So funny!

I chose a restaurant that serves spaghetti with meat sauce and hamburgers. I'm having the spaghetti, feeling a little guilty for eating North American food in Spain but it is a nice relief from the pilgrims meals or a baguette and fixings. The albergue is on the river so I sit and write in my journal on the grass beside it and it feel the calm. I could see the albergue from where I sit and it was nice seeing the familiar faces coming and going. I am glad I am here they are not so bad. I was in the albergue with 90 other people in one room, it was hot and noisy so I didnʼt get much sleep but their familiar annoying noises sound strangely comfortable. 

Everything was in its place to help me through

The sequence of events that happened before Robin died that helped me through this process I find miraculous. I was already doing things and had a sound grounding in many activities and beliefs that gave me strength that I didn't even know I had.  Some started when I was young when I was given a strong grounding in my beliefs.  My family and extended family never modelled to me any fear of death.  I always knew it was a process of living and our spirits were eternal.  The job I had chosen for myself  was a home support worker, which lead me to doing palliative care as an occupation.  I helped people through the dying experience.  I have always felt honoured to share this space with people.  It is a very sacred time and I feel very priveliged that I can be there to help and support families through this process.  I read a book "Dying to be Me" by a woman who had a near death experience.  This book profoundly effects how I feel about death and have no fear of the process.

I have had life experiences that helped me get through this experience with more strength.  Even the simple ones, like when our dog died suddenly.  I knew I could get through that experience, and I will get through this experience.  Our house was sold so we were renting and living in a very healing space.  A home that Robin didn't spend lots of time at so I don't have reminders of him wherever I look.  I was reunited with my daughter whom I adopted out at birth and she had a son whom brings so much light to all our lives. Robin had developed a strong lasting bond with both of them before he died and I am sure it will last a life-time for them both.


I had already been doing activities before Robin's death that made a huge impact in how I navigated myself through this healing process.  I was participating in and attending a "Year to Love" with Ahava Shira, a journalling a writing program.  I was also registered and participating in Brene Brown's Art Journalling Class.  I had signed up and was training for the Tough Mudder and I had already planned on doing the Camino with my friend Sam.

The biggest part of my past that is helping with my present is the strength in the relationships I have around me.  I am so blessed with an amazing family.  I have good friends here on Salt Spring but most of all I have life long friends that have been here walking this journey with me.  I bless my past as it strengthens my present.  Whenever Robin and I would smell like campfire, the memory of that initial camping trip would come back to remind us that we were meant to be together.  I love past memories that give strength and momentum to present moments, they feel like little bits of magic.

A page from my art journalling class with Brene Brown.

Day 8 - Feeding the Giant

May 8th - Day 8 

Feeding the Giant

You know when you first fall in love with someone there is that thing you love ... that draws you into your partner?  That thing that pulls you in and you believe it is the best thing in the world?  Then years into the relationship all of a sudden that thing that you loved so much becomes the thing you hate.

Well that thing with Robin was his complete passion and love of life and his complete and utter ability to live in the moment.  I so loved this about Robin.  I had never met anyone like him!  When he smoked he did it passionately and enjoyed every last puff on his cigarette to the fullest, so much so that it made me want him to smoke, and I HATE smoking.  When you put food that he loves in front of him he devoured it with such enthusiasm and appreciation you just wanted to keep feeding him.  Everyone loved feeding Robin.  His zest for life was addictive to everyone around him.  

We were eating a seafood buffet on a visit to The Sirloiner at Granville Island and Robin was enjoying his muscles after he dipped each in butter.  He used no utensil; he got right in there with his hands. There were no manners diverting him from his pleasure.  A young woman came up and said my Grandpa would love to see you eat because you eat so passionately. He was a site to see, as anyone who knew him could agree and everyone has dozens of eating and food stories about Robin.  

The only difference with being with someone like this as your partner, is that very soon after I moved from, enjoying eating with Robin, into having to feed Robin.  These are two totally different situations.  There were times we went to other people's houses and I could see how much pleasure they received from having him enjoy their meal, that it again brought me pleasure.  But the day in and day out of having to feed him was exhausting.  The dishes, the pots and pans but especially the money, it was expensive.  Plus, as much as he worked and earned, his day to day living expenses always exceeded his income thus digging into my income.  This I began to hate.  As much as his happiness made me happy I didn't feel it was fair that it took away from my enjoyment in life, as I had things I was passionate about as well.  

Robin and I were married and I wanted to stay married and we couldn't do that if I was perpetually resentful.  So I created boundaries.  He had to cook a lot of his own meals and clean up after himself, even if that  meant leaving the dishes for a day before he cleaned them. If I had to make a meal I also had to be able to eat it without gaining 10 pounds, low fat was not in Robin's vocabulary.  I recently put him on a $15 a day budget.  Believe me he hated this one.  For me to love Robin I had to put up boundaries that protected our relationship.  He did this as well for me, my issues are ... well... I’ll just keep those to myself. 

Los Arcos to Logrono - 28.6 km

I was awakened when the first person woke up. I gather my stuff together and begin my morning routine. As I am leaving I look at the clock on the wall and it is 3:30. I guess I had gotten up at 3:00. I see the man who had gotten up causing me to rise and he is doing his devotional. Oh well, I am up, I might as well start walking. The white clay path is eliminated by the full moon and the stars seemed so bright. The constellations seem more pronounced then at home and easier to identify. I could have been a pilgrim walking this path 1000 years earlier and right now, under the stars, I look exactly the same. I only pass one man with his two dogs. He is more startled to see me then I am to see him. Walking all alone under the stars just me and my thoughts makes this one of my most memorable walks on my pilgrimage so far.  I feel back to living in the moment, right now I realize I haven't thought of anything unhappy. I feel at one with the universe. I feel small and big both at the same time.

Well it is easy to get through Viana before Shylo caught up with me due to my early departure. This alone made it all worth the early start. As I exit the city Bianca and Diana catch up with me. They are the first people that pass me. I am sure others did on my morning pit stops but I didnʼt notice anyone. It is the perfect place to meet up as we have to pass a herd of sheep being corralled on the path, very picturesque. The sisters walk with me for a bit but my slow pace is too hard for them. They say they are staying at the municipal in Logrono so I said I will see them there.

I am tired today as this is the longest distance I have walked in one day, that,  and I have been up since 3:30. I see Bianca and Diana and have my shower and then go for an early siesta. On the next bunk over I meet Marianna and her brother Jose, they are from Spain and very friendly. I am too tired to talk though, but I am sure I will meet them again in the future.  

I told Bianca I would meet them at 6:00. I wanted to go for dinner with them as this was their last night on the Camino. They are doing it in chunks and will come back next year on their vacation together, to do another leg of the journey. I had only spent one day with them, but am feeling sad they were leaving. They wanted to meet with the others to say goodbye, but no one was staying at the albergue we were at.  When I woke from my siesta I am so tired, I wish I hadnʼt said I would go for dinner. I wanted to sleep and sleep. But I got up and Bianca was on a mission to find out where Klaus, Linda, Anna, Petra, Margaret and Christian were. I said I would go check out the parish and they would try and connect on their phones.  

At the parish I couldnʼt find a way in, so I head back, and on the side of the road were two teen boys trying to get a sleeping mattress over a wall into a courtyard. One of them had a broken leg with a cast, so I thought it would be good for me to help. But even with my help they couldnʼt get the mattress over the wall so they rolled over a large garbage container to stand on. The two boys, even the one with the broken leg, stood on the unsteady container, I handed them sticks and poles to help leverage the mattress over. They spoke Spanish, I spoke English and we didnʼt understand each other at all. I asked them why they didnʼt wait until they had the key for the door but they didnʼt understand so I continued to help. They finally got it over and we cheered triumphantly. As I walked away I realized they were probably two street kids and this is where they were going to sleep, in a vacant courtyard, on a old used mattress. I think I am an accomplice to them squatting there this evening.

When I got back to the albergue, the sisters had not connected with anyone so we just wandered the streets of Logrona looking for a place to eat. We bumped into Klaus and Linny and Anna and another German. This made Bianca happy to say goodbye. It was strange walking the streets in pursuit of someone elseʼs goal. I did enjoy myself but there was a tug a war inside me each time I did things with other people. Especially people who were leaving. I felt like, what was the point of pursuing their quests and building a relationship when they are about to leave? I had only met Bianca and Diana the day before, so this is only the second day with them and I am already missing them. I hate living someone elseʼs agenda but I also hate saying good bye.

I said it before but I will say it again. This is my journey. I am not going to make it about other people. I am going to make it about myself. I am not going to go the full distance tomorrow. I am going to stop early at a little town. This isnʼt about making friends, it is about healing my heart and figuring out what I am going to do with my own life. This is about me not “them”. whoever “them” is! 

Now I’m Angry - Compromise

Someone asked me if I was sad that Robin and I never had children, now that he has died. I responded with, “I am not sad, I am angry". We always did things the way Robin wanted and now 3 months after I have a hysterectomy he goes and dies. Robin had such a strong personality and I was more easy going so most of the time our life goals revolved around Robinʼs desires. Donʼt get me wrong, I went along because I enjoyed his passions but now he was dead, what did I have to show for going along with all the things he wanted? I feel angry! Very angry!!

I had been married to Robin for 18 years, and now I am here on my own having to take care of myself. I hated it! When he was alive I would get so mad at him for drinking and smoking and for his extremely poor diet. I would cry and say you are going to leave me here alone. And that is exactly what he did. I am here alone. I am angry and I am sad. 

I am tired about talking to people about the sadness of Robin dying.  They will always be just sad as he was a sliver in their life.  Most people never got the short end of the stick with Robin as for them he was all fun and games.  His poor choices did not affect them, they affected me!  It is Robin’s fault he is dead, he was completely stupid and irresponsible.  

Do you want to hear how this stupid husband of mine died.  Well you know that dreadful coffee sludge he drinks?  Well he thought he was drinking his coffee and he drank degreasing fluid instead.  He and his coworkers phoned poison control and he threw it up.  Then he did nothing.  He didn’t go to the doctor.  He was getting tired so he took a day off.  He went to town to get supplies and even was on the same road as the hospital.  He went back to the camp and still wasn’t feeling well and he went to bed.  In the morning he had collapsed and brought to the hospital. That evening he died.

Who drinks degreasing fluid and dies?  He never filled out any forms, he never went to the doctor, he never did anything to help me.  I am not just mad, I am furious.  I am here alone and it is all his fault!

Day 7 - Creating a Routine

May 7th - Day 7

Eating the ship dry

I have always lived my life with a plan, an agenda. Robin would bug me about my over planning but I secretly think he loved it. He liked to know what was going to happen. For our 10 year anniversary we went on an Alaskan Cruise. A month before our departure I informed him of our daily schedule. He said, “Can we wait till we are at least, on the cruise to make a schedule?” But we had a great time! 

Our schedule evolved quickly upon boarding the ship.  The day started by getting up and having a small breakfast, Robin had smoked salmon (a whole plate) and freshly squeezed orange juice, I just had orange juice. Then we would go for a work-out in the gym. Next we would have a full breakfast in the full service dining room. After which we would explore the town or some entertainment on the boat. Following that we went to the full service restaurant for lunch. I would have one meal and Robin would have 2. We would do more exploring then go for an early dinner in the buffet restaurant. I would have a sampler plate so I knew what to order for dinner and Robin would have a selection of different plates of food. We would then head to the pool for a dip where we would have silly races, such as who can get across the fastest walking backwards. We were entertainment for the older passengers that walked the decks in the cold brisk air but didnʼt think of getting their feet wet. Robin loved the fact that he could put his ashtray next to the pool and smoke and swim at the same time. Then we would go get dressed in our cabin and prepare for our formal dinner. It felt nice to get dressed up and the food was phenomenal. After the meal was the live entertainment and it always guaranteed to astound us. It was a memorable trip and our routine made the experience even fuller.  On the 7 day cruise Robin ate 122 plates of food.  He kept a log, here is a section of his documentation.

So as you can well assume, if I plan a simple holiday, I am guaranteed to plan a funeral. Yes, I had Robinʼs funeral planned and as I added or deleted things I would always go over with Robin what he wanted and didnʼt want.  Every single part of Robin's funeral was chosen by him when he was alive.  He loved planning his funeral.  

Robinʼs funeral was epic. I always thought Robinʼs funeral was a fun party to plan so I always discussed with Robin what he wanted. So every last detail, (other then the tattoo booth set up by Robinʼs best friends son, Dominic) Robin knew what was going to happen. We had a huge bonfire at the beach with music and pictures of Robin and guns and flaming bow and arrows and our friend sang, “My Heart Will Go On”, exactly the way Robin wanted. And guess what it poured rain. When people went home there was a snow storm in parts and the wind was horrific. When they took the ferry home the next day there was such a huge storm that people were advised to stay in their seats and the ones getting up were the ones running to the bathroom to throw up. The weekend like I said was completely epic. So many people came up to me and said what a fantastic memorial it was at it was so Robin. It was because Robin planned it. I couldnʼt have asked for a better day. Even Robinʼs mother-in-law said that she came thinking it was going to be a horrible experience and she had such a fun weekend. Robin was fun, Robin was an experience like no other. I am so fortunate to have been married to him. 

Estella to Los Arcos - 21.1 km

I started about 5:00, ensuring I wasnʼt walking in the sun. Half an hour in I made a stop at a 24 hr. gas station to get some sunscreen. I didnʼt want to repeat yesterdays problems.  The weather was on my side and is rather cloudy with a cool breeze, a perfect reprieve from yesterday’s sun.

My path today consisted of gradual up and downs and then through pastures. At the top of one of the hills there was a vender selling his wares on the side of the road. I purchased a wooden cross for Xavier. As I walked away I was overcome with grief. I cried and cried as I remembered my life with Robin when we used to sell his artwork. It was many lifetimes ago but wonderful memories that I had with Robin that now make me feel sad. It is strange how the memories of my life with Robin come back so easily in this foreign land.

Today was a very smooth path giving me lots of time to think. Some thoughts made my walk harder and some lightened my step. I thought of the people and things that I loved. Like a tap being turned on I began to cry again for no reason at all, with my head down not even noticing the amazing landscape I was walking in. The tears needed to flow but I feel like they are never going to stop. I came here to escape and run away from my grief but it followed me and gives me no relief. I am feeling proud of myself as no familiar faces have passed me, so I must be walking faster. Maybe all the tears have quickened my step.

As I walked into the town that is going to be my home for the night it feels like I was walking into the wild west. I can hear the theme song from the movie “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” playing in my head. But then as I enter the city square it is full of people. I stopped at the first albergue I come to but it was already full. I found the municipal, no one can make a reservations as it is first come first serve and there is room. I began to recognize faces, I guess I had been passed. I made my way to the shower and Christian already showered and doing laundry. I felt deflated. I wasnʼt as fast as I thought I was. I guess many had passed me as I stopped for my shopping or bathroom breaks. I guess I was meant to be alone with my tears today.

I set about my afternoon to take a shower. Actually my routine seems to be pretty set as follows: 

- I get up early and carry my back pack and sleeping bag out of the bunk bed area. 

- I have a separate bag for my toiletries and can just place that on the top of my packed back pack after brushing my teeth then brushing, braiding and pinning up my hair. 

- I get changed into my walking clothes, take my bed clothes off and pack them in the compression sacks with my sleeping bag. 

- I don my back pack over the many layers of clothing. 

- I get my flashlight out and figure out which directions the signs point me, repeating at every intersection. 

- As I walk I drink my water with vitamin C powder and I eat my apple, my orange and banana, when the first open cafe comes along I have a cafe coa (hot chocolate) and a tortilla (potato omelet). Then I fill up my water bottles and carry on after taking a bathroom break. 

 - When the sun comes out I stop and put on some sunscreen and have a bit of chocolate for a snack or a granola bar. 

- As the morning passes I usually come to another cafe where I have freshly squeezed orange juice and a Napoleon (pastry filled with chocolate). I fill my water bottles again and head off.

- I walk now until I get to the town that I will call home for the night.  Here I pull out my guide book and see the different available accommodations and choose one, I find a place that has a bed available. To this point I have only stayed at Municipals, parishes or convents. All these are first come first serve. Some people reserve their accommodations but as I donʼt have a phone  I can not do this. After waiting in line, I pay and then find my bed.

Then starts my afternoon routine: 

- I take a shower and put on my evening outfit.

- I hand wash my clothes, hang them to dry, brush my hair 

- Then I go for a siesta. I am really beginning to love my siesta. Everything is closed as everyone is having a siesta so there is no point in trying to get anything.  

- When I wake and write in my journal, then town starts to wake. 

- I go grocery shopping. I buy a baguette, cheese and pepperoni, an apple and an orange for breakfast, chocolate and granola bar. Sometimes I get strawberries or other treats from the store. 

- Depending on the town I usually fit mass in about now.

- I sometimes go for dinner after mass or if I am too tired the baguette with cheese and pepperoni is my dinner. 

- After dinner I come back I get everything packed except for my sleeping bag. I get my day clothes from the line and put them in the bag with my toiletries. 

- I get my sleeping clothes on and pack up everything other then my sleeping bag and clothes and go to bed.

This is my routine and in this I find much comfort. The people that I need to meet cross my paths when they are supposed to, I do not make plans to meet anyone or even ask people where they are staying, it is always by chance when I meet people again.  I do feel like I am living in faith as I live within my routine this gives me comfort. There is so much unknown in my life but knowing my routine makes me feel safe. 

Now back to my day.

I had a siesta and didnʼt have to grocery shop as I had food from the previous day as I went to bed without eating much. As I exited the albergue there was a nice grassy area where Christian was sitting with two Dutch women, the Dutch women looked familiar as they passed me walking and we talked briefly but had never been introduced. Bianca and Diana are sisters with whom I instantly feel a connection. They are so nice and they all talk English so I feel included, I feel so inferior as English is my only language.  They go from person to person changing language to language.

While Christian was napping on the lawn and Diana was reading I talked to Bianca. She asked me why I was doing the Camino and I felt comfortable enough to tell her that my husband had died. She asked me how I was doing and I started to cry saying that I have good days and bad days, but today was an exceptionally hard day. With few words from Bianca I felt understood and no need to say more. Bianca is a physiotherapist who does alternative therapies, I told her she had to come visit me on Salt Spring as she would fit in perfectly. The one thing that I feel is her lightness of being which emanates love.

I thought I would miss home. I thought I would get so home sick being in a foreign land that I never knew the language. But I am here and my thoughts rarely go to home. I feel the love but I have no longing to go home. Home is so different now. It is not something that beckons me. I feel the loss of Robin in everything there but I also feel it here. Will I ever be happy again? Ever?  But here I can think only of myself and only on my own journey. I know I need to be here. I need to be feeling and dealing with this pain. I know I need to let the tears role even if I donʼt know where they come from.

Bianca, Diana and Christian invite me to come for tapas with them before dinner. I decline as I havenʼt written in my journal yet and my conversation has been quite over stimulating and I need some alone time to regroup. I head to a little bar on a side street where there are no patrons. I get a glass of red wine and sit and write in my journal. I wrote about Bianca saying “what a wonderful angel the Camino brought me today” I am learning every single person with whom I cross paths with is who I am supposed to encounter. As I am on no one elseʼs agenda but my own I feel every person I encounter is sent especially for me, from God. I am thankful I am a solo walker.

Walking around town I run into Bianca, Diana and Christian again who are sitting with other pilgrims. I sit with them and I tell the girls how I met Christian and how he said I looked like I had to go to the toilet and he said I looked older then I am. We laughed. Actually everything Christian says makes me laugh as the language barrier makes him extremely honest and blunt. I havenʼt laughed like this in a long time. They invite me to dinner and I said of course as they made me feel happy from laughing. As we were walking to the restaurant we met up with Shylo and he joined us for dinner. Shylo wears a tank top exposing his nipples, (not on purpose). Christian says, “I recognize you from walking, I see you and your tits” See no holding back. We all laughed. We said Shylo looked like meatloaf and from then on he went by meatloaf. They made me laugh and laugh all of them. It was so much fun, I was now crying because I was laughing so hard.  This is a way better reason to cry. 

Then we quickly got our desert and ate it as we headed to mass. Shylo hadnʼt been to mass in a long time, Christian gave him his sweater to cover his nipples in church, how can you not be in stitches laughing. I love pilgrims mass, I have no idea what the priest is saying but it feels so healing.  As we leave, a pilgrim, training to be a tenor, sings Ava Maria from the balcony of the church. We were in tears, it was magical.

Then we met a bunch of other pilgrims in the square for drinks and tea. Here I saw Margaret again and met Petra. Shylo entertained us all. Everyone was deciding where they were going to walk to. I wasnʼt planning on walking as far as Bianca, Diana, Christian, Petra and Margaret but Shylo was going to be going where I was going Viena. He started to make plans with me and they saying I was going to be in Finistar with him and fly me to South Africa where he was from. This all started to freak me out. Friends were ok and comfortable but beyond that felt extreme. I decided in my head  then and there that I was going to be walking further. I decided I would never tell people my plans again. Having to meet people at certain places felt too restraining. This was my journey. I didnʼt want to share it with anyone.

Start with a routine

I am trying to figure out if I am going to stay on Salt Spring or move to the city, Victoria or Vancouver. I struggle so much with the pain of living on a small island, I feel as everyone knows my business but when I leave and come back I love this place I call home. Even with the pain, I feel this place represents who I am with its alternative beliefs and like minded people. Everyone is excepted for who they are and their differences are embraced.  This is a very unique place and I don't want to run away from it just because I am in a hard place emotionally.

At home I have a routine and that routine is work all the time other then the two days that I take care of my grandson in Victoria. I fill my time with working so I donʼt have too much time to spend thinking. I am fortunate to be invited to visit many of my friends but socializing is very hard.  My spare time is spent at home or I go for a walk or a swim. I have joined master swimming as being in water always makes me feel connected to my source, water is my oasis.  I think our childhood is a place we play in all our lives.  I am fortunate that when I was young my parents supported my involvement in sports. I was a competitive swimmer. I have always turned to the water when I am going through a hard time or any kind of exercise so this is a very positive coping mechanism.  Plus my parents were always taking us to the ocean and vacations on lakes.

My negative coping is working. I work too much and donʼt give myself time to think when life is overwhelming and that is what I have been doing, working, working, working. I put a note on my Facebook saying I was ready to go back to work and I got so much response and offers resulting in 3 different jobs plus I teach first aid classes. I am working 40 -80 hours a week.

I would use work when I was younger to get away from home. I never dealt with my family dynamics I just worked. It was my drug so I am fortunate I enjoy my jobs. After  Robin died I didnʼt work for 4 months because I had absolutely no choice. I couldnʼt function at a job. I would cry all the time. On my journey so far I walk all day and canʼt even do this without crying. I cry because I miss Robin. I cry because I get triggered of memories and things that remind me of Robin and I just cry for no reason. The tears just flow.  My thoughts never seem to stop.  

The only other way I get an oasis from my tears is to laugh.  I am fortunate at home to have old friends.  Not in age but friends that have been in my life since before Robin.  They know exactly how to make me laugh.  I have friends that I can call on any time of the day.  Some in the middle of their work and one friend I talk to till 3 in the morning sometimes.  Laughing is a wonderful magic pill that helps me escape the sadness.