What is Being Happy?

I had a wonderful week of spending quality time with some of the amazing people in my life.  I headed out to Langley and stayed with my friend Kim, as I traditionally do this week, for her birthday.

It worked out perfect for me to stay a bit longer so I could go to another girlfriend's , Richelle, stagette/shower.

I filled the days between with going to Golden Ears for a hike with my friend Cindy and her son Aiden;

torturing myself by going up the Grouse Grind with my friends,  Kim & Kevin, children;

but most importantly going to Abbotsford to see family and spending time with my cousin in palliative care.

It had its ups and downs but it was a week of feeling genuinely happy.

I had a conversation with a friend who is looking for a new job and a new relationship and she said, "I just want to be happy again" so I asked her, "what is the time and place you were happy and how did it feel"?

After I asked her this I got to thinking about myself and my own happy moments; when were they and how did it feel to be happy and why was this such a happy week?

I guess how I would define "happy" is a feeling of being in a moment, feeling content, relaxed and not wanting to be anywhere else.  No striving, no over enthusiasm, happiness isn't eager or wanting.  Happy moments get lost when I or the people I am with try and suck the moments dry, when there is a feeling of desperation or thinking about what's next.  Happiness is a balance between enjoying the moment to the fullest and not wanting it to end but at the same time letting it flow.  There is no desire to make the moment any different than it is. Does that make any sense at all?  What I feel when I say I am happy is ... I feel at ease.

You know when you exhale and let your body totally relax?  That is how happiness feels for me, breathing in a moment in time and letting myself relax into the experience.  When we are relaxing and our body is at ease we don't think about our next breath, it comes at exactly the right moment.  Being calm yet joyful to me is the feeling I get when I'm happy.

So when we're these moments in my past?  I know I have had a lot of them and I remember telling myself, 'remember this moment and this feeling' but the memories float away with time, leaving me with only a few significant moments that stand out in my memory.

Happy Memories From My Past

* Playing in the pool for hours on end with my friend Debbie when we were young.

* Coming home from summer camp with my cousin Marcea.  We were hanging out on the ferry sitting with all the people we bonded with at camp.

* Sleeping on the trampoline with my friend Kim under the stars and waking covered in dew.

* Enjoying Sangria with the friends I met on the Camino in the square at Burgos then going to mass.

* Walking down Dallas road with Xavier when he was a toddler.

* Going to the beach with Dan and Heather digging in the sand harvesting our dinner of steamed clams and clam chowder.

* Walking around Stanley Park with my friend Teresa, in those glorious moments when we just walk, not even talk.

* Going to Expo86 with my family and getting my dad to take picture after picture of all the different pavilions; of course I wanted myself in every photo.

* Playing in the pool with Robin, just being silly, playing children's games.

* When my brother and I made circuits around the house of different physical activities to test our strength and skills against each other.

* Being in the ocean, letting my body sway with the waves that come in and out.

* Walking around the city when I lived in Vancouver with Robin, Teresa And Jasper, Teresa McMillian, Craig Wisdom, Stacey and Jimmy Godfrey, and Jonathan Denny.  We had no destination we would just walk.

* Sitting around Sam and Erin's table journaling and scrap booking.

* Talking with my Cougar Camp girlfriends, really talking, so our souls are connecting.

* Laughing about the silliest things with Dominique and getting the giggles.

* Life guarding and working as a team with the staff at Al Anderson and Port Kells Pool.  The summer could have lasted forever and I would never have tired of it.

* Sleeping in and pushing that sleep button again and again never wanting the moment of peacefulness to end, savouring those last moments before rising.

* Picking lavender from my backyard with my cousin Amy.

* Coming home to my dog Bailey who would wag his tail so hard that his whole body would go back and forth.

* When Cindy and I lived together and shared the same room (2 beds in one room made it very cramped) we would spend all day together, then talk till late in the night.  Still we get on the phone and talk about absolutely nothing, embracing the moment of nothingness.

* Going to the movies alone, or an art gallery, or a book store; having a date with me, myself and I.

* Sitting in our little cabin that Robin and I built, coming up with ridiculously funny ideas with Robin over a bottle of wine.

* Watching my nephews wrestle on the ferry or at our house on the deck full of mattresses.

* Making fun movies with Robin and Dominique and the nephews.

* Playing cards with my mom till late into the night, after each game saying, just one more.

* Sitting and talking about the meaning of life with my mother-in-law Susanna, my Aunt Betty, Uncle Stan and Auntie Alice and my cousin Florence.

* Playing keep away spontaneously with my brother, sister, Kim, Guy and Gene in our backyard till late in the night then it would turn into hide and seek in the shadows.

* The last day of school before Christmas break going to the Christmas Carol sing along in the gym and singing with everyone.

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Looking at my happy list, I notice there is nothing about success or planning or things out of the ordinary.  My happy list is about play and spontaneity and special moments with people that I care about.

My happy moments weren't falling in love, winning an award or milestones in my life but precious small moments shared.  I am happy playing, being in water, laughing, walking and having heart felt conversations.  In the happy moments there isn't a feeling of trying to improve the moment or make it better or think about how it could be better in the future; I just feel happy.

Life would be so simple if my quest would only be happiness but it is not and it can't be.  I need to make money to feed myself plus I still want to have goals and successes in my life, on this journey I am taking.

Happy Moments This Week

I love having heart felt conversations with people.

I was able to sit down with some of the amazing people in my life and have wonderful heart felt conversations that touched my soul and made me feel extremely happy.  Some of the conversations were about mine or their hopes and dreams, some sadness, some fear of change, some frustration or some even anger but each person revealed apart of themselves making me feel connected to them.  I hope our talks brought them happiness as well.  Not just the conversation I had but sometimes it was the comfort in the silence that embraced us....happy!

Walking and talking in nature enhances time together.

Even though I do spend a lot of time complaining while I hike, I do feel extremely happy.  I fluctuate between yearning for the end and completely immersing myself in the magnificence of nature....happy.

Celebrating with friends

Celebrating always seems to bring up wonderful memories of fun times spent together.  Reminiscing about times together and expressing our gratitude for our relationships....this makes me happy.   Then connecting with old friends like a day hasn't passed but it has been 30 years....happy.

The icing on the cake was coming back to Vancouver Island and going right to my daughter Dominique's and spending some quality time with her and my grandson.

Xavier took this photo 

Watching them play...ahhhh!

I am happy!

Having no home of my own has its pros and cons but one of the pros is I am not on a perpetual quest to get home.  I didn't realize, until now, how much I used to rush to get back home...in time to do absolutely nothing.

Being homeless is actually making my life feel happier.  I know this period in my life will soon pass so I am revelling in the simplicity of my life.  I have a short to do list, barely any bills, time to explore and see new things, but most importantly time and energy to spend quality time with my friends and family.

I think this is a good thing!

So what does happiness feel like to you?

Tell me about some happy moments in your life or just sit and reminisce on your own for awhile.

I hope you have a day with at least one happy moment.

Vulnerability and the Dark Side

Hiking the Dark Side

I went for a wonderful hike today with my nephew.  I joined a Facebook page called Take a Hike VANCOUVER ISLAND.  The posts from its members inspired me to take a hike on the Nanaimo River called "The Dark Side".  A family posted that they took the hike with their 4 year old child and said it was a great beginner hike.

Cody, my nephew and I headed out as per the directions of people on Facebook.  The weather was a bit gloomy and it had been raining all night but had stopped and everything was very moist; lovely walking weather.

As we followed the path we came to a junction that was marked and there was a ladder with a rope going down a cliff so we thought this was the way.

I was pretty impressed that this family took their 4 year old down this ladder as it was pretty scary for me.  This lead us to the river with water pools that made us long for a bright sunny day, then we ventured down the river in search of the Dark Side.  The big rocks were wet and covered in algae and moss making them very slippery.

I thought maybe it wouldn't be so hard on a sunny day but it was very challenging for me to navigate the rocks.  I finally told Cody it was too difficult for his dear old auntie and we had to turn around.  We found a trail up to the ridge and came to a path.  I kept thinking this can't be the right route we were on as there is no way I could see a 4 year old taking it.  I googled the hike again and it said it was a fabulous beginner hike.  Cody and I then followed the path on the top of the ridge that followed the river from above, which was smooth and easy walking leading us effortlessly to the gorge.

When we arrived we felt we had entered the land of the lost as we were surrounded by huge boulders on both sides with wooden bridges and ladders leading us around the gorge.  We were so glad we found it as it was a remarkable place and yes it would have been a very easy hike.

But then again we would have never found the water pools that we defiantly will come back to when the hot sun is demanding a cool down. Next time I will bring my 4 year old grandson and my daughter, they will love it!

Vulnerability 

When I write about my feelings and emotions I am told by my readers that it must be hard being so vulnerable or they appreciate my rawness and vulnerability.  When I hear this I feel like I am being a farce as when I write I don't feel I am being vulnerable at all.

I am vulnerable when I am silent, contemplating, crying, living and feeling the emotion.  There is no way I can articulate or write about my emotions and feelings when I am in the process of being vulnerable.

What you read when you read about my emotions put into words is my past.  When I can write about something, I am no longer triggered by the situation or the circumstances.  I have already dug myself out with the help of a few select friends, family and my counsellor.  Sometimes it takes years to articulate how and why I felt a certain way.  The people I lean on during these times and see me actually being vulnerable, can fit on one hand.

Inviting people into the pit with me is really hard.  At first I don't invite anyone in, the first thing I do is go silent. I have certain signs that show me I am going into the dark side but each time I don't listen to the signs till after I have gotten myself out.  It has taken me a long time to recognize I am on the dark side but now I am learning the signs.

Getting myself out is hard. I have to talk about my emotions all the time.  It is exhausting for me I can't even imagine how annoying it is for my support system.  I have to take my focus off of other people and devote my attention to myself.  I have to work reasonable amount of hours and not overwork.  Then talk about my emotions some more.

It isn't fun being the person I vent to as my mind spins in a million directions as I try and figure out what I am feeling.  This is the worst of me!  I save the worst of me for a very few select people whom I am closest to and feel safe with.

So how does someone receive this honour?  I guess it is people who have seen me at my worst in my past and are still there in my present.  People that I have lived with, or spent day in, day out with, the ones who have seen all sides of my personality already.  When I live with someone I can't hide those nasty bits of my personality, they see all of me....ALL!  That to me being vulnerable.

I hold myself together for the world and then regroup and vent when I am at home.  It is here in the spaces separate from the world that I am the worst of myself.  When I am vulnerable I feel like I am paper thin and the wrong word will send me spiralling.  I am fortunate that I have had really good supports when I feel paper thin as it prevents me from spiralling with strangers.  I have only done that a few times in my life and this causes extreme embarrassment and I wish those few times were nonexistent.

The dark side and vulnerable side of me is a big huge pit.  The other day Dominique, my daughter, said to me that when she was a teenager she dug herself a deep hole and all she did was invite other people in with her that helped her dig the pit even deeper.  (Sometimes I was that person.)  It is when we are in this pit that we are so extremely vulnerable and it is so important to invite people in that support us and help us out.

When I am supported I use writing as a means out  So what you are reading is my past vulnerability.  Usually I keep my writing to myself but with the writing group I joined with Ahava Shira, A Year to Love, I began to show my writing more publicly.  This helped me plus the response I received from my readers is it helps them to articulate their own feelings.  So I continue with this blog.  Thank-you for reading :)

Possiblities Within the Change

As I embrace the change in my life and try to feel the direction of my future, life goes on with its ups and downs.

I love the way things are right now ... in this moment.  I am really enjoying spending time with my family and friends.  I am appreciating the life style I have chosen because of its flexibility and my ability to focus on the people in my life that are significant to me.

I thought the change of not having a residence and putting all my things in storage would be difficult but this seldom even crosses my train of thought.  What I think about more is where I want to settle in the future and if I even want to have another relationship.

I have been drawn to the mainland due to my cousin and I am savouring every moment I have with her at the hospital. Along with that comes time with my aunts and uncles and cousins and life-long friends and their children that all live on the mainland. As I drive down roads that stimulate an old memory around every turn, I feel at home.  This always happens when I come to the mainland but even more so now as my stresses and expectations in life are at a minimum.

I feel guilty for the ease of my own life as I witness to ones I love getting on that hard road of grief, death and recovery.  It is such a hard journey and I pray for my Uncle and Aunt and Amy's brother daily.  I wish I could take away their pain but everyone takes their own route to heal their heart, there is no right way or wrong way.

As my own path now leads me to memory lane and my old haunts such as; White Rock Beach

and views of my life long touch stone, Mt. Baker

my thoughts go to the difference in my life of not having a partner.

It is a strange contrast for me not to have a partner but presently I feel the benefits of this not the disadvantages.  I can put complete focus on my friends and family and I am not pulled in the direction of a partners social circle.  Part of my family is also Robin's family and his mother is not very healthy and I have the flexibility right now to redirect myself to Australia if she takes a turn for the worst.  As Robin was an only child his family consists of a mother and step father in Australia a step mother in Vancouver.  I feel so lucky to have them a part of my life, along with my friends and family and I don't want another partner who pulls me in an opposing direction.

Relationships take work, all kinds of relationships not just partnerships.  At this point in my life I only want to devote my energy to the relationships I already have, I feel no pull, or see no space, to redirect any of my energy into any kind of new relationship.  It  is interesting, as the relationships I developed while walking the Camino were new but they felt like old friends coming together.  I guess that is the only way I will include new friends, they must feel like they have always been a part of my world.

When I am on the mainland I feel like this is the place I will end up and then I come back to the Island and go on another adventure and feel this is the place for me.  I guess only time will tell.  For now I am really enjoying my decision to be a gypsy.  But with that comes people opening their homes to me.  For this I am so thankful and extremely grateful!

I was welcomed by my niece, Sophie with this wonderful note on my pillow.

This is a photo of the breakfast my niece, Rylee, made for me on my arrival, how can I not feel completely at home?