Moving Forward

Now that I have finished writing by book via my blog, of my journey through grief and recovery, I realize I am again grieving the loss of what was.  I have finished something and I have to move onto something different.  I am beginning to think we are on a continual process of loss, grief and recovery.  I call it change!

Since the loss of my husband I have had to deal with changes in my life, some good and others challenging, such as: finishing walking the Camino;  leaving friends behind that I saw so clearly as a part of my future; trying to find new employment that pays my bills and now the completion of writing about my journey through grief and recovery.  I think the smaller losses are sometimes more difficult to get over because we don't even recognize that there has been a loss.  It is harder for me to stop, regroup and take care of myself.  In the past I would have moved forward through these small losses and they would just piled up, one on top of each other, emotionally.  Then when I would fell apart I would wonder why I couldn't cope.  It wasn't just one thing that would get me to this point, it was an accumulation of many things that pushed me over the edge.

Giving ourselves time to step back, take a few breathes and at least recognize, that we just went over a speed bump, is not part of our culture.  We romance the people that bulldoze through the hardships in their lives, getting through the other side unscathed.  My generation was raised by parents whose motto was 'Keep Calm and Carry On'.  This saying has now had a resurgence in pop culture.  Are we wanting ourselves to stay walking through that fog of crisis in our lives, like there are no problems?  Funny thing is that zombies are everywhere in our current tv and movies selections as well.  What is that saying?

I would have loved to push through and carry on with my life after Robin died, but I couldn't.  I became a stranger to myself.  This has been such a peculiar time in my life.  As I had no other option but to stop and find my footing after Robin's death.  I have never felt so far from myself but at the same time so understanding and loving of myself.  I used to plow through things and not tell anyone what I was going through as I didn't even recognize myself, that I was struggling.  I feel fortunate for the people in my life who have stood by me, when the Charlene they were looking at wasn't the one they usually saw. I have never felt so strong and completely weak at exactly the same time.  I guess this is what vulnerability is.

I am thankful that there is also a complete phenomenon of change happening in our culture right now, with people like Brene Brown and her global talk on shame and vulnerability.  I think we are experiencing a shift and I am excited to see where it goes.

I am moving forward slowly each day, building a new future for myself.   I do hope that articulating my fears and sharing my tears helps people realize that we are all struggling.  I know each person who reads my words is going through their own hardships and triumphs.  It is my hopes that my words help people feel more connected and that you are not alone in this thing called life.