Have you met anyone? or
Are you dating? or
Do you want someone new in your life?
The answers are no... NO... and ... I don't know.
When my husband first died I felt very out of balance. I have been in relationships since I was 15 years old and I really love having a partner in my life. I loved being a wife!! So being on my own made me feel out of balance.
I am getting used to being single but there are still times I miss having a partner as I miss loving someone. Also I love just relaxing and watching tv with a significant other whom I feel totally comfortable with and not talk...just be. Strangely enough, I even miss arguing, as there is nothing better than a good argument.
My daughter thought the answer to all my problems was for me to get a boyfriend, so for my birthday she made me a POF account, one of those dating sites. It was so strange!!!! I chatted back and forth a few times and quickly tired of this method of meeting people. The thought of then meeting and dating someone, anyone, repulsed me. I did a lot of dating when I was young and I have no desire to do that again. I have been there and done that.
As I have put all my things in storage and have no permanent residence I feel....this factor eliminates any possibility of myself meeting someone as it really isn't a selling point to say I am homeless. Any sane person would turn the other way in fear of me wanting to move in. Of course I would not do this but I think I would only attract very strange people who would date someone who was homeless. I certainly wouldn't choose to have anyone in my life if they said they didn't have a home.
As a result of choosing my current lifestyle I have no choice but to be here alone until I figure out what I am doing and where I am going and try and focus on the positive things about being single.
With every decision I make there is always lists; lists of the good and the bad; and the pros and the cons. But first and foremost beyond lists comes that internal guide, my feelings and emotions, that I know will give me the answer of what direction to choose. For now, I am patient and enjoy the waiting before the knowing.
My future is undetermined but right now .... in this moment .... I write....here are a couple of my lists.
Top 10-things I hate about being single
1. I have to work harder at self improvement.
I have no one that acts as my sandpaper, exposing my short comings. If I want to improve myself I have to look hard, that is not easy. Since I don't have to live with someone it is easy to adjust to someone else's life style for a few days when I visit then return to my distorted reality of perfection.
2. No one to make goals and plan and dreams with.
I love making plans and setting goals and dreaming about my possible future. I especially love doing this with a significant other who wants to participate with me in exciting adventures. I do that with my friends a bit now but it is completely different with a partner.
3. I am an "I" not a "we".
It feels so strange for me to say I, as it feels so egocentric. I like being a "we". I loved being a wife and feeling like whatever I did I had a partner in crime.
4. I am fearful of growing old alone.
I absolutely love the thought of growing old with someone. It feels so sweet. I love seeing older couples together. I now feel jealous as it is something I always wanted and how I pictured my life. I don't want to grow old alone.
5. I have no one to blame anything on, I have to take responsibility for my actions.
I used to say that the reason I got married was so I had someone to blame everything thing on. Being single sucks as I have to be completely responsible for myself.
6. No incentive to make myself look pretty.
I know I should make myself pretty for myself but I personally feel comfortable the way I am. Shaving my legs just feels like a complete waste of time. I do miss getting dressed up and looking pretty every once and awhile for someone else.
7. No one to hold me when I am sad.
I am not one for hugs. My husband used to call me an incu-baby because I was put in an incubator when I was a baby and he contributed this to me not liking to be touched. So the thought of someone holding me when I am sad other than a partner feels completely yucky. I never thought I would ever say this but I miss being held.
8. No one to argue with and vent to when I have had a bad day.
Partners always get the raw end of the deal as they get the bad end of every sucky day. Sometimes the only thing that makes life feel better is a good argument. I miss this.
9. Having a man on your side still makes a huge difference in life.
A lot of men still respect another man more than a woman. I feel like a push over when I don't stand up for myself and a bitch when I don't let men walk over me. With my husband on my side it felt like all it took was a hand shake and things were going in the right direction.
10. Feels weird doing things with couple friends.
It now feels strange to do things alone, with friends we did couple things with. Luckily we didn't have too many couple friends and most of my friends have stayed the same. But being around couples does feel strange.
Top 10 - things I love about being single
1. I don't have to compromise
I can choose to do exactly want I want and not concern myself with what someone else wants. My free time is 100% my choice. This is beyond wonderful as I tend to do more compromising in a relationship as I am easy going.
2. Do what I want when I want it
Beyond work my schedule is my own. I don't have to work around a significant others work or fun schedule. I am never in a rush to stick to someone else's schedule or plans that I didn't fit into my own schedule.
3. All my money goes where I choose to spend it
I love having my own money and not sharing with someone else. If I am low on funds it is because the funds went to me and no one else. My husband was expensive with all his various expenses so I supplemented him with my income. But not any more and not ever again.
4. I am perfect, as there is no one to point out my deficiencies
I feels nice not having someone notice when I leave my clothes on the floor or my papers all around or when I sleep in unwitnessed. My flaws are hidden from the world.
5. When I put something somewhere it stays
My things aren't being used by someone else or moved. If I loose it, I loose it but most of the time things are exactly where I put them.
6. No need to shave my legs or worry about what I look like naked
My poor husband as I never have been a girly girl. But for sure now there is no one to notice my granny underwear or my hairy legs. This is absolutely lovely!!
7. There is nothing holding me anywhere, my future is full of possibilities
I have no limitations except for the ones I put on myself. If I decide to travel to Norway or Australia or go to school or do more distance walks I can do it. All I have to do is save my own money and make a goal and do it.
8. I don't have to take care of anyone but myself
No meals, no laundry, no cleaning up after someone. I am taking care of only myself.
9. The people I spend time with are my friends and family.
Getting into a relationship means taking on another family and new friends. I have been able to focus solely on my friends and family. Robin's mom and step dad and step mom are now my family, some of his friends are now my friends but getting in a new relationship would double the social circle. I don't want this so right now the amount of people in my life seems perfect.
10. I am finding my own strength without a man in my life.
I never knew how much I depended on men for negotiations or standing up for me when there was a disagreement or fixing the car and taking out the garbage. Doing these things on my own or paying someone to do it for me is very empowering. I feel more capable then I ever have in my life.
**********
Being a gypsy has done exactly what I needed. It has given me space to free myself from my "things", all those objects that hold memories and within each ... a trigger. I now feel free to move on with my life, in which direction is the question.
As I write my lists, then read my lists, and live my life ... I am becoming more and more comfortable being single and feeling much more balanced being on my own. My goals are all achievable without a partner and that feels wonderful. Whether or not I get into a relationship in my future, life feels good now and that is what is important!!!
I have an amazing friend base and wonderful family; not just blood family but people that have impacted my life so much they feel like family. At this point I have no desire to increase the number of relationships that I have.
I know I made the right decision to put my things in storage as I have had the most memorable summer in a long time. I will remember this summer for the rest of my life. This time has given me space to breath a new life in with no responsibilities. As I move forward I will be observant of the relationships and responsibilities I take on and how they will impact my life.
For now I am choosing to strengthen the relationships I already have.
So I guess I answered the question....no dating :)
