Being me is sometimes hard to be.
It is easier to be what other people want or need me to be than to just simply be myself. I realize in the past I have done myself, and the people with whom I relate, a disservice.
I had a huge aha moment this week. There are a handful of people in my life that I have a very strong connection. I know the connection is solid but I always pose the question to myself as to why ... so that I can strengthen my other relationships to this point.
My friends son is now a student at UVic so Cindy will be making bi-monthly trips to see him and visit me. We took him to lunch at Tacofino on Fort Street, after which Cindy stocked him with the bare necessities for university and then we headed out to explore Victoria.
Feeling the tour guide we walked Ogden Breakwater, Dallas Road, then ventured to the city hitting the Legislature Building, the Waterfront, Government Street and China town. I am excited about showing Cindy a different area each visit.
With all this walking it gave us lots of time for talking and analyzing why we do the things we do in life and in relationships. Ever since I read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman I have been learning more about how I feel love and the topic pops into every conversation.
There are 5 different ways we feel or show love, they are through: acts of service, physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, and quality time.
I learned of these while Robin was still alive.
My friend Michele hosted a relationship workshop at her home where we worked through a series of dvd's, with a few other couples. Robin was working up North so I participated and then told him all about it.
We learned that the way someone shows love is usually the way they feel loved.
I am not a gift person in the least. I feel gifts are a waste of money and never what I really wanted but Robin brought home little gifts all the time. This evidence showed me that this was Robin's love language. Putting into practice what I learned I purchased Robin a little bird feeder for when he returned from camp. Well ... he was so ecstatic you would have thought I cured cancer.
Previously I would have never gifted him this little gift as I would rationalize that if he really wanted something so simple he could go buy it himself. But to someone whose love language is gifts it makes them feel as though you were thinking about them when you are not with them.
After that I made sure to buy Robin little gifts so that he could feel the love I had for him.
I learned that my love language is quality time. I connect to people and feel their love when I spend time and create memories with them. I then communicated this to Robin.
When Robin came home from work we would go camping down logging roads in the middle of the woods so that he could shoot and shoot to his hearts content. On one such trip we were all settled in and Robin was doing his target shooting. After a few shots he looked at me and said, "See we're spending quality time together." I laughed saying, "Robin it has to be something that I like doing." He didn't quite get it. But we had many 'quality time' moments together and I definitely felt his love before he died.
As Cindy and I walked and explored the city we discussed our love languages and the people we have connected to at different times of our lives.
After the crisis of Robin's death I could only spend time with certain people. I think I drove my Langley/life guarding friends crazy as I went there so much after my husband passed away. I felt safe and secure and happy when I was there. I was mystified as to why this place Langley was where I felt I needed to be.
When I was young all I wanted to do was get away from this place. Now as an adult it is the only place I wanted to be.
Then my aha moment.
I had spent oodles and oodles of quality time with these people in my life. What made it quality time was I did things I loved with them. We worked together, spent time around water, ventured out into the world; hiking, camping, partying as we become adults.
When returning to visit, our time was spent reminiscing plus creating new memories. I have spent extensive quality time with these old friends which resulted in lots of stories to tell and laugh about. With each story I remembered the love I felt from this quality time and in return it overfilled my cup when I return.
The other aha moment.
When I spend time with them now and in the past I was authentically me. I wasn't being anything but myself and I wasn't pretending to be someone else to make them happy. Since they have spent so much time with me they have seen all my sides; the good, the bad and the ugly. They accepted me in the past and I didn't have to test them to see if they would accept the crappy parts of me. I didn't need to pretend to be anything other than myself for them, I could just be annoying old me.
I realized that the people I wasn't spending time with fell into two categories.
- People with whom I had become friends with since I got married. I hadn't spent as much quality time with some friends such as the ones I met on Salt Spring. I have had fantastic times with these amazing people but it wasn't as much as with the friends from my youth that I have maintained relationships with after all these years. Plus these friends only knew me as Robin's wife and I longed to be around people that knew me separate from him.
- People with whom I had not shown my authentic self to in the past.
So how was I being un-authentic?
When people were speaking their love language to me I would receive it but not really want or appreciate what they; gave or said or did for me.
Here is a ridiculous example of me being un-authentic.
Friend: I bought this pair of yellow polka dot and lime green pants for you yesterday.
Me: No, no, you shouldn't have!
Friend: When I saw them I thought of you.
Me: Why thank-you I really appreciate them.
Later in the week.
Friend: Have you worn the pants I gave you?
Me: They are amazing, I have received so many compliments, thank-you.
In my head. Seriously that is the most ridiculous present EVER. What on earth was she thinking. Now I have to go to the effort to get rid of them. What a waste. As if anyone would compliment me on those awful pants.
It was easier to take a gift from someone and say how thankful I was for it, then to disappoint the person and say, "Actually that is not something I would like." I would rather make them feel good and me bad.
After I learned about the love languages, when Robin would bring me home a gift I would say, "You know this doesn't make me feel loved, it feels like a waste of money. Remember if you want to make me feel the love you have for me than play a card game with me or go for a drive. These flowers are not for me but for you."
Because I learned how I ticked I could communicate what I needed and give him what he needed as a result being more authentic. I was not scared how Robin would react to me communicating my needs. I was not worried of it resulting in a heated discussion as I knew the discussion would strengthen the relationship. I did not walk on egg shells in the relationship and neither did he.
For some people there is a fear of their reaction or there is no desire on my part to strengthen the relationship.
When someone would go out of their way to do something for me but it was more work for me as a result; instead of saying no, I let the person feel they had improved my life from their presence and not communicate that the interaction depleted my energy.
I have had people do things for me and when they did them I said again and again how much I appreciated their efforts so that they would feel good but I actually felt worse from their service. They left with the feeling that they had done so much for me and enriched my life because I was not communicating my needs to them properly.
These people I was not authentic around and when I was faced with a crisis I couldn't do the fake stuff to make them feel good anymore.
In the end there are people that don't want a relationship as I made myself out to be someone that I wan't.
So what have I learned?
- The less people I try and please the more authentic I am, making it easier to be me.
- Everyone is responsible for their own happiness, I am not responsible to make others happy.
- When I do something for someone else I want the action to be just as much for me as it is for them and visa versa. The last thing I want is for someone to extend themselves to me beyond their own capacity. I don't want it to feel like a chore for someone to have a relationship with me.
- I will be more honest in my relationships and no 'thank-you' is a word that I will embrace when needed.
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Walking and talking and listening feeds my soul, plus it is the ultimate in quality time for me. I love my memories of walking around Vancouver.
I will now be staying in Victoria; except for a few visits to Seattle, Oregon and Las Vegas so if you want to come and walk around the city with me I would love it! My days off are Monday - Thursday.
If it would also feed your soul, please join me!
