Growing up I always had 20/20 vision but after Robin died my sight got fuzzier and fuzzier. I told myself, with hope, that when I started to see my future again my eyes would get better. Some people said "that makes sense", others said, "you're just old ... you need glasses."
Another thing about grief is that it is slow and arduous. There is never just one loss, there are many. When I lost my husband, one of the most significant people in my life, I thought I only had to grieve loosing him. But the list of losses felt perpetual. At first the looses became apparent daily.
To grieve it I had to identify the loss so I could grieve and then adapt. The losses became fewer and further between but they would inevitably show up.
The process went something like this:
- I had to feel the reality of my current life. I would get triggered. An example of one such trigger was when someone celebrated their anniversary, I would feel envy or jealousy. The loss was that I would never be married for 50 years.
- Next I had to come to terms with what I wanted but would never have. I had to come to terms with my new reality.
- Then I had to give myself time and space to let the emotion out.
- Finally I could live fully in my new reality.
- I can test to see that I have moved forward through this loss by my emotions. I know I have succeeded as I now feel sincere joy and excitement for someone when they celebrate an anniversary.
This is just one thing I had to grieve. The list of triggers that revealed themselves one after the other as holes in my heart is lengthy. But I gave myself space, I sacrificed 3 years of my life to do nothing but go through this process. Not many people have this opportunity or give themselves permission to be first priority in their own lives. I feel very blessed for this opportunity because I know if it wasn't for the extensive support in my life I could not have done this.
I made decisions and adjustments to see if my future would come into focus. I knew I wasn't meant to live on Salt Spring so I moved to Victoria....honestly I loved it!! It is a beautiful city and my daughter and grandson live here. I was happy...I just never felt connected like this was where I am supposed to settle.
When I say settle...I mean a home base...a place to come back to between my adventures.
As things came up, each and every time I felt a pull to the mainland, close to the town where I was raised. Close to my wonderful life long friends and amazing extended family. Finally I made the decision to move back to the mainland and things fell into place.
I got a job with an old friend running the office at his First Aid company. Another old friend made a room in her home perfectly cozy for me to move into. I felt an ease but even more importantly a release. It felt so right.
But driving in the city was dangerous! My eyes didn't magically repair themselves when my future became clear. So my friend took me to get some prescription glasses. In 5 days I had my glasses and I was amazed, astonished, overwhelmed and over the top excited. I could not believe how beautiful this world was and how crisp and clear all the sites in front of my eyes were.
As Valentine's Day approaches I don't feel the sadness and loss of my husband but the appreciation and thankfulness that he blessed my life.
This is my last blog in Embracing the Void...Widows Words. The void has been filled.
I thought I needed to embrace the change but what I needed to do was fill it with love. I will forever feel the never ending love that Robin had for me. I feel the love of my friends and family. I feel the love in nature and all the amazing creations of this world. This world is so beautiful, even if I need glasses to see it...I am so thankful.
I know some of my friends and family are in ... or are entering ... that blurry world of grief. Some through a death of someone in their life, some through divorce and others through change. I hope that in some way my words that I have written about going through this process can give them hope that their own future will again come into focus.
This Valentines Day I hope that each one of you finds love whether it is in someone's arms or a walk on the beach marvelling at Gods creations. Love to All❤️❤️❤️
