Embracing the Void

Embracing the Void

I did it!  I moved out of my home, put everything in storage and am homeless!  I will be working half the week, (working 3 days & 4 days off, working 4 days & 3 days off) and living with an older couple assisting them so they can continue to live in their home.  On my days off I am going to explore Vancouver Island.  I am hoping to do the Juan de Fuca Trail, hike into see Della Falls, head up to Scott Point and of course Tofino.  A group of my high school friends had already booked a ocean front home on Chesterman Beach my first weekend of being homeless so I wouldn't really call that roughing it!

Making the decision to give notice to my home on Salt Spring was a spontaneous one which I felt good about until about a week before I had to move.  Then the doubt set in big time.  My self talk began, "this is a ridiculous thing to do", "why would you leave the security of your home and all your friends on Salt Spring Island", "you are CRAZY", "this won't work"!  As I returned home, on the ferry after dropping off a load to storage in Victoria, the gravity of my decision hit me and I cried all the way home as I remembered all the wonderful times I have had on Salt Spring with Robin, my daughter and grandson, my nephews and many friends and family from on and off the island.  I knew I was taking a huge step forward but felt like I was leaving so much of myself behind on my island home.

My goal in life has been to walk forward into my new life without Robin, with only love guiding my path, free of triggers and guilt.  In the past 2 and a half years I have been putting much effort into being positive and making choices that helped me move forward and trying not to fall back into grief.  I wanted to live my life and move forward but there still was been triggers that pulled me sinking backwards, feeling like all my efforts were in vain.

Around the 2 year mark of Robin's death this process seemed to get harder not easier.  I had expectations that my life would just fall into place and I would live an easier existence again but it didn't.  There were triggers everywhere.  So I continued to deal with them as they hit me.


Every time I passed the spot at the ferry terminal where I last said goodbye to Robin I regret that I didn't say, "Don't go! Stay home with us!  You can find work down here and stay closer to home."  I remember saying goodbye and thinking, 'this is the last time to go up to that retched place, I am going to figure something out so he can stay home from now on'. But we wanted to take my daughter Dominique and our grandson Xavier to Disneyland in a month and this stint up north was going to pay for the journey.  I look at the pictures now and can see how tired he was getting from going up north to work.  When I returned to the car after dropping off Robin for the last time, Xavier who was almost 2 year old, cried and cried for Baba (Robin), like he knew something was going to happen.  I wish with all my heart Robin had stayed home, out of dangers way.

As a job I do palliative care and I am given the honour of being with people as they go through the dying process.  I love my job and feel like it is such a privilege  to be present with people as they move out of this world and into the next.  But each time there is a twinge of jealousy and regret that I was not with Robin when he died.  I didn't even get to have a loving conversation instead I was arguing with a nurse who was telling me that Robin drank cutting fluid on purpose.  I was trying to explain that he mistook it for his coffee.  But as she had come across severe alcoholics that drank weird fluids in dry camps, she assumed Robin had done this as well.  The crazy thing is I found out later it wasn't even a dry camp.  I also found out Robin had collapsed in the hall due to his kidneys beginning to fail and the security guards at the camp sent him back to his room, assuming he was drunk.  It makes me feel so angry that this man who led such a loving and giving life was not surrounded by loving people as he passed away.  I watch in envy as I see my clients pass with their families surrounding them.

The hardest thing about moving forward has been my struggle with leaving Robins reputation tarnished or to let things go with the way he was treated in camp.  I knew after Robin's death that I could not face WCB from our experience with it in the past.  I knew I was going to have to recall the worst day in my life and relive it again and again.  Plus they never make things easy.


When Robin was working at the fish farm on Salt Spring Island he got his finger caught in the chain that was attached to a 1000 lb pound anchor.  The crew had to cut the chain, releasing the anchor to the bottom of the sea.  Robins finger when released was in the shape of an S.  His boss Rusty, drove him to the hospital and phoned me on route telling me what happened.  Then kept me posted as they got it x-rayed.  Believe it or not it was not broken, and it slowly went back to its original position.  On returning to the farm, Rusty completed all the paperwork for WCB and sent it off.  When WCB reviewed the claim they rejected it.  Crazy right!  As Robin only missed one day of work they didn't pursue it further.  This is just what WCB does.


I knew this after Robin's accident and I was told by many to progress but I couldn't bare the pain, I wanted to move forward instead of reliving that painful day. Instead I channeled my energies into positive life giving activities such as: doing things with my daughter, grandson and nephews; participating in the Tough Mudder, Tofino surfing, and spending time with friends.  The best decision I made was to walk the Camino, this was such a healing journey for me and well worth my efforts.  Taking this journey was so healing and then writing about it afterwards really put me on the right path.  But even through all this there was this festering wound that was not healing.


I knew that I had to deal with what happened to Robin on his last few days of living for myself to completely heal.  But the more research I did the more I started to fall into this hole of despair.  The more I learned the angrier I became. It is a small world and I would meet someone from the camp and hear things like, "I heard he was having marriage problems and committed suicide."  These comments were likes stabs at my heart and my friends would say it is just talk and not to give it any energy but I doubted everything; myself, Robin, our relationship, and my ability to ever have another relationship again in the future.  Despite everyone's attempt to console me I slipped downwards.


The festering wound was not only that Robin was judged, neglected and treated so disrespectfully but below everything was that belief that the reason he wasn't here with me any longer was because he didn't love me. My main core belief is that ... love conquers ALL! Even though I can now articulate it, I struggle with the self talk that he didn't love me, I am not lovable and I am not worthy of love or compensation for his ridiculously accidental death.  I believed he was like superman and completely infallible. He was a man, a really strong man but more than that I believed he loved me more than any woman could be loved but since he wasn't alive I felt there had to be a glitch in our love. Coming to this understanding of myself and my beliefs has helped me rationalize more about having unrealistic expectations about life and death and where the tears come from when they come.


To help me understand what happened up in Fort Mac on the last few days of Robin's life I made a WCB claim.  Of course they rejected it, saying he had a day off before he died so he must have gone into town, purchased and drank the cutting fluid on his own time.  Now I have sent off to all the different governing bodies, private and public to get details through the Freedom of Information and Privacy Act regarding the events and his mistreatment so I can piece things together.  Things don't seem to add up and I need to know what went on.  That just can't be how the story ends for this amazing soul that walked the earth.  As Robin used to always say, "It begs the question", so questioning I am doing.  This small act of investigation is helping heal the festering wound.  I am hoping once I get answers, there may be a scar but it is able to heal.

Packing up my house, the home I shared with Robin unveiled a memory in each drawer, closet and box of Robin's accumulated clutter.  They brought back so many cherished memories, the bad just as precious as the good.  I found a writing that I had done about a year or two before Robin's death.

"I am grateful my husband came home today. I appreciate so much about Robin. I appreciate his ability to make me laugh and see the lighter side of life. I appreciate his work ethic and how he always gets along with everyone he works with. I appreciate his passion for life that shines through in his artistic creations, his hobbies, his friendships and his love of everything mechanical.  I appreciate that he loves me when I'm happy, but his love continues even when I am sad, when I'm scared and when I am strong like bull. He even loves me when I am being extremely annoying. I appreciate Robin.

I appreciate his punctuality, his love of, play on words, even though most humour goes over my head. I love his fit gorgeous body, his ability to forgive and forget, his giving spirit and his zest for life that gets him up at the break of dawn excited about the day. I appreciate his ability fix anything, his loyalty and dependability, his accent and his stories. I appreciate his respectful caring gentle nature and his romantic side that always has a gift in hand.

I appreciate Robin.

All these things are so true!  I don't know why I wrote them.  I could have been mad at him and wanting to focus on the positive attributes or it may been a day I was overflowing with love but for whatever reason it made me miss him .... a lot!!  These words I wrote made me remember the good things about Robin and what a good man he was.  I tend to focus on being angry at him for leaving me or focusing more on his negative side so it is easier for me to move forward.  I became aware of  the workings of my brain and its attempt to move forward negatively, I noticed that doing it lovingly is a struggle, but love is the only path I want to go down, with Robin and everyone else in my life.  Each day I make decisions, some good and some bad.  There are decisions that strengthen my relationships and there are obvious really bad decisions.  But each choice I make brings me into my future.

I don't know what is harder?  Getting triggered from my past or scared of walking into my future.

Robin had been gone for over two years and I still don't think a day has gone by that I haven't told a Robin story. I did this even when he was alive. I would phone my friends or family and start off with, you wouldn't believe what he did now. Some people only knew Robin through my stories but felt a kinship lost in his passing. He was an example of what truly living looked like and sometimes I forget that the reason we could be together is because of my own ability to live in the moment and grasp life with enthusiasm.

At times I feel like I needed Robin to be my catalyst for living but I am going to show myself I can do this on my own. I will go on telling stories and laughing at his antics but enjoy the new moments, the new experiences and people that come my way.  Into my future I go!  As I looked at my empty home after packing up I felt the emptiness not just in my home but my future.  I feel like I am am entering a void of the unknown.  I guess that is what change is....a void.



I now enter the void, I welcome you to join me as I write about it in my blog, that I have changed the name to 'Embracing the Void'. Change is inevitable it will come with its own joys and sorrows and I am on a journey to feel and embrace these emotions fully. I think Robin will be and is the most interesting chapter in my life. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. I have set a pattern to choose happiness and love so I know the next chapter will be filled with just as much love.