In the beginning was the word....
I love words...written words, spoken words, stories, songs, poems, words that entertain and words that educate. Some words feel loving and some words hurt but in the end they are all just plain words.
My friend asked me a question awhile ago, "Robin should have been a linesman, they make good money and he wasn't scared of heights". Instantly her words stabbed me in my heart. I felt my body stiffen and a flood of anxiety fill each cell. The words triggered me, I dwelled on her words all week. You are probably wondering why...right?
This is where my brain went with that question. I should have supported Robin and assisted him in getting better training for a better job, it was my fault Robin was doing the job where he worked, I recommended him for this job, I got Robin killed for getting him that job, I am a horrible wife.
This is where my brain went but fortunately it wasn't where I stayed. These were just words circling in my head. I had the power to change those words. As I struggled with my emotions clarity came and I was able to say....It wasn't my fault Robin died. It wasn't my fault Robin accidentally drank cutting fluid. It wasn't my fault he didn't go to the doctor and it wasn't my fault the negligence and lies that surrounded him resulted in his death.
If my friend wouldn't have asked the question and if I didn't choose to sit with these feelings and figure out why her words triggered me, I would never have had the growth and understanding of the wound that was there and how to heal. I am thankful for her question....her words helped release my pain, promoted healing and helped me move forward into the direction I needed to go.
So that leads me to why I write. Why do I tell you the reader about my journey and about how I feel?
My writing is my exploration into myself. As I learn about myself I am hoping you too will learn about yourself. I am NOT writing for you to learn about me but for you to learn about yourself. My wish is that when my words trigger you, you also will take the time to sit with these emotions and grow in your own life. I am not writing 'to' anyone but to myself.
My sharing has enhanced my life ... women of all ages approach me with how my words have motivated them to explore their own stories. Sometimes we feel like we are alone in our struggles and my wish is for women to feel that we are all in this together. Sharing my triumphs and tribulations has improved the connections I have in my life. It has helped deepen my connections with the women that cross my path as they feel comfortable to tell me about their own pains. These meetings motivate me to write even more and dig deeper into who I am and why I do the things I do.
My process to the page is lengthy so when you read what I have written you aren't reading about who I am but who I was. The person I write about is indeed me but who I was a month, a year or sometimes even ten years ago.
There are a few people in my life who know the person moving through the process of discovery and most live in my home town, Langley. These people are 'my' people because they have witnessed my life journey from its beginnings. I perpetually feel the pull back to this place whenever I struggle. Langley is the place where I can just be. It is here that I sit with no words, only feelings. These are the people that don't need me to be anything but me.
It is here ... in this place ... with these people ... that I start to feel. It takes me awhile to put into words my emotions and feelings. As I begin to articulate my process I bounce my thoughts off of these core people and a few new girlfriends from Salt Spring.
I have been struggling and grappling with where I belong in this world in the past few years. I have fully enjoyed this process, taking on the task full force. Living as a gypsy for the past 6 months has given me the wonderful opportunity to feel....feel where I belong and where I feel safe. I have had a phenomenal time exploring Vancouver Island and discovering Victoria, this island alone could be a life long quest of discovery. This time has given me the space to figure out what location I want as the bouncing off platform for the adventures I have planned for the rest of my life.
My future at this point is just thoughts of what I wish for. When I write these wishes down into words they become goals for my future. I can see myself weaving, spinning, writing, sailing, traveling, exploring this world, and connecting with my friends and family. I know there will be changes and shifts in my circumstances and I look forward to embracing these changes and learning the lessons these unknown events will teach me.
I want to be in a place that gives me the confidence to embrace the next phase of my life with strength in my step. I feel a peace as I come to the decision as to where I want to take up residence. That trampoline...that place where I feel I will begin my new adventures in life is Langley. So I will head back, in faith, to the place everything started so I can begin again.
