I Can See Clearly Now

Grief had a strange way of making everything in my life seem blurry. It numbed all the senses making me feel like I had no focus of where I was and where I was headed.

Growing up I always had 20/20 vision but after Robin died my sight got fuzzier and fuzzier. I told myself, with hope, that when I started to see my future again my eyes would get better. Some people said "that makes sense", others said, "you're just old ... you need glasses."

Another thing about grief is that it is slow and arduous. There is never just one loss, there are many. When I lost my husband, one of the most significant people in my life, I thought I only had to grieve loosing him. But the list of losses felt perpetual. At first the looses became apparent daily.

To grieve it I had to identify the loss so I could grieve and then adapt. The losses became fewer and further between but they would inevitably show up.

The process went something like this: 

 - I had to feel the reality of my current life. I would get triggered. An example of one such trigger was when someone celebrated their anniversary, I would feel envy or jealousy. The loss was that I would never be married for 50 years.

 - Next I had to come to terms with what I wanted but would never have. I had to come to terms with my new reality.

- Then I had to give myself time and space to let the emotion out.

 - Finally I could live fully in my new reality.

 - I can test to see that I have moved forward through this loss by my emotions. I know I have succeeded as I now feel sincere joy and excitement for someone when they celebrate an anniversary. 

This is just one thing I had to grieve. The list of triggers that revealed themselves one after the other as holes in my heart is lengthy. But I gave myself space, I sacrificed 3 years of my life to do nothing but go through this process. Not many people have this opportunity or give themselves permission to be first priority in their own lives. I feel very blessed for this opportunity because I know if it wasn't for the extensive support in my life I could not have done this.

 I made decisions and adjustments to see if my future would come into focus. I knew I wasn't meant to live on Salt Spring so I moved to Victoria....honestly I loved it!! It is a beautiful city and my daughter and grandson live here. I was happy...I just never felt connected like this was where I am supposed to settle.

 When I say settle...I mean a home base...a place to come back to between my adventures.

 As things came up, each and every time I felt a pull to the mainland, close to the town where I was raised. Close to my wonderful life long friends and amazing extended family. Finally I made the decision to move back to the mainland and things fell into place.

 I got a job with an old friend running the office at his First Aid company. Another old friend made a room in her home perfectly cozy for me to move into. I felt an ease but even more importantly a release. It felt so right.

 But driving in the city was dangerous! My eyes didn't magically repair themselves when my future became clear. So my friend took me to get some prescription glasses. In 5 days I had my glasses and I was amazed, astonished, overwhelmed and over the top excited. I could not believe how beautiful this world was and how crisp and clear all the sites in front of my eyes were.

Living through the blur of the past few years I feel like my life has finally come into focus and I love where it is going. I have no idea what adventures will fill my days but I look forward to seeing how things develop.

 As Valentine's Day approaches I don't feel the sadness and loss of my husband but the appreciation and thankfulness that he blessed my life.

 This is my last blog in Embracing the Void...Widows Words. The void has been filled.

 I thought I needed to embrace the change but what I needed to do was fill it with love. I will forever feel the never ending love that Robin had for me. I feel the love of my friends and family. I feel the love in nature and all the amazing creations of this world. This world is so beautiful, even if I need glasses to see it...I am so thankful.

 I know some of my friends and family are in ... or are entering ... that blurry world of grief. Some through a death of someone in their life, some through divorce and others through change. I hope that in some way my words that I have written about going through this process can give them hope that their own future will again come into focus.

 This Valentines Day I hope that each one of you finds love whether it is in someone's arms or a walk on the beach marvelling at Gods creations. Love to All❤️❤️❤️

New Years Resolutions

New Years Resolutions

I love this time of year...New Years.  It's a time for fresh starts, new beginnings and planning.....oh I love planning.  It's a time for reflection of my past year and sending out wishes for the year ahead.  I love the idea of starting the year with a blank canvas and turning it into a vision of possibilities. Waking up January 1st to a cover of white snow felt appropriately metaphorical.



Upon reflection and thinking back on 2016, I see how far I have come and how much difference one year made in my life. I have taken huge steps forward into becoming the woman I am today and I hope to take huge leaps into the woman I want to be next year at this same time.


So what do I want for this woman when the calendar changes to 2018.  I have a whole year of time and space to create a life for this woman.


What do I want her life to look like?


~ I want her to be happy!
~ I want her to be healthy and be able to use her body to bring fulfillment.
~ I want her to have expanded her mind and to have learned through the known and unknown lessons that life throws at her in 2017.
~ I want her to feel a peace within herself so that even on the hardest days she can feel calm and centred.
~ I want her to know herself better on the first of January 2018 than she did on January 1st 2017.
~ I want her to be confident and prepared as she moves into her future.
~ I want her to build strong and healthy relationships with the people she loves.


Being that this is what I want for her, what steps (New Years Resolutions) can I take in the coming days, weeks and months to help create this life for her?


~ I will encourage her daily to eat healthy and nutritious food and do some exercise.  This will help her body be healthy.


~ Since it is Canada's 150th anniversary and all the Parks have free admission I can help her plan and go on fun outings to National Parks with her daughters, grandson, nieces, nephews, friends and family.  This will build her relationships; keep her fit and get to know Canada.  Plus being in nature has the ability to make her feel peaceful and calm.


~ I will suggest she takes correspondence classes so she can reach her future goal of getting a degree.  This will help expand her mind and move confidentially into her future.


~ I will help her research book publishing and learn the steps to achieve her goal of getting her book published.  This will expand her mind and expand her skills as she embarks on the total unknown of book publishing.


~ I will keep going on Whatsap, enjoying her conversation as she talks to her friend Petra from Switzerland and listen as they plan doing the Tour de Mont Blanc mainly so they can see each other again.  I will download and play lessons on learning German to help prepare for this journey. This will keep her healthy, deepen her friendship, expand her mind and help her go confidently into her future.


~ I will encourage her to take long walks and hikes to prepare to walk the Tour de Mont Blanc.  This will keep her healthy and help her move confidently and prepared into her future.


~ I will give her permission to do absolutely nothing, to be alone and strive for nothing giving her space to regroup and recharge her batteries.  In these moments it teaches her that she can find peace anytime and anywhere.


~ I will make sure she sleeps well so she can come to work prepared, with energy and enthusiasm to work hard and be the best employee or entrepreneur that she can be.  This will give her hope and confidence in her future.


~ I will think twice before I suggest things for her to spend her money on and help her keep her expenses low for when she is going through a hard day it is easier for her to feel calm when there is a bit of money in the bank.  This will help her feel calm and centred.


~ I will support her to keep writing and sharing her blog as writing and sharing helps her get to know herself better.  Plus I will encourage her to keep putting up pictures of new places on her Instagram as it gives her a little push to do things instead of sit at home watching tv.


~ I will keep dreaming with her about going to Norway in two years.  I will continue to go on Pinterest and show her different things we can do when we (her and I) get there, such as: St. Olav's Way and a picture on the bolder in the sky, or surfing in Lofoten.


Her reason for travelling to Norway is to help her get to know and understand her Norwegian heritage.  She wants to volunteer in the house that her grandpa was raised which is now a museum.   When she is there she wants to learn Norwegian weaving and spinning and the language.


For the next two years I will help her get to know and understand Canada the country she calls home, BC the province she loves, Langley the town where she was raised and Vancouver the place she was born.


I will order traditional weaving kits that help her learn traditional weaving.  I will connect her with people to learn the Coast Salish language and learn words that originated from this area.  I will submit the application for volunteering at the Langley Centennial Museum and I will remind her to go to the BC archives in Victoria and talk to her cousin about her history.  This will help her understand and get to know the person she was born to be.


I think that sounds like a pretty good year don't you?  I write this list here so that hopefully it will help me be more accountable to her.  If I can help her even do half the things on this list I think she will really enjoy 2017.


Sent from my iPad