I am ready to Embrace being Alone

I was married for 18 years and it feels very strange to be "alone".  I say I going to embrace it so that I can enjoy living in the moment and the reality of my life.  But it is a struggle.  I absolutely LOVED being married.  I loved making decisions with someone and having a partner in this thing called life.  I loved the title of "wife" and still use it.

I am the kind of person that will talk to people in line ups, on the bus, on my walks, and in a public washroom, I stop and talk to most people who will stop and talk to me.  These people are strangers and have no idea I am a widow and I tell stories of my husband.  To these stangers I live the life of a wife.  I complain and laugh still about the things he does....or did.

He was my life, but my life goes on now without him.  So what is my life?  I am learning, I am going to embrace it.  But I have to admit, there is a lot of it that I hate.  There is also a lot that I love.  It is the things that I love that I will embrace while I grieve what I have lost.  This is me learning.

I'm a Widow? These are my words!

I hate this word, widow.  Doesn't it sound completely black! depressing! and the end of a life.  When I hear the word widow I get a picture in my mind of an emotionally dead women in a black sheer vale over her face dressed in completely black.  She has no future, no hope and definatily no fun!

I didn't want to be identified with this word and yet I use it to title my blog.  Strange, I know.  When I changed my relationship status on "facebook" I called myself single.  Maybe it is part of my anger?  The resentment I feel towards my husband for dying and making me a widow!

But one thing I know is I don't want my life to be over.  I want to be really happy again one day and I want hope for my future.  The word widow gives me absolutely no hope for the future.  But I am coming to terms with a widow is what I am and these are my words.