To Date or Not to Date?

I have been getting these questions a lot lately:

Have you met anyone? or

Are you dating?  or

Do you want someone new in your life?

The answers are no... NO... and ... I don't know.

When my husband first died I felt very out of balance.  I have been in relationships since I was 15 years old and I really love having a partner in my life. I loved being a wife!!  So being on my own made me feel out of balance.

I am getting used to being single but there are still times I miss having a partner as I miss loving someone.  Also I love just relaxing and watching tv with a significant other whom I feel totally comfortable with and not talk...just be.  Strangely enough, I even miss arguing, as there is nothing better than a good argument.

My daughter thought the answer to all my problems was for me to get a boyfriend, so for my birthday she made me a POF account, one of those dating sites.  It was so strange!!!!  I chatted back and forth a few times and quickly tired of this method of meeting people.  The thought of then meeting and dating someone, anyone, repulsed me.  I did a lot of dating when I was young and I have no desire to do that again.  I have been there and done that.

As I have put all my things in storage and have no permanent residence I feel....this factor eliminates any possibility of myself meeting someone as it really isn't a selling point to say I am homeless.  Any sane person would turn the other way in fear of me wanting to move in.  Of course I would not do this but I think I would only attract very strange people who would date someone who was homeless.  I certainly wouldn't choose to have anyone in my life if they said they didn't have a home.

As a result of choosing my current lifestyle I have no choice but to be here alone until I figure out what I am doing and where I am going and try and focus on the positive things about being single.


With every decision I make there is always lists; lists of the good and the bad; and the pros and the cons. But first and foremost beyond lists comes that internal guide, my feelings and emotions, that I know will give me the answer of what direction to choose.  For now, I am patient and enjoy the waiting before the knowing.


My future is undetermined but right now .... in this moment .... I write....here are a couple of my lists.

Top 10-things I hate about being single

1. I have to work harder at self improvement.
                                                                 
I have no one that acts as my sandpaper, exposing my short comings.  If I want to improve myself I have to look hard, that is not easy.  Since I don't have to live with someone it is easy to adjust to someone else's life style for a few days when I visit then return to my distorted reality of perfection.

2. No one to make goals and plan and dreams with.
                                                                 
I love making plans and setting goals and dreaming about my possible future.  I especially love doing this with a significant other who wants to participate with me in exciting adventures.  I do that with my friends a bit now but it is completely different with a partner.

3. I am an "I" not a "we".
                                                                                                    
It feels so strange for me to say I, as it feels so egocentric.  I like being a "we".  I loved being a wife and feeling like whatever I did I had a partner in crime.

4. I am fearful of growing old alone.
                                                                                 
I absolutely love the thought of growing old with someone. It feels so sweet.  I love seeing older couples together.  I now feel jealous as it is something I always wanted and how I pictured my life.  I don't want to grow old alone.

5. I have no one to blame anything on, I have to take responsibility for my actions.
 
I used to say that the reason I got married was so I had someone to blame everything thing on.  Being single sucks as I have to be completely responsible for myself.

6. No incentive to make myself look pretty. 
                                                                     
I know I should make myself pretty for myself but I personally feel comfortable the way I am.  Shaving my legs just feels like a complete waste of time.  I do miss getting dressed up and looking pretty every once and awhile for someone else.

7. No one to hold me when I am sad. 
                                                                               
I am not one for hugs.  My husband used to call me an incu-baby because I was put in an incubator when I was a baby and he contributed this to me not liking to be touched.  So the thought of someone holding me when I am sad other than a partner feels completely yucky.  I never thought I would ever say this but I miss being held.

8. No one to argue with and vent to when I have had a bad day.
                              
Partners always get the raw end of the deal as they get the bad end of every sucky day.  Sometimes the only thing that makes life feel better is a good argument.  I miss this.

9. Having a man on your side still makes a huge difference in life.
                             
A lot of men still respect another man more than a woman.  I feel like a push over when I don't stand up for myself and a bitch when I don't let men walk over me.  With my husband on my side it felt like all it took was a hand shake and things were going in the right direction.

10. Feels weird doing things with couple friends.
                                                            
It now feels strange to do things alone, with friends we did couple things with.  Luckily we didn't have too many couple friends and most of my friends have stayed the same.  But being around couples does feel strange.

Top 10 - things I love about being single

1. I don't have to compromise 
                                                                                           
I can choose to do exactly want I want and not concern myself with what someone else wants.  My free time is 100% my choice.  This is beyond wonderful as I tend to do more compromising in a relationship as I am easy going.

2. Do what I want when I want it 
                                                                             
Beyond work my schedule is my own.  I don't have to work around a significant others work or fun schedule.   I am never in a rush to stick to someone else's schedule or plans that I didn't fit into my own schedule.

3. All my money goes where I choose to spend it 
                                                           
I love having my own money and not sharing with someone else.  If I am low on funds it is because the funds went to me and no one else.  My husband was expensive with all his various expenses so I supplemented him with my income.  But not any more and not ever again.

4. I am perfect, as there is no one to point out my deficiencies
                                    
I feels nice not having someone notice when I leave my clothes on the floor or my papers all around or when I sleep in unwitnessed.  My flaws are hidden from the world.

5. When I put something somewhere it stays
                                                             
My things aren't being used by someone else or moved.  If I loose it, I loose it but most of the time things are exactly where I put them.

6. No need to shave my legs or worry about what I look like naked 
                           
My poor husband as I never have been a girly girl.  But for sure now there is no one to notice my granny underwear or my hairy legs. This is absolutely lovely!!

7. There is nothing holding me anywhere, my future is full of possibilities
                 
I have no limitations except for the ones I put on myself.  If I decide to travel to Norway or Australia or go to school or do more distance walks I can do it.  All I have to do is save my own money and make a goal and do it.

8. I don't have to take care of anyone but myself
                                                       
No meals, no laundry, no cleaning up after someone.  I am taking care of only myself.

9. The people I spend time with are my friends and family.
                               
Getting into a relationship means taking on another family and new friends.  I have been able to focus solely on my friends and family.  Robin's mom and step dad and step mom are now my family, some of his friends are now my friends but getting in a new relationship would double the social circle.  I don't want this so right now the amount of people in my life seems perfect.

10. I am finding my own strength without a man in my life. 
                                           
I never knew how much I depended on men for negotiations or standing up for me when there was a disagreement or fixing the car and taking out the garbage.  Doing these things on my own or paying someone to do it for me is very empowering.  I feel more capable then I ever have in my life.

**********

Being a gypsy has done exactly what I needed.  It has given me space to free myself from my "things", all those objects that hold memories and within each ... a trigger.  I now feel free to move on with my life, in which direction is the question.

As I write my lists, then read my lists, and live my life ... I am becoming more and more comfortable being single and feeling much more balanced being on my own. My goals are all achievable without a partner and that feels wonderful.  Whether or not I get into a relationship in my future, life feels good now and that is what is important!!!

I have an amazing friend base and wonderful family; not just blood family but people that have impacted my life so much they feel like family.  At this point I have no desire to increase the number of relationships that I have.

I know I made the right decision to put my things in storage as I have had the most memorable summer in a long time.  I will remember this summer for the rest of my life.  This time has given me space to breath a new life in with no responsibilities.  As I move forward I will be observant of the relationships and responsibilities I take on and how they will impact my life.

For now I am choosing to strengthen the relationships I already have.


So I guess I answered the question....no dating :)

Turning Off the GPS and Finding My Own Path

Lately I have been noticing that when I use Google Maps I don't pay attention to how I am getting to a location.  I depend on the voice in my phone to bring me to my destination and back.  I disregard signs, land marks or even the way I am going.

As I continue my nomadic lifestyle Google Maps has brought me on some interesting ventures in the last couple months.  I am trying to pack everything I can into summer and have been spending more time 'doing' than writing.  As I sit down to write I am reviewing what I have done as I go through my photos.  

I can't believe in the last 2 months all the places I have been: Starting off with Tofino then

Englishman River Falls

The Dark Side

 Royal Roads University, Elk Lake, Goldstrem Park, 

White Rock Beach

 Kinsol Trestles, Thetis Lake,  Fishermans Wharf, 

Goldenears Park

Goat on the Roof
Coombs Country Market

Grouse Grind, Woody's Lagoon, Mt. Doug, Willow Beach, Walks along Dallas Road and 

Beacon Hill Park

Cowichan lake and river,

Bald Mountain

Cascade Falls

Fort Langley  and then back to 

Tofino

If I had to pay rent or mortgage and manage a home there is no way I would have had time to do all these things.  I have felt very free to explore this amazing world we live in, going down roads with the help of my GPS that I have never gone down.

When I was leaving Cascade Falls my phone died and I had to find my way back without the use of GPS.  Nothing looked familiar as I hadn't been paying attention to my path or even noticing landmarks.  We found our way back with a few u-turns but I made the decision not to depend so much on my GPS.

This month also consisted of going to my cousins funeral, a family gathering, and a friends wedding; giving my emotions the opportunity to travel wanted and unwanted paths.  Through feeling these strong emotions I am reminded that my emotions are my guide through this process of discovering myself and the future I desire. 

My emotions will help answer the questions I need answered and release my past.

I have set myself on the nomadic path for a few different reasons:

1. As I visit different places I want to feel what place feels like home.
2. I want a fresh slate and not be in a place surrounded by triggers.  
3. I want to free myself to experience life and new adventures.

I have been successful in number #2 & #3, only 2 months in I am feeling like I have had a fresh start and creating a platform to jump into the next phase of my life without the emotional weight of the loss of my husband holding me back.  

As you can see by my list of places I have visited confirms lots of new adventures. Not having a home doesn't just motivate me to do new things; I have absolutely no choice but to get out there and just DO.

#1 is the hard one!

Figuring out where I want to live is getting more and more confusing.  

When I am in Langley with my family and life long friends I feel the warm comfortable blanket of nostalgia pull me in and I can't imagine myself anywhere else.

Then I spend some time in Victoria exploring with my daughter and grandson and see the possibilities of new adventures in their eyes.  I want to be closer so I can have front row seats watching their lives unfold.

Oh ... but then I go to Tofino.  It is such a magical place for me.  Being by the ocean and in the ocean, living a laid back, easy going life-style, embraced by the elements seems like a dream come true.

I haven't even visited Vancouver yet, another city that pulls at my heart strings.

My emotions are guiding me in multiple directions, my hope is that they will assist me in making up my mind soon.  I have to listen to that internal guide, that shows me the way to my future, through my feelings.  

I am still careful of the people I include in my life as some people try to pull me away from my own internal guidance system and control what I do as they feel they have the answers for my life.  Who knows I may come out with the same outcome they want but I would never know that unless I follow my own heart.

I guess it is something like the GPS.  I had to stop using it so I could see where I was going and not listen to the machine, oblivious of my surroundings and not watching for the signs.  

It is easy to listen to what others say to do but then I would not be on my own path, I would instead be filling their needs and desires putting myself last. In the end I would be resentful of them if I don't listen to myself.  

I am fortunate to have the space and the time for lots of calm, it is instantly apparent when something is overwhelming or not the direction I want to go. Strangely enough my emotions are not pulling me back to Salt Spring.  I thought for sure I would want to go back but I am not feeling it.  I have wonderful friends and fantastic memories but I don't feel like I will ever be moving back to the place I called home for 17 years.  My wise mother has said, "Never say never".

Even though I don't know where I will end up, I definitely am enjoying the path of a nomad.  So when I no longer feel the fun I will settle down....somewhere.

What is Being Happy?

I had a wonderful week of spending quality time with some of the amazing people in my life.  I headed out to Langley and stayed with my friend Kim, as I traditionally do this week, for her birthday.

It worked out perfect for me to stay a bit longer so I could go to another girlfriend's , Richelle, stagette/shower.

I filled the days between with going to Golden Ears for a hike with my friend Cindy and her son Aiden;

torturing myself by going up the Grouse Grind with my friends,  Kim & Kevin, children;

but most importantly going to Abbotsford to see family and spending time with my cousin in palliative care.

It had its ups and downs but it was a week of feeling genuinely happy.

I had a conversation with a friend who is looking for a new job and a new relationship and she said, "I just want to be happy again" so I asked her, "what is the time and place you were happy and how did it feel"?

After I asked her this I got to thinking about myself and my own happy moments; when were they and how did it feel to be happy and why was this such a happy week?

I guess how I would define "happy" is a feeling of being in a moment, feeling content, relaxed and not wanting to be anywhere else.  No striving, no over enthusiasm, happiness isn't eager or wanting.  Happy moments get lost when I or the people I am with try and suck the moments dry, when there is a feeling of desperation or thinking about what's next.  Happiness is a balance between enjoying the moment to the fullest and not wanting it to end but at the same time letting it flow.  There is no desire to make the moment any different than it is. Does that make any sense at all?  What I feel when I say I am happy is ... I feel at ease.

You know when you exhale and let your body totally relax?  That is how happiness feels for me, breathing in a moment in time and letting myself relax into the experience.  When we are relaxing and our body is at ease we don't think about our next breath, it comes at exactly the right moment.  Being calm yet joyful to me is the feeling I get when I'm happy.

So when we're these moments in my past?  I know I have had a lot of them and I remember telling myself, 'remember this moment and this feeling' but the memories float away with time, leaving me with only a few significant moments that stand out in my memory.

Happy Memories From My Past

* Playing in the pool for hours on end with my friend Debbie when we were young.

* Coming home from summer camp with my cousin Marcea.  We were hanging out on the ferry sitting with all the people we bonded with at camp.

* Sleeping on the trampoline with my friend Kim under the stars and waking covered in dew.

* Enjoying Sangria with the friends I met on the Camino in the square at Burgos then going to mass.

* Walking down Dallas road with Xavier when he was a toddler.

* Going to the beach with Dan and Heather digging in the sand harvesting our dinner of steamed clams and clam chowder.

* Walking around Stanley Park with my friend Teresa, in those glorious moments when we just walk, not even talk.

* Going to Expo86 with my family and getting my dad to take picture after picture of all the different pavilions; of course I wanted myself in every photo.

* Playing in the pool with Robin, just being silly, playing children's games.

* When my brother and I made circuits around the house of different physical activities to test our strength and skills against each other.

* Being in the ocean, letting my body sway with the waves that come in and out.

* Walking around the city when I lived in Vancouver with Robin, Teresa And Jasper, Teresa McMillian, Craig Wisdom, Stacey and Jimmy Godfrey, and Jonathan Denny.  We had no destination we would just walk.

* Sitting around Sam and Erin's table journaling and scrap booking.

* Talking with my Cougar Camp girlfriends, really talking, so our souls are connecting.

* Laughing about the silliest things with Dominique and getting the giggles.

* Life guarding and working as a team with the staff at Al Anderson and Port Kells Pool.  The summer could have lasted forever and I would never have tired of it.

* Sleeping in and pushing that sleep button again and again never wanting the moment of peacefulness to end, savouring those last moments before rising.

* Picking lavender from my backyard with my cousin Amy.

* Coming home to my dog Bailey who would wag his tail so hard that his whole body would go back and forth.

* When Cindy and I lived together and shared the same room (2 beds in one room made it very cramped) we would spend all day together, then talk till late in the night.  Still we get on the phone and talk about absolutely nothing, embracing the moment of nothingness.

* Going to the movies alone, or an art gallery, or a book store; having a date with me, myself and I.

* Sitting in our little cabin that Robin and I built, coming up with ridiculously funny ideas with Robin over a bottle of wine.

* Watching my nephews wrestle on the ferry or at our house on the deck full of mattresses.

* Making fun movies with Robin and Dominique and the nephews.

* Playing cards with my mom till late into the night, after each game saying, just one more.

* Sitting and talking about the meaning of life with my mother-in-law Susanna, my Aunt Betty, Uncle Stan and Auntie Alice and my cousin Florence.

* Playing keep away spontaneously with my brother, sister, Kim, Guy and Gene in our backyard till late in the night then it would turn into hide and seek in the shadows.

* The last day of school before Christmas break going to the Christmas Carol sing along in the gym and singing with everyone.

***********

Looking at my happy list, I notice there is nothing about success or planning or things out of the ordinary.  My happy list is about play and spontaneity and special moments with people that I care about.

My happy moments weren't falling in love, winning an award or milestones in my life but precious small moments shared.  I am happy playing, being in water, laughing, walking and having heart felt conversations.  In the happy moments there isn't a feeling of trying to improve the moment or make it better or think about how it could be better in the future; I just feel happy.

Life would be so simple if my quest would only be happiness but it is not and it can't be.  I need to make money to feed myself plus I still want to have goals and successes in my life, on this journey I am taking.

Happy Moments This Week

I love having heart felt conversations with people.

I was able to sit down with some of the amazing people in my life and have wonderful heart felt conversations that touched my soul and made me feel extremely happy.  Some of the conversations were about mine or their hopes and dreams, some sadness, some fear of change, some frustration or some even anger but each person revealed apart of themselves making me feel connected to them.  I hope our talks brought them happiness as well.  Not just the conversation I had but sometimes it was the comfort in the silence that embraced us....happy!

Walking and talking in nature enhances time together.

Even though I do spend a lot of time complaining while I hike, I do feel extremely happy.  I fluctuate between yearning for the end and completely immersing myself in the magnificence of nature....happy.

Celebrating with friends

Celebrating always seems to bring up wonderful memories of fun times spent together.  Reminiscing about times together and expressing our gratitude for our relationships....this makes me happy.   Then connecting with old friends like a day hasn't passed but it has been 30 years....happy.

The icing on the cake was coming back to Vancouver Island and going right to my daughter Dominique's and spending some quality time with her and my grandson.

Xavier took this photo 

Watching them play...ahhhh!

I am happy!

Having no home of my own has its pros and cons but one of the pros is I am not on a perpetual quest to get home.  I didn't realize, until now, how much I used to rush to get back home...in time to do absolutely nothing.

Being homeless is actually making my life feel happier.  I know this period in my life will soon pass so I am revelling in the simplicity of my life.  I have a short to do list, barely any bills, time to explore and see new things, but most importantly time and energy to spend quality time with my friends and family.

I think this is a good thing!

So what does happiness feel like to you?

Tell me about some happy moments in your life or just sit and reminisce on your own for awhile.

I hope you have a day with at least one happy moment.

Vulnerability and the Dark Side

Hiking the Dark Side

I went for a wonderful hike today with my nephew.  I joined a Facebook page called Take a Hike VANCOUVER ISLAND.  The posts from its members inspired me to take a hike on the Nanaimo River called "The Dark Side".  A family posted that they took the hike with their 4 year old child and said it was a great beginner hike.

Cody, my nephew and I headed out as per the directions of people on Facebook.  The weather was a bit gloomy and it had been raining all night but had stopped and everything was very moist; lovely walking weather.

As we followed the path we came to a junction that was marked and there was a ladder with a rope going down a cliff so we thought this was the way.

I was pretty impressed that this family took their 4 year old down this ladder as it was pretty scary for me.  This lead us to the river with water pools that made us long for a bright sunny day, then we ventured down the river in search of the Dark Side.  The big rocks were wet and covered in algae and moss making them very slippery.

I thought maybe it wouldn't be so hard on a sunny day but it was very challenging for me to navigate the rocks.  I finally told Cody it was too difficult for his dear old auntie and we had to turn around.  We found a trail up to the ridge and came to a path.  I kept thinking this can't be the right route we were on as there is no way I could see a 4 year old taking it.  I googled the hike again and it said it was a fabulous beginner hike.  Cody and I then followed the path on the top of the ridge that followed the river from above, which was smooth and easy walking leading us effortlessly to the gorge.

When we arrived we felt we had entered the land of the lost as we were surrounded by huge boulders on both sides with wooden bridges and ladders leading us around the gorge.  We were so glad we found it as it was a remarkable place and yes it would have been a very easy hike.

But then again we would have never found the water pools that we defiantly will come back to when the hot sun is demanding a cool down. Next time I will bring my 4 year old grandson and my daughter, they will love it!

Vulnerability 

When I write about my feelings and emotions I am told by my readers that it must be hard being so vulnerable or they appreciate my rawness and vulnerability.  When I hear this I feel like I am being a farce as when I write I don't feel I am being vulnerable at all.

I am vulnerable when I am silent, contemplating, crying, living and feeling the emotion.  There is no way I can articulate or write about my emotions and feelings when I am in the process of being vulnerable.

What you read when you read about my emotions put into words is my past.  When I can write about something, I am no longer triggered by the situation or the circumstances.  I have already dug myself out with the help of a few select friends, family and my counsellor.  Sometimes it takes years to articulate how and why I felt a certain way.  The people I lean on during these times and see me actually being vulnerable, can fit on one hand.

Inviting people into the pit with me is really hard.  At first I don't invite anyone in, the first thing I do is go silent. I have certain signs that show me I am going into the dark side but each time I don't listen to the signs till after I have gotten myself out.  It has taken me a long time to recognize I am on the dark side but now I am learning the signs.

Getting myself out is hard. I have to talk about my emotions all the time.  It is exhausting for me I can't even imagine how annoying it is for my support system.  I have to take my focus off of other people and devote my attention to myself.  I have to work reasonable amount of hours and not overwork.  Then talk about my emotions some more.

It isn't fun being the person I vent to as my mind spins in a million directions as I try and figure out what I am feeling.  This is the worst of me!  I save the worst of me for a very few select people whom I am closest to and feel safe with.

So how does someone receive this honour?  I guess it is people who have seen me at my worst in my past and are still there in my present.  People that I have lived with, or spent day in, day out with, the ones who have seen all sides of my personality already.  When I live with someone I can't hide those nasty bits of my personality, they see all of me....ALL!  That to me being vulnerable.

I hold myself together for the world and then regroup and vent when I am at home.  It is here in the spaces separate from the world that I am the worst of myself.  When I am vulnerable I feel like I am paper thin and the wrong word will send me spiralling.  I am fortunate that I have had really good supports when I feel paper thin as it prevents me from spiralling with strangers.  I have only done that a few times in my life and this causes extreme embarrassment and I wish those few times were nonexistent.

The dark side and vulnerable side of me is a big huge pit.  The other day Dominique, my daughter, said to me that when she was a teenager she dug herself a deep hole and all she did was invite other people in with her that helped her dig the pit even deeper.  (Sometimes I was that person.)  It is when we are in this pit that we are so extremely vulnerable and it is so important to invite people in that support us and help us out.

When I am supported I use writing as a means out  So what you are reading is my past vulnerability.  Usually I keep my writing to myself but with the writing group I joined with Ahava Shira, A Year to Love, I began to show my writing more publicly.  This helped me plus the response I received from my readers is it helps them to articulate their own feelings.  So I continue with this blog.  Thank-you for reading :)

Possiblities Within the Change

As I embrace the change in my life and try to feel the direction of my future, life goes on with its ups and downs.

I love the way things are right now ... in this moment.  I am really enjoying spending time with my family and friends.  I am appreciating the life style I have chosen because of its flexibility and my ability to focus on the people in my life that are significant to me.

I thought the change of not having a residence and putting all my things in storage would be difficult but this seldom even crosses my train of thought.  What I think about more is where I want to settle in the future and if I even want to have another relationship.

I have been drawn to the mainland due to my cousin and I am savouring every moment I have with her at the hospital. Along with that comes time with my aunts and uncles and cousins and life-long friends and their children that all live on the mainland. As I drive down roads that stimulate an old memory around every turn, I feel at home.  This always happens when I come to the mainland but even more so now as my stresses and expectations in life are at a minimum.

I feel guilty for the ease of my own life as I witness to ones I love getting on that hard road of grief, death and recovery.  It is such a hard journey and I pray for my Uncle and Aunt and Amy's brother daily.  I wish I could take away their pain but everyone takes their own route to heal their heart, there is no right way or wrong way.

As my own path now leads me to memory lane and my old haunts such as; White Rock Beach

and views of my life long touch stone, Mt. Baker

my thoughts go to the difference in my life of not having a partner.

It is a strange contrast for me not to have a partner but presently I feel the benefits of this not the disadvantages.  I can put complete focus on my friends and family and I am not pulled in the direction of a partners social circle.  Part of my family is also Robin's family and his mother is not very healthy and I have the flexibility right now to redirect myself to Australia if she takes a turn for the worst.  As Robin was an only child his family consists of a mother and step father in Australia a step mother in Vancouver.  I feel so lucky to have them a part of my life, along with my friends and family and I don't want another partner who pulls me in an opposing direction.

Relationships take work, all kinds of relationships not just partnerships.  At this point in my life I only want to devote my energy to the relationships I already have, I feel no pull, or see no space, to redirect any of my energy into any kind of new relationship.  It  is interesting, as the relationships I developed while walking the Camino were new but they felt like old friends coming together.  I guess that is the only way I will include new friends, they must feel like they have always been a part of my world.

When I am on the mainland I feel like this is the place I will end up and then I come back to the Island and go on another adventure and feel this is the place for me.  I guess only time will tell.  For now I am really enjoying my decision to be a gypsy.  But with that comes people opening their homes to me.  For this I am so thankful and extremely grateful!

I was welcomed by my niece, Sophie with this wonderful note on my pillow.

This is a photo of the breakfast my niece, Rylee, made for me on my arrival, how can I not feel completely at home?

Crossing Bridges

I decided to stay close to Victoria as my week was cut short as I had some things I had to finish up in regards to moving.  I chose Goldstream Park as I have always wanted to walk the trestle and view the waterfalls.  The fees are $35 per night to camp with no electricity but the camp sites were lovely and the grounds are very well kept, also family friendly. You are surrounded by tall trees and the birds seem to always serenade.

My first solo camping experience started with putting up my tent.  I purchased a basic tent that said could be put together in 15 minutes.  I have put up tents many times with other people with ease but being alone, I thought I should read the instructions which made me totally confused, so I crumpled them up and threw them at the fire pit. "I hate this!" I said aloud, to which I started laughing.

My cousin Amy used to come visit us every summer on Salt Spring.  She is very sweet and very agreeable.  Wanting to make my cousins visit enjoyable we would ask her what she wanted for dinner, it doesn't matter, would be her response.  Do you want tea? If you are having some, she would reply.  Do you want to go for a walk?  If you want to, she would say.

This was hard for us as we wanted to please her and make her visit memorable.  So Robin, my husband, came up with the plan that when we gave my cousin an option she had to respond with I LOVE IT, if she liked the option or say I HATE IT, when it was something she did not like. We then had fun discovering all the things she loved and hated.  Robin and I would always think of my cousin whenever either of us said, "I LOVE IT" or "I HATE IT".

I knew that putting up a tent shouldn't be too hard on my own so I took a breath and looked at the tent logically and put it together with ease.

I then settled in and fell asleep to peace and tranquility.  After having a wonderful night sleep, I was awoken early by the crows, whom I think did not want any camper to miss the dawn.  After rising I headed to the waterfall, which was a very nice way to start the day.

I then followed the railway track to the trestle which is about an hour walk each way.  I love where my mind goes as I begin to walk for a distance on my own.  Following the railway track I thought of my experiences on trains in the past such as; going on the Royal Hudson Steam Train with my moms family when I was young; or the times we went to White Rock and put our ear to the rail to see if the train was coming, then we would put a coin on the track and wait till the train passed to find our flattened penny.  As a teenager we went on a fun high school trip by train to Lilloet; then when I married Robin he loved model railways so we always made our way to see such displays and on our 10 year anniversary we took a train ride in Alaska.

I contemplated all the different ways there are to gain understanding or to "know" the railroad.  You could prepare the way for the railroad or you can help build a train.  You can learn the ins and outs of an engine and become an engineer and drive a train or you could ride the rails.  Do you think then you would have a total understanding of the railroad?  I asked my self.  What about someone obsessed with railroads that may have never been on a train but watches as the trains go by and learns all the facts there are to know about trains, making model trains in his spare time?

I contemplated that for awhile as I stepped on every other railroad tie.

To "know" something isn't just to have to understanding but to experience it from many different perspectives.  Experience and understanding are two different things; as one person may have gone on their honeymoon on a train and another person may have gotten hit by a train and their experiences would be completely different.  Their perception or experience of the railroad would be polar opposites.

My train of thought....brought me to my job as palliative care worker and then to death.  Isn't it true that we can never compare each other's experience to death as there are no two experiences that are the same.  It starts with our understanding and that is topped by experience.

I love my job, working with people who are dying.  I feel so honoured to be with families during this transition.  It is such a special time in families as you hear the wonderful stories and you get to be there to support them into the transition of the unknown.  The love that surrounds individuals during these last savoured moments fills the spaces where I work.

I love working around death as it reminds me that it is the destiny of every single person walking this earth, me included.  Through each death I support I am reminded to indulge in life every day and cherish the time I spend with the people I love, as all our time is limited.

My experience around death when it has effected me personally is completely different.  I HATE IT!  Each person who has died in my life I have hated their absence for different reasons.  Robin as he was supposed to be my life partner, my first boyfriend, Zoel and my first best friend, Debbie as they were the connection to my childhood and youth disappearing, my grandparents as they made me feel so loved just as I am, my friend Kelly as it seemed so unfair.  Actually all deaths have a feeling of not being fair.  I also HATE seeing the people I love in pain from the loss of their loved one's.

With thoughts still racing in my head I arrived at the trestle, (from my reading is actually a cantilever style bridge but people call it the trestle).

The bridge extends over a very high gorge which terrified me to walk on but as I looked down at the spaces between the ties to the gorge below, my common sense told me there was no way my foot, let alone my chubby body could fall through.

So slowly and over-cautiously, I arrived at the centre and asked someone to take a photo, as proof of my bravery.

Below the trestle is another waterfall but I had been there a previous time so headed back to my campsite to read and relax.

Packing up early the next day I headed to Salt Spring then Youbou to see my mom and store some things in her shed.  At my mom's I learned that my cousin was sent to the palliative care ward at the hospital.  I was completely shocked.  My cousin was getting better, she had been struggling with cancer for the last 2 years but she always recovered.  Why would they put her there.  My cousin is so young and full of life and surrounded by soooo many people that love her.  There is no way palliative is the right place for her.  I could not and can not imagine my sweet cousin not living, and living a long time.

My mom is the oldest of nine and my cousin's dad is the youngest of nine so my Uncle and Aunt are only 9 years older than I am which is way too young to loose a child.  Actually any age is too young!!  It is not the right order of things!!  I can't even imagine how hard this must be for them to face this horrible reality, I will not even let my thoughts go in such a sad direction.  All my thoughts and prayers go to my Uncle and Aunt and Amy's brother right now.

Leaving my moms house I made a detour for a walk to think and process the news I received, this time at the Kinsol Trestle.  There is not even a railroad leading to this old wooden trestle as it is now a park and part of the Trans-Canada trail.  The trestle was easy to walk on as it has a solid surface with no slates like the last trestle plus there is a high security railing.

I pondered what this meant as I walked across this solid and strong bridge.

The longer I live the more varied my experiences will be especially in terms of death as everyone I know will die, before or after me, but it should go in an order...oldest to youngest!  My grandma lived to 92 and she said the hardest thing is all your friends die.  Living a long life means you out live many people you care about.

Feeling the solid surface below my feet with no fear of falling through the ties I listened for my message and looked for a sign.  Could it mean that my cousin's faith is strong and her faith will easily help her make her crossing over the divide between life and death? Or could it mean ... the solid faith of all of us who love my cousin can heal her completely and get her over this current struggle safely?

There is nothing I want more in life right now than to witness a miracle for my cousin and for her to feel how much we all love her.  I think a good experience would be to see a miracle.  I really want that experience.

There are no instructions that come with life even though many books are written on the subject.  I am perpetually having to feel my way through this thing called life, just like everyone else.  Even when two people are confronted with exactly the same situation there are different outcomes, a book may work for one person and not another.

I can only pray and hope for the outcomes I want, even if the outcomes I have received in the past are not what I could have imagined or wanted.  My job is to keep imagining the loving, peaceful and joyous outcomes because preparing my brain for the worst never makes the worst any easier.  So I imagine playing the "I love it and I hate it" game with my cousin in the future.  I imagine laughing with her....lots of laughing!

Whatever bridge we are faced with, we will cross that bridge when it comes, whether it is easy or hard. So now my walks will head to the mainland and I'll go have some laughs with my cousin.

Mile 0 - My Favourite Things in Victoria

Mile 0 - My Favourite Things in Victoria

It seems fitting that the journey of my new beginning starts in Victoria as it is mile 0, the starting point of the Trans-Canada Highway.

I have put all my things in storage and am staying at clients homes and then camping on my days off.  I have no "home".  (My friends are forbidding me to say I am homeless.). I really am at mile 0 in my life, a new starting point.

Being a couple usually means there are compromises and things that were included in my life because of the other person.  Now that I am alone I have only myself, so I can do exactly what I want.  But what do I want in my life?  What am I going to do without having to make joint decisions?

One of my favourite books, The Creative Habit is written by Twyla Thwarp, a dance choreographer.  She loves the process of creating a new dance and walking into an empty room and seeing how things evolve, much like a painter with an empty canvas or a potter with a lump of clay.

My life is exactly that a blank canvas.  But within in this canvas I am discovering what I want to include in my new life, that I have enjoyed in the past.  When my life is blank it is easy for me to feel instantly if I like something or if I don't.

This week I stayed in my new home town of Victoria.  I spent my days off at Dominique's, my daughters, instead of camping while I got all my gear together and readjusted my schedule.  It was a really great week of self discovery.  I started to put all the things I love into my empty days.

Itinerary

Harvesting Food
Berry picking at Marsh Farm in Sannich and making jam with Dominique and Xavier.
This I loved.  I love the rewarding feeling of harvesting the food I eat.  It stirs up wonderful memories of my past and my mom preserving food for us.  Going to my Aunt Mertle's garden to harvest food, my first job as a strawberry picking with my brother who was a horrible picker.  And picking peas and shelling them with my great grandma.

Royal BC Museum
I went with Dominique and Xavier to Royal BC Museum.  I purchased a seasons pass for only $62 so now I can go as many times as I want.  I love museums and history and of course spending time with Dominique and Xavier.

In the museum Xavier got excited about his new favourite sport of soccer.  He rolled up into a ball on the floor of the museum and started yelling "Grandma kick me, kick me Grandma, I'm a ball."  When I wouldn't kick him he yelled, "Mama kick me , kick me mama".  So funny!

Enjoying Art
Oak Bay has installed some sculptures in and around town.  I walked around and enjoyed some of the art.  I love art!  I love seeing the materialization of thought in people's brains.  Love it!  You can vote on your favourite sculpture and the town of Oak Bay is going to purchase the winner for public art.  This is a picture of my favourite.

Walking
I walked around Dallas Road, James Bay and downtown.  I absolutely love walking around cities: watching people, looking at window displays, absorbing the energy of a place.

Book Stores
As I walked I made stops at two of my favourite book stores in Victoria, Munro Books on Government Street and Russell Books on Fort Street.  Leaving without books in hand is a challenge but since I finished Outlander I thought I better buy the next one Dragonfly in Amber.

Hot Yoga
I went to a hot yoga class at Hudson Yoga.  I love it but couldn't believe how differently I felt since last time I was there. This time I was much less flexible and couldn't do a lot of the stretches.  Last time I was still grieving from the loss of my husband and I remembered how sad I felt.  It felt good to see the comparison of how much better I am now but also stiff.

Live Music
I love any kind of music live!  Watching people in their element and enjoying what they are doing plus entertaining me with their talent.  I was entertained at my favourite church, Christ Church Cathedral by a visiting pipe organist.  I love the feeling when the sounds vibrate through my whole body especially in this beautiful building.

Writing
I spent time writing.  I will attempt to write in my blog every week to practice my writing skills.  And putting my writing out there instead of keeping it in my journals.  As Twyla Thorp writes you have to create a habit, so I hope you don't get tired of my ventures and my writing.  As I am taking this journey solo, my writing feels like I am not alone.  Plus I am working on a novel for our art show in November.  It is called "Marking the Years".

Visiting and heart felt conversations
My moms cousin and her husband came out from Tennessee and we spent a day exploring Victoria together. I took them to some more of my favourite places.

Looking at Architecture - We explored the legislature building and listened to a guide while she explained the history of the building.  We learned the architect was only 25 when he designed and over saw the construction of the building.  He also designed the Empress and Crystal garden.  In later years he married a woman 30 years younger than he and was later murdered by her and her boyfriend.

The water taxi - getting from place to place by the water plus a tour up the gorge.  I love being on the water as it gives you a totally different perspective of a place.  The driver told us of the history along the route.

Fisherman's Wharf - dropped off by water taxi we stopped at Fisherman's Wharf for fish and chips at Barb's and then fed the seals.

Exploring while getting to know someone better is on the top, of my list.  Totally enjoyed my visit.  They live in the Appalachian mountain range and I would love to visit them one day.

There ... that is the list of the things I love most in Victoria but even when I am doing things I love other things creep in that push me off my blissful peaks; like trying to find parking in town and doing government paperwork but then I hit a pretty big speed bump just as I had everything organized.

A few days after I had completed my move and everything was in storage and I was ALL in.  The husband that I was taking care of died at 97 years old. The wife doesn't need as much support so everything was up in the air.  But then I applied for and got another overnight job and everything got back on track.  I will still be spending time with the wife and another amazing client.  The wife is doing well but it is a huge adjustment in her life as they were married for 68 years!!

It is interesting how simple life seems when I don't have a to-do list a whole page long.  My stress level instantly dropped.  When a speed bump came my way it didn't feel overwhelming.  My list of things to do is so small.  That day my list was:  get a job.    I got a job and I scratched it off my list.

Next week I start camping so I'll see if I made the right decision then.  I'll keep you posted 😉