Vulnerability and the Dark Side

Hiking the Dark Side

I went for a wonderful hike today with my nephew.  I joined a Facebook page called Take a Hike VANCOUVER ISLAND.  The posts from its members inspired me to take a hike on the Nanaimo River called "The Dark Side".  A family posted that they took the hike with their 4 year old child and said it was a great beginner hike.

Cody, my nephew and I headed out as per the directions of people on Facebook.  The weather was a bit gloomy and it had been raining all night but had stopped and everything was very moist; lovely walking weather.

As we followed the path we came to a junction that was marked and there was a ladder with a rope going down a cliff so we thought this was the way.

I was pretty impressed that this family took their 4 year old down this ladder as it was pretty scary for me.  This lead us to the river with water pools that made us long for a bright sunny day, then we ventured down the river in search of the Dark Side.  The big rocks were wet and covered in algae and moss making them very slippery.

I thought maybe it wouldn't be so hard on a sunny day but it was very challenging for me to navigate the rocks.  I finally told Cody it was too difficult for his dear old auntie and we had to turn around.  We found a trail up to the ridge and came to a path.  I kept thinking this can't be the right route we were on as there is no way I could see a 4 year old taking it.  I googled the hike again and it said it was a fabulous beginner hike.  Cody and I then followed the path on the top of the ridge that followed the river from above, which was smooth and easy walking leading us effortlessly to the gorge.

When we arrived we felt we had entered the land of the lost as we were surrounded by huge boulders on both sides with wooden bridges and ladders leading us around the gorge.  We were so glad we found it as it was a remarkable place and yes it would have been a very easy hike.

But then again we would have never found the water pools that we defiantly will come back to when the hot sun is demanding a cool down. Next time I will bring my 4 year old grandson and my daughter, they will love it!

Vulnerability 

When I write about my feelings and emotions I am told by my readers that it must be hard being so vulnerable or they appreciate my rawness and vulnerability.  When I hear this I feel like I am being a farce as when I write I don't feel I am being vulnerable at all.

I am vulnerable when I am silent, contemplating, crying, living and feeling the emotion.  There is no way I can articulate or write about my emotions and feelings when I am in the process of being vulnerable.

What you read when you read about my emotions put into words is my past.  When I can write about something, I am no longer triggered by the situation or the circumstances.  I have already dug myself out with the help of a few select friends, family and my counsellor.  Sometimes it takes years to articulate how and why I felt a certain way.  The people I lean on during these times and see me actually being vulnerable, can fit on one hand.

Inviting people into the pit with me is really hard.  At first I don't invite anyone in, the first thing I do is go silent. I have certain signs that show me I am going into the dark side but each time I don't listen to the signs till after I have gotten myself out.  It has taken me a long time to recognize I am on the dark side but now I am learning the signs.

Getting myself out is hard. I have to talk about my emotions all the time.  It is exhausting for me I can't even imagine how annoying it is for my support system.  I have to take my focus off of other people and devote my attention to myself.  I have to work reasonable amount of hours and not overwork.  Then talk about my emotions some more.

It isn't fun being the person I vent to as my mind spins in a million directions as I try and figure out what I am feeling.  This is the worst of me!  I save the worst of me for a very few select people whom I am closest to and feel safe with.

So how does someone receive this honour?  I guess it is people who have seen me at my worst in my past and are still there in my present.  People that I have lived with, or spent day in, day out with, the ones who have seen all sides of my personality already.  When I live with someone I can't hide those nasty bits of my personality, they see all of me....ALL!  That to me being vulnerable.

I hold myself together for the world and then regroup and vent when I am at home.  It is here in the spaces separate from the world that I am the worst of myself.  When I am vulnerable I feel like I am paper thin and the wrong word will send me spiralling.  I am fortunate that I have had really good supports when I feel paper thin as it prevents me from spiralling with strangers.  I have only done that a few times in my life and this causes extreme embarrassment and I wish those few times were nonexistent.

The dark side and vulnerable side of me is a big huge pit.  The other day Dominique, my daughter, said to me that when she was a teenager she dug herself a deep hole and all she did was invite other people in with her that helped her dig the pit even deeper.  (Sometimes I was that person.)  It is when we are in this pit that we are so extremely vulnerable and it is so important to invite people in that support us and help us out.

When I am supported I use writing as a means out  So what you are reading is my past vulnerability.  Usually I keep my writing to myself but with the writing group I joined with Ahava Shira, A Year to Love, I began to show my writing more publicly.  This helped me plus the response I received from my readers is it helps them to articulate their own feelings.  So I continue with this blog.  Thank-you for reading :)