A Decorated Christmas Tree

The Christmas Season has this way of bringing out extreme in emotions.  The festivities bring us together to celebrate and embrace the special relationships in our lives.  We ponder over what to buy or make for the ones we love hoping the present will bring joy.  We make menus, plan parties, and decorate our homes to bring light to the dark days.  We embrace our beliefs, our families and the food....oh the food.

But then there is the other side.

The loss.

The loss feels so much more intense as the absence of the ones we love feels so much more evident this time of year.  For me the physical void from their absences feels replicated in my body.  There seems to be holes in my heart.  I hate this feeling, I like it much better when my heart is overflowing with love.  The void I feel .... feels like I am not myself and I begin to wonder if I will ever return.

Christmas goes on and the activities continue.  Each outing reminds me of old times or we get excited about creating new holiday traditions.  I am reminded why I love this time of year.

Decorating the Christmas tree with my grandson I got a short glimpse of myself in the reflection on one of the Christmas ornaments.  It was just brief but I saw myself.  I was so happy in this moment I was sharing with my grandson .... I will treasure this memory forever.  I love being his Grandma and the overwhelming love I feel for this extra special soul, he makes me feel like I have a purpose as I walk on this earth.

In that brief second I got a glimpse of my true essence.  Pure love with no strings attached.  I loved him, I loved my life, I loved myself.

Bliss ended as he began to take all the ornaments off the tree and began to act like a typical 4 year old.

There have been other people that have given me glimpses of myself, people who awoke parts of me and made me feel more alive.  Some of these wonderful souls are no longer a part of my life.  I miss them and I miss those glimpses of me that they awoke.  I fear sometimes I will never see those parts of myself without them being in my life.

But what if?

What if each glimpse is just another part of myself and welcoming new people in my life will give me new and different reflections of my true essence.

Maybe when I am older I will see myself as a beautifully decorated Christmas tree full of many different ornaments each unique and ornate mirroring back a distinct part of who I am and who I was.

It is thoughts like this and the support that is given to me from so many amazing people that gives me a hope for the New Year ahead.

Thank-you to everyone who reads my words and supports me through my life journey!!  I feel blessed for the people who are in my life now and who have graced my life in my past.  Each one a beautiful ornament on my tree of life.

Thank-you....thank-you....thank-you!

Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year!!!

WORDS

In the beginning was the word....

I love words...written words, spoken words, stories, songs, poems, words that entertain and words that educate.  Some words feel loving and some words hurt but in the end they are all just plain words.

My friend asked me a question awhile ago, "Robin should have been a linesman, they make good money and he wasn't scared of heights".  Instantly her words stabbed me in my heart.  I felt my body stiffen and a flood of anxiety fill each cell.  The words triggered me, I dwelled on her words all week.  You are probably wondering why...right?

This is where my brain went with that question.  I should have supported Robin and assisted him in getting better training for a better job, it was my fault Robin was doing the job where he worked, I recommended him for this job, I got Robin killed for getting him that job, I am a horrible wife.

This is where my brain went but fortunately it wasn't where I stayed.  These were just words circling in my head.  I had the power to change those words.  As I struggled with my emotions clarity came and I was able to say....It wasn't my fault Robin died.  It wasn't my fault Robin accidentally drank cutting fluid.  It wasn't my fault he didn't go to the doctor and it wasn't my fault the negligence and lies that surrounded him resulted in his death.

If my friend wouldn't have asked the question and if I didn't choose to sit with these feelings and figure out why her words triggered me, I would never have had the growth and understanding of the wound that was there and how to heal.  I am thankful for her question....her words helped release my pain, promoted healing and helped me move forward into the direction I needed to go.

So that leads me to why I write.  Why do I tell you the reader about my journey and about how I feel?

My writing is my exploration into myself.  As I learn about myself I am hoping you too will learn about yourself.  I am NOT writing for you to learn about me but for you to learn about yourself.  My wish is that when my words trigger you, you also will take the time to sit with these emotions and grow in your own life.  I am not writing 'to' anyone but to myself.

My sharing has enhanced my life ... women of all ages approach me with how my words have motivated them to explore their own stories.  Sometimes we feel like we are alone in our struggles and my wish is for women to feel that we are all in this together.  Sharing my triumphs and tribulations has improved the connections I have in my life.  It has helped deepen my connections with the women that cross my path as they feel comfortable to tell me about their own pains.  These meetings motivate me to write even more and dig deeper into who I am and why I do the things I do.

My process to the page is lengthy so when you read what I have written you aren't reading about who I am but who I was.  The person I write about is indeed me but who  I was a month, a year or sometimes even ten years ago.

There are a few people in my life who know the person moving through the process of discovery and most live in my home town, Langley.  These people are 'my' people because they have witnessed my life journey from its beginnings.  I perpetually feel the pull back to this place whenever I struggle.  Langley is the place where I can just be.  It is here that I sit with no words, only feelings.  These are the people that don't need me to be anything but me.

It is here ... in this place ... with these people ... that I start to feel.  It takes me awhile to put into words my emotions and feelings. As I begin to articulate my process I bounce my thoughts off of these core people and a few new girlfriends from Salt Spring.

I have been struggling and grappling with where I belong in this world in the past few years.  I have fully enjoyed this process, taking on the task full force.  Living as a gypsy for the past 6 months has given me the wonderful opportunity to feel....feel where I belong and where I feel safe.  I have had a phenomenal time exploring Vancouver Island and discovering Victoria, this island alone could be a life long quest of discovery. This time has given me the space to figure out what location I want as the bouncing off platform for the adventures I have planned for the rest of my life.

My future at this point is just thoughts of what I wish for.  When I write these wishes down into words they become goals for my future.  I can see myself weaving, spinning, writing, sailing, traveling, exploring this world, and connecting with my friends and family.  I know there will be changes and shifts in my circumstances and I look forward to embracing these changes and learning the lessons these unknown events will teach me.

I want to be in a place that gives me the confidence to embrace the next phase of my life with strength in my step. I feel a peace as I come to the decision as to where I want to take up residence. That trampoline...that place where I feel I will begin my new adventures in life is Langley.  So I will head back, in faith, to the place everything started so I can begin again.

Becoming the Authentic ME

Being me is sometimes hard to be.  

It is easier to be what other people want or need me to be than to just simply be myself.  I realize in the past I have done myself, and the people with whom I relate, a disservice.

I had a huge aha moment this week.  There are a handful of people in my life that I have a very strong connection. I know the connection is solid but I always pose the question to myself as to why ... so that I can strengthen my other relationships to this point.

My friends son is now a student at UVic so Cindy will be making bi-monthly trips to see him and visit me.  We took him to lunch at Tacofino on Fort Street,  after which Cindy stocked him with the bare necessities for university and then we headed out to explore Victoria.

Feeling the tour guide we walked Ogden Breakwater, Dallas Road, then ventured to the city hitting the Legislature Building, the Waterfront, Government Street and China town.  I am excited about showing Cindy a different area each visit.

With all this walking it gave us lots of time for talking and analyzing why we do the things we do in life and in relationships.  Ever since I read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman I have been learning more about how I feel love and the topic pops into every conversation.

There are 5 different ways we feel or show love, they are through: acts of service, physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, and quality time.

I learned of these while Robin was still alive.  

My friend Michele hosted a relationship workshop at her home where we worked through a series of dvd's, with a few other couples.  Robin was working up North so I participated and then told him all about it.  

We learned that the way someone shows love is usually the way they feel loved.

I am not a gift person in the least.  I feel gifts are a waste of money and never what I really wanted but Robin brought home little gifts all the time.  This evidence showed me that this was Robin's love language.  Putting into practice what I learned I purchased Robin a little bird feeder for when he returned from camp.  Well ... he was so ecstatic you would have thought I cured cancer.  

Previously I would have never gifted him this little gift as I would rationalize that if he really wanted something so simple he could go buy it himself.  But to someone whose love language is gifts it makes them feel as though you were thinking about them when you are not with them.

After that I made sure to buy Robin little gifts so that he could feel the love I had for him.  

I learned that my love language is quality time.  I connect to people and feel their love when I spend time and create memories with them.  I then communicated this to Robin.

When Robin came home from work we would go camping down logging roads in the middle of the woods so that he could shoot and shoot to his hearts content.  On one such trip we were all settled in and Robin was doing his target shooting.  After a few shots he looked at me and said, "See we're spending quality time together."  I laughed saying, "Robin it has to be something that I like doing."  He didn't quite get it.  But we had many 'quality time' moments together and I definitely felt his love before he died.

As Cindy and I walked and explored the city we discussed our love languages and the people we have connected to at different times of our lives.  

After the crisis of Robin's death I could only spend time with certain people.  I think I drove my Langley/life guarding friends crazy as I went there so much after my husband passed away.  I felt safe and secure and happy when I was there.  I was mystified as to why this place Langley was where I felt I needed to be.  

When I was young all I wanted to do was get away from this place.  Now as an adult it is the only place I wanted to be.  

Then my aha moment.  

I had spent oodles and oodles of quality time with these people in my life.  What made it quality time was I did things I loved with them.  We worked together, spent time around water, ventured out into the world; hiking, camping, partying as we become adults.  

When returning to visit, our time was spent reminiscing plus creating new memories.  I have spent extensive quality time with these old friends which resulted in lots of stories to tell and laugh about.  With each story I remembered the love I felt from this quality time and in return it overfilled my cup when I return.

The other aha moment.

When I spend time with them now and in the past I was authentically me.  I wasn't being anything but myself and I wasn't pretending to be someone else to make them happy.  Since they have spent so much time with me they have seen all my sides; the good, the bad and the ugly.  They accepted me in the past and I didn't have to test them to see if they would accept the crappy parts of me.  I didn't need to pretend to be anything other than myself for them, I could just be annoying old me.

I realized that the people I wasn't spending time with fell into two categories. 

1. People with whom I had become friends with since I got married.  I hadn't spent as much quality time with some friends such as the ones I met on Salt Spring.  I have had fantastic times with these amazing people but it wasn't as much as with the friends from my youth that I have maintained relationships with after all these years.  Plus these friends only knew me as Robin's wife and I longed to be around people that knew me separate from him.
2. People with whom I had not shown my authentic self to in the past.

So how was I being un-authentic?  

When people were speaking their love language to me I would receive it but not really want or appreciate what they; gave or said or did for me.

Here is a ridiculous example of me being un-authentic.

Friend:  I bought this pair of yellow polka dot and lime green pants for you yesterday.  

Me:        No, no, you shouldn't have!

Friend:  When I saw them I thought of you.

Me:        Why thank-you I really appreciate them.

Later in the week.

Friend:  Have you worn the pants I gave you?

Me:        They are amazing, I have received so many compliments, thank-you.

In my head.  Seriously that is the most ridiculous present EVER.  What on earth was she thinking.  Now I have to go to the effort to get rid of them.  What a waste.  As if anyone would compliment me on those awful pants.

It was easier to take a gift from someone and say how thankful I was for it, then to disappoint the person and say, "Actually that is not something I would like."  I would rather make them feel good and me bad.

After I learned about the love languages, when Robin would bring me home a gift I would say, "You know this doesn't make me feel loved, it feels like a waste of money.  Remember if you want to make me feel the love you have for me than play a card game with me or go for a drive.  These flowers are not for me but for you."  

Because I learned how I ticked I could communicate what I needed and give him what he needed as a result being more authentic.  I was not scared how Robin would react to me communicating my needs.  I was not worried of it resulting in a heated discussion as I knew the discussion would strengthen the relationship.  I did not walk on egg shells in the relationship and neither did he.  

For some people there is a fear of their reaction or there is no desire on my part to strengthen the relationship.

When someone would go out of their way to do something for me but it was more work for me as a result; instead of saying no, I let the person feel they had improved my life from their presence and not communicate that the interaction depleted my energy.  

I have had people do things for me and when they did them I said again and again how much I appreciated their efforts so that they would feel good but I actually felt worse from their service.  They left with the feeling that they had done so much for me and enriched my life because I was not communicating my needs to them properly.

These people I was not authentic around and when I was faced with a crisis I couldn't do the fake stuff to make them feel good anymore.    

In the end there are people that don't want a relationship as I made myself out to be someone that I wan't.

So what have I learned? 

• The less people I try and please the more authentic I am, making it easier to be me.

• Everyone is responsible for their own happiness, I am not responsible to make others happy.

• When I do something for someone else I want the action to be just as much for me as it is for them and visa versa.  The last thing I want is for someone to extend themselves to me beyond their own capacity.  I don't want it to feel like a chore for someone to have a relationship with me.

• I will be more honest in my relationships and no 'thank-you' is a word that I will embrace when needed.

****************

Walking and talking and listening feeds my soul, plus it is the ultimate in quality time for me.  I love my memories of walking around Vancouver.  

I will now be staying in Victoria; except for a few visits to Seattle, Oregon and Las Vegas so if you want to come and walk around the city with me I would love it!  My days off are Monday - Thursday.  

If it would also feed your soul, please join me!

To Date or Not to Date?

I have been getting these questions a lot lately:

Have you met anyone? or

Are you dating?  or

Do you want someone new in your life?

The answers are no... NO... and ... I don't know.

When my husband first died I felt very out of balance.  I have been in relationships since I was 15 years old and I really love having a partner in my life. I loved being a wife!!  So being on my own made me feel out of balance.

I am getting used to being single but there are still times I miss having a partner as I miss loving someone.  Also I love just relaxing and watching tv with a significant other whom I feel totally comfortable with and not talk...just be.  Strangely enough, I even miss arguing, as there is nothing better than a good argument.

My daughter thought the answer to all my problems was for me to get a boyfriend, so for my birthday she made me a POF account, one of those dating sites.  It was so strange!!!!  I chatted back and forth a few times and quickly tired of this method of meeting people.  The thought of then meeting and dating someone, anyone, repulsed me.  I did a lot of dating when I was young and I have no desire to do that again.  I have been there and done that.

As I have put all my things in storage and have no permanent residence I feel....this factor eliminates any possibility of myself meeting someone as it really isn't a selling point to say I am homeless.  Any sane person would turn the other way in fear of me wanting to move in.  Of course I would not do this but I think I would only attract very strange people who would date someone who was homeless.  I certainly wouldn't choose to have anyone in my life if they said they didn't have a home.

As a result of choosing my current lifestyle I have no choice but to be here alone until I figure out what I am doing and where I am going and try and focus on the positive things about being single.


With every decision I make there is always lists; lists of the good and the bad; and the pros and the cons. But first and foremost beyond lists comes that internal guide, my feelings and emotions, that I know will give me the answer of what direction to choose.  For now, I am patient and enjoy the waiting before the knowing.


My future is undetermined but right now .... in this moment .... I write....here are a couple of my lists.

Top 10-things I hate about being single

1. I have to work harder at self improvement.
                                                                 
I have no one that acts as my sandpaper, exposing my short comings.  If I want to improve myself I have to look hard, that is not easy.  Since I don't have to live with someone it is easy to adjust to someone else's life style for a few days when I visit then return to my distorted reality of perfection.

2. No one to make goals and plan and dreams with.
                                                                 
I love making plans and setting goals and dreaming about my possible future.  I especially love doing this with a significant other who wants to participate with me in exciting adventures.  I do that with my friends a bit now but it is completely different with a partner.

3. I am an "I" not a "we".
                                                                                                    
It feels so strange for me to say I, as it feels so egocentric.  I like being a "we".  I loved being a wife and feeling like whatever I did I had a partner in crime.

4. I am fearful of growing old alone.
                                                                                 
I absolutely love the thought of growing old with someone. It feels so sweet.  I love seeing older couples together.  I now feel jealous as it is something I always wanted and how I pictured my life.  I don't want to grow old alone.

5. I have no one to blame anything on, I have to take responsibility for my actions.
 
I used to say that the reason I got married was so I had someone to blame everything thing on.  Being single sucks as I have to be completely responsible for myself.

6. No incentive to make myself look pretty. 
                                                                     
I know I should make myself pretty for myself but I personally feel comfortable the way I am.  Shaving my legs just feels like a complete waste of time.  I do miss getting dressed up and looking pretty every once and awhile for someone else.

7. No one to hold me when I am sad. 
                                                                               
I am not one for hugs.  My husband used to call me an incu-baby because I was put in an incubator when I was a baby and he contributed this to me not liking to be touched.  So the thought of someone holding me when I am sad other than a partner feels completely yucky.  I never thought I would ever say this but I miss being held.

8. No one to argue with and vent to when I have had a bad day.
                              
Partners always get the raw end of the deal as they get the bad end of every sucky day.  Sometimes the only thing that makes life feel better is a good argument.  I miss this.

9. Having a man on your side still makes a huge difference in life.
                             
A lot of men still respect another man more than a woman.  I feel like a push over when I don't stand up for myself and a bitch when I don't let men walk over me.  With my husband on my side it felt like all it took was a hand shake and things were going in the right direction.

10. Feels weird doing things with couple friends.
                                                            
It now feels strange to do things alone, with friends we did couple things with.  Luckily we didn't have too many couple friends and most of my friends have stayed the same.  But being around couples does feel strange.

Top 10 - things I love about being single

1. I don't have to compromise 
                                                                                           
I can choose to do exactly want I want and not concern myself with what someone else wants.  My free time is 100% my choice.  This is beyond wonderful as I tend to do more compromising in a relationship as I am easy going.

2. Do what I want when I want it 
                                                                             
Beyond work my schedule is my own.  I don't have to work around a significant others work or fun schedule.   I am never in a rush to stick to someone else's schedule or plans that I didn't fit into my own schedule.

3. All my money goes where I choose to spend it 
                                                           
I love having my own money and not sharing with someone else.  If I am low on funds it is because the funds went to me and no one else.  My husband was expensive with all his various expenses so I supplemented him with my income.  But not any more and not ever again.

4. I am perfect, as there is no one to point out my deficiencies
                                    
I feels nice not having someone notice when I leave my clothes on the floor or my papers all around or when I sleep in unwitnessed.  My flaws are hidden from the world.

5. When I put something somewhere it stays
                                                             
My things aren't being used by someone else or moved.  If I loose it, I loose it but most of the time things are exactly where I put them.

6. No need to shave my legs or worry about what I look like naked 
                           
My poor husband as I never have been a girly girl.  But for sure now there is no one to notice my granny underwear or my hairy legs. This is absolutely lovely!!

7. There is nothing holding me anywhere, my future is full of possibilities
                 
I have no limitations except for the ones I put on myself.  If I decide to travel to Norway or Australia or go to school or do more distance walks I can do it.  All I have to do is save my own money and make a goal and do it.

8. I don't have to take care of anyone but myself
                                                       
No meals, no laundry, no cleaning up after someone.  I am taking care of only myself.

9. The people I spend time with are my friends and family.
                               
Getting into a relationship means taking on another family and new friends.  I have been able to focus solely on my friends and family.  Robin's mom and step dad and step mom are now my family, some of his friends are now my friends but getting in a new relationship would double the social circle.  I don't want this so right now the amount of people in my life seems perfect.

10. I am finding my own strength without a man in my life. 
                                           
I never knew how much I depended on men for negotiations or standing up for me when there was a disagreement or fixing the car and taking out the garbage.  Doing these things on my own or paying someone to do it for me is very empowering.  I feel more capable then I ever have in my life.

**********

Being a gypsy has done exactly what I needed.  It has given me space to free myself from my "things", all those objects that hold memories and within each ... a trigger.  I now feel free to move on with my life, in which direction is the question.

As I write my lists, then read my lists, and live my life ... I am becoming more and more comfortable being single and feeling much more balanced being on my own. My goals are all achievable without a partner and that feels wonderful.  Whether or not I get into a relationship in my future, life feels good now and that is what is important!!!

I have an amazing friend base and wonderful family; not just blood family but people that have impacted my life so much they feel like family.  At this point I have no desire to increase the number of relationships that I have.

I know I made the right decision to put my things in storage as I have had the most memorable summer in a long time.  I will remember this summer for the rest of my life.  This time has given me space to breath a new life in with no responsibilities.  As I move forward I will be observant of the relationships and responsibilities I take on and how they will impact my life.

For now I am choosing to strengthen the relationships I already have.


So I guess I answered the question....no dating :)

Turning Off the GPS and Finding My Own Path

Lately I have been noticing that when I use Google Maps I don't pay attention to how I am getting to a location.  I depend on the voice in my phone to bring me to my destination and back.  I disregard signs, land marks or even the way I am going.

As I continue my nomadic lifestyle Google Maps has brought me on some interesting ventures in the last couple months.  I am trying to pack everything I can into summer and have been spending more time 'doing' than writing.  As I sit down to write I am reviewing what I have done as I go through my photos.  

I can't believe in the last 2 months all the places I have been: Starting off with Tofino then

Englishman River Falls

The Dark Side

 Royal Roads University, Elk Lake, Goldstrem Park, 

White Rock Beach

 Kinsol Trestles, Thetis Lake,  Fishermans Wharf, 

Goldenears Park

Goat on the Roof
Coombs Country Market

Grouse Grind, Woody's Lagoon, Mt. Doug, Willow Beach, Walks along Dallas Road and 

Beacon Hill Park

Cowichan lake and river,

Bald Mountain

Cascade Falls

Fort Langley  and then back to 

Tofino

If I had to pay rent or mortgage and manage a home there is no way I would have had time to do all these things.  I have felt very free to explore this amazing world we live in, going down roads with the help of my GPS that I have never gone down.

When I was leaving Cascade Falls my phone died and I had to find my way back without the use of GPS.  Nothing looked familiar as I hadn't been paying attention to my path or even noticing landmarks.  We found our way back with a few u-turns but I made the decision not to depend so much on my GPS.

This month also consisted of going to my cousins funeral, a family gathering, and a friends wedding; giving my emotions the opportunity to travel wanted and unwanted paths.  Through feeling these strong emotions I am reminded that my emotions are my guide through this process of discovering myself and the future I desire. 

My emotions will help answer the questions I need answered and release my past.

I have set myself on the nomadic path for a few different reasons:

1. As I visit different places I want to feel what place feels like home.
2. I want a fresh slate and not be in a place surrounded by triggers.  
3. I want to free myself to experience life and new adventures.

I have been successful in number #2 & #3, only 2 months in I am feeling like I have had a fresh start and creating a platform to jump into the next phase of my life without the emotional weight of the loss of my husband holding me back.  

As you can see by my list of places I have visited confirms lots of new adventures. Not having a home doesn't just motivate me to do new things; I have absolutely no choice but to get out there and just DO.

#1 is the hard one!

Figuring out where I want to live is getting more and more confusing.  

When I am in Langley with my family and life long friends I feel the warm comfortable blanket of nostalgia pull me in and I can't imagine myself anywhere else.

Then I spend some time in Victoria exploring with my daughter and grandson and see the possibilities of new adventures in their eyes.  I want to be closer so I can have front row seats watching their lives unfold.

Oh ... but then I go to Tofino.  It is such a magical place for me.  Being by the ocean and in the ocean, living a laid back, easy going life-style, embraced by the elements seems like a dream come true.

I haven't even visited Vancouver yet, another city that pulls at my heart strings.

My emotions are guiding me in multiple directions, my hope is that they will assist me in making up my mind soon.  I have to listen to that internal guide, that shows me the way to my future, through my feelings.  

I am still careful of the people I include in my life as some people try to pull me away from my own internal guidance system and control what I do as they feel they have the answers for my life.  Who knows I may come out with the same outcome they want but I would never know that unless I follow my own heart.

I guess it is something like the GPS.  I had to stop using it so I could see where I was going and not listen to the machine, oblivious of my surroundings and not watching for the signs.  

It is easy to listen to what others say to do but then I would not be on my own path, I would instead be filling their needs and desires putting myself last. In the end I would be resentful of them if I don't listen to myself.  

I am fortunate to have the space and the time for lots of calm, it is instantly apparent when something is overwhelming or not the direction I want to go. Strangely enough my emotions are not pulling me back to Salt Spring.  I thought for sure I would want to go back but I am not feeling it.  I have wonderful friends and fantastic memories but I don't feel like I will ever be moving back to the place I called home for 17 years.  My wise mother has said, "Never say never".

Even though I don't know where I will end up, I definitely am enjoying the path of a nomad.  So when I no longer feel the fun I will settle down....somewhere.

What is Being Happy?

I had a wonderful week of spending quality time with some of the amazing people in my life.  I headed out to Langley and stayed with my friend Kim, as I traditionally do this week, for her birthday.

It worked out perfect for me to stay a bit longer so I could go to another girlfriend's , Richelle, stagette/shower.

I filled the days between with going to Golden Ears for a hike with my friend Cindy and her son Aiden;

torturing myself by going up the Grouse Grind with my friends,  Kim & Kevin, children;

but most importantly going to Abbotsford to see family and spending time with my cousin in palliative care.

It had its ups and downs but it was a week of feeling genuinely happy.

I had a conversation with a friend who is looking for a new job and a new relationship and she said, "I just want to be happy again" so I asked her, "what is the time and place you were happy and how did it feel"?

After I asked her this I got to thinking about myself and my own happy moments; when were they and how did it feel to be happy and why was this such a happy week?

I guess how I would define "happy" is a feeling of being in a moment, feeling content, relaxed and not wanting to be anywhere else.  No striving, no over enthusiasm, happiness isn't eager or wanting.  Happy moments get lost when I or the people I am with try and suck the moments dry, when there is a feeling of desperation or thinking about what's next.  Happiness is a balance between enjoying the moment to the fullest and not wanting it to end but at the same time letting it flow.  There is no desire to make the moment any different than it is. Does that make any sense at all?  What I feel when I say I am happy is ... I feel at ease.

You know when you exhale and let your body totally relax?  That is how happiness feels for me, breathing in a moment in time and letting myself relax into the experience.  When we are relaxing and our body is at ease we don't think about our next breath, it comes at exactly the right moment.  Being calm yet joyful to me is the feeling I get when I'm happy.

So when we're these moments in my past?  I know I have had a lot of them and I remember telling myself, 'remember this moment and this feeling' but the memories float away with time, leaving me with only a few significant moments that stand out in my memory.

Happy Memories From My Past

* Playing in the pool for hours on end with my friend Debbie when we were young.

* Coming home from summer camp with my cousin Marcea.  We were hanging out on the ferry sitting with all the people we bonded with at camp.

* Sleeping on the trampoline with my friend Kim under the stars and waking covered in dew.

* Enjoying Sangria with the friends I met on the Camino in the square at Burgos then going to mass.

* Walking down Dallas road with Xavier when he was a toddler.

* Going to the beach with Dan and Heather digging in the sand harvesting our dinner of steamed clams and clam chowder.

* Walking around Stanley Park with my friend Teresa, in those glorious moments when we just walk, not even talk.

* Going to Expo86 with my family and getting my dad to take picture after picture of all the different pavilions; of course I wanted myself in every photo.

* Playing in the pool with Robin, just being silly, playing children's games.

* When my brother and I made circuits around the house of different physical activities to test our strength and skills against each other.

* Being in the ocean, letting my body sway with the waves that come in and out.

* Walking around the city when I lived in Vancouver with Robin, Teresa And Jasper, Teresa McMillian, Craig Wisdom, Stacey and Jimmy Godfrey, and Jonathan Denny.  We had no destination we would just walk.

* Sitting around Sam and Erin's table journaling and scrap booking.

* Talking with my Cougar Camp girlfriends, really talking, so our souls are connecting.

* Laughing about the silliest things with Dominique and getting the giggles.

* Life guarding and working as a team with the staff at Al Anderson and Port Kells Pool.  The summer could have lasted forever and I would never have tired of it.

* Sleeping in and pushing that sleep button again and again never wanting the moment of peacefulness to end, savouring those last moments before rising.

* Picking lavender from my backyard with my cousin Amy.

* Coming home to my dog Bailey who would wag his tail so hard that his whole body would go back and forth.

* When Cindy and I lived together and shared the same room (2 beds in one room made it very cramped) we would spend all day together, then talk till late in the night.  Still we get on the phone and talk about absolutely nothing, embracing the moment of nothingness.

* Going to the movies alone, or an art gallery, or a book store; having a date with me, myself and I.

* Sitting in our little cabin that Robin and I built, coming up with ridiculously funny ideas with Robin over a bottle of wine.

* Watching my nephews wrestle on the ferry or at our house on the deck full of mattresses.

* Making fun movies with Robin and Dominique and the nephews.

* Playing cards with my mom till late into the night, after each game saying, just one more.

* Sitting and talking about the meaning of life with my mother-in-law Susanna, my Aunt Betty, Uncle Stan and Auntie Alice and my cousin Florence.

* Playing keep away spontaneously with my brother, sister, Kim, Guy and Gene in our backyard till late in the night then it would turn into hide and seek in the shadows.

* The last day of school before Christmas break going to the Christmas Carol sing along in the gym and singing with everyone.

***********

Looking at my happy list, I notice there is nothing about success or planning or things out of the ordinary.  My happy list is about play and spontaneity and special moments with people that I care about.

My happy moments weren't falling in love, winning an award or milestones in my life but precious small moments shared.  I am happy playing, being in water, laughing, walking and having heart felt conversations.  In the happy moments there isn't a feeling of trying to improve the moment or make it better or think about how it could be better in the future; I just feel happy.

Life would be so simple if my quest would only be happiness but it is not and it can't be.  I need to make money to feed myself plus I still want to have goals and successes in my life, on this journey I am taking.

Happy Moments This Week

I love having heart felt conversations with people.

I was able to sit down with some of the amazing people in my life and have wonderful heart felt conversations that touched my soul and made me feel extremely happy.  Some of the conversations were about mine or their hopes and dreams, some sadness, some fear of change, some frustration or some even anger but each person revealed apart of themselves making me feel connected to them.  I hope our talks brought them happiness as well.  Not just the conversation I had but sometimes it was the comfort in the silence that embraced us....happy!

Walking and talking in nature enhances time together.

Even though I do spend a lot of time complaining while I hike, I do feel extremely happy.  I fluctuate between yearning for the end and completely immersing myself in the magnificence of nature....happy.

Celebrating with friends

Celebrating always seems to bring up wonderful memories of fun times spent together.  Reminiscing about times together and expressing our gratitude for our relationships....this makes me happy.   Then connecting with old friends like a day hasn't passed but it has been 30 years....happy.

The icing on the cake was coming back to Vancouver Island and going right to my daughter Dominique's and spending some quality time with her and my grandson.

Xavier took this photo 

Watching them play...ahhhh!

I am happy!

Having no home of my own has its pros and cons but one of the pros is I am not on a perpetual quest to get home.  I didn't realize, until now, how much I used to rush to get back home...in time to do absolutely nothing.

Being homeless is actually making my life feel happier.  I know this period in my life will soon pass so I am revelling in the simplicity of my life.  I have a short to do list, barely any bills, time to explore and see new things, but most importantly time and energy to spend quality time with my friends and family.

I think this is a good thing!

So what does happiness feel like to you?

Tell me about some happy moments in your life or just sit and reminisce on your own for awhile.

I hope you have a day with at least one happy moment.

Vulnerability and the Dark Side

Hiking the Dark Side

I went for a wonderful hike today with my nephew.  I joined a Facebook page called Take a Hike VANCOUVER ISLAND.  The posts from its members inspired me to take a hike on the Nanaimo River called "The Dark Side".  A family posted that they took the hike with their 4 year old child and said it was a great beginner hike.

Cody, my nephew and I headed out as per the directions of people on Facebook.  The weather was a bit gloomy and it had been raining all night but had stopped and everything was very moist; lovely walking weather.

As we followed the path we came to a junction that was marked and there was a ladder with a rope going down a cliff so we thought this was the way.

I was pretty impressed that this family took their 4 year old down this ladder as it was pretty scary for me.  This lead us to the river with water pools that made us long for a bright sunny day, then we ventured down the river in search of the Dark Side.  The big rocks were wet and covered in algae and moss making them very slippery.

I thought maybe it wouldn't be so hard on a sunny day but it was very challenging for me to navigate the rocks.  I finally told Cody it was too difficult for his dear old auntie and we had to turn around.  We found a trail up to the ridge and came to a path.  I kept thinking this can't be the right route we were on as there is no way I could see a 4 year old taking it.  I googled the hike again and it said it was a fabulous beginner hike.  Cody and I then followed the path on the top of the ridge that followed the river from above, which was smooth and easy walking leading us effortlessly to the gorge.

When we arrived we felt we had entered the land of the lost as we were surrounded by huge boulders on both sides with wooden bridges and ladders leading us around the gorge.  We were so glad we found it as it was a remarkable place and yes it would have been a very easy hike.

But then again we would have never found the water pools that we defiantly will come back to when the hot sun is demanding a cool down. Next time I will bring my 4 year old grandson and my daughter, they will love it!

Vulnerability 

When I write about my feelings and emotions I am told by my readers that it must be hard being so vulnerable or they appreciate my rawness and vulnerability.  When I hear this I feel like I am being a farce as when I write I don't feel I am being vulnerable at all.

I am vulnerable when I am silent, contemplating, crying, living and feeling the emotion.  There is no way I can articulate or write about my emotions and feelings when I am in the process of being vulnerable.

What you read when you read about my emotions put into words is my past.  When I can write about something, I am no longer triggered by the situation or the circumstances.  I have already dug myself out with the help of a few select friends, family and my counsellor.  Sometimes it takes years to articulate how and why I felt a certain way.  The people I lean on during these times and see me actually being vulnerable, can fit on one hand.

Inviting people into the pit with me is really hard.  At first I don't invite anyone in, the first thing I do is go silent. I have certain signs that show me I am going into the dark side but each time I don't listen to the signs till after I have gotten myself out.  It has taken me a long time to recognize I am on the dark side but now I am learning the signs.

Getting myself out is hard. I have to talk about my emotions all the time.  It is exhausting for me I can't even imagine how annoying it is for my support system.  I have to take my focus off of other people and devote my attention to myself.  I have to work reasonable amount of hours and not overwork.  Then talk about my emotions some more.

It isn't fun being the person I vent to as my mind spins in a million directions as I try and figure out what I am feeling.  This is the worst of me!  I save the worst of me for a very few select people whom I am closest to and feel safe with.

So how does someone receive this honour?  I guess it is people who have seen me at my worst in my past and are still there in my present.  People that I have lived with, or spent day in, day out with, the ones who have seen all sides of my personality already.  When I live with someone I can't hide those nasty bits of my personality, they see all of me....ALL!  That to me being vulnerable.

I hold myself together for the world and then regroup and vent when I am at home.  It is here in the spaces separate from the world that I am the worst of myself.  When I am vulnerable I feel like I am paper thin and the wrong word will send me spiralling.  I am fortunate that I have had really good supports when I feel paper thin as it prevents me from spiralling with strangers.  I have only done that a few times in my life and this causes extreme embarrassment and I wish those few times were nonexistent.

The dark side and vulnerable side of me is a big huge pit.  The other day Dominique, my daughter, said to me that when she was a teenager she dug herself a deep hole and all she did was invite other people in with her that helped her dig the pit even deeper.  (Sometimes I was that person.)  It is when we are in this pit that we are so extremely vulnerable and it is so important to invite people in that support us and help us out.

When I am supported I use writing as a means out  So what you are reading is my past vulnerability.  Usually I keep my writing to myself but with the writing group I joined with Ahava Shira, A Year to Love, I began to show my writing more publicly.  This helped me plus the response I received from my readers is it helps them to articulate their own feelings.  So I continue with this blog.  Thank-you for reading :)

Possiblities Within the Change

As I embrace the change in my life and try to feel the direction of my future, life goes on with its ups and downs.

I love the way things are right now ... in this moment.  I am really enjoying spending time with my family and friends.  I am appreciating the life style I have chosen because of its flexibility and my ability to focus on the people in my life that are significant to me.

I thought the change of not having a residence and putting all my things in storage would be difficult but this seldom even crosses my train of thought.  What I think about more is where I want to settle in the future and if I even want to have another relationship.

I have been drawn to the mainland due to my cousin and I am savouring every moment I have with her at the hospital. Along with that comes time with my aunts and uncles and cousins and life-long friends and their children that all live on the mainland. As I drive down roads that stimulate an old memory around every turn, I feel at home.  This always happens when I come to the mainland but even more so now as my stresses and expectations in life are at a minimum.

I feel guilty for the ease of my own life as I witness to ones I love getting on that hard road of grief, death and recovery.  It is such a hard journey and I pray for my Uncle and Aunt and Amy's brother daily.  I wish I could take away their pain but everyone takes their own route to heal their heart, there is no right way or wrong way.

As my own path now leads me to memory lane and my old haunts such as; White Rock Beach

and views of my life long touch stone, Mt. Baker

my thoughts go to the difference in my life of not having a partner.

It is a strange contrast for me not to have a partner but presently I feel the benefits of this not the disadvantages.  I can put complete focus on my friends and family and I am not pulled in the direction of a partners social circle.  Part of my family is also Robin's family and his mother is not very healthy and I have the flexibility right now to redirect myself to Australia if she takes a turn for the worst.  As Robin was an only child his family consists of a mother and step father in Australia a step mother in Vancouver.  I feel so lucky to have them a part of my life, along with my friends and family and I don't want another partner who pulls me in an opposing direction.

Relationships take work, all kinds of relationships not just partnerships.  At this point in my life I only want to devote my energy to the relationships I already have, I feel no pull, or see no space, to redirect any of my energy into any kind of new relationship.  It  is interesting, as the relationships I developed while walking the Camino were new but they felt like old friends coming together.  I guess that is the only way I will include new friends, they must feel like they have always been a part of my world.

When I am on the mainland I feel like this is the place I will end up and then I come back to the Island and go on another adventure and feel this is the place for me.  I guess only time will tell.  For now I am really enjoying my decision to be a gypsy.  But with that comes people opening their homes to me.  For this I am so thankful and extremely grateful!

I was welcomed by my niece, Sophie with this wonderful note on my pillow.

This is a photo of the breakfast my niece, Rylee, made for me on my arrival, how can I not feel completely at home?