Where's The Prize

As I approach the 2 year anniversary of my husbands death I can feel that I have come through the tunnel of grief now on the other side, breathing in the fresh open air.  I feel back to myself, ready to embrace life.  I remember the days and months after Robin's death I wondered if I would ever get back to myself, but it is true, time is the greatest healer. As I come out of that tunnel I feel no reward for all the work I have done to get here, all I can see is another tunnel.

I am doing it.  I am embracing being alone.  I am embracing my life and loving it but I want more.  I want there to be some prize visible for doing all the work that I have done.  But as I get through one tunnel, my journey continues and there is just another tunnel, not as big as Robin's death but another life lesson.  I feel like this life thing never holds up and I have to keep going and going into the mystery of my future.  I don't feel like I am on a train track charging forward but instead a merry-go-round of perpetual change and I wonder if I am creating this.  Am I the problem or is this just what life is like for everyone? Is this completely normal?

I feel like I am in a perpetual process of change, just some things are more difficult to release than others.  I did it, I moved forward after my husband died and I got through that horrible process of grief.  I went on an 800 km pilgrimage to help me through this process and when I finished the Camino, I then had to grieve the Camino being over. This sounds so strange as it was such a positive experience but it never continued, it had to end.  Next I wrote and shared my process of grief, deepening my healing but when I finished writing about my journey, I had to grieve finishing this process as there was a void, a gap of time that was empty, that used to be full.

I am always hoping that at the next step there will be a reward, where the universe says, good for you, job well done, amazing emotional work.  Here is $10,000 pay all your bills and take it easy for awhile; or here is a trip to Thailand, go lay on the beach; I wonder why an amazing opportunity doesn't drop on my lap.  I don't even need a reward, how about just a glimpse of what my future will look like. Come on something!  But nothing, my future is such a mystery.  That is what the next tunnel looks like....mystery.

I just finished watching "The Martian" with Matt Damen, a Ridley Scott film, it is a good movie, I thoroughly enjoyed it!

In the movie the main character is left alone on Mars and he is a sole person on a whole planet, cleverly using all his resources to his advantage.  I do love astronaut movies as these individuals all have an amazing ability to assess the situation they are faced with, logically evaluate, pool their resources and move forward.  Yes they are also supported with the most amazing brains this world has to offer but they don't get emotional stuck.

As I embrace my life ahead...alone, sometimes I feel like I am on a planet of my own, exploring and navigating a new world.

I say that I am alone, but really, how alone am I?

I am not really alone, I just don't have a partner.  It feels strange to encounter decisions and obstacles in my life without a partner to discuss them with.  Yes, I have friends and family to discuss my decisions with but it is different as my decisions do not effect them like they would a partner.  With a partner you make decisions together to ensure your lives ahead, stay in the same direction as each other.

In the movie the astronaut and the scientists all made decisions with a common goal.  I think that is what feels the most alone as all my life choices are made for me alone.  This feels strange.  I feel frozen in time as I try and figure out what I want to do with my life. I am fortunately at a place where I feel ready to make some changes but my journey ahead seems like the big empty void of space, I have no idea what direction to take.  I am waiting for a sign, some little glimpse, or an urge to move in one direction or the other but nothing comes.

One strength in my personality has been to support other people in their dreams, especially Robin.  I remember I used to get resentful and say, "We are always doing what you want, why can't we do what I want for once?"  But now as there is nothing holding me back from following my own dreams I am looking into my future wondering what on earth I want.  What do I want?  

I don't see a tunnel anymore.  My train charges forward on a track, full steam ahead and the track disappears, the train disappears and I am left, only me, flung forward drifting in space alone, with no direction.  That is what I feel like.  I know dramatic but this being alone is so different from where I have come from in my past.  Maybe this is my lesson to figure out what I want, with no partners dreams to pull me in a different direction.   I feel no urge, what so ever, to meet anyone new so my only option is to learn how to be alone and to discover what I want to do with my life.

I 'll keep you posted of any ideas that pop up.  I guess I'll just float here aimlessly for awhile.

Moving Forward

Now that I have finished writing by book via my blog, of my journey through grief and recovery, I realize I am again grieving the loss of what was.  I have finished something and I have to move onto something different.  I am beginning to think we are on a continual process of loss, grief and recovery.  I call it change!

Since the loss of my husband I have had to deal with changes in my life, some good and others challenging, such as: finishing walking the Camino;  leaving friends behind that I saw so clearly as a part of my future; trying to find new employment that pays my bills and now the completion of writing about my journey through grief and recovery.  I think the smaller losses are sometimes more difficult to get over because we don't even recognize that there has been a loss.  It is harder for me to stop, regroup and take care of myself.  In the past I would have moved forward through these small losses and they would just piled up, one on top of each other, emotionally.  Then when I would fell apart I would wonder why I couldn't cope.  It wasn't just one thing that would get me to this point, it was an accumulation of many things that pushed me over the edge.

Giving ourselves time to step back, take a few breathes and at least recognize, that we just went over a speed bump, is not part of our culture.  We romance the people that bulldoze through the hardships in their lives, getting through the other side unscathed.  My generation was raised by parents whose motto was 'Keep Calm and Carry On'.  This saying has now had a resurgence in pop culture.  Are we wanting ourselves to stay walking through that fog of crisis in our lives, like there are no problems?  Funny thing is that zombies are everywhere in our current tv and movies selections as well.  What is that saying?

I would have loved to push through and carry on with my life after Robin died, but I couldn't.  I became a stranger to myself.  This has been such a peculiar time in my life.  As I had no other option but to stop and find my footing after Robin's death.  I have never felt so far from myself but at the same time so understanding and loving of myself.  I used to plow through things and not tell anyone what I was going through as I didn't even recognize myself, that I was struggling.  I feel fortunate for the people in my life who have stood by me, when the Charlene they were looking at wasn't the one they usually saw. I have never felt so strong and completely weak at exactly the same time.  I guess this is what vulnerability is.

I am thankful that there is also a complete phenomenon of change happening in our culture right now, with people like Brene Brown and her global talk on shame and vulnerability.  I think we are experiencing a shift and I am excited to see where it goes.

I am moving forward slowly each day, building a new future for myself.   I do hope that articulating my fears and sharing my tears helps people realize that we are all struggling.  I know each person who reads my words is going through their own hardships and triumphs.  It is my hopes that my words help people feel more connected and that you are not alone in this thing called life.