Crossing Bridges

I decided to stay close to Victoria as my week was cut short as I had some things I had to finish up in regards to moving.  I chose Goldstream Park as I have always wanted to walk the trestle and view the waterfalls.  The fees are $35 per night to camp with no electricity but the camp sites were lovely and the grounds are very well kept, also family friendly. You are surrounded by tall trees and the birds seem to always serenade.

My first solo camping experience started with putting up my tent.  I purchased a basic tent that said could be put together in 15 minutes.  I have put up tents many times with other people with ease but being alone, I thought I should read the instructions which made me totally confused, so I crumpled them up and threw them at the fire pit. "I hate this!" I said aloud, to which I started laughing.

My cousin Amy used to come visit us every summer on Salt Spring.  She is very sweet and very agreeable.  Wanting to make my cousins visit enjoyable we would ask her what she wanted for dinner, it doesn't matter, would be her response.  Do you want tea? If you are having some, she would reply.  Do you want to go for a walk?  If you want to, she would say.

This was hard for us as we wanted to please her and make her visit memorable.  So Robin, my husband, came up with the plan that when we gave my cousin an option she had to respond with I LOVE IT, if she liked the option or say I HATE IT, when it was something she did not like. We then had fun discovering all the things she loved and hated.  Robin and I would always think of my cousin whenever either of us said, "I LOVE IT" or "I HATE IT".

I knew that putting up a tent shouldn't be too hard on my own so I took a breath and looked at the tent logically and put it together with ease.

I then settled in and fell asleep to peace and tranquility.  After having a wonderful night sleep, I was awoken early by the crows, whom I think did not want any camper to miss the dawn.  After rising I headed to the waterfall, which was a very nice way to start the day.

I then followed the railway track to the trestle which is about an hour walk each way.  I love where my mind goes as I begin to walk for a distance on my own.  Following the railway track I thought of my experiences on trains in the past such as; going on the Royal Hudson Steam Train with my moms family when I was young; or the times we went to White Rock and put our ear to the rail to see if the train was coming, then we would put a coin on the track and wait till the train passed to find our flattened penny.  As a teenager we went on a fun high school trip by train to Lilloet; then when I married Robin he loved model railways so we always made our way to see such displays and on our 10 year anniversary we took a train ride in Alaska.

I contemplated all the different ways there are to gain understanding or to "know" the railroad.  You could prepare the way for the railroad or you can help build a train.  You can learn the ins and outs of an engine and become an engineer and drive a train or you could ride the rails.  Do you think then you would have a total understanding of the railroad?  I asked my self.  What about someone obsessed with railroads that may have never been on a train but watches as the trains go by and learns all the facts there are to know about trains, making model trains in his spare time?

I contemplated that for awhile as I stepped on every other railroad tie.

To "know" something isn't just to have to understanding but to experience it from many different perspectives.  Experience and understanding are two different things; as one person may have gone on their honeymoon on a train and another person may have gotten hit by a train and their experiences would be completely different.  Their perception or experience of the railroad would be polar opposites.

My train of thought....brought me to my job as palliative care worker and then to death.  Isn't it true that we can never compare each other's experience to death as there are no two experiences that are the same.  It starts with our understanding and that is topped by experience.

I love my job, working with people who are dying.  I feel so honoured to be with families during this transition.  It is such a special time in families as you hear the wonderful stories and you get to be there to support them into the transition of the unknown.  The love that surrounds individuals during these last savoured moments fills the spaces where I work.

I love working around death as it reminds me that it is the destiny of every single person walking this earth, me included.  Through each death I support I am reminded to indulge in life every day and cherish the time I spend with the people I love, as all our time is limited.

My experience around death when it has effected me personally is completely different.  I HATE IT!  Each person who has died in my life I have hated their absence for different reasons.  Robin as he was supposed to be my life partner, my first boyfriend, Zoel and my first best friend, Debbie as they were the connection to my childhood and youth disappearing, my grandparents as they made me feel so loved just as I am, my friend Kelly as it seemed so unfair.  Actually all deaths have a feeling of not being fair.  I also HATE seeing the people I love in pain from the loss of their loved one's.

With thoughts still racing in my head I arrived at the trestle, (from my reading is actually a cantilever style bridge but people call it the trestle).

The bridge extends over a very high gorge which terrified me to walk on but as I looked down at the spaces between the ties to the gorge below, my common sense told me there was no way my foot, let alone my chubby body could fall through.

So slowly and over-cautiously, I arrived at the centre and asked someone to take a photo, as proof of my bravery.

Below the trestle is another waterfall but I had been there a previous time so headed back to my campsite to read and relax.

Packing up early the next day I headed to Salt Spring then Youbou to see my mom and store some things in her shed.  At my mom's I learned that my cousin was sent to the palliative care ward at the hospital.  I was completely shocked.  My cousin was getting better, she had been struggling with cancer for the last 2 years but she always recovered.  Why would they put her there.  My cousin is so young and full of life and surrounded by soooo many people that love her.  There is no way palliative is the right place for her.  I could not and can not imagine my sweet cousin not living, and living a long time.

My mom is the oldest of nine and my cousin's dad is the youngest of nine so my Uncle and Aunt are only 9 years older than I am which is way too young to loose a child.  Actually any age is too young!!  It is not the right order of things!!  I can't even imagine how hard this must be for them to face this horrible reality, I will not even let my thoughts go in such a sad direction.  All my thoughts and prayers go to my Uncle and Aunt and Amy's brother right now.

Leaving my moms house I made a detour for a walk to think and process the news I received, this time at the Kinsol Trestle.  There is not even a railroad leading to this old wooden trestle as it is now a park and part of the Trans-Canada trail.  The trestle was easy to walk on as it has a solid surface with no slates like the last trestle plus there is a high security railing.

I pondered what this meant as I walked across this solid and strong bridge.

The longer I live the more varied my experiences will be especially in terms of death as everyone I know will die, before or after me, but it should go in an order...oldest to youngest!  My grandma lived to 92 and she said the hardest thing is all your friends die.  Living a long life means you out live many people you care about.

Feeling the solid surface below my feet with no fear of falling through the ties I listened for my message and looked for a sign.  Could it mean that my cousin's faith is strong and her faith will easily help her make her crossing over the divide between life and death? Or could it mean ... the solid faith of all of us who love my cousin can heal her completely and get her over this current struggle safely?

There is nothing I want more in life right now than to witness a miracle for my cousin and for her to feel how much we all love her.  I think a good experience would be to see a miracle.  I really want that experience.

There are no instructions that come with life even though many books are written on the subject.  I am perpetually having to feel my way through this thing called life, just like everyone else.  Even when two people are confronted with exactly the same situation there are different outcomes, a book may work for one person and not another.

I can only pray and hope for the outcomes I want, even if the outcomes I have received in the past are not what I could have imagined or wanted.  My job is to keep imagining the loving, peaceful and joyous outcomes because preparing my brain for the worst never makes the worst any easier.  So I imagine playing the "I love it and I hate it" game with my cousin in the future.  I imagine laughing with her....lots of laughing!

Whatever bridge we are faced with, we will cross that bridge when it comes, whether it is easy or hard. So now my walks will head to the mainland and I'll go have some laughs with my cousin.

Mile 0 - My Favourite Things in Victoria

Mile 0 - My Favourite Things in Victoria

It seems fitting that the journey of my new beginning starts in Victoria as it is mile 0, the starting point of the Trans-Canada Highway.

I have put all my things in storage and am staying at clients homes and then camping on my days off.  I have no "home".  (My friends are forbidding me to say I am homeless.). I really am at mile 0 in my life, a new starting point.

Being a couple usually means there are compromises and things that were included in my life because of the other person.  Now that I am alone I have only myself, so I can do exactly what I want.  But what do I want in my life?  What am I going to do without having to make joint decisions?

One of my favourite books, The Creative Habit is written by Twyla Thwarp, a dance choreographer.  She loves the process of creating a new dance and walking into an empty room and seeing how things evolve, much like a painter with an empty canvas or a potter with a lump of clay.

My life is exactly that a blank canvas.  But within in this canvas I am discovering what I want to include in my new life, that I have enjoyed in the past.  When my life is blank it is easy for me to feel instantly if I like something or if I don't.

This week I stayed in my new home town of Victoria.  I spent my days off at Dominique's, my daughters, instead of camping while I got all my gear together and readjusted my schedule.  It was a really great week of self discovery.  I started to put all the things I love into my empty days.

Itinerary

Harvesting Food
Berry picking at Marsh Farm in Sannich and making jam with Dominique and Xavier.
This I loved.  I love the rewarding feeling of harvesting the food I eat.  It stirs up wonderful memories of my past and my mom preserving food for us.  Going to my Aunt Mertle's garden to harvest food, my first job as a strawberry picking with my brother who was a horrible picker.  And picking peas and shelling them with my great grandma.

Royal BC Museum
I went with Dominique and Xavier to Royal BC Museum.  I purchased a seasons pass for only $62 so now I can go as many times as I want.  I love museums and history and of course spending time with Dominique and Xavier.

In the museum Xavier got excited about his new favourite sport of soccer.  He rolled up into a ball on the floor of the museum and started yelling "Grandma kick me, kick me Grandma, I'm a ball."  When I wouldn't kick him he yelled, "Mama kick me , kick me mama".  So funny!

Enjoying Art
Oak Bay has installed some sculptures in and around town.  I walked around and enjoyed some of the art.  I love art!  I love seeing the materialization of thought in people's brains.  Love it!  You can vote on your favourite sculpture and the town of Oak Bay is going to purchase the winner for public art.  This is a picture of my favourite.

Walking
I walked around Dallas Road, James Bay and downtown.  I absolutely love walking around cities: watching people, looking at window displays, absorbing the energy of a place.

Book Stores
As I walked I made stops at two of my favourite book stores in Victoria, Munro Books on Government Street and Russell Books on Fort Street.  Leaving without books in hand is a challenge but since I finished Outlander I thought I better buy the next one Dragonfly in Amber.

Hot Yoga
I went to a hot yoga class at Hudson Yoga.  I love it but couldn't believe how differently I felt since last time I was there. This time I was much less flexible and couldn't do a lot of the stretches.  Last time I was still grieving from the loss of my husband and I remembered how sad I felt.  It felt good to see the comparison of how much better I am now but also stiff.

Live Music
I love any kind of music live!  Watching people in their element and enjoying what they are doing plus entertaining me with their talent.  I was entertained at my favourite church, Christ Church Cathedral by a visiting pipe organist.  I love the feeling when the sounds vibrate through my whole body especially in this beautiful building.

Writing
I spent time writing.  I will attempt to write in my blog every week to practice my writing skills.  And putting my writing out there instead of keeping it in my journals.  As Twyla Thorp writes you have to create a habit, so I hope you don't get tired of my ventures and my writing.  As I am taking this journey solo, my writing feels like I am not alone.  Plus I am working on a novel for our art show in November.  It is called "Marking the Years".

Visiting and heart felt conversations
My moms cousin and her husband came out from Tennessee and we spent a day exploring Victoria together. I took them to some more of my favourite places.

Looking at Architecture - We explored the legislature building and listened to a guide while she explained the history of the building.  We learned the architect was only 25 when he designed and over saw the construction of the building.  He also designed the Empress and Crystal garden.  In later years he married a woman 30 years younger than he and was later murdered by her and her boyfriend.

The water taxi - getting from place to place by the water plus a tour up the gorge.  I love being on the water as it gives you a totally different perspective of a place.  The driver told us of the history along the route.

Fisherman's Wharf - dropped off by water taxi we stopped at Fisherman's Wharf for fish and chips at Barb's and then fed the seals.

Exploring while getting to know someone better is on the top, of my list.  Totally enjoyed my visit.  They live in the Appalachian mountain range and I would love to visit them one day.

There ... that is the list of the things I love most in Victoria but even when I am doing things I love other things creep in that push me off my blissful peaks; like trying to find parking in town and doing government paperwork but then I hit a pretty big speed bump just as I had everything organized.

A few days after I had completed my move and everything was in storage and I was ALL in.  The husband that I was taking care of died at 97 years old. The wife doesn't need as much support so everything was up in the air.  But then I applied for and got another overnight job and everything got back on track.  I will still be spending time with the wife and another amazing client.  The wife is doing well but it is a huge adjustment in her life as they were married for 68 years!!

It is interesting how simple life seems when I don't have a to-do list a whole page long.  My stress level instantly dropped.  When a speed bump came my way it didn't feel overwhelming.  My list of things to do is so small.  That day my list was:  get a job.    I got a job and I scratched it off my list.

Next week I start camping so I'll see if I made the right decision then.  I'll keep you posted 😉

Week One - Chapter One

Destination Tofino - Cougar Camp

Things have changed so quickly that it feels like I am not just starting a new chapter in my life but a whole new book.  I have moved from my house and my island home where I have lived for the last 17 years.  I have put everything in storage, started a new live-in job, and instead of getting a permanent residence, I will be exploring the natural beauty of Vancouver Island on my days off.  I will be a gypsy.

Fortunately the timing was perfect as a group of my girlfriends and I had previously booked a few days retreat at Chahayis on Chesterman Beach in Tofino.  A group of my long-time friends traditionally get together to have a 'Cougar Camp', were us 'mature' women get together to talk, surf, drink and eat good food.

My first weekend of being a gypsy and I will be staying at a luxury waterfront home and listening to the surf as I go to sleep.  My friends and I spend our time playing in the ocean or walking its shores.  We all take turns making meals for each other to enjoy around the table that overlooks the surf and the constant changing view of the sea and sky.  It is magical!

The Journey

Coming from different directions we met at an ideal location, Goat on the Roof, in Coombs.  We eat, stock up on groceries and hit the road, meeting up at the next destination only 15 minutes down the road.  Right on the highway is Cathedral Grove where there are monstrous trees in an old growth forest.  The next leg of the journey from Cathedral Grove to Tofino takes longer, about 2 hours, giving us time to catch-up, making the time and distance fly by.

Arriving at our destination I suggested everyone share the first experience of seeing the ocean.  My husband, Robin and I always had the tradition of experiencing the first glance of the ocean together.  It is such a contrasting sight from the forested terrain we travelled through to get to the West Coast and the first sight of the ocean always takes my breath away, I think it should be experienced with others.

When we arrived at Chahayis we all made our way to the front of the house looking town at the path, with the roar of the waves accompanying our steps until we could look up at the ocean together.  Some of our group had never been here and were blown away that this was going to be our accommodation for the weekend.  Even though I have been here numerous times, the exhilaration I feel on that first glance never fades.  I am sure my friends get tired of me saying, "oh isn't it so beautiful ", but then again they were saying the same thing so I am sure they didn't mind.

Everyone has or longs to find that place where time and problems disappear, for me being around water especially the ocean is where I experience an overwhelming feeling of love.  What many people call bliss, I call love.  It is a place of nonjudgement, acceptance and where I am completely immersed in the moment.

Gazing out on water and its constant change from calm to rough I feel the waters peacefulness and strength.  It is my greatest love and my greatest fear.  It always amazes me how something so peaceful looking, can kill so fiercely. But I am prepared for my experience and am always cautious and safe, (my many years of life guarding help).  I am a good swimmer; I know what to do if I get caught in a current; I tell my friends when I go out in the water; plus I have the right equipment to keep me warm.  I have a thick wet suit that enables me to stay out for long periods of time without getting cold.

For me there is nothing better than putting on my wetsuit, with the help of my friends and immersing myself fully into the experience of the ocean, not just looking at the water but being in the water.  Not that ... being in the ocean is better than looking at the ocean .... but I experience it from a totally different perspective.

When I tell people I am going surfing usually that means bougie boarding.  It is so easy and I don't have to work so hard.  One day I'll be able to surf better but for now I go the easy route.

With my bougie board in hand I wade into the water to where the waves are breaking which is no higher than my waste.  I judge the perfect spot to stand to catch the waves, watching where they break.  The strength of some waves almost push me off my feet as I head out, some waves I jump through, others crash against my body.  Arriving at the right spot I see a good wave and attempt to jump in but I was too late. I have to jump in at the right time. There are the waves that look so perfect as they roll towards me but they break ahead or behind me. Timing is everything!

Most of the time I am waiting, watching for a good wave.  It doesn't have to be perfect because I will be back out again and again, catching wave after wave.   You think I would grow impatient when the right wave doesn't come along but I don't.  I find that it is just as much fun watching the waves and the sky and the passing birds or letting myself float with the current as I wait or jumping into waves that go no where at all.

Then I get the timing right and I ride a wave to the shore, it feels so amazing, I am sure my smile can't get any bigger.  I enjoy every single second of the experience.  Some waves don't take me all the way into shore and last for only a few seconds, some I can ride right into the shore until my belly rubs on the sand.

Photo by Melodie Twemlow
As I watch the waves it looks like the water in the wave travelled from a far distance ending at the shore.  Being on the extreme west coast the next land mass would be Hawaii or even Japan, I used to think the water came from there.  I have learned that is not the way it works; it is strange as the ocean water moves up making a wave and then falls back into the immenseness of the ocean.  It isn't new water with each wave it is same water that moves up and down.  When I relax and float, it is the currents underneath that pull me in dangerous directions.  When we took surf lessons last time they told us to have a mark on shore, doing this keeps us out of harms way.  They told us to keep moving back and getting aligned to our focus on shore.

I am sure you can see all the parallels to life, the ocean conjures up in my mind.  As I catch each wave, or float with the current or miss an opportunity with a wave, each moment is giving me a life lesson.  The ocean speaks to me and tells me many stories.  The roar of the ocean drowns out the voices of people within 10 feet of me but it whispers in my ear exactly what I need to hear.

The Messages the Ocean Teaches Me

Some people that enter my life will be there for a short period of time and they may leave early so enjoy every second I have with them.

I will have friends or family that last my whole life and they will be there right to the very end.

Some people will come in and out of my life and that is alright.  Timing is everything.

Sometimes it is fun to just float with the current.  But it is wise to live life with an intention or focus or a goal.

When I am floating it is wise to have a focus or an equilibrium that I can gauge where I am.

I am supported by many people who love me.  Even if I don't feel the effects of their presences in my life they are like the ocean and are embracing me with their love all the time.  Every once and awhile they will become like a wave and have a physical experience with me.

Life can be feared or loved!  When I live cautiously and safely I am am better able to embrace the experience.  The more prepared I am the more enjoyment I can have and the longer I can stay out in the ocean of life.

I can enjoy the time between experiences.  There is beauty in everything.  Waiting isn't even about being patient it is about revelling in the now.

Giving Thanks

I have wonderful amazing friends and family that roll in and out of my life.  I am so thankful and feel very blessed.  Some of these friends are waves that came here to Tofino with me right now:

Kim M and I have been friends with since Kindergarden and has been a constant in my life.  Since she has known me since we were children, she keeps me grounded, reminding me who I am at my core.  Kim is someone whom never judges and makes me and others always feel appreciated and accepted.

Kim H. and I worked together at our first jobs as lifeguards.  I was a fixture in her home and feel like she is not just a friend but my family.  We have stories together that make me feel young instantly and I act it when we are together.  Kim is one of those amazing individuals whom you can always count on her strength and her constant friendship has never wavered even when I have been a huge pain in the arse.

Richelle and Melody I went to high school with and our relationships have been rekindled in the last few years, they both have an ability to make me feel excepted and loved exactly the way I am, they make me feel at peace through perpetual laughter.  I look forward to many more encounters with them at future 'Cougar Camps' and Richelles wedding this summer.

Sharlene is a friend of Kim M. and it is always fun to see her at our traditional 'Cougar Camp'.  Sharlene travels around the world on her own with ease and her lightness and adventurous spirit always inspire me.  Plus she has the best laugh!

The people in my presence are not the only ones who make me feel the oneness we all share.  So many people get frustrated with social media but I love it.  It gives me a huge sense of connection.  Each person I am connected with is a part of my ocean.  I can't even express how nice it is to be in contact with family that live far away or old and new friends or with the many amazing souls that live across the globe whom I connected with when I walked the Camino.  I guess what I am saying is ..... I feel the love!

This is the beginning of my new and exciting journey of being a gypsy.  I have called it embracing the void, the void being change, but it doesn't seem accurate right now as this void feels so full of love.  I feel so blessed to have these amazing woman in my life that I can laugh with, cry with, walk many many steps with, plus drink and eat GREAT food.

I look forward to my next weekend off and exploring Vancouver Island.  My moms cousin is coming to town in a couple of weeks and this weekend I will be watching Xavier, my grandson, so we will be closer to Victoria.

Heading to the ocean was the best place to begin this new gypsy life style, not that a luxury waterfront accommodation sounds anything like a gypsy. I am realizing the thought of entering this change scared me more than the actual living of the experience.  I think I am going to be pleased with my decision.  Of course there are pros and cons within every situation in life but I think the pros will out weigh the cons being a gypsy for awhile.

What I need to do is write a sign and have it say, "Are you feeling disconnected?  When was the last time you were in the ocean?"

I was surrounded by even more love as on my way back to work in Victoria as I stopped at my nephew Cody and his girlfriend Shania's house and held their precious new baby. Holding a sleeping baby fills my heart with just as much love as floating in the ocean.

Life is good!

Embracing the Void

Embracing the Void

I did it!  I moved out of my home, put everything in storage and am homeless!  I will be working half the week, (working 3 days & 4 days off, working 4 days & 3 days off) and living with an older couple assisting them so they can continue to live in their home.  On my days off I am going to explore Vancouver Island.  I am hoping to do the Juan de Fuca Trail, hike into see Della Falls, head up to Scott Point and of course Tofino.  A group of my high school friends had already booked a ocean front home on Chesterman Beach my first weekend of being homeless so I wouldn't really call that roughing it!

Making the decision to give notice to my home on Salt Spring was a spontaneous one which I felt good about until about a week before I had to move.  Then the doubt set in big time.  My self talk began, "this is a ridiculous thing to do", "why would you leave the security of your home and all your friends on Salt Spring Island", "you are CRAZY", "this won't work"!  As I returned home, on the ferry after dropping off a load to storage in Victoria, the gravity of my decision hit me and I cried all the way home as I remembered all the wonderful times I have had on Salt Spring with Robin, my daughter and grandson, my nephews and many friends and family from on and off the island.  I knew I was taking a huge step forward but felt like I was leaving so much of myself behind on my island home.

My goal in life has been to walk forward into my new life without Robin, with only love guiding my path, free of triggers and guilt.  In the past 2 and a half years I have been putting much effort into being positive and making choices that helped me move forward and trying not to fall back into grief.  I wanted to live my life and move forward but there still was been triggers that pulled me sinking backwards, feeling like all my efforts were in vain.

Around the 2 year mark of Robin's death this process seemed to get harder not easier.  I had expectations that my life would just fall into place and I would live an easier existence again but it didn't.  There were triggers everywhere.  So I continued to deal with them as they hit me.


Every time I passed the spot at the ferry terminal where I last said goodbye to Robin I regret that I didn't say, "Don't go! Stay home with us!  You can find work down here and stay closer to home."  I remember saying goodbye and thinking, 'this is the last time to go up to that retched place, I am going to figure something out so he can stay home from now on'. But we wanted to take my daughter Dominique and our grandson Xavier to Disneyland in a month and this stint up north was going to pay for the journey.  I look at the pictures now and can see how tired he was getting from going up north to work.  When I returned to the car after dropping off Robin for the last time, Xavier who was almost 2 year old, cried and cried for Baba (Robin), like he knew something was going to happen.  I wish with all my heart Robin had stayed home, out of dangers way.

As a job I do palliative care and I am given the honour of being with people as they go through the dying process.  I love my job and feel like it is such a privilege  to be present with people as they move out of this world and into the next.  But each time there is a twinge of jealousy and regret that I was not with Robin when he died.  I didn't even get to have a loving conversation instead I was arguing with a nurse who was telling me that Robin drank cutting fluid on purpose.  I was trying to explain that he mistook it for his coffee.  But as she had come across severe alcoholics that drank weird fluids in dry camps, she assumed Robin had done this as well.  The crazy thing is I found out later it wasn't even a dry camp.  I also found out Robin had collapsed in the hall due to his kidneys beginning to fail and the security guards at the camp sent him back to his room, assuming he was drunk.  It makes me feel so angry that this man who led such a loving and giving life was not surrounded by loving people as he passed away.  I watch in envy as I see my clients pass with their families surrounding them.

The hardest thing about moving forward has been my struggle with leaving Robins reputation tarnished or to let things go with the way he was treated in camp.  I knew after Robin's death that I could not face WCB from our experience with it in the past.  I knew I was going to have to recall the worst day in my life and relive it again and again.  Plus they never make things easy.


When Robin was working at the fish farm on Salt Spring Island he got his finger caught in the chain that was attached to a 1000 lb pound anchor.  The crew had to cut the chain, releasing the anchor to the bottom of the sea.  Robins finger when released was in the shape of an S.  His boss Rusty, drove him to the hospital and phoned me on route telling me what happened.  Then kept me posted as they got it x-rayed.  Believe it or not it was not broken, and it slowly went back to its original position.  On returning to the farm, Rusty completed all the paperwork for WCB and sent it off.  When WCB reviewed the claim they rejected it.  Crazy right!  As Robin only missed one day of work they didn't pursue it further.  This is just what WCB does.


I knew this after Robin's accident and I was told by many to progress but I couldn't bare the pain, I wanted to move forward instead of reliving that painful day. Instead I channeled my energies into positive life giving activities such as: doing things with my daughter, grandson and nephews; participating in the Tough Mudder, Tofino surfing, and spending time with friends.  The best decision I made was to walk the Camino, this was such a healing journey for me and well worth my efforts.  Taking this journey was so healing and then writing about it afterwards really put me on the right path.  But even through all this there was this festering wound that was not healing.


I knew that I had to deal with what happened to Robin on his last few days of living for myself to completely heal.  But the more research I did the more I started to fall into this hole of despair.  The more I learned the angrier I became. It is a small world and I would meet someone from the camp and hear things like, "I heard he was having marriage problems and committed suicide."  These comments were likes stabs at my heart and my friends would say it is just talk and not to give it any energy but I doubted everything; myself, Robin, our relationship, and my ability to ever have another relationship again in the future.  Despite everyone's attempt to console me I slipped downwards.


The festering wound was not only that Robin was judged, neglected and treated so disrespectfully but below everything was that belief that the reason he wasn't here with me any longer was because he didn't love me. My main core belief is that ... love conquers ALL! Even though I can now articulate it, I struggle with the self talk that he didn't love me, I am not lovable and I am not worthy of love or compensation for his ridiculously accidental death.  I believed he was like superman and completely infallible. He was a man, a really strong man but more than that I believed he loved me more than any woman could be loved but since he wasn't alive I felt there had to be a glitch in our love. Coming to this understanding of myself and my beliefs has helped me rationalize more about having unrealistic expectations about life and death and where the tears come from when they come.


To help me understand what happened up in Fort Mac on the last few days of Robin's life I made a WCB claim.  Of course they rejected it, saying he had a day off before he died so he must have gone into town, purchased and drank the cutting fluid on his own time.  Now I have sent off to all the different governing bodies, private and public to get details through the Freedom of Information and Privacy Act regarding the events and his mistreatment so I can piece things together.  Things don't seem to add up and I need to know what went on.  That just can't be how the story ends for this amazing soul that walked the earth.  As Robin used to always say, "It begs the question", so questioning I am doing.  This small act of investigation is helping heal the festering wound.  I am hoping once I get answers, there may be a scar but it is able to heal.

Packing up my house, the home I shared with Robin unveiled a memory in each drawer, closet and box of Robin's accumulated clutter.  They brought back so many cherished memories, the bad just as precious as the good.  I found a writing that I had done about a year or two before Robin's death.

"I am grateful my husband came home today. I appreciate so much about Robin. I appreciate his ability to make me laugh and see the lighter side of life. I appreciate his work ethic and how he always gets along with everyone he works with. I appreciate his passion for life that shines through in his artistic creations, his hobbies, his friendships and his love of everything mechanical.  I appreciate that he loves me when I'm happy, but his love continues even when I am sad, when I'm scared and when I am strong like bull. He even loves me when I am being extremely annoying. I appreciate Robin.

I appreciate his punctuality, his love of, play on words, even though most humour goes over my head. I love his fit gorgeous body, his ability to forgive and forget, his giving spirit and his zest for life that gets him up at the break of dawn excited about the day. I appreciate his ability fix anything, his loyalty and dependability, his accent and his stories. I appreciate his respectful caring gentle nature and his romantic side that always has a gift in hand.

I appreciate Robin.

All these things are so true!  I don't know why I wrote them.  I could have been mad at him and wanting to focus on the positive attributes or it may been a day I was overflowing with love but for whatever reason it made me miss him .... a lot!!  These words I wrote made me remember the good things about Robin and what a good man he was.  I tend to focus on being angry at him for leaving me or focusing more on his negative side so it is easier for me to move forward.  I became aware of  the workings of my brain and its attempt to move forward negatively, I noticed that doing it lovingly is a struggle, but love is the only path I want to go down, with Robin and everyone else in my life.  Each day I make decisions, some good and some bad.  There are decisions that strengthen my relationships and there are obvious really bad decisions.  But each choice I make brings me into my future.

I don't know what is harder?  Getting triggered from my past or scared of walking into my future.

Robin had been gone for over two years and I still don't think a day has gone by that I haven't told a Robin story. I did this even when he was alive. I would phone my friends or family and start off with, you wouldn't believe what he did now. Some people only knew Robin through my stories but felt a kinship lost in his passing. He was an example of what truly living looked like and sometimes I forget that the reason we could be together is because of my own ability to live in the moment and grasp life with enthusiasm.

At times I feel like I needed Robin to be my catalyst for living but I am going to show myself I can do this on my own. I will go on telling stories and laughing at his antics but enjoy the new moments, the new experiences and people that come my way.  Into my future I go!  As I looked at my empty home after packing up I felt the emptiness not just in my home but my future.  I feel like I am am entering a void of the unknown.  I guess that is what change is....a void.



I now enter the void, I welcome you to join me as I write about it in my blog, that I have changed the name to 'Embracing the Void'. Change is inevitable it will come with its own joys and sorrows and I am on a journey to feel and embrace these emotions fully. I think Robin will be and is the most interesting chapter in my life. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I have set a pattern to choose happiness and love so I know the next chapter will be filled with just as much love.