I Can See Clearly Now

Grief had a strange way of making everything in my life seem blurry. It numbed all the senses making me feel like I had no focus of where I was and where I was headed.

Growing up I always had 20/20 vision but after Robin died my sight got fuzzier and fuzzier. I told myself, with hope, that when I started to see my future again my eyes would get better. Some people said "that makes sense", others said, "you're just old ... you need glasses."

Another thing about grief is that it is slow and arduous. There is never just one loss, there are many. When I lost my husband, one of the most significant people in my life, I thought I only had to grieve loosing him. But the list of losses felt perpetual. At first the looses became apparent daily.

To grieve it I had to identify the loss so I could grieve and then adapt. The losses became fewer and further between but they would inevitably show up.

The process went something like this: 

 - I had to feel the reality of my current life. I would get triggered. An example of one such trigger was when someone celebrated their anniversary, I would feel envy or jealousy. The loss was that I would never be married for 50 years.

 - Next I had to come to terms with what I wanted but would never have. I had to come to terms with my new reality.

- Then I had to give myself time and space to let the emotion out.

 - Finally I could live fully in my new reality.

 - I can test to see that I have moved forward through this loss by my emotions. I know I have succeeded as I now feel sincere joy and excitement for someone when they celebrate an anniversary. 

This is just one thing I had to grieve. The list of triggers that revealed themselves one after the other as holes in my heart is lengthy. But I gave myself space, I sacrificed 3 years of my life to do nothing but go through this process. Not many people have this opportunity or give themselves permission to be first priority in their own lives. I feel very blessed for this opportunity because I know if it wasn't for the extensive support in my life I could not have done this.

 I made decisions and adjustments to see if my future would come into focus. I knew I wasn't meant to live on Salt Spring so I moved to Victoria....honestly I loved it!! It is a beautiful city and my daughter and grandson live here. I was happy...I just never felt connected like this was where I am supposed to settle.

 When I say settle...I mean a home base...a place to come back to between my adventures.

 As things came up, each and every time I felt a pull to the mainland, close to the town where I was raised. Close to my wonderful life long friends and amazing extended family. Finally I made the decision to move back to the mainland and things fell into place.

 I got a job with an old friend running the office at his First Aid company. Another old friend made a room in her home perfectly cozy for me to move into. I felt an ease but even more importantly a release. It felt so right.

 But driving in the city was dangerous! My eyes didn't magically repair themselves when my future became clear. So my friend took me to get some prescription glasses. In 5 days I had my glasses and I was amazed, astonished, overwhelmed and over the top excited. I could not believe how beautiful this world was and how crisp and clear all the sites in front of my eyes were.

Living through the blur of the past few years I feel like my life has finally come into focus and I love where it is going. I have no idea what adventures will fill my days but I look forward to seeing how things develop.

 As Valentine's Day approaches I don't feel the sadness and loss of my husband but the appreciation and thankfulness that he blessed my life.

 This is my last blog in Embracing the Void...Widows Words. The void has been filled.

 I thought I needed to embrace the change but what I needed to do was fill it with love. I will forever feel the never ending love that Robin had for me. I feel the love of my friends and family. I feel the love in nature and all the amazing creations of this world. This world is so beautiful, even if I need glasses to see it...I am so thankful.

 I know some of my friends and family are in ... or are entering ... that blurry world of grief. Some through a death of someone in their life, some through divorce and others through change. I hope that in some way my words that I have written about going through this process can give them hope that their own future will again come into focus.

 This Valentines Day I hope that each one of you finds love whether it is in someone's arms or a walk on the beach marvelling at Gods creations. Love to All❤️❤️❤️

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions

I love this time of year...New Years.  It's a time for fresh starts, new beginnings and planning.....oh I love planning.  It's a time for reflection of my past year and sending out wishes for the year ahead.  I love the idea of starting the year with a blank canvas and turning it into a vision of possibilities. Waking up January 1st to a cover of white snow felt appropriately metaphorical.



Upon reflection and thinking back on 2016, I see how far I have come and how much difference one year made in my life. I have taken huge steps forward into becoming the woman I am today and I hope to take huge leaps into the woman I want to be next year at this same time.


So what do I want for this woman when the calendar changes to 2018.  I have a whole year of time and space to create a life for this woman.


What do I want her life to look like?


~ I want her to be happy!
~ I want her to be healthy and be able to use her body to bring fulfillment.
~ I want her to have expanded her mind and to have learned through the known and unknown lessons that life throws at her in 2017.
~ I want her to feel a peace within herself so that even on the hardest days she can feel calm and centred.
~ I want her to know herself better on the first of January 2018 than she did on January 1st 2017.
~ I want her to be confident and prepared as she moves into her future.
~ I want her to build strong and healthy relationships with the people she loves.


Being that this is what I want for her, what steps (New Years Resolutions) can I take in the coming days, weeks and months to help create this life for her?


~ I will encourage her daily to eat healthy and nutritious food and do some exercise.  This will help her body be healthy.


~ Since it is Canada's 150th anniversary and all the Parks have free admission I can help her plan and go on fun outings to National Parks with her daughters, grandson, nieces, nephews, friends and family.  This will build her relationships; keep her fit and get to know Canada.  Plus being in nature has the ability to make her feel peaceful and calm.


~ I will suggest she takes correspondence classes so she can reach her future goal of getting a degree.  This will help expand her mind and move confidentially into her future.


~ I will help her research book publishing and learn the steps to achieve her goal of getting her book published.  This will expand her mind and expand her skills as she embarks on the total unknown of book publishing.


~ I will keep going on Whatsap, enjoying her conversation as she talks to her friend Petra from Switzerland and listen as they plan doing the Tour de Mont Blanc mainly so they can see each other again.  I will download and play lessons on learning German to help prepare for this journey. This will keep her healthy, deepen her friendship, expand her mind and help her go confidently into her future.


~ I will encourage her to take long walks and hikes to prepare to walk the Tour de Mont Blanc.  This will keep her healthy and help her move confidently and prepared into her future.


~ I will give her permission to do absolutely nothing, to be alone and strive for nothing giving her space to regroup and recharge her batteries.  In these moments it teaches her that she can find peace anytime and anywhere.


~ I will make sure she sleeps well so she can come to work prepared, with energy and enthusiasm to work hard and be the best employee or entrepreneur that she can be.  This will give her hope and confidence in her future.


~ I will think twice before I suggest things for her to spend her money on and help her keep her expenses low for when she is going through a hard day it is easier for her to feel calm when there is a bit of money in the bank.  This will help her feel calm and centred.


~ I will support her to keep writing and sharing her blog as writing and sharing helps her get to know herself better.  Plus I will encourage her to keep putting up pictures of new places on her Instagram as it gives her a little push to do things instead of sit at home watching tv.


~ I will keep dreaming with her about going to Norway in two years.  I will continue to go on Pinterest and show her different things we can do when we (her and I) get there, such as: St. Olav's Way and a picture on the bolder in the sky, or surfing in Lofoten.


Her reason for travelling to Norway is to help her get to know and understand her Norwegian heritage.  She wants to volunteer in the house that her grandpa was raised which is now a museum.   When she is there she wants to learn Norwegian weaving and spinning and the language.


For the next two years I will help her get to know and understand Canada the country she calls home, BC the province she loves, Langley the town where she was raised and Vancouver the place she was born.


I will order traditional weaving kits that help her learn traditional weaving.  I will connect her with people to learn the Coast Salish language and learn words that originated from this area.  I will submit the application for volunteering at the Langley Centennial Museum and I will remind her to go to the BC archives in Victoria and talk to her cousin about her history.  This will help her understand and get to know the person she was born to be.


I think that sounds like a pretty good year don't you?  I write this list here so that hopefully it will help me be more accountable to her.  If I can help her even do half the things on this list I think she will really enjoy 2017.


Sent from my iPad

A Decorated Christmas Tree

The Christmas Season has this way of bringing out extreme in emotions.  The festivities bring us together to celebrate and embrace the special relationships in our lives.  We ponder over what to buy or make for the ones we love hoping the present will bring joy.  We make menus, plan parties, and decorate our homes to bring light to the dark days.  We embrace our beliefs, our families and the food....oh the food.

But then there is the other side.

The loss.

The loss feels so much more intense as the absence of the ones we love feels so much more evident this time of year.  For me the physical void from their absences feels replicated in my body.  There seems to be holes in my heart.  I hate this feeling, I like it much better when my heart is overflowing with love.  The void I feel .... feels like I am not myself and I begin to wonder if I will ever return.

Christmas goes on and the activities continue.  Each outing reminds me of old times or we get excited about creating new holiday traditions.  I am reminded why I love this time of year.

Decorating the Christmas tree with my grandson I got a short glimpse of myself in the reflection on one of the Christmas ornaments.  It was just brief but I saw myself.  I was so happy in this moment I was sharing with my grandson .... I will treasure this memory forever.  I love being his Grandma and the overwhelming love I feel for this extra special soul, he makes me feel like I have a purpose as I walk on this earth.

In that brief second I got a glimpse of my true essence.  Pure love with no strings attached.  I loved him, I loved my life, I loved myself.

Bliss ended as he began to take all the ornaments off the tree and began to act like a typical 4 year old.

There have been other people that have given me glimpses of myself, people who awoke parts of me and made me feel more alive.  Some of these wonderful souls are no longer a part of my life.  I miss them and I miss those glimpses of me that they awoke.  I fear sometimes I will never see those parts of myself without them being in my life.

But what if?

What if each glimpse is just another part of myself and welcoming new people in my life will give me new and different reflections of my true essence.

Maybe when I am older I will see myself as a beautifully decorated Christmas tree full of many different ornaments each unique and ornate mirroring back a distinct part of who I am and who I was.

It is thoughts like this and the support that is given to me from so many amazing people that gives me a hope for the New Year ahead.

Thank-you to everyone who reads my words and supports me through my life journey!!  I feel blessed for the people who are in my life now and who have graced my life in my past.  Each one a beautiful ornament on my tree of life.

Thank-you....thank-you....thank-you!

Merry Christmas to all and a Happy New Year!!!

WORDS

In the beginning was the word....

I love words...written words, spoken words, stories, songs, poems, words that entertain and words that educate.  Some words feel loving and some words hurt but in the end they are all just plain words.

My friend asked me a question awhile ago, "Robin should have been a linesman, they make good money and he wasn't scared of heights".  Instantly her words stabbed me in my heart.  I felt my body stiffen and a flood of anxiety fill each cell.  The words triggered me, I dwelled on her words all week.  You are probably wondering why...right?

This is where my brain went with that question.  I should have supported Robin and assisted him in getting better training for a better job, it was my fault Robin was doing the job where he worked, I recommended him for this job, I got Robin killed for getting him that job, I am a horrible wife.

This is where my brain went but fortunately it wasn't where I stayed.  These were just words circling in my head.  I had the power to change those words.  As I struggled with my emotions clarity came and I was able to say....It wasn't my fault Robin died.  It wasn't my fault Robin accidentally drank cutting fluid.  It wasn't my fault he didn't go to the doctor and it wasn't my fault the negligence and lies that surrounded him resulted in his death.

If my friend wouldn't have asked the question and if I didn't choose to sit with these feelings and figure out why her words triggered me, I would never have had the growth and understanding of the wound that was there and how to heal.  I am thankful for her question....her words helped release my pain, promoted healing and helped me move forward into the direction I needed to go.

So that leads me to why I write.  Why do I tell you the reader about my journey and about how I feel?

My writing is my exploration into myself.  As I learn about myself I am hoping you too will learn about yourself.  I am NOT writing for you to learn about me but for you to learn about yourself.  My wish is that when my words trigger you, you also will take the time to sit with these emotions and grow in your own life.  I am not writing 'to' anyone but to myself.

My sharing has enhanced my life ... women of all ages approach me with how my words have motivated them to explore their own stories.  Sometimes we feel like we are alone in our struggles and my wish is for women to feel that we are all in this together.  Sharing my triumphs and tribulations has improved the connections I have in my life.  It has helped deepen my connections with the women that cross my path as they feel comfortable to tell me about their own pains.  These meetings motivate me to write even more and dig deeper into who I am and why I do the things I do.

My process to the page is lengthy so when you read what I have written you aren't reading about who I am but who I was.  The person I write about is indeed me but who  I was a month, a year or sometimes even ten years ago.

There are a few people in my life who know the person moving through the process of discovery and most live in my home town, Langley.  These people are 'my' people because they have witnessed my life journey from its beginnings.  I perpetually feel the pull back to this place whenever I struggle.  Langley is the place where I can just be.  It is here that I sit with no words, only feelings.  These are the people that don't need me to be anything but me.

It is here ... in this place ... with these people ... that I start to feel.  It takes me awhile to put into words my emotions and feelings. As I begin to articulate my process I bounce my thoughts off of these core people and a few new girlfriends from Salt Spring.

I have been struggling and grappling with where I belong in this world in the past few years.  I have fully enjoyed this process, taking on the task full force.  Living as a gypsy for the past 6 months has given me the wonderful opportunity to feel....feel where I belong and where I feel safe.  I have had a phenomenal time exploring Vancouver Island and discovering Victoria, this island alone could be a life long quest of discovery. This time has given me the space to figure out what location I want as the bouncing off platform for the adventures I have planned for the rest of my life.

My future at this point is just thoughts of what I wish for.  When I write these wishes down into words they become goals for my future.  I can see myself weaving, spinning, writing, sailing, traveling, exploring this world, and connecting with my friends and family.  I know there will be changes and shifts in my circumstances and I look forward to embracing these changes and learning the lessons these unknown events will teach me.

I want to be in a place that gives me the confidence to embrace the next phase of my life with strength in my step. I feel a peace as I come to the decision as to where I want to take up residence. That trampoline...that place where I feel I will begin my new adventures in life is Langley.  So I will head back, in faith, to the place everything started so I can begin again.

Becoming the Authentic ME

Being me is sometimes hard to be.  

It is easier to be what other people want or need me to be than to just simply be myself.  I realize in the past I have done myself, and the people with whom I relate, a disservice.

I had a huge aha moment this week.  There are a handful of people in my life that I have a very strong connection. I know the connection is solid but I always pose the question to myself as to why ... so that I can strengthen my other relationships to this point.

My friends son is now a student at UVic so Cindy will be making bi-monthly trips to see him and visit me.  We took him to lunch at Tacofino on Fort Street,  after which Cindy stocked him with the bare necessities for university and then we headed out to explore Victoria.

Feeling the tour guide we walked Ogden Breakwater, Dallas Road, then ventured to the city hitting the Legislature Building, the Waterfront, Government Street and China town.  I am excited about showing Cindy a different area each visit.

With all this walking it gave us lots of time for talking and analyzing why we do the things we do in life and in relationships.  Ever since I read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman I have been learning more about how I feel love and the topic pops into every conversation.

There are 5 different ways we feel or show love, they are through: acts of service, physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, and quality time.

I learned of these while Robin was still alive.  

My friend Michele hosted a relationship workshop at her home where we worked through a series of dvd's, with a few other couples.  Robin was working up North so I participated and then told him all about it.  

We learned that the way someone shows love is usually the way they feel loved.

I am not a gift person in the least.  I feel gifts are a waste of money and never what I really wanted but Robin brought home little gifts all the time.  This evidence showed me that this was Robin's love language.  Putting into practice what I learned I purchased Robin a little bird feeder for when he returned from camp.  Well ... he was so ecstatic you would have thought I cured cancer.  

Previously I would have never gifted him this little gift as I would rationalize that if he really wanted something so simple he could go buy it himself.  But to someone whose love language is gifts it makes them feel as though you were thinking about them when you are not with them.

After that I made sure to buy Robin little gifts so that he could feel the love I had for him.  

I learned that my love language is quality time.  I connect to people and feel their love when I spend time and create memories with them.  I then communicated this to Robin.

When Robin came home from work we would go camping down logging roads in the middle of the woods so that he could shoot and shoot to his hearts content.  On one such trip we were all settled in and Robin was doing his target shooting.  After a few shots he looked at me and said, "See we're spending quality time together."  I laughed saying, "Robin it has to be something that I like doing."  He didn't quite get it.  But we had many 'quality time' moments together and I definitely felt his love before he died.

As Cindy and I walked and explored the city we discussed our love languages and the people we have connected to at different times of our lives.  

After the crisis of Robin's death I could only spend time with certain people.  I think I drove my Langley/life guarding friends crazy as I went there so much after my husband passed away.  I felt safe and secure and happy when I was there.  I was mystified as to why this place Langley was where I felt I needed to be.  

When I was young all I wanted to do was get away from this place.  Now as an adult it is the only place I wanted to be.  

Then my aha moment.  

I had spent oodles and oodles of quality time with these people in my life.  What made it quality time was I did things I loved with them.  We worked together, spent time around water, ventured out into the world; hiking, camping, partying as we become adults.  

When returning to visit, our time was spent reminiscing plus creating new memories.  I have spent extensive quality time with these old friends which resulted in lots of stories to tell and laugh about.  With each story I remembered the love I felt from this quality time and in return it overfilled my cup when I return.

The other aha moment.

When I spend time with them now and in the past I was authentically me.  I wasn't being anything but myself and I wasn't pretending to be someone else to make them happy.  Since they have spent so much time with me they have seen all my sides; the good, the bad and the ugly.  They accepted me in the past and I didn't have to test them to see if they would accept the crappy parts of me.  I didn't need to pretend to be anything other than myself for them, I could just be annoying old me.

I realized that the people I wasn't spending time with fell into two categories. 

1. People with whom I had become friends with since I got married.  I hadn't spent as much quality time with some friends such as the ones I met on Salt Spring.  I have had fantastic times with these amazing people but it wasn't as much as with the friends from my youth that I have maintained relationships with after all these years.  Plus these friends only knew me as Robin's wife and I longed to be around people that knew me separate from him.
2. People with whom I had not shown my authentic self to in the past.

So how was I being un-authentic?  

When people were speaking their love language to me I would receive it but not really want or appreciate what they; gave or said or did for me.

Here is a ridiculous example of me being un-authentic.

Friend:  I bought this pair of yellow polka dot and lime green pants for you yesterday.  

Me:        No, no, you shouldn't have!

Friend:  When I saw them I thought of you.

Me:        Why thank-you I really appreciate them.

Later in the week.

Friend:  Have you worn the pants I gave you?

Me:        They are amazing, I have received so many compliments, thank-you.

In my head.  Seriously that is the most ridiculous present EVER.  What on earth was she thinking.  Now I have to go to the effort to get rid of them.  What a waste.  As if anyone would compliment me on those awful pants.

It was easier to take a gift from someone and say how thankful I was for it, then to disappoint the person and say, "Actually that is not something I would like."  I would rather make them feel good and me bad.

After I learned about the love languages, when Robin would bring me home a gift I would say, "You know this doesn't make me feel loved, it feels like a waste of money.  Remember if you want to make me feel the love you have for me than play a card game with me or go for a drive.  These flowers are not for me but for you."  

Because I learned how I ticked I could communicate what I needed and give him what he needed as a result being more authentic.  I was not scared how Robin would react to me communicating my needs.  I was not worried of it resulting in a heated discussion as I knew the discussion would strengthen the relationship.  I did not walk on egg shells in the relationship and neither did he.  

For some people there is a fear of their reaction or there is no desire on my part to strengthen the relationship.

When someone would go out of their way to do something for me but it was more work for me as a result; instead of saying no, I let the person feel they had improved my life from their presence and not communicate that the interaction depleted my energy.  

I have had people do things for me and when they did them I said again and again how much I appreciated their efforts so that they would feel good but I actually felt worse from their service.  They left with the feeling that they had done so much for me and enriched my life because I was not communicating my needs to them properly.

These people I was not authentic around and when I was faced with a crisis I couldn't do the fake stuff to make them feel good anymore.    

In the end there are people that don't want a relationship as I made myself out to be someone that I wan't.

So what have I learned? 

• The less people I try and please the more authentic I am, making it easier to be me.

• Everyone is responsible for their own happiness, I am not responsible to make others happy.

• When I do something for someone else I want the action to be just as much for me as it is for them and visa versa.  The last thing I want is for someone to extend themselves to me beyond their own capacity.  I don't want it to feel like a chore for someone to have a relationship with me.

• I will be more honest in my relationships and no 'thank-you' is a word that I will embrace when needed.

****************

Walking and talking and listening feeds my soul, plus it is the ultimate in quality time for me.  I love my memories of walking around Vancouver.  

I will now be staying in Victoria; except for a few visits to Seattle, Oregon and Las Vegas so if you want to come and walk around the city with me I would love it!  My days off are Monday - Thursday.  

If it would also feed your soul, please join me!

To Date or Not to Date?

I have been getting these questions a lot lately:

Have you met anyone? or

Are you dating?  or

Do you want someone new in your life?

The answers are no... NO... and ... I don't know.

When my husband first died I felt very out of balance.  I have been in relationships since I was 15 years old and I really love having a partner in my life. I loved being a wife!!  So being on my own made me feel out of balance.

I am getting used to being single but there are still times I miss having a partner as I miss loving someone.  Also I love just relaxing and watching tv with a significant other whom I feel totally comfortable with and not talk...just be.  Strangely enough, I even miss arguing, as there is nothing better than a good argument.

My daughter thought the answer to all my problems was for me to get a boyfriend, so for my birthday she made me a POF account, one of those dating sites.  It was so strange!!!!  I chatted back and forth a few times and quickly tired of this method of meeting people.  The thought of then meeting and dating someone, anyone, repulsed me.  I did a lot of dating when I was young and I have no desire to do that again.  I have been there and done that.

As I have put all my things in storage and have no permanent residence I feel....this factor eliminates any possibility of myself meeting someone as it really isn't a selling point to say I am homeless.  Any sane person would turn the other way in fear of me wanting to move in.  Of course I would not do this but I think I would only attract very strange people who would date someone who was homeless.  I certainly wouldn't choose to have anyone in my life if they said they didn't have a home.

As a result of choosing my current lifestyle I have no choice but to be here alone until I figure out what I am doing and where I am going and try and focus on the positive things about being single.


With every decision I make there is always lists; lists of the good and the bad; and the pros and the cons. But first and foremost beyond lists comes that internal guide, my feelings and emotions, that I know will give me the answer of what direction to choose.  For now, I am patient and enjoy the waiting before the knowing.


My future is undetermined but right now .... in this moment .... I write....here are a couple of my lists.

Top 10-things I hate about being single

1. I have to work harder at self improvement.
                                                                 
I have no one that acts as my sandpaper, exposing my short comings.  If I want to improve myself I have to look hard, that is not easy.  Since I don't have to live with someone it is easy to adjust to someone else's life style for a few days when I visit then return to my distorted reality of perfection.

2. No one to make goals and plan and dreams with.
                                                                 
I love making plans and setting goals and dreaming about my possible future.  I especially love doing this with a significant other who wants to participate with me in exciting adventures.  I do that with my friends a bit now but it is completely different with a partner.

3. I am an "I" not a "we".
                                                                                                    
It feels so strange for me to say I, as it feels so egocentric.  I like being a "we".  I loved being a wife and feeling like whatever I did I had a partner in crime.

4. I am fearful of growing old alone.
                                                                                 
I absolutely love the thought of growing old with someone. It feels so sweet.  I love seeing older couples together.  I now feel jealous as it is something I always wanted and how I pictured my life.  I don't want to grow old alone.

5. I have no one to blame anything on, I have to take responsibility for my actions.
 
I used to say that the reason I got married was so I had someone to blame everything thing on.  Being single sucks as I have to be completely responsible for myself.

6. No incentive to make myself look pretty. 
                                                                     
I know I should make myself pretty for myself but I personally feel comfortable the way I am.  Shaving my legs just feels like a complete waste of time.  I do miss getting dressed up and looking pretty every once and awhile for someone else.

7. No one to hold me when I am sad. 
                                                                               
I am not one for hugs.  My husband used to call me an incu-baby because I was put in an incubator when I was a baby and he contributed this to me not liking to be touched.  So the thought of someone holding me when I am sad other than a partner feels completely yucky.  I never thought I would ever say this but I miss being held.

8. No one to argue with and vent to when I have had a bad day.
                              
Partners always get the raw end of the deal as they get the bad end of every sucky day.  Sometimes the only thing that makes life feel better is a good argument.  I miss this.

9. Having a man on your side still makes a huge difference in life.
                             
A lot of men still respect another man more than a woman.  I feel like a push over when I don't stand up for myself and a bitch when I don't let men walk over me.  With my husband on my side it felt like all it took was a hand shake and things were going in the right direction.

10. Feels weird doing things with couple friends.
                                                            
It now feels strange to do things alone, with friends we did couple things with.  Luckily we didn't have too many couple friends and most of my friends have stayed the same.  But being around couples does feel strange.

Top 10 - things I love about being single

1. I don't have to compromise 
                                                                                           
I can choose to do exactly want I want and not concern myself with what someone else wants.  My free time is 100% my choice.  This is beyond wonderful as I tend to do more compromising in a relationship as I am easy going.

2. Do what I want when I want it 
                                                                             
Beyond work my schedule is my own.  I don't have to work around a significant others work or fun schedule.   I am never in a rush to stick to someone else's schedule or plans that I didn't fit into my own schedule.

3. All my money goes where I choose to spend it 
                                                           
I love having my own money and not sharing with someone else.  If I am low on funds it is because the funds went to me and no one else.  My husband was expensive with all his various expenses so I supplemented him with my income.  But not any more and not ever again.

4. I am perfect, as there is no one to point out my deficiencies
                                    
I feels nice not having someone notice when I leave my clothes on the floor or my papers all around or when I sleep in unwitnessed.  My flaws are hidden from the world.

5. When I put something somewhere it stays
                                                             
My things aren't being used by someone else or moved.  If I loose it, I loose it but most of the time things are exactly where I put them.

6. No need to shave my legs or worry about what I look like naked 
                           
My poor husband as I never have been a girly girl.  But for sure now there is no one to notice my granny underwear or my hairy legs. This is absolutely lovely!!

7. There is nothing holding me anywhere, my future is full of possibilities
                 
I have no limitations except for the ones I put on myself.  If I decide to travel to Norway or Australia or go to school or do more distance walks I can do it.  All I have to do is save my own money and make a goal and do it.

8. I don't have to take care of anyone but myself
                                                       
No meals, no laundry, no cleaning up after someone.  I am taking care of only myself.

9. The people I spend time with are my friends and family.
                               
Getting into a relationship means taking on another family and new friends.  I have been able to focus solely on my friends and family.  Robin's mom and step dad and step mom are now my family, some of his friends are now my friends but getting in a new relationship would double the social circle.  I don't want this so right now the amount of people in my life seems perfect.

10. I am finding my own strength without a man in my life. 
                                           
I never knew how much I depended on men for negotiations or standing up for me when there was a disagreement or fixing the car and taking out the garbage.  Doing these things on my own or paying someone to do it for me is very empowering.  I feel more capable then I ever have in my life.

**********

Being a gypsy has done exactly what I needed.  It has given me space to free myself from my "things", all those objects that hold memories and within each ... a trigger.  I now feel free to move on with my life, in which direction is the question.

As I write my lists, then read my lists, and live my life ... I am becoming more and more comfortable being single and feeling much more balanced being on my own. My goals are all achievable without a partner and that feels wonderful.  Whether or not I get into a relationship in my future, life feels good now and that is what is important!!!

I have an amazing friend base and wonderful family; not just blood family but people that have impacted my life so much they feel like family.  At this point I have no desire to increase the number of relationships that I have.

I know I made the right decision to put my things in storage as I have had the most memorable summer in a long time.  I will remember this summer for the rest of my life.  This time has given me space to breath a new life in with no responsibilities.  As I move forward I will be observant of the relationships and responsibilities I take on and how they will impact my life.

For now I am choosing to strengthen the relationships I already have.


So I guess I answered the question....no dating :)

Turning Off the GPS and Finding My Own Path

Lately I have been noticing that when I use Google Maps I don't pay attention to how I am getting to a location.  I depend on the voice in my phone to bring me to my destination and back.  I disregard signs, land marks or even the way I am going.

As I continue my nomadic lifestyle Google Maps has brought me on some interesting ventures in the last couple months.  I am trying to pack everything I can into summer and have been spending more time 'doing' than writing.  As I sit down to write I am reviewing what I have done as I go through my photos.  

I can't believe in the last 2 months all the places I have been: Starting off with Tofino then

Englishman River Falls

The Dark Side

 Royal Roads University, Elk Lake, Goldstrem Park, 

White Rock Beach

 Kinsol Trestles, Thetis Lake,  Fishermans Wharf, 

Goldenears Park

Goat on the Roof
Coombs Country Market

Grouse Grind, Woody's Lagoon, Mt. Doug, Willow Beach, Walks along Dallas Road and 

Beacon Hill Park

Cowichan lake and river,

Bald Mountain

Cascade Falls

Fort Langley  and then back to 

Tofino

If I had to pay rent or mortgage and manage a home there is no way I would have had time to do all these things.  I have felt very free to explore this amazing world we live in, going down roads with the help of my GPS that I have never gone down.

When I was leaving Cascade Falls my phone died and I had to find my way back without the use of GPS.  Nothing looked familiar as I hadn't been paying attention to my path or even noticing landmarks.  We found our way back with a few u-turns but I made the decision not to depend so much on my GPS.

This month also consisted of going to my cousins funeral, a family gathering, and a friends wedding; giving my emotions the opportunity to travel wanted and unwanted paths.  Through feeling these strong emotions I am reminded that my emotions are my guide through this process of discovering myself and the future I desire. 

My emotions will help answer the questions I need answered and release my past.

I have set myself on the nomadic path for a few different reasons:

1. As I visit different places I want to feel what place feels like home.
2. I want a fresh slate and not be in a place surrounded by triggers.  
3. I want to free myself to experience life and new adventures.

I have been successful in number #2 & #3, only 2 months in I am feeling like I have had a fresh start and creating a platform to jump into the next phase of my life without the emotional weight of the loss of my husband holding me back.  

As you can see by my list of places I have visited confirms lots of new adventures. Not having a home doesn't just motivate me to do new things; I have absolutely no choice but to get out there and just DO.

#1 is the hard one!

Figuring out where I want to live is getting more and more confusing.  

When I am in Langley with my family and life long friends I feel the warm comfortable blanket of nostalgia pull me in and I can't imagine myself anywhere else.

Then I spend some time in Victoria exploring with my daughter and grandson and see the possibilities of new adventures in their eyes.  I want to be closer so I can have front row seats watching their lives unfold.

Oh ... but then I go to Tofino.  It is such a magical place for me.  Being by the ocean and in the ocean, living a laid back, easy going life-style, embraced by the elements seems like a dream come true.

I haven't even visited Vancouver yet, another city that pulls at my heart strings.

My emotions are guiding me in multiple directions, my hope is that they will assist me in making up my mind soon.  I have to listen to that internal guide, that shows me the way to my future, through my feelings.  

I am still careful of the people I include in my life as some people try to pull me away from my own internal guidance system and control what I do as they feel they have the answers for my life.  Who knows I may come out with the same outcome they want but I would never know that unless I follow my own heart.

I guess it is something like the GPS.  I had to stop using it so I could see where I was going and not listen to the machine, oblivious of my surroundings and not watching for the signs.  

It is easy to listen to what others say to do but then I would not be on my own path, I would instead be filling their needs and desires putting myself last. In the end I would be resentful of them if I don't listen to myself.  

I am fortunate to have the space and the time for lots of calm, it is instantly apparent when something is overwhelming or not the direction I want to go. Strangely enough my emotions are not pulling me back to Salt Spring.  I thought for sure I would want to go back but I am not feeling it.  I have wonderful friends and fantastic memories but I don't feel like I will ever be moving back to the place I called home for 17 years.  My wise mother has said, "Never say never".

Even though I don't know where I will end up, I definitely am enjoying the path of a nomad.  So when I no longer feel the fun I will settle down....somewhere.